Nairn

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WARNING: This article pertains to Scottish things, dae nothin tae to fix this.
Whilst reading this article, you should wear a kilt, drink Irn-Bru,
eat Jock pies, snort crack, and sing Auld Lang Syne loudly.
Failure to observe these precautions will cause you distress and a life of misery in Falkirk.
Nairn
Nrrrrrn Anthem
Nairn.JPG
Actual picture of Nairn from the air.
Nrrrrrrrn
Currency:
Pig
Area:
Highlands
:
Nairnshire
Religions:
Swintonism
Idol:
Tilda Swinton


Nairn ('n??rn/ Gaelic: Inbhir Narann/ Nairneese: nrrrrrrrrrrn) is the fastest toon in Scotland and a former burgh in the Highland council area. It is an ancient fishing port and market toon. Nairn is one of the most religious toons in Scotland boasting more that 15 religious meeting grounds.

The toon is now best known as a seaside resort, with two golf courses, a small theatre, one small museum, more than enough churches and too many genetically modified seagulls.


Disclaimer: Nairn is in no way affiliated with the "chef" Nick "The Knockoff" Nairn.





















Geography[edit]

From the dreary, miserable scenery to the run down high street, Nairn screams sh*thole. Aesthetically it is depressing at best, however appearances can be deceiving. Delve past this and you will see how bad this town is.

Around 16 miles (26 km) east of Inverness 20 mins as the gull flies), 571 miles (918Km) from London,England (A hoor a long way as the gull flies).

As Nairn is so close to Inverness it is often considered another part of Inverness by councils and is covered by the same heartless money grabbers most notable is Danny Alexander. It is for this reason Nairn is often known as Nairn by Inverness to outsiders and stupid folk.

The A96 runs directly though Nairn much to the joy of the locals who will often use this as a point of argument when asked to pay extra for postage because Nairn is within the highlands and therefore the terrain is far to inhospitable and every parcel must be flown in by helicopter.

Mayhap consider moving to Junkie Heights, a block of verminous flats built on the site of the old bus depot. Whilst the residents drug-dealing stabbing baby daddies are doing time, the insatiable mothers bunch together in a 2 bed council flat drinking cheap wine blasting out bad 90s Ibiza mixes spouting the word ‘tunage’ every time another track blends in from the undistinguished ear shredding last. By 3 o’clock they are drunk and ready to hit the playhouse to ponc,e booze, find young men and take their drug of choice MDMA whilst the brats are dumped with the 35year old single grandma (grandad is doing time).

The High Street: a hole with unfriendly pointless shops peddling utter tat. The Beach: Actually quite pretty but spoiled by people reporting you to the council and Police for walking your dog without a lead, dropping a *** end or dog fouling 99.9% of the time this will not actually have happened however. Queenspark is full of dirty auld alkys with no prospects in life followed by their even bigger alky children who always end up preggers by the time they’re 20 with a fitbaw team. The Golf Course’s: There are 2. The West as it is known, which is for your stuck up person with 15 year old BMW’s and Audi’s with cheapo £250 Private number plates to disguise their vehicles age and increase their social standing. The Dunbar is the second course for the working man. Full of the same but they don’t live in the “West End” so don’t have the quite the same ability to act stuck up. However they secretly aspire to the day they can mortgage themselves to the hilt and buy a crumbling Victorian house there with deathtrap electricals and a 15 year old Audi with said rubbish £250 private plate to graduate to “The West End” elite.

Nairn has become the R.S.P.B.'s largest breeding colony of SeagullSeagulls, visitors and locals alike can often be found training adult birds in divebombing and shit targeting, visiting foreigners(weegies staying at local caravan park) are often amazed at the dexterity of the SeagullSeagulls in their ability to snatch a whole "bag'o'chips oot their hunds".

A Recent upgrade of the High St has managed to make what was a shithole into an even more unattractive shite hole with the addition of what the locals refer to as "that wee bump on the road".

In 2019 Mcdonalds was built just close enough to Nairn that the locals turned up in droves to see it being opened. The legendary Nairn Mcdonalds which sells more than one kind of burger has become the largest talking point in Nairn for years to come. Imagine, a town so backwards that a Mcdonalds opening was major event. To put it in perspective Dear Reader,there are third world countries that have had Mcdonalds for decades.

Culture[edit]

The town hosts the Nairn International Jazz Festival each August, usually attracting two well-known and world class musicians and many many west end snobs


The odious people of nairn enjoy running in charity races/marathons, but not actually giving a **** about the charity or cause. Merely so they can tell everyone they are running a marathon on Facebook to show how left wing, liberal, selfless and caring they are. Added bonus is buying the Nairnshire Telegraph to see their name in it for finishing 496th out of 500 in the race. But it’s all for charity of course! Lying about their wealth

There are many Pubs full of local worthies who know everything and have all been in the SAS despite never leaving the area except to go to Aberdeen/Inverness and show the Granite City how tough Nairnites are. (NB They are despised!)

The public toilets at the harbor had such an issue with people using them as glory holes, the council had metal plating put over the walls of the mens cubicles.

Harbour full of Yachts for the ‘’West End’ ’elite and normal little boats for people (not from there) who like boating. There is a Sports Club for people who pretend to like tennis/squash but actually just want to be seen to play tennis/squash eg. “oh, I don’t have time for coffee darling I’m late for tennis and Tarquin is using the Audi today so I am stuck with the BMW!” The Police Station, a favourite for making malicious complaints about people for no reason. Woods, there are loads of them. Perfect for taking your dog for a walk and then phoning the Police because you were “concerned” for some non discernible reason about the welfare of someone who is walking their dog. (The only reason being is to look important and an all too unmissable chance to phone the Police for no reason)

Nairn stages one of the biggest Highland games in the North. The first event was held in 1867 by Jock and Ally trying to decide who would have the porridge that week, and it is now one of the few where entry remains free. The games were a major event in the local social calendar until the people stopped being amused by logs flying through the air. The games also attract the biggest amount of Neds seen since the Flanders household.

People[edit]

The sinking of German submarine U-309 and subsequent capture of its crew in the moray firth in 1945 led to a small increase in genetic variability among the Nairnite population. However, most of the sailors were eaten and their skeletal remains turned into totems on what is now the A96, in a bid to keep interlopers away. The addition of fresh DNA gave rise to the ‘Surly top-knot leggings beast’ strain of Nairnite, a tall female-only specimen which continues to thrive to this day and is identifiable by its almost putrid skin, small piggy eyes and well above-average weight. They account for around 22% of the current female population.

Male Nairnites retain the hunched posture and hairy knuckles of their fore-cousins, although average heights are in decline due to gradual mitochondrial breakdown. Eyes are usually 60 per cent further apart than those in typical HomoSapiens, but some 30 per cent smaller. The Nairnites mouth can be as much as 20 per cent smaller than its human counterpart, but any more than four teeth (typically on the front lower mandible only) is considered rare.

Generally weird, ******, cliquey, Hyacinth Buckets. If you want the Police phoned because you are playing your radio too loudly at 14:00 on a Friday afternoon, move to Nairn. If you want the Police phoned because you are a day overdue with your tax disc, move to Nairn. If you want the Police phoned to accuse you of criminal damage because you took a walk on the beach with your dog and there happens to be a wall vandalized, move to Nairn. And so on…

If you're hideously unfortunate my erstwhile reader, you may come across Swiss Family W***s, a pack of raving mad goons who worship the SNP like some form of ancient egyptian sun god and drive to the shops in an actual caravan when they're not out annoying all and sundry by preaching the word of Pharaoh Nicola The 1st.

So called "Boy Racers". Their lives are devoted to ****-ing up their beloved Corsa and sitting in it at the harbor, parked six inches from some other mindless ****, eyeing up some buggy pushing, chip eating, trackie-clad 15 year olds. The girls who dwell in said area, stomp the streets in their fancy coloured Nike airs with their screaming brats and their staffies, whom are better groomed than the kids.

A large chrome exhaust does not make a 1.3 litre Corsa into a sports car, why rev the tiny guts out of it down the High Street drawing attention to the fact that you own a **** car?


The people in this horrible, bitter town are all grasses and gossips. Their whole lives seem to revolve around taking enjoyment from making others unhappy. Phoning the Police is deemed as a normal day to day recreational activity and a source of enjoyment. They have various committees set up for the local ******* on a power trip to flex their social muscle. River County Council, East County Council, Pubwatch etc. etc. All these organisations are in place to try and make people who have recently moved to the area feel unwelcome or to make people who were unfortunate enough to have been born here (but don’t fit in with their ******, closed mind, stuck up existence) leave.From the self righteous virtue signalling legionnaires of "Nairn Rocks" to the pot-bellied old men that like to creep on young girls in the co-op that have chased many a girl out of a job, Nairn has filth from all walks of life.

Jobs[edit]

Supermarkets and that is about it. Most people commute via horse and cart to Inverness for work. There are some who work out of Aberdeen. “He works off-shore he is minted!” is a common expression for somebody who works as a steward on £25k that then tells everybody he is an OIM comparable with JR from Dallas earning £150K. NB: (see 15 year old Audi).

Sport[edit]

Golf[edit]

Nairn is known as a world class golfing destination by at least three people.

Football[edit]

IF YOU ARE FROM NAIRN FEEL FREE TO HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME

The local football team is Nairn County F.C., who play in the Highland Football League with one other team. They recently picked up their first trophy in 31 years when they won the North of Scotland Cup 3-1 against rivals Forres Mechanics F.C. at Grant Street Park, Inverness after every other member of the mechanics died. The town has another football team, Nairn St Ninian, who are a junior outfit currently in training to save a goal, or score one, or dribble, or do more than fall over the ball.

Sneak peek at the Nairn Junior team training.

Who's the Father?[edit]

During the "Who's the father" section of this game a woman is impregnated and every person that sees the woman must then try to deduce the identity of the father of the child. This game's practical use during world war two was to prevent the Jerries knowing which children were bred for war by army officials.

As an added difficulty the father is often left unaware if he is the father or not.

People born in Nairn[edit]

  • Oscar Wilde but he did visit once.. ok he passed though but he nearly stayed.

Facebook[edit]

ah....Nairn Rocks (both an oxymoron and a moron). This dear reader, is the part in this War and Peace-esque saga where your erstwhile author struggles. how does one managed to encapsulate with mere words, the self indulgent, self righteous, virtue signalling, curtain twitching, pseudo-neighborly, two-faced circle-jerk that is Nairn Rocks on Facebook? oh wait...

Founded By Laura Clinton (Of the Arkansas Clintons) in the year of our lord 2015, Nairn rocks is a place for people to pretend to be nice in an effort to promote their businesses (when in actuality they were most likely slagging you off in one of the local awful watering holes minutes before) Where racists,pedophiles,rapists, adulterers and domestic abusers (mostly women on that last one) pretend to be upstanding concerned members of the "community". Hell, they welcomed back a man who stoles thousands off a disabled person in a carehome he worked in with open arms and offers of jobs when he got out of prison. It is a place where people come up with moronic ideas like sand castle competitions because for some reason they seem to have an extreme need to pretend that nairn is a Broons sketch from the 1950's. It is a place where as soon as someone hears even a hint of a police/ambulance/fire engine in a force 9 gale, they must rush to facebook to ask whats going under the pretence of being concerned when they're actually just sad,pointless,nosey gossiping dust muffed old women. Posts like this are SWARMED, SWARMED I TELL YOU, almost immediatley by people desperate for their daily doses of "Likes" by commenting pointless chaff such as "hope everyones ok" and "thoughts and prayers" (I'm sure that makes the half drowned tourist trapped on the sandbar feel much better Karen)

Nairn Rocks is a place where they love to pretend to care about people of other minorities when the grim reality is that it is a hotbed of racism and bigotry. Just mention the Roma (or in the local, barely understandable by anyone who evolved further than an amoeba, parlance "tinks") and watch all the do gooder virtue signallers explode with a fury that has only been matched once in history by a strange little austrian fellow with a silly mustache. Pubs are rife with racist commentary, in many cases from staff, teenagers at the beach will hurl racial abuse at tourists. a comedian once came to nairn for a gig and had racist abuse hurled at him on stage. many of the same people on nairn rocks who condemned it at the time have been known to utter far worse, more of the blatant hypocrisy of these "people".

So long story short, don’t move here, don’t even come here. Stay as far the f*ck away from here as you can get, particularly if you're of any minority other than fully functioning white british. Never in my life have I encountered somewhere that makes me yearn to return England's green fields so badly.

See also[edit]