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The singer's immortality has terrified even the strongest of political leaders.

“We only got 4 minutes to SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

~ Lewis Black on Madonna

“I'll suck your dick for twenty bucks!”

~ Madonna on herself

“We'll... er... Do that song, k,”

~ Madonna on drunk on stage

“Who's Mado... Oh, her...”

~ Oscar Wilde on some bitch called Madonna
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Madonna.

The Madoona (Born Michael Edward Donna on August 16, 1958) is a mysterious, immortal, almighty, demon-like, muscle-bound creature that is believed by some to be the reason why God hates humanity. While nobody knows the true name of this being, it was called Madonna by United Nations and considered to be a woman. Madonna was, as a child, given the power to never age. Coincidentally, she can never die and has been alive for billions of years since the fateful times of Jesus. She is also immune to nuclear radiation; because of this, scientists believe that if a nuclear holocaust were to occur, all that would be left is Madonna herself and the cockroaches. Her full life's accomplishments are as follows.

Madonna's Destiny[edit]

Early Life[edit]

Madonna's 7th album, an instant success.

Madonna was put on this Earth a day after Jesus by an unknown entity, possibly Satan. Before starting her universe long quest, Madonna became known for inventing prostitution and adoption, the make-believe country of Malawi, and female masturbation. She then began her universe long life with intentions of being a big music star to gain power.

Ray of Doom: Mein Kompf[edit]

Madonna started her career as a furniture designer, literally carving out furniture with the use of her clitoris, which seemed to be eight-times the size a normal clitoris. Afterward, she started a solo music career. Her eleventh album, Ray of Doom (Mein Kompf), was a collection of beautifully written songs that explain different ways she could conquer the Earth. Ray of Doom was critically acclaimed and won her numerous awards. Songs include: Frozen, a song about freezing the Earth and killing all humanity as we know it; Drown The World, a song about drowning the Earth and killing all humanity as we know it; Nothing Really Matters, a song about how Madonna doesn't care about Earth and plans to kill all humanity as we know it; and the title track, Ray of Doom, a song about destroying the Earth with a giant laser beam and killing all humanity as we know it.

Madonna Bombs Pearl Harbour[edit]

Now filthy rich, the demonic pop star then hypnotized New York's biggest crimelords to help her construct a powerful bomb in the form of a giant disco ball that would become known as 'The Lucky Star.' The giant disco ball, or Lucky Star, was dropped on Pearl Harbour on December 7th, 1941 for no reason, other than Madonna's ever-growing love for human deaths. The U.S. Marines suspected that Japan was behind the attack, which led America into World War II.

Russian Life[edit]

Madonna joined the Soviet Union after leaving America.

Wanting to meet another good-looking man to rape, Madonna decided to join the army. America would not let her do this, however, due to the fear that she would hypnotize American soldiers and destroy the country. Instead, she joined the Soviet Union and met Stalin, whom she had hot sex with and married the following year. However, Stalin suggested she write more music rather than fighting in war. This pissed her off so she decided to kill people. After killing people, Madonna had more hot sex with Stalin, but little did Stalin know, she had sexually planted a bomb inside his penis. Stalin died a day later. From all this experience in the war, Madonna wrote the song Russian Life and released it to the public in her newest album of the same title. Other songs from this album include Nobody Loves Me, Love Obliteration, Fuck Another Day, and Dollywood, dedicated to Dolly Parton, Madonna's lesbian wife in a previous life. This confused Dolly, for as far as she knew, she had never met Madonna. Angered by Dolly's confusion, Madonna unleashed her newest creation, zombie vaginas.

Hating Russia and America, Madonna decided to move to London and wrote the songs I Hate New York and Fuck Russia. Here in London she would meet racist director Guy Ritchie, and would enter a much softer part of her career.

Cyborg Madonna and 1st Concert Tour[edit]

Cyborg Madonna, a reborn form of the singer. This form can be indicated by a slight change in the eyes.

Still not married, Madonna continued her search for men to have hot sex with. She took a vacation to Arizona and tried horse-riding, but every horse she came across seemed to have a strange hatred for her. As she was leaving back to New York, an army of horses suddenly trampled over her, viciously trying to kill her. Madonna was temporarily injured with a scratch on her face due to her body's strong outer-shell. However, she died in the hospital three days later anyway. Since she was immortal, however, she came back to life in a new form, the Cyborg Madonna.

Now Cyborg Madonna, the crazy singer embarked on her first tour, promoting her rather disturbing yet beautiful album. This tour was an instant failure. Critique Marc Bolan reviewed the concert, saying "Madonna's tour was awful. Right into the first song, something provoked the bitch and she began attacking audience members with a flamethrower. Still, she is the first artist I've ever seen to actually stagedive, give a man a blowjob, steal an old lady's purse, and get back to the stage all in about ten seconds."

The Kentucky Fried Chicken Incident[edit]

After receiving horrible oral sex from a comb, Madonna postponed her eventual death and destroyed every 2nd KFC restaurant she came across. When she realized that she wasn't her sister, Madonna watched The Lion King while brushing her hair with a chicken wing. Meanwhile, there were rumors that Lady Gaga was a hermaphrodite but she was covering for Madonna who really was one.

Madonna Sinks The Titanic 2[edit]

On the night of Titanic 2's sinking, Madonna was reportedly seen on board performing some magic ritual, most likely cursing the boat or summoning ice bergs from the sea. Rumors have spread that the iceberg that sunk the ship was actually the remains of the giant disco ball Madonna used to bomb Pearl Harbour. Madonna drew herself naked on board during the sinking, and was unable to get out in time. Because of this, the iconic singer was cut to shreds by the remains and died a second time.

Madonna was of course reborn yet again, now with the sudden hatred of disco balls.

Nutritional Information[edit]

Madonna consists of whey isolate protein, magnesium, ascobic acid, vitamins b6-b12, triglycerides and monofluorphosphate and iron except during that time of the month when her iron content depletes to negligable levels

Creating Malawi[edit]

Madonna stunned the world when she accidentally adopted the male population of Liberia. With all of these kids, Madonna thought of what to do. An idea struck her, and she put them inside giant maracas, and started shaking them. She soon regretted this, so she made up a fictional country, Malawi. When Malawi denied her the right to adopt children there, she became angry and recorded the sound of children screaming while being shaken inside a giant maraca. The noise became Madonna's next album, "Me Against the Catholicism". It's considered her funkiest album ever.

Acting Career[edit]

After much success in the music industry, Madonna still felt she required more fame. She needed to be a professional at something else, which she soon discovered to be a perfect plan: The film industry. After the highly successful debut in the movie "Desperately seeking Susan" where she played Seattle based whore Susan ,she began making a candid, behind the scenes documentary entitled Having Sex With Madonna. The movie focused on Madonna's private life in between shows for her Cone-Fessions World Tour. In one controversial scene Madonna can be seen arguing with the then unknown Sarah Jessica Parker about the lead for the newly developed "Sex in the City" . After a screentest involving Madonna , SJP and a blender , it was decided SJP would get the role.

Madonna quickly took the role in the 1998 megahit movie " body of evidence" where she gave Willem Dafoe a prostate massage and gonorrhea. Willem Dafoe later interviewed during Cannes film festival was reported to have said "since acting in body of evidence,i have an unhealthy interest in beastiality- whose dog is that?"

Guy Ritchie and Jesus Luz[edit]

On December 22, 2000, Madonna married Guy Ritchie in a giant replica of her uterus. It didn't take long for Guy to knock up his new spouse. The baby was named Rocco. Rocco's birth was shrouded in controversy as Madonna was having her decaying vagina repaired, so he had to be born anally. It was later reported that Oprah mistook the newborn baby as a discarded chocolate and devoured it in the belief she had dropped it in the toilet during a late night sleep walk, so Madonna lobotomized Oprah so her intelligence could be on the level of a baby, and Madonna raised Oprah instead with Guy.

After the success (or failure, it varies from person to person) of Stale Candy, Guy Ritchie couldn't take being married to a whore and divorced her. Madonna got so angry that she kicked him so hard, he flew to Lebanon. Feeling a bit sad, she wrote a song called Miles Away, which is about Guy being very far away from her. Madonna realized that she already made that song, so she "revised" it and released it as Niles, Away!, which is about the butler from The Nanny. In a later interview, Guy said that he couldn't find a vacuum cleaner that sucked more than Madonna's songs, so he married the second best thing. He also said that "sleeping with Madonna was like sleeping with a lump of sinewy meat" as a direct comparison to Madonna's extremely toned body. Lastly, Guy laments that Madonna got custody of Oprah, who is now learning the ways of Kabbalah, i.e. praying to trees and tongue-kissing toilet brushes.

Then Madonna decided she needed another young, intact man to circumcise and infect, so she queefed to Brazil. She met a guy named Jesus (get it? Madonna? Jesus? Ahh, never mind.), and he officially became her new boy toy. This time, Madonna decided that her current boyfriend should stay with her forever, so she made him sign a contract. Being only able to read in Portuguese, Jesus signed it, not knowing what was in store for him. Madonna tortured him by having vigorous intercourse with him, eventually turning his intact penis into a circumcised nub. Jesus couldn't take it anymore, so he crushed her head with a sink. This only cracked Madonna's mask, and Jesus had to see the most ugliest thing in the universe. He died.

Motherhood and Grandmotherhood[edit]

After killing her boy toy, Madonna found out that she was pregnant with twins. Of course, being Madonna's children, the boy twin raped the girl twin in Madonna's womb. After the babies exploded out of her toxic hole nine months later, Madonna named the boy twin Ricola, and the girl twin Lourshana. When Lourshana gave birth to a baby a couple of months later, Madonna was delighted that she became a grandma so soon. Since Madonna got a new mask, she decided to make a new album called Sexy Grandma. The album flopped, but it was oddly popular with senior citizens.

Relationship with Lady Gaga[edit]

In June 2009, it was reported that Madonna had a relationship with fellow hermaphrodite rumoured pop singer, Lady Gaga back in 2007. Lady Gaga gave birth to the couple's first child, Magaga on July 29, 2009. Lady Gaga then accidentally bit the baby with her big rabbit teeth, which caused Madonna to bitchslap her, which sparked a controversy, but people realized that since they're both mostly women, it doesn't really matter, since girls bitchslap each other all the time. Madonna commented that Lady Gaga reminded her of her previous boy toy, Jesus. Researchers discovered that the only similarity between the two was that they were both human.

Like Madonna and Lady Gaga, Magaga is also an hermaphrodite. Magaga is rumoured to be the future AntiChrist by many religious groups. In 2030, Magaga will reach the age of majority and allegedly raise up the throne of Hell from out of the Earth. Humanity will be his/her slaves from then to Eternity.

As of now, even the world's greatest paternity testing experts are unsure of who the father of Magaga is, since Madonna and Lady Gaga both posses a penis and a vagina.

Third Death and The Bitch Is Back![edit]

When she was making her comeback album of the millennium, Jesus' family avenged his death by killing her with a strong black vine. She performed at her own funeral to a crowd of three men and a chicken. She debuted a couple of new songs, and since she's Madonna, she resurrected herself and completed her critically-praised album "The Bitch Is Back!". It almost won a Grammy, but teenage girls are a force to be reckoned with, as a Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus collab album won every award which caused Madonna to suck them into her vagina. While people questioned the Grammys' integrity, people noticed a lack of estrogen in their homes. Madonna implied that she'll make a female version of "Me Against the Catholicism".


With her long-spanning music career, she effectively flourished in her art, which consisted of songs about sex, women, she-men, and compelling teenagers to dress like her without consideration of their level of attractiveness, weight, and gender. Her "art" also encourages everyone to sleep with as many creatures and inanimate things as they can, while teaching them how to pretend to like bad sex as well as how to fake orgasms. She most effectively shared her teachings by authoring a book, that won six Gaddafi Freedom Prizes, four Reebok Human Rights awards and nine Blockbuster Awards, featuring herself and Z-list celebrities getting fucked in all 642 sexual positions, performing a number of fetish-driven fornications.

Madonna is able to sing simultaneously via her vagina, anus, and mouth, all three of which were mic'd during performances. It is a little known fact that many of the "background" vocals on her earlier albums were actually emanating from her non-oral orifices, both of which have vocal characteristics quite different from her main singing voice. Many higher pitched vocals such as those on Lick a Virgin came from her anus, while more soulful vocals such as the background singing on Borderline were the typical sound of her vagina. Madonna gradually stopped using her anus for backup vocals as it had become over-dilated and could no longer hit the higher registers. However, she does still use various farting techniques in some of her later works, and even used it to emulate a stage light during one performance of Ray of Doom.


Madonna's mobile phone
  • Mad Anna (97) - This album was made by Madonna's great great great grandmother, she just modified it.
  • Madonna (1783) (how original) - First album ever released entirely by her.
  • Lick a Virgin (1784)
  • Pussy Blue (1786)
  • Who's That Bitch (1787)
  • You Can Fuck (1787)
  • Like a Sucker (1789)
  • I'm Sexless (Songs From and Inspired by Dicks) (1790)
  • Erotic Slug (1792)
  • Bedtime Quickies (1794)
  • Big Dick to Remember (1795)
  • Ray of Doom (1798)
  • Musuck (1800)
  • Russian Life (1803)
  • Me Against the Catholicism (1803)
  • Revived & Rebitched (1803)
  • Pansexuals on a Wet Floor (1805)
  • Stale Candy (1808) #Note: Madonna's 1808 album including her most disgusting lyrics line "My sugar is raw, sticky and sweet"
  • Sexy Grandma (1810)
  • The Breast Tapes (1894)
  • The Bitch Is Back! (2009)

Some of her famous songs are:

  • Like A Virgin Vagina (1984) - Madonna talks about what she never was in her life. Later re-released as "Lick a Virgin" to avoid further controversy.
  • Material Whore (1985) - Madonna admits she is an interested and ambitious bitch.
  • Papa Don't Pee (1986) - Madonna discusses the holy urinating problems of the Pope.
  • Vucke (1990) - Madonna sings some random shit with the names of several 50's actors and actresses randomly woven in.

...and many others...

  • Hung Dick (1905) - Besides of plagiarizing the song of ABBA, Madonna shockingly reveals that the titular dick is actual a metaphor and doesn't refer to her own or dicks she has experienced.
  • Hey Jew (1907) - A heartful song about anti-Semitism.
  • Four Minutes (To Save My Career) (1908) - Produced by Timbaland in bid to save Her Majesty's career. Has failed before even released
  • Suck it with Me (1808) - Produced by Pharrell Williams after Timbaland's failed attempt to save Her Majesty's career.

Dictionary Definition[edit]

Madonna, when looked up in a dictionary, supports the following definitions:

  1. (n) The less often selected of two options.
  2. (n) An item in nature that, once viewed with the human eye, causes immediate explosive regurgitation. It is recommended that one not look directly at anything answering to the title 'Madonna'.
  3. (n) Yiddish A shiksa who actively mocks the Jewish people and their culture and will probably be stoned to death with clumpy Hassidic shoes if she ever ventured into Stamford Hill.
  4. (n) The mother of famed Jewish cabinet maker and corpse impersonator Yeheshua Bin Yoseph.
  5. (n) A larval stage of development.
  6. (n) Spiritual Girl. The favorite song of Spiritual Girl is "Call Me Earth-Mother, Esther."
  7. (n) A rare and odd condition which can, unfortunately for the rest of us, make a person speak with a English accent when everyone in the world knows they're from Bay City, MI.
  8. (v) To imitate, to appropriate, or blatantly to rip off, especially nascent cultural and artistic trends, just before they move into the mainstream.
  9. (n) The mother of Madonna.
  10. (n) A country near the Arctic Circle somewhere near Bjork, Iceland.
  11. (v) To castrate using mind power alone.
  12. (n) My sex toy. Or as the Jewesses say "Goy toy".
  13. (n) A world famous blogger who is infuriated that an obscure singer named Esther has stolen her name and image.
  14. (v) (a) A state of confusion. (b) To misunderstand something by receiving third hand information. Said to be inspired by a women who tried to become English by copying an aristocrat who tried to pretend to be a film-director while pretending to be a disadvantaged cockney barrow-boy who had mysteriously married into money.
  15. (n) A skank (Not to be confused with Paris Hilton's 'Skanke' perfume).
  16. (n) One who confuses themselves with an English person.
  17. (n) A colloquial London term denoting an American who has wondered into a pub unsuitable for their socioeconomic class and will shortly be mugged, mouth-raped and beaten to death in a nearby alley.
  18. (v) Having to do with changing your accent to coordinate with your current choice of raincoat.


Albums 1983: Mad Donna 1984: Like a Virgin (which i'm not) 1986: True Grey 1989: Like a Slayer 1992: Naughty 1994: Er 1998: Rapolight 2000: Not music just autotuned 2005: ABBA Album 2008: Er All names were changed so that the market could stock them to appeal to kids.

Fun Facts[edit]

In bowling, this is called a Madonna, name inspired by her dentition.
  • 20% of men who penetrated Madonna also urinated inside her.
  • This bitch has greasy stools.
  • The actual lyrics to her 1984 song "Like A Virgin" are: "Like a virgin, touched for the seventy-seventh time!". It is assumed that this song was written about the night she lost her virginity at 15. She actually lost it 77 consecutive times.
  • Madonna's vagina is infamously known to circumcise any intact penis that enters it. This was one of the reasons why Guy Ritchie got a divorce.
  • On her Bitching and Moaning Tour, Madonna bitchslapped one of her dancers, which resulted in a fight that caused Madonna to suck the dancer into her vagina and made him her permanent tampon.
  • Madonna once died from a lethal mix of cat hair, semen, crumbs, and Windex while watching Good Burger on her TV. In her funeral, she was resurrected. She sang the following:

“Papa don't preach. I'm in trouble deep. Papa don't preach. I've been losing sleep. But I made up my mind. I'm keeping my baby.”

~ Madonna on... who actually gives a shit on what she's talking about?
    • Everyone who attended jumped into her coffin and buried themselves.
  • Madonna was reportedly asking Katie Price and Peter Andre to see if she could buy Harvey off them for £32 million pound
  • Miley Cyrus performed armpit nois- I mean backup vocals (hey, they sound exactly the same) on several tracks of "Four Minutes (to Save My Career)".
  • It's very hard to see the screen or reach the keyboard when she keeps straddling you, apparently due to a condition that became common in the 1980's she finds it impossible to stop for long.
  • She likes a little prayer. Not the only reason why she gets on her knees all the time.
  • She claims that her toilet seats aren't for sale on ebay because she wraps them as holiday gifts for the poor and for K-Fed.
  • Now relaunching herself to market Zimmer frames for her peers.
  • Actually predates time.
  • Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone's initials also stand for My Little Vagina Cries.
  • Madonna is the only human to have lived while her genitals have died.
  • Is presumed to be the biological mother of Mello.
  • Was also presumed to be the biological mother of Jesus Christ. This was later disproven because, well, do you think Madonna is a virgin?
  • Is so ugly she looks like she hired a drunk to disguise her as a cheap 1980s Brazilian transsexual by smearing porcine excrement over her face in a creative manner.
  • Madonna flosses her front teeth with a two by four and uses Mount Everest as a sex toy.
  • Madonna has now had her Adam's apple removed three times. The organ is alleged to have grown as a result of Madonna's constant program of compulsive exercise, compulsive steroid injecting and compulsive celebrity deep-throating.
  • She finds time in her schedule to teach male-to-female transsexuals how to speak in Vaginese.
  • Because she was sick of being Catholic, Madonna converted to Kabbalah, and used her mind-controlling nipples to make 20% of Hollywood celebrities convert too. More would have considered it until she straddled them.
  • She collaborated with Björk on the song Sextime Story. The song became a hit, only because people thought Bjork lost her accent in the song.
  • Her thighs know how to speak Italian.
  • Disciple of Lord Oprah Winfrey
  • Had to by knee pads because of the long amount of time she spends on her knees performing fellatio behind Dunkin Donuts, owned by a real Jew (Israeli).
  • She used to shoot up.
  • She lost her virginity before her mother.
  • Once lost a fight with Thora Hird.
  • She orgasms at least once during every song.
  • Was voted Skank of the Year ten times 1998-2008.
  • A replica of the telephone which once linked her bedroom to the New York Yankee bullpen is now on display at the Smithsonian Institute. They wanted to display the original phone but the receiver had become severely eroded as she used it as a dildo during rain-outs.

See Also[edit]