— Oscar Wilde, paraphrasing Voltaire during a steamy
gay sauna get-together with London intelligentsia
Scotland is a small village in the North of Greenland that has been the envy of the world for some time; pretty much ever since America went Braveheart. The only people who dislike the Scots are the English, this is probably to do with the aforementioned, envy.
The country is currently regarded as having the most violent people in Europe or in fact the World. Scotland is also regarded as a failed state by the UN, with political corruption from all parties leading to endless enquiries that lead to a bunch of leaflets getting sent out about Scottish Independence, this also means that for Scotland to get any benefits or not go bankrupt on unfashionable skirts, they have to be in the union of the United Kingdom of Britannia (and Northern Pangaea). The Scots have a Parliament which was designed by Manuel from Fawlty Towers, and is a desperate (failed) attempt to make Edinburgh look like the "Barcelona of the North". Instead, Scotland has been cruelly compared to – as quoted by the Pope – "the saggy pulp found in between my toes".
History and politics
Scotland bore the brunt of several empires – Swedish, Roman and English respectively – trying to wipe out the backward and infamously angry inhabitants. For each empire this has turned into a Vietnam situation as Scotland more or less developed guerrilla fighting and ethical Nihilism in these dark years. Walls were even erected to keep out the "Blue Genital Aliens".
More recently in history more attempts were made to wipe out these surprisingly resourceful people economically, Marge Twatcher used Poll Taxes and stipends to try and starve off this "wart on top of England" as she put it, but this failed as well.
Currently further issues have ensued with Salmond the Hutt being elected as First Minister (not prime minister as this would sound too English). His Manifesto threatens England with its main policy of "pissing off Westminster". The political policy has the newly elected Scottish National Party (SNP) ignoring the largely underdeveloped north which is now more populated by English than Scots; this is coupled with the desperate urban decay of the larger cities of Glasgow and Edinburgh and time will tell if these cities can be brought back from dissolution as well as the rest of Scotland.
Salmond the Hutt has declared that when he has "liberated" Scotland he will sell it to Norway at a knockdown price, and he hopes that the Norwegians will be able to turn around the failed state. Further developments have been made to upgrade the Culture selling as much as possible out to America renewing and interest in this Country and one can tell little difference between stereotypes if you're rich, however the underlying poverty and closet sheep buggery tell of a place far more backward than Eastern Europe.
As of May 2010 VNC (Very Normal Chap) David Cameron won control of Britain in a game of tiddly winks with Brown and became Prime Minister. This greatly upset the Scots as only one man in the south of the country voted for him, and that was for a drunken bet. Fearing the loss of the herrings he liked for breakfast Cameron quickly appointed Nick Clegg as his Deputy – Scotland liked Nick because he had a Ginger friend and wasn't a Tory. In exchange for not burning England to the ground the Ginger (Danny Alexander MP) was given a position in the cabinet, next to the whisky.
Scottish currency is loosely base on the English Pound, except that in Scotland almost every bank can print their own money and they all look different. This system was devised primarily to piss off the English and flood their country with "monopoly money". Unfortunately the scheme backfired and they refused to accept the cash, leading to screams of "Its bloody legal tender!" from any Scot who ventured south of the border.
When not busy trying to leave the average Scot can be found wandering about fields and pubs searching for more treasure to add to their medieval bank vaults.
Scotland is famous for exporting many wares/foods that will inevitably destroy your body. Examples of these deadly fetishes are: any possible object being dipped into a deep fat fryer (Examples include Mars Bars and pizzas), Irn-Bru, Scotch Eggs, Haggis, Sheep, and Rob Schneider. They also export Scotch Tape, Scotch whisky, butterscotch, and hopscotch. Scotland's biggest export is Scots to: Anywhere else – even if it's colder – anywhere but here! These Scots, such as the Demi-God Sean Connery, will do anything for bonny Scotland except live there.
Scotland rarely imports goods, but on the occasion that it does it can import goods/wares such as: foreign workers, Vodka, Tourists, and The Royal Family (German Upstarts). On the whole, the economy is ... well, *&%? In every sense of the word.
Scotland is not currently allied with anyone although they do go out drinking and having a good time whilst watching the football (soccer for the W/Yanks) and rugby with Ireland on occasion. Although prone to the odd bit of unwelcome sectarian chanting (and the odd chibbing), in general the peaceful folk of this quaint place leave all the real hooliganism to their bastardly neighbor England. Along with Wales, the three countries were close friends during their high school years, often being given a swirly (full of fucking oil) by England during study periods; however they lost touch after graduation. They used to get on quite well with France, but the relationship cooled after Scotland got drunk and suggested a threesome with Norway. This proposition was referred to by historians of the time as the Bald Alliance, because it was at this time that Norway's hair began to come out in clumps.
Though officially insisting that the decision had been mutual, after the split from France, Scotland is widely thought to have let itself go. It put on weight, took up Protestantism, and began importing even more alcopops than before, tripling what was already a world record. Scotland, the country, is not officially at war with any country, the City of Glasgow and the City of Edinburgh have been at war ever since the latter collided with the former. Huge numbers of casualties have resulted on both sides, and both cities are pale shadows of their former selves.
Mostly though Scotland does not really bother about alliances, we have unspeakable social problems, although we tend to side with whoever is against England or "tha Inglish bastards". We have strong Economic ties with America and it is hoped they will revitalize our backward Economy with their exchange students.
National character“Now it’s my time to shine with these people whom technically I hate and look down on, yet I so crave their approval and validation.”
Typically Scottish people are characterized by high achieving muscle-bound anti-social bastards, the reason for their success is not only the substantial pay off from England to stave off independence but also the motivation of the Scots which is hate and resentment, this drives them not only success at home and abroad but to a deep contempt for their fellow man. The national motto of Scotland is, in Latin Nemo me impune lacessit or Gaelic Cha togar m' fhearg gun dìoladh. (Roughly, "You don't want to fuck with me.")
Another thing that will strike the visitor to our waterlogged land is the tendency for Scots either to be euphoric, angry or wholly disengaged from reality (Leonidas); whether this is "the illness of Scotland" or the concentration of insanity in the genes leaves many scientists baffled, similarly the high achievement is also baffling since the population is mostly illiterate and has low concentration span due to the terrible diets the Scots have.
The English want ultimately to be like the Scottish, the Scots however openly display hate for the English and the further north the more prevalent it is to find that to be called English (or "Inglish") is an insult in itself. Even the Cornish try to be like the Scots, but we hate them and we'll only abide the sight of them when we want tin.
For all those puny races who want to be like the Scottish, they never live up to the peculiar mixture of terrifying anger and humour that characterize this people addicted to having chips on their shoulders and having the kind of misanthropy that usually is found amongst the Germans.
We also see a worship of strange garments, derived from Trappist monks, that seem like deep seated traditions like kilts (skirts) being worn among the men folk, this fills the world with envy for some reason as they are dreadfully uncomfortable, why the English don the outfit at weddings is somewhat tacky, as they are chiefly responsible for trying to ethnically cleanse the Scots.
Millions of Americans and Australians and other countries which try to be different from the English (e.g., Canada) despite speaking the same language are all cheap imitations of the original Scottish independence and foreignness.
Culture and philosophies
Scotland has provided the world with many great inventions over the years, including the television, Feghaly and the sporran. They also claim to have changed the direction of electricity, but the rest of the world threatened to sue for the cost of reprinting the textbooks. The list of things invented by Scots grows directly in proportion to the amount of alcohol one feeds to the Scot who is reeling off the list. If they are allowed access to an ordinary supermarket wines & spirits aisle, the Scots will apparently have invented everything.
Other cultural and philosophical contributions include Adam Smith who invented economics, especially the selfish American kind called capitalism. His studies have influenced people the world over, particularly the White Male to screw everybody and feel that they are benefiting the world with their own personal gains.
It is widely known by everyone, especially the English, that Scottish music is considered to promote nationalism. As such, any time it is heard by a Scot it conjures memories of being raped/slaughtered by English cavalry. England's lack of traditional music or culture of any kind ("Well what abow Oasis, roll out the curry rug") has led to the English feeling all Celtic when they hear Highland music and leaves them wanting to be Scottish, bizarrely many foreigners also feel the need to be Scottish after hearing our "music". There are many variants of the compositions and many famous players like Lars Ulrich, however the constant is that all Scottish Music has two musical instruments, which are Bagpipes and Pikeys using accordions (batteries required).
— Morrissey on Scottish sports
As a rule Scotland does not succeed in sporting events, as other countries don't allow the "head butt" or "Hit and Run" tactics that embody Scottish strategy on all matters. There may come a day when the odd fluke is not the only victory – until that day we Scottish hang our heads in a deep shame. Most Scottish people support Celtic.
Scottish military“It’s simply effing fantastic that we can send those effing Weegies to kick the effing crap out of those effing ragheads!”
— The Queen on the Royal Scots Guards
Currently Scotland has withdrawn its military from active duty of defending Scotland since the English have told them not to. However many of the fine psychopathic Scots ironically fight for the English like the Ghurkas in Nepal or the child soldiers in Africa. The Tartan Army is the main branch of the Scottish army; ever increasing funds go to hiring recruits, usually selected at age five and trained up to high "Scottish" standards.
It has been announced that whilst Gordon Brown has moved English and mutant forces into the "Overlook" position at their bases as he has sent the Scots to "set aboot" the Foreigners to continue the war of terror.
The illness of Scotland is something that any visitor will begin to feel after spending any time here, conditions such as a debilitating sense of despair and a fear of the outside world or a general sense of paranoia are symptoms; you may also find Chips on your Shoulders. Skin ailments and asthma from the heavily polluted air may occur, and you may also find that you feel the need to shout at people or become a member of an obscure cult like the Wicca cult in that shite seventies documentary on Shetland. If you suffer from one or many of these symptoms it is a sign that you're suffering from Scotland; Booze is the prescription cure for the condition – repeat as necessary.
The native folk drink vast quantities of Irn Bru to keep them from committing suicide. It is not recommended that newcomers try this as years of physical abuse defend the Scots from feeling the effects of Irn Bru, Deep-fried Mars Bars and Pizzas. Should you be a "plus size" American I would still caution against this difficult regime of physical abuse through diet and lifestyle; should you be Polish, I invite you to try it and see if the communist in you can survive it and live to tell the tale – probably not, but that's not all bad.
There is also the symptom of Oompah Loompahism in females: a gross physical condition that affects the Scots' women – orange skin and heavily died hair and a harsh masculine look. One would think that these terrible mutations are Chavs/Neds affected by Irn Bru and awful home conditions, however they often display a great deal of intelligence and some degree of understanding of the world so rare in Scotland. This symptom of the illness of Scotland primarily affects third generation "Pure Native" Scots and is incurable unless from a responsible woman beater (Scotsman) who can reverse this terrible symptom of Scotland.
Geology and natural history
- See also: Geology
According to the English and hence the British Geological Survey based down in England with a little office in Edinburgh, the whole of Scotland is composed of a hard acidic, intrusive sedimentary rock called Stornoway. Everything is the same except from Aberdeen where the granite is a silvery colour, Peterhead where it's pink and Fort William where it's olive green. Geologists think that Scotland has some of the world's oldest rocks, these being the Lewisian originating from Na h-Eileanan Siar where everything is old, even the youngest people. This effectively means that everywhere in the world is made of Scotland. Despite this BGS propaganda, the geology of Scotland appears highly complicated due to numerous geologists going mental with their coloured pencils and making it look structurally complex. If you go to Northwest Scotland for example, you may find Gneiss, a rock geologists named because that's what it looks like; nice. Unlike granite, the gneiss appears all stripy and no matter what geologists try and brainwash you into, they are really still granites, just stripy and multicoloured due to numerous years of primary school art projects over the years. This is because every village in this part of the world has a school, even if only two children live there.
As far as countries go, Scotland has traveled the furthest. Formerly the W of Gondwanaland, it traveled from the South Pole, across the equator, past the tropics before taking a wrong turn at the Iapetus, allowing Baltica to collide into it to form England. This therefore makes Scotland older than England and far superior. Nowadays, Scotland is beginning to drift slowly northwards. Some debate that this is due to Continental Drift whereas others are firm believers that the SNP is somehow behind this.
The islands of Scotland are much younger than the granite mainland, mainly due to a period of volcanic activity in the Tertiary. During these events when volcanoes were widespread, early settlers were forced to build islands such as Canna and Uist to escape the deadly molten lava using different rocks from around the world that weren't under lava or water. This makes for interesting geological mapping of this region. These volcanoes are now extinct from the exception of Arthur's Seat in Edinburgh and Ben Nevis.
Flora and fauna
Scotland has many well known types of wildlife which are below and also a variety of orange birds and emos, which may also be orange; possibly one may even see the rare 40-year-old Goth near extinction in Scotland:
This is by far the most prevalent animal in Scotland. They prowl endlessly, barking in the streets and are accused of draining Scotland's economy. Alex Salmond has requested Parliament authorise a cull of these creatures, however Europe (typical) has not allowed the motion. The over-breeding of these creatures is no doubt the cause of much of the urban decay throughout Scotland.
Alcoholics and Hobos are also of the same Genus, however they tend to look better and are largely unable to talk or communicate with others, The Drug Addict of Scotland, on the other hand, has been to a fine Scottish University and is able to communicate between fixes and possibly during fixes, although no conclusive study has been made as the research students fled when the screaming/barking started.
Their main hideouts include toilets and generally the street where deals can proceed openly, as the Police are usually arresting ten-year-olds for possession of knives and, more often than not, pump action shotguns.
The Scottish government says the casualties are acceptable as there's plenty of money going into other things like Haggis factories and English run Whisky factories; therefore no need to square up to the junkies and dealers, after all they "keep the economy afloat".
- See also: Lake Spooky
Common to the lochs of Scotland for many years has been the Nessie or Loch Ness Monster, a shy and retiring creature that only comes into public a few times a year when the smell of American Dollars is carried on the wind from tourist resorts. The monster eats only American Dollars and Euros, although it is also pleased to accept most major credit cards. Frequent visitors to Scotland can elect to feed the monster by Direct Debit, and make savings of up to £14 (pounds) a year.
Prior to its flotation on the stock market, the monster was for many years mistaken for the towering mobile eye of a Martian War Machine, and caused the regular evacuation of villages – not to mention a number of unintelligible and threatening phone calls to Hollywood star Gene Barry.
Eventually the local council was given a briefing as to the difference between Fantasy and Reality. An ancient exploitate cynica capitale ritual followed in which the Scots pledged themselves to guard and exploit the monster for as much as it was worth, for the rest of their natural lives. It is estimated that the monster's annual contribution to the Scottish economy is equivalent to the sale of forty million tartan dollies in plastic tubes.
The national foods of Scotland are the sausage and the bagpipe. Haggis is a sausage cooked in a bagpipe. Haggis is named for the animal from whence it comes; a small furred mammal called the Wild Haggis, with two legs shorter than the other to allow for running in circles around the hills on which they live. Haggis is rarely eaten outside Scotland because it contains a powerful cocktail of neurotoxins, hallucinogens and aphrodisiacs that only those of Scottish descent could hope to survive.
This creature is usually found amongst "Middle Class" Scots who have reverted into strange existentially obsessed hobos, they prowl the streets trying to resurrect God and find more booze, often they are found in one of the many fine drinking establishments in Scotland reading a quality broadsheet (the Guardian) or bizarrely living on the streets as if they are beggars but are in fact from reasonably good homes.
Stalkers comprise a large chunk of the Scottish population and can be seen throughout Scotland with that lost dog look on their faces and a request for twenty pence. Stalkers can often be spotted by a vigilant wildlife spotter heading for "the zone", also called the off license in other places or can be seen raising money to go visit "the zone" selling the Big Issue.
Many submit to the idea that the Stalkers are spies from outer space who need questionable illegal substances to breathe or that they are the next phase in evolution or mutations to an inferior species of humanity, or even that they are a lame stereotype from a lame seventies Sci Fi film; the future will tell what these Stalkers are on the Planet for, if anything.
- See also: England
A new and diverse type of people are coming to Scotland claiming to feel the Celt in themselves and are coming up to the Highlands to enjoy the life sapping weather and mind numbing boredom that characterise the region. I speak, of course, of the English, who, having over-bred and ruined their country, seek to come up to Scotland and recreate the hell they came from.
They plant their pathetic seeds and hope something will grow and idly make light of the weather knowing they will ultimately have to return to their own ruined land or similar events of The Shining will surely occur in the wilderness that is the Highlands. The English go stir crazy up there without the mind suppressants and Prozac contained in Irn Bru. Usually, these White Settlers rent out their "renovated" homes after six months at extortionate prices to disenfranchised locals.
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