“We're ge'teen a mauer f*$keen ASDA mun!!!”
“I turned the christmas lights on one year”
“Co as a tha iad? Na Seann Sgimilearan?”
“Here brathair.. Ya seen the time warp mun it fuckeen massive! Ferryite”
Inverness, (or Toll a Chaic Inbhir Nis in Scots gaelic) is located within the Highlands of northern Scotland and is the largest tourist information centre in the world, so important that her Madgeness passed through it once on her way to Skibo Castle.
Inverness was granted city status by Jimmy Savile in 2000 following the opening of Wetherspoons in the town centre, stripping Fort William of it's prestigious 'Only Wetherspoons in the Highlands' title. However, with just over 80,000 people living here (5% Scots, (None of which are from Inverness, nearly all are weegies that have been banished form Weegieland Glasgow for own safety due lack of skills with the knife, citizens of Weegieland fondly refer to the village of inverness as "nowhereness"), 44% English, 36% Poles and the rest a mish-mash of something else), it's not so much a city and really just a town in denial (so Mrs Queen, you were wrong), just like nearby Elgin City. It is also known as 'Capital of the Highlands' but should really be called the 'Capital of Poland' or New Warsaw.
The town of Inverness lies at the mouth of a large river called the 'River Ness' which flows into the Moray Firth, a large inlet of water where dolphins laugh, swim and play before getting caught and chopped up into lots of little pieces at a place nearby called Dingwall. People from Inverness don't really like Dingwallians (or "Dingers") but were forced to kiss and make up when the Scottish Executive instructed them to 'build bridges' between the two towns. The engineers took this literally however and actually built a big bridge called the Kessock Bridge which is just ridiculous really as all you have to do to get there is drive 10 mins over to Beauly and back again - wasted money that could have been spent on methadone clinics in Glasgow or anywhere else in the Central Belt.
One Thousand Welcomes
There are many interesting areas in Inverness but in paticular visit Merkinch or the Ferry as it is fondly known. The Ferry is home to the largest Ned population north of Glasgow. Walking from one side to the other is highly risky and if you are lucky you will be mugged. If you are unlucky chances are you will be raped or stabbed. If you should attempt this journey wearing anything other than Ned clothing you are most likely to be stabbed, raped, mugged and neutered before you even have a chance to scream. In fact the inhabitants of the Ferry are trained from birth to track outsiders so they can shoot, stab, mug, rape and neutor them whilst smoking three fags and drinking a bottle of Buckfast Tonic Wine. The only way into the Ferry from the city centre is over "The Black Bridge" (yes that is its real name, I swear!) then under the railway bridge. If you are on the run from the police then this is your best chance of escape, even the police dare not challenge the people of the Ferry, but a life sentence in prison is a thousand times better than what you will face across that bridge. Merkinch is the "gentler" side of the Ferry. The residents there tend to be more aggressive but full of hollow threats.
If you go down the Ferry you will be swallowed up by the Ferry time warp! This has several effects which can cause several mysterious things to happen!
Most of the stories of the time warp come from people that have ventured down there on a Saturday night after being invited to a party for mad craic following a night out on the the town. They stay and get the craic for a couple of days and eventually stagger back to civilisation up Grant Street over the black bridge and into the town. On arrival in town they buy a paper with their last 20p. Reading the paper they realise it is three weeks after they started their sesh in town! What seemed like two days of hazy memories has actually taken up three weeks of their life.
Time is not the only thing the time warp takes away from you. You stagger up Academy Street and look in your pockets for your phone. This is when you realise firstly YOU Have NO POCKETS, You realise they have disappeared along with your phone, wallet, money, job, hair, 2 - 5 teeth, and the buttons on your shirt!
Funnily enough the only thing the Ferry time warp does not take is the shirt off your back however it is known to cover it in blood!
The time warp can also hurt you without any explanation, this can vary but usually consists of black eyes, broken ribs, a months worth of alcohol withdraws also unexplained citations usually turn up several months later! Mp33 houses neds on a Thursday night as they recover from the sesh up in grant street, there , they can eat slp and urinate out the back, if they are crafty/not hung over too much. Legend has it that the Ferry Time Warp was believed to have been created by magic fairies who used to live inside Tomnahurich hill. The fairies were famous for and liked nothing better than partying for years on end! An old tale well know in Inverness describes how two men who found their way into Tomnahurich hill were at one such party and emerged outside afterward to find that more than a century had passed. The fairies were said to be very happy in there home where they had lived peacefully for a very long time because as you probably know fairies live forever. Several hundred years ago two fairies supposedly got talking to this drunk guy in a tavern. The drunk claimed to be originally from The Western Isles but he claimed he was staying near Alness. It was assumed by the fairies that he actually lived in Alness as nobody likes admitting they actually live in Alness. The drunk was wreaked slurring absolute shite just like myself right now however he was very clear about two things which seemed unbelievable but worried the fairies. The man who called himself Brahan Seer, claimed that one day in the future the Tomnahurich hill which was a couple of miles from the sea in the countryside would be under lock and key and fully rigged sailing ships would sail behind it! The fairies forgot about this for 200 years. Then they totally freaked out. First a canal was built behind the hill then a few years later the hill was made into a graveyard which was surrounded by railings and locked gates. The fairies decided they would leave the hill to find a new home. So they went to the nearby town of Inverness where they asked to meet the Provost and his council. The fairies explained their difficult situation and that they wished to move to the castle hill, however as usual they were told that there was no room available anywhere in Inverness apart from one place - some boarded up shacks near to the Ferry Point. This was not true but on hearing their story the council believed they had a serious drug problem and had a policy of housing problem tenants in the Ferry at the time. So the fairies moved in to the shacks in the street now know as Carnac Cresent and were quite settled but they did not like outsiders and decided to use their magic powers to create the Ferry Time Warp to help them party like never before. This time warp is still around today.
It has been recently announced that a luxury tower block development is to go ahead down the Ferry in attempt to regenerate the area like has been done in the waterside areas of Glasgow and Leith - the worst thing is this is actually true!
History & Culture
The the River Ness flows into a big Loch (that's Gaelic for lake in case English people are reading this) called Loch Ness. A couple of people from Inverness claim to have seen a monster known as the Loch Ness Monster or Liz and have made a lot of money out of it. This sparked the huge international interest in bits of floating driftwood that pop up in the water from time to time and led to the area becoming a tourist trap. The Scottish Executive claims that this is a secret ploy for Americans to take over Scotland but George Bush denies the allegations.
The local Morrisons supermarket (formerly Safeways until the English bought them out as they do with everything in Inverness) has the lowest customer to local ratio in the whole of the United Kingdom but still find the need to have two in the town centre - one for tourists and the other one for tourists that want their heads kicked in by the locals.
Nowadays, unless you work in the Eastgate Shopping Centre (or Morrisons), then you run a Bed and Breakfast or work offshore from Aberdeen. Nobody from Inverness lives in Inverness and at the weekends the town is invaded by English tourists wearing Crampons (even in July) and people from Sutherland and Caithness who come here for a shopping adventure just to get out the house. Inverness is described as "the Mainland" by many of the 70 inhabitants of Na h-Eileanan siar and during Christmas, many escape here to buy useless objects, including "Moving Picture Boxes" (Commonly known as the TV), "Metal Horses" (commonly known as the bicycle) and "Sex Wool" (commonly known as the sheep).
The poet Robert Burns spent a day here wearing a rather dazzling handkerchief, I really can't exaggerate what a splendid handkerchief it was.
Fat Boy Slim also came to help sedate the evil Loch Ness Liz, this is now an annual tradition known as Rockness, this years acts include the Vatersay Boys, who are currently in the running for Presidents of the known universe and are famous for playing in front of thirty people at last years Belladrum festival.
In a bid to prevent people from leaving, and in order to reclaim the title of “fastest growing city in the world” from Dingwall, the council are slowly making all streets one-way, leading into the city^^^^ town^^^^ village centre. At the same time, they are laying cobbles in preparation for that much hyped means of transportation, the horse and carriage!
The current mode of transport favoured is walking due to inflated charges from Stagecoach. (£5 to get to Nairn pfff aye right)Inverneesans or Inverburgers have been known to walk over 30 Miles to the nearest Mcdonalds.
Inverness now boasts an airport, much to the delight of local citizens. Highland Council (a clever synonym for Hand-Bag and the Security Guards, coined by regional spin doctor and beloved alcoholic, Charles Kennedy) and HIAL claim it is an official airport when in reality, it is really simply a single runway and shed. This is because to be an airport, aeroplanes have to either land or take off from it which causes HIAL Inverness a bit of trouble since nothing ever does or ever will land or take off( just to explain how shit the air port is, Barra Airport - which is on a beach, has three runways). This is mainly due to the combination of permanent heavy rainfall that floods the runway, permanent gale force winds that simply blow the planes away and nearby mountains that tourists just fall in love with until their plane crashes into them. There is also several railway lines leading out of Inverness. There is one that goes north and the one that goes south. The southbound line is known as "The Highland Mainline", however, the Highland Mainline is single track and has nothing "main" about it, where the drivers and conductors swap over, two go in to the distillery and two come out , to the Highland drivers, this is colloquially known as "The Pishing Point"
Other than this, one road called the A9 links Inverness with the rest of the world and is the deadliest road in the world, mainly because of cars being eaten by pleisiosaurs. Often cars will drive fast to get away from these carnivorous beasts and crash into oncoming vehicles, although Northern Constabulary will always blame it in on drink driving often cars speeding to freedom will be stopped by the pleisiosaur's evil henchmen; The Northern Constabulary meaning they will either be devoured, face a fifty pound fine, bribe them with sexual favours or sing them a Vatersay Boys song.
Once upon a time there were no Tescos in Inverness. A loooooonnng time ago. At that time most Invernessians belonged to the Free Presbyterian Church (Presbyterianism: "The fear that someone, somewhere, somehow - is having fun) . Yet one sight of a trolley and they were off, dashing through the aisles into many different denominations, such as the Young, the Inshes, and the buddha of all, EASTFIELD (retail park to all you people from Nairn). Then, with people feeling free, a nudist beach was set up on the site of the old dump, and a huge influx of 'poles' meant that they could easily provide all the goal posts that Inverness CT could need (as well as their staple diet of lost seagulls at the gutters). Now Catholicismm has taken gains. (What next for the Vatican of the north? Has anyone heard of the economic boom in Indian and their strange resemblance in accent to those fine fellows from Scorguie?)
Inverness Caley Thistle football team famously knocked Celtic out of the Scottish Cup twice. You can't escape the yawn-tastic headline from The Sun which gets repeated ad-nauseum 'Super Caley Go Ballistic, Celtic Are Atrocious' (at least 6 times each season). This team now plays in the Scottish Premier league which is a notable achievement seeing that Caley were still playing fellow Invernessians Clachnacuddin in the Highland League eleven years ago. However it must be said that the Clach boys are (on average) 50db louder than the tumbleweed whispers at the Caledonian Stadium when they collect their giros. Neighbours Ross County were recently banished to the dark regions of the Second Division where they are set to play teams like the mighty Berwick and Raith Rovers. They also sing when claiming giros.
Inverness Caley Thistle
Inverness Caley Thistle are a merger of two former pub teams that come from Inverness. They sold their Welfare league stadiums with the larger Bught Park being sold to Shinty International PLC and the smaller Milton Pitches to several 15 year old alcoholics. The proceeds from the sales of £3.45 and half a bottle of Buckfast were used to bribe a council official into overlooking health and safety rules to build there new stadium for next to nothing. There stadium is built on the site of the former longman dump which is known to emit a toxic gas! This gas makes people feel very drowsy and due to the Inverness pub team players eventually becoming immune to this gas this is the reason why a former pub team can beat Champions league standard teams such as Celtic and Rangers. This is why Barcelona decided to play Dundee United and Hearts in their recent Scottish tour. Barcelona came to Scotland looking to get immunity to the toxic gas by with easy games against pub teams to help them beat Celtic at Parkhead. As you probably know Parkhead is located in a fairly toxic area of Glasgow and Dundee is well know for being a toxic city. Barcelona were originally supposed to play Caley however they were scared off by the Invernesian killer mutant seagulls and the extreme strength of the longman toxic gas. They opted to play a recently formed pub team formerly known as Heart of Midlothian now called Lithuania pub select. This was because they wanted to play another pub team whos stadium is also affected by toxic gas (from the local brewery)! Caleys famous win at celtic park was due to Charlie christie opening bottled toxic gas in the Celtic Dressing room an hour before the game. Charlie was given the idea by Alex Ferguson a former rangers reject who previously did this in 1983.
The only team that can actually beat Caley is Aberdeen. This is because Aberdeen's players are the only other club to be immune to extremely strong toxic gas from the longman which is also produced by the large number of rotting abused sheep carcasses in the area around Pittodrie!
Inverness Caley Thistle are officially the best team in the world as of Christmas 2007
I will explain this slowly as it is hard to believe. AC Milan were crowned world club champions beating a team from South America to win the final 4-2 on Sunday 16th December 2007. On the same day Inverness beat Celtic 3-2 to win in the SPL. As Celtic beat AC Milan at parkhead recently 2-1 in the Champions league group stages in 2007 we can write an equation to find out who is the best team!
Celtic are the greatest team ever
However, for a town that is the 'Capital of the Highlands', it's pretty crap at Shinty. On the other hand, it's a good job everyone in Inverness doesn't play shinty, otherwise they would kick the absolute living shit out of everyone else in the Highlands, except lovat because they are the best team in scotland and beauly are shit.
Inverness has a rather large skateboarding community, these youths are often banished from the meeting place near Falcon square by The East Gate shopping centre security guards mostly due to the fact that their magical moving wood scares the older and very confused residents, causing them to rampage uncontrollably until they find a Werthers Original. These youths are collectively known as Falconers.
Inverness is served by the Highland News - an unbelievable weekly shit-rag of a newspaper (I use that term hesitantly) which is almost beyond satire. But let's give it a go, shall we?
The Highland News' chief concern seems to be prostitutes. The Highland News absolutely loves prostitutes. A great deal of their budget seems to be spend on hiring prostitutes, before sending one of their fearless investigative journalists to meet the prostitute and ask the prostitute (who is quite obviously a prostitute), "Are you a prostitute?". This will then invariably be run as front page news which also takes great, gloating delight in implicating a (probably already struggling) local hotel in Inverness' latest "SEX TRADE SCANDAL". This is despite the fact that the independent selling of sexual services is legal in the UK. When asked if damaging local businesses and the humiliation of women ever lay heavy on their conscience, one of the HN's investigative journalists - who wished to remain annoymous - said, "Sometimes. But all the blow jobs on expenses soon block out any pangs of guilt."
Another Highland News favourite is the fearless uncovering of "CITY YOBS' DRINKING DENS" a.k.a woodland.
Yet despite this aversion to the "CITY BOOZE CRISIS" (it is the rule that every Highland News headline must contain the word "CITY" at least once), the paper enjoys running a weekly two page spread of lecherous and voyeuristic pictures of disgusting, fat, gurning, flabby, mutated Inverness sea cows out on the piss.
The Highland News also runs an ongoing 'Thursday Girl' competition to find out which barely pubescent local girl - who's lack of career prospects are only matched by their lack of any self-awareness, beauty, intelligence or straight teeth - local pensioners most enjoy masturbating over images of.
The Highland News recently outdid itself, even by its own high journalistic standards, when it ran a gloriously humourless article, alerting readers to an amusing, satirical web page about its beloved "CITY" of Inverness. The fact that this was mostly 3 or 4 year old user generated content seems to have gone totally over their heads as they quoted various out of context extracts. The HN then proceeded to bravely waste the time of high profile local figures by asking them for comments. The Lord Provost of Inverness is said to have issued a Fatwa for whoever wrote the filth in question.
Of course, the Highland News' insitence that all the amusingly exaggerated quips about stabbings or a relatively high Polish population were not true, was somewhat undermined, as most of its own pages are filled with headlines about stabbings and Polish people.
Seriously, who writes this shit?
Moray Firth Radio
Moray Firth Radio is not a real radio station, it was an April fool's joke from 1983 that went horribly wrong. MFR was unfortunately sucked in by the Ferry Time Warp upon its first pirate broadcast from a house in Scorguie on April 1st 1983 . Unbelievably it is still currently broadcasting live from 1983 today! This has resulted in the Culture Club, Chameleon song which was number one at the time being played 4 times an hour by amateur DJ Titch Macooey (the totally most well known voice in the whole of Fuck All place.) every day since! Unfortunately he also been stuck in the 80's for most of the last 25 years, only recently making a slight recovery from FTWS! You probably already knew this due to his 80's appearance well into the 1990's! And due to him scaring kids in the area on every day since apart from halloween this is the reason why everyone from that side of the canal hates the ferry.
There is a also a conspiracy theory going about that MFR is not actually affected by the Ferry Time Warp and that Tich Macooey just cant accept that the 80's are over.
Moving to Inverness
If you move to Inverness from elsewhere in the Highlands you will probably have hopes and dreams of going to college, followed by a good job, getting married, having two kids and living in a huge house in a posh suburb like Balloch or Milton of Leys. (lol really? Balloch and Milton of Leyes? OK).
FORGET ABOUT IT,
The best thing you can hope for is two kids, mild alcoholism leading to Osprey or Beechwood house followed by a penthouse in Benula Road. Due to the Ferry time warp you will never know the real father of the kids as it can warp you DNA too.
Remember that is the best possible outcome and you will be probably end up stuck in the Ferry Time warp until the end of time!
The Kessock Bridge was built in the 1980s and used up the entire European Fund Transport Budget for the next 140 years to build a pointless massive dual carridgeway shaving off almost 300 meters off the 14 mile journey between Inverness and Dingwall. This has resulted in no new roads being built or completed in Inverness since or in the foreseeable future. The next new road will possibly be the bypass of the future suburb of Elgin in Moray when Inverness swallows it up in 2030! The Kessock bridge is literally the road to the wonderfulness of the black isle which forms a barrier between the Inverness and Dingwall and is much better than either place as its not full of skanks and neds.
There have been several recent reports of traffic congestion on the bridge but this is due to the bridge being permanently closed off six months ago by Northern Cuntstabluary due to outbreaks of Foot and mouth, Bird Flu and Alcoholism in Dingwall due to their football team being shit!
This traffic congestion has not been reported in Dingwall yet as Moray Firth Radio is stuck in the Ferry Time Warp and is still reporting that the official bridge opening ceremony is next week! This has been confusing the Dingwall citizens who do not realise the bridge is closed to keep them out and leading to a big Q of horses and carts waiting for the road to open which has built up on the bridge over a period of six months. The road is not expected to open until the all clear is given for Dingwall in late 2023! All of the 4 Invernesians who were caught on the wrong side of the bridge when it shut have safely made it back to Inverness after swapping there cars for boats in the small costal village of Och also known as Avoch by the outsiders colony in Fortrose. The fishermen of Och were very pleased with their new transport and one was quoted saying "it was the best magic horseless carriage he had seen since back in the day in 1937"!
There is another road to Dingwall however when they rebuilt a railway bridge at Clachnaharry just outside Inverness they made it too small for even a horse and cart. You can also get to Dingwall by driving to Drumnadrochit then following a road through the hills but nobody in dingwall can even read let alone read a map.
Nobody from Inverness has bothered to go to Dingwall since the former pub team Inverness Thistle Caledonian were promoted away from their rivals Gyro County into the SPL! At first The other SPL clubs objected to ITCs promotion due to toxic gas from the dump however after inviting all members for a free lunch with Gordon Ramsay at the Caledonian Stadium they all became overcome by the gas and were forced to sign and agree to ICT being promoted!
Recent meetings of the two teams ITC and Gyro County have been fairly quiet with the post match fight losing its Sky Box office status due to the "friendly" nature of the games at the start of each season. The fights are currently shown on the new freeview channel Dave. Which means everyone can watch the fight from home rather than go to Dingwall on the biennial train service. You might think a fight between two places with a population difference of 100,000 might be a bit one sided! However the 830 and 3/4 inhabitants of Dingwall have got a secret weapon. Support from the Village of the damned- Alness who stick up for them. Footage from the aftermatch battle in 1994 (the first since the teams were promoted into Scottish league division 10 from the Inverness and district Welfare league) was actually used in the film Braveheart with the fake Irish charge into The Scots actually Alness going for Dingwall for the craick. The reason behind this pretend charge was that they really just wanted to steal all Dingwalls drugs when all the backslapping was taking place to get wreaked before ITC turned up.
Due to losing Sky's money Gyro County have slid down to Scottish division 8, while THISTLE Caledonian are offical world champions (see #19 below). No Caley fans actually care about County anymore leaving the Dingwall and Alness warriers to fight it out on their own.
To get peace and avoid being called poofs for not turning up for the aftermatch scrap canny Invernesians send 300000 cans of Super T to be air dropped onto Dingwall and Alness on the day of the "friendly" making them so wreaked they end up fighting each other and cant remember anything when they wake up in Dingwall jail the next day.
People from Inverness nowadays rarely even watch this pre-season scrap on TV as Dingwall is the same every Saturday night which can already be viewed on Sky Threes "Britain's worst Villages of Shame" . Most Invernesians now prefer to get wrecked and watch re-runs of that bit from Braveheart or the famous Battle of Forres between Elgin City and Inverness which resulted in most of the Forres and some of Nairn to be razed to the ground! This battle lasted for 4 days after a Scottish qualifying cup tie between Elgin City and Inverness Thistle in 1986 and only ceased when 1000 police were bussed up from Glasgow!