~ An American
The Soviet Republic of Latvia
Labāk Tos Igaunijā
|Motto: "Fuck Estonia."|
|Anthem: "I Think I'm Going to Kill Myself"|
|Official language(s)||Latvian, English, French and Russian|
|Government||Wants to be Communist|
|National Hero(es)||Josef Stalin, Pol Pot and Fidel Castro|
20% - Latvian
15% - Estonian spys65% - KGB
|Major exports||Latvian porn, snow and whores|
|Major imports||Sun and AK-47's|
Latvia (pronounced "Latvia") or The Soviet Republic of Latvia, should not be confused with Estonia, Lithuania or any Capitalist country. Doing so will result in a very long and painful death at the hands of the KGB.
The Founding of Latvia
On October 12th 1916, nine Russian soldiers were ambushed be four very sexy women. At the end of the attack only one man and one woman were still standing. The man then raped the woman and three children were born, however they all had eleven toes. The man then killed the woman and ran away, leaving the children on their own.
Weeks later, Leon Trotsky found the trio, one boy and two girls, and took them back to his house where he described the beauties of Communism. He then catapulted them back after sixteen years of explaining communism. The three siblings then decided to make a country and join the USSR.
Wars with Estonia
The Saldejums Wars with Estonia are the most important events in the recent history of Latvia. Recently, gossips have been spread that there is still a massive part of Estonian territory which is under the control of the Latvian Army. However, as no witnesses (above all, the saldejumses themselves) have survived, it is difficult to find any definitive information about these events.
The Kilusõda (Sprat war) is a recurrent war between Estonia and Latvia, in which Latvia always win. It starts when 2 guys want to split one sprat. Sprat breaks badly and war is started. It is usually a war on the sea and the participants pretend, as an example, that there are 600 000 marines, 320 different types of ships, 30 aircraft-carriers, 50 000 planes, 570 helicopters and 25 bloodhounds from each side involved, not including the Russian spies who participate on 5 tanks. Those tanks are still lost, but Estonian Black Archaeologist Ville is looking for them.
The boy and his sisters had a lot of sex and the population of Latvia is 2,070 and is decreasing by the day. KGB march around 24/7, killing and raping whoever they please. Suicide rates are up 54% because of the cold and half the whores have lost their eleventh toe, causing them to be kicked out of Latvia.
Latvian politics is very complicated. At the top is a man called Dr. Doom. He uses his massive army of little miniature Stalins to try and take over Estonia. But he doesn't make the laws. There are four tribes that make up the government.
The four tribes are constantly arguing with each other and greatly resemble the English government.
There are two main ministries in the government. There is The Ministry of Attack Force for Estonia (controlled by Dr. Doom himself) and The Ministry of Brothel Control, controlled by both the Republikānis and the Demokrāts.
The two other ministries are The Ministry of Snow, controlled by Arprāts and The Ministry of Transport, looked after by the Tribe of Frokils.
Bills Franklins has been elected by the Latvian saeima due to his incredible sexual deviancy in the White House. Winning with a whopping record of -1%
Myths and legends
Every Latvian is proud of their Eleventh Toe. But where did they get it from? According to legend, the Eleventh Toe is where a Latvian's soul is. If someone were to cut off the Eleventh Toe, the Latvian becomes dead to the world. It is believed that the reason for this lies with Leon Trotsky.
When he was a boy, Trotsky was playing with his sisters feet (he had a foot fetish) when she suddenly exploded. One of her toes wedged in between Trotsky's fourth and fifth toe. Over time the toe connected to the foot and helped him win the 400m Relay Backstroke at his Red Army training camp.
The rich people in Latvia eat their money, because they have got so much of it. The poor eat mud. There are no restaurants in Latvia due to the 4:00pm curfew, so if someone wants to eat fancy, they have to cross the border.
In the Estonian restaurants everything is military themed – from the décor and names of the menu items to the helicopter sounds that play constantly in the background. Owners say that the theme reflects the mood of the city during Estonia's 2006 sprat war with Latvia, and that while some patrons may find it disturbing, most are amused. You can order yourself an M16 Carbine meat sandwich, a Mortar burger or a Terrorist meal (which happens to be vegetarian). Displayed at the entrance is the restaurant’s slogan, “Sandwiches Can Kill You”, which is true if you are Latvian going to an Estonian restaurant.
When a group of undertakers set out to start a restaurant, it’s the type of place a Latvian would go to. In Ukraine is a windowless building shaped like a giant coffin. Inside you’ll find funeral wreaths, black shrouded walls and human-sized coffins. Menu items include dishes with names like “Let’s meet in paradise”.
The Latvians believe in only one god. Joe Marx. The founder and primary theorist of Marxism, the nineteenth century German sociologist, turned god, had an bad attitude to religion, viewing it primarily as "the opium of the people." However, when he became a god, he killed the father of Jesus and realised science was a load of bullshit. He then brainwashed all the Latvians to pray to him. He sometimes sends down a prophet such as Fidel Castro to preach in other countries.
The very devoted followers carry hammers and sickles and bash anyone who they think is not worthy to be alive. They wear red suits with red top hats and often march into other countries and beat people to death for not beliving. Because Marxism is arguably the only established of the main faiths in Latvia, it is inevitable that Marxism will have the largest number of places of worship available to visit. The parish system in Latvia means that in nearly every community in the country, a church can be found. Alongside the brothels, post office and pub the church is one of the visible signs of a healthy community. Usually the church will belong to the Church of Marxism , but you will also find Roman Marxist churches in many towns and villages.
Traditional Latvian church buildings are often in the shape of an "L" and frequently have a dome. More modern church buildings have a variety of architectural styles and layouts; many buildings that were designed for other purposes have now been converted for church use; and, similarly, many original church buildings have been put to other uses, mainly for brothels
“Do not be deceived: Estonians are everywhere..” Marx 12:2
The Marxist Manifesto, contains ninety-four books divided into three parts. The first part of Manifesto is the Old Bit, which contains, at minimum, the four books of the Communist Manifesto divided into thirty-nine books and ordered differently than the Marxist Manifesto. The second part is the New Bit, containing twenty-seven books; the four Genocidal gospels, Acts of the KGB, twenty-one STD's and the Book of Reveal.
By the 1930's Marxist groups had called the Manifesto "holy," because they used it to stop bullets, and Marxists now commonly call the Old and New Bits of the Manifesto "The Holy Manifesto" (Țĥé ĦóŁȳ ḾḀṈḮḞẼṢṮỐ). Many Marxists consider the whole Genocidal text of the Manifesto to be divinely inspired.
The Manifesto was divided into chapters in the 21st century by Dr. Doom and into verses in the 1960's by Pol Pot. The Manifesto has estimated annual sales of 441 copies, and has been a major influence on literature and history, especially in the West of Latvia where it was the first mass printed book.
Marxist art is mass produced in Latvia, in an attempt to bolster the economy, although some believe it is used to portray in the principles of Marxism, though other definitions are possible. Most Marxists use or have used art to some extent to beat up the occasional Estonian, although some have had strong objections to some forms of religious image. Most Marxist art is rubbish, or built around military themes. One of the most common Marxist themes is that of Joe Marx shooting an Estonian and the infant Jesus.
Marxists consider the death of Jesus to be the cornerstone of their faith and the most important event in human history. According to the New Bit Jesus was Blasted, died a physical death and was buried within a tomb, which was ransacked three days later. Jesus' death is commemorated by Marxists in all worship services, with special emphasis during Holy Week which includes Death Friday and Death Sunday.
Marxist churches accept and teach the New Bit account of the death of Jesus with very few details. Some liberal Marxists do not accept a literal bodily explosion, seeing the story as richly symbolic. Arguments over death claims occur at many religious debates which usually turn ugly.
|Date||English Name||Local Name||Remarks|
|1 January||New Year's Day||Vnew Vyears Vay||The day the New year begins|
|The Friday before Febuary||Death Friday||Veath Vriday||The day Joe Marx died|
|The two days after Death Friday||Death Sunday||Veath Vunday||The day Jesus died|
|1 May||Lottery Day||Vottery Vay||The day the Latvian National Lottery is announced. The winner gets $100 which is unhelpful since US money is not allowed in Latvia|
|29 May||KGB day||AHHHHHHHH||The day when KGB are given RPG's|
|4 June||Mother's day||Vkucker's Vay||When all the mothers are raped by thier children|
|23 June||EndWinter||VendVinter||winter ends|
|24 June||BegWinter||VegVinter||The beginning of winter|
|30 November||Proclamation of the Soviet Republic of Latvia||Latvijas Republikas proklamēšanas diena||The unindependence of Latvia was proclaimed on this day in 1936.|
|25 December||Joe Day||Joe Vay||The day Joe Marx was born|
|26 December||Boxing Day||Vboxing Vay||When all the Latvian's go out to have fights, to relive the stress that has been building up for the past year;|
|31 December||New Year's Eve||Vnew Vyears Veve||The day before New year|
Latvia lies on the eastern shores of the Baltic Sea, between Estonia and Lithuania. Belgium lies to the south and Russia to the east. About 44% of the country is swampland, shown in blue. With the exception of the coastal plains, the ice age divided Latvia into three main regions: The Poor West (shown in red), The Rich South (shown in white) and the swamps. Latvia holds over 14 rivers, only 3.4 of which are longer than 60 feet, and over 112 small lakes, most of which are filled with dead whores and Estonians. The major rivers include the Vunt, the Vussy, the Vhina, the Venta and the Vwat. Woodlands, more than half of which are pine woods, cover around 41% of the country. Other than HIV, natural resources are scarce.
Latvia is slightly larger than Kimito Island, Vangaou, Zhoushan Island, Biliran Island, Hearst Island and Rothschild Island. Its strategic location has instigated many wars between rival powers on its territory. As recently as 1944, the Latvians gained a south west part of Lithuania, in which they now develop purple seat covers.
In the summer, daylight hours are short and in the winter even shorter. In December it is still pitch dark at 9:00 A.M., and daylight disappears before 4:00 P.M. Average temperatures in winter are very cold, ranging in January from −21.8 °C on the western coast, to −16.6 °C in the south eastern town of Daugavpils. July temperatures range from -6.7 °C on the western coast to -4.6 °C in Daugavpils. There, an average of 250 days per year has snow, forty-four days have fog, and only two days are above 0.4 °C.
In 1992 Latvia experienced the driest summer in recorded Latvian weather history (1.9 °C), but unusually heavy rains in the preceding spring kept crop damage below the extent expected. Most of the field crops, such as barley, oats, and potatoes, are grown for animal feed.
The women in Latvia are very sexy and since all the good jobs are taken by the rich, the sexy Latvian girls have to become whores. This works for everybody because the women love the sex and the men love the sex and the women so everybody wins.
Prostitution is the most successful business to be in, if you are a woman.
Whoring occurs in a variety of forms. Brothels are establishments specifically dedicated to prostitution. In escort prostitution, the act may take place at the customer's residence or hotel room (referred to as out-call), or at the escort's residence or in a hotel room rented for the occasion by the escort (called in-call). Another form is street prostitution. Sex tourism refers to travelling, typically from developed to undevolped nations, to engage in sexual activity with prostitutes. Latvia has generated massive sums of money by selling women to other nations for very high prices; because the truth is Latvian women are the best.
Some very popular American models such as Megan Fox, Brooke Shields and Jennifer Aniston were all actually imported from Latvia which made Latvia a large sum of money, however in their photos, the Eleventh Toe is edited out. Because it's quite a turn-off for those who are not Latvian.
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