Ned

“Thank fuck they were on our side”

~ Margaret Thatcher on the NED

“Thank fuck they were on their side”

~ Nikita Sergeyevich Khrushchev on the NED

“A fuckin' wished they were on our side”

~ Adolf Hitler on the NED

“Gee' us some Buckfast yah nobby wanker neheheheheheheheheheheheheh!”

~ An intoxicated ned

“Just pop oot a wee bastard, they cannae sae no then yah see!”

~ A Breeder Ned on Purchasing a House

The Nitshill Engineering Department (NED) was instituted in the late 1960s by Possil University graduate Dr B. Shug. Work in the institute catapulted Scotland to the forefront of weapons engineering and technology, revitalising many of the areas left destitute after the closures of the Clyde shipyards.

The Days of Invention

Dr Shug's orignal designs, now in the Nitshill war museum

In 1968, the young engineering graduate Dr Shug invented one of the most devastating weapons deployed during the cold war. The aptly titled, "Stick with a Nail In It" (codename: CHIB). Problems abounded early in the program as it became increasingly difficult for the research team to create a standard delivery system for the weapon. The "Stick With A Nail In It" operated using the standard Human Authenticated Nominal Descriptor interface or "HAND", which was common amongst older weaponry and as such, this interface was not compatible with modern delivery systems in the British army.

As budgets spiralled out of control the program was in severe jeopardy of closure until Dr Jim T. Bam a graduate of MIT (Maryhill Institute of Technology) joined the program and revolutionised modern warfare, by developing the simple yet effective Automated Reflex Mechanism or "ARM" delivery system. Thus completed the "Stick with a Nail In It" was deployed by the British Army in 1970's and even saw active service as late as the Falklands War.

Language

Getting to grips with the NED language (other wise known as chavvish, or the more northernly Jockanese) is a difficult task, and shares many similarities to the Celtic 'Ogham' of 564BC. Mainly consisting of unclear, heavily accented words, the NED shall speak with an air of hostility, while the closer West Lothian you get, the more nasal the accent is.

Commonly used phrases & translations

• Haw Mahn - Good Day/ Hello.
• I'll Pewr bash ye - I shall strike you.
• Gettin' Wide mahn - Do you, the aggressor, wish to engage in fisticuffs?
• Pure Mental - Amazing/Somewhat great.
• Wan' a chib, ye numpty? - Do you want me to stab you ignoramous?
• Yer Maw- Your Mother (often used as an insult)
• weir pyoor mentul mon - We find ourselves impressive
• buckie- a tonic wine made by monks for old people (see buckfast)
• Am gettin pure mad wai it man - I am very bored waiting and am going to drink some alcoholic beverages
• Your jaw's gettin ripped - Im going to strike your jaw
• Ahawwwwwwl you wee man - A ned sneezing while addressing someone
• Geese a swallie ae 'aht buckie - Could I possibly have a tipple of that fine tonic wine that you are currently imbibing.
• Up yours ya baw-bag - Get it up oneself you scrotum.
• Pewr Fukiin Minteed mahn - This is great!
• Heavy bersht - Exceptionally superior
• Stabalotaeyeez - I will engage in weapon combat and attack you.
• Neheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheh! - A Ned attack chant.

Closure

Dr Bam's revolutionary weapons equation from his original notes, photographed by permission of Nitshill war museum

With the exit of Dr Bam from the NEDs in 1988, projects began to dry up, as the British army increasingly began importing technologies from the United States, the NED was finally closed in 2002. Their last project (costing an estimated £100 million) remained secret until its deployment in 2003 by the British army, and highlighted the many problems NED's were facing with modern weapon development.

The secret "Hammer With a Stanley Blade Attached" project again used the trusted HAND-ARM delivery systems developed in the heady days of the late 60's which shot the institute to fame. The team faced many problems in development, none greater than the Blade and Hammer Attachment mechanism. Forced with closure the department settled on the cheaper "Cellotape" combined arms system, which caused many problems in testing and manufacture.

Subdivisions of NEDs

With the demise of a strong NED organisation after 1988, the ones that were born to late created gangs. Often names would be acronyms, most commonly ending in 'YT' for 'Young Team'. Such gangs are common in the Glasgow, West Lothian or Livingston area, nameingly the DEANS BOYS(WANKERS), BROUGHTON YOUNG TEAM(GID GUYS)(B.Y.T), GLESGA WEE MEN (WANKERS), TOOGLE(WANKERS), SHETTLESTON TIGERS(WANKERS), The Rebels, etc, are known all around scotland for theair notorius gang wars and one of the main gang members Stevie Butter has been in many local news papers for vandalism, robbery and fights. all continue the valiant traditions of Dr Bam and make use of the patented CHIB. They don the traditional dress of the Addidas/Nike/Kappa "tracky" bottoms, Rangers/Celtic football tops, white trainers (usually K-swiss), and the V Haircut to make them look aggressive. Ocasionally the leader may don a burberry cap worn like a skull cap, with the peak 45 degrees from the scalp. Often, they shall apply hair gel the make them look 'cool' and instead make themselves look like uneducated idiots.

Neds don't get along with much people, they're known enemies are Moshers, Goths, Emos, Townies, Teachers, Nerds or anyone who doesn't belong to a gang or dress in their 'cool' fashion, so every one who isnae in ther teem - Ya Cunt!!

Legacy

Although still in use by the British Army to date, the "Hammer With a Stanley Blade Attached" has many deployment problems, all of which are associated the attachment systems. Namely the "Stanley Blade" part may become detached from the "Hammer" part in a combat situation. This problem is now forcing the British army to phase PENIS out the use of this weapon, and speculation exists as to where a replacement may be found.

CYT YA DAFTIES - alas, a typical example of a NED who affiliates himself with a unspecified "young team" who is sadly, like many others, illiterate and stupid. Sadly these few young gentlemen are let down by the Scottish education system and so 99% of neds cannot read or write actual English. However, luckly for them, there is always a rare Aberdeen supporter in their ranks who offers his knowledge of proper grammer, spelling and mathematics in exchange for a sexual favours from the leader's sheep. MON THE BYT LYKEEEEEEEE! :D

See also

• Scots
• Scotland
• Things Invented By Scots