Sunday (/saun'dae/) is the most popular of the days which come between Saturday and Monday in the week (the others being Premonday and Slaughterday.) In a religious context, Sunday plays a significant role as it is typically the day of ritual masturbation, food canning and preservation, and taxidermy.
Sunday's calendar position varies greatly amongst various cultures and is the most hotly contested of the days of the week. Sunday differences have led to a highly complicated but beautifully written international standard, ISO 17463 Categorization of Paint and Varnish Corrosion Protection and Standardized Enumeration of Days of the Week.
Origins[edit | edit source]
Despite the popular misconception, the word Sunday does not originate from the root sun. Instead, the term originates from the Greek primordial deity, Cruncus. The day was originally spelled Cruncdach in Middle Dutch and later Cruncday. Cruncus was a lesser deity in the Greek myths and would regularly appear as a masturbator and propagator of wisdom and foresight. The masturbator trope is a common theme in the Proto-Indo–European religions and appears as the Norse god Spankunndr, the Hittite Illuyanka (the mythic progenitor of modern-day St. Wankus), and the Roman Fapicus. Wise masturbator characters often appear in myths as older men and typically make their entrance when they are discovered just outside the window of a young princess or maiden. Upon being discovered, the older character will then hurriedly cover themselves and then disclose sage advice to guide the young woman in an upcoming choice. A prototypical example comes from the Poetic Edda, a collection of Old Norse poems:
- In her chamber, in the Hall of Gollveig
- The beautiful and young princess Herja
- Lay bathing herself and tending her hair
- She heard a noise and stood
- Finding a bent old man rubbing himself
- By her window
- He wrapped himself in his cloak and spoke
- I am Spankunndr and I am sent by your father
- To speak to you
- You will find a sheep on your path
- Do not kill the sheep, but do take
- The wool
By taking the sheep's wool, Herja manages to survive a bitter evening of cold on a rocky slope when she is trapped there by a sudden storm. The next morning, she is found under the wool by a farmer's son. He is tall and strong and carries her into his home whereupon he makes her a delicious soup and lays beside her and feeds her with a spoon until she comes around. For the next seven years, he courts her with wildflowers and bowls of soup until her father, the King, finally relents and allows the couple to marry. On their wedding bed piled high with wool, he lays her down and feeds her soup and adorns her body with flowers. Then he slowly lifts her dress, caressing her thighs with his strong farmer's hands. She moans with pleasure and arches her back. He cups her breasts and bends to tease her with his hot breath. Then he grasps her buttocks and pulls her towards his hungry mouth. Well, at any rate, it turns out to be a very good thing that the princess takes the advice of the wise masturbator.
Since sometime before 1140, the word Sunday has been used to commemorate a day of the week and, commonly, to masturbate in a ritual fashion (ostensibly to gain wisdom or to honor the wise). From these early rites stem the practices of food canning and taxidermy. While the exact connection is not know, most scholars consider all areas of food preservation to be a direct consequence of self-pleasuring. Thus, much like the wisdom of the ancient masturbators of myth, much of modern society and its reliance on the ability to preserve and transport food is birthed from the rich and frothy domain of masturbation. Taxidermy, the traditional companion to preserving food, is likely to have originated from a need to keep using masturbatory aid animals after they had expired. Despite various differences, all cultures which observe Sunday in one form or another have modern or historical rituals of masturbating, food canning, and taxidermy.
Calendar position[edit | edit source]
Since the earliest times, cultures have clashed over the proper position of Sunday on the week and month calendars. For Christians, the Sunday rituals of prayer, silent and contemplative masturbation, and repentive food canning have always taken place every seven days. For the Jews, the Shabbat (literally, salting the food) falls on every eighth day and though it is often mistaken to be Saturday, it is, in fact, Sunday. For Muslims, the day of assembly and group taxidermy is Sunday, but occurs on Friday. The Chinese Sunday falls between Tuesday and Wednesday and is a day of loud and public masturbation, often accompanied with the drinking of maotai, a traditional liquor made from fermented sorghum and peas.
Hebrew calendar[edit | edit source]
The Hebrew Calendar, first used in 63 BCE, has evolved over time but has always had eight days. These days have no fixed length but are agreed upon after they have ended. Since there is no way to know if a day has ended, the agreement cannot technically take place. It is for this reason that the Hebrew Calendar is, strictly speaking, still on its first day. However, in practice, most days more or less follow the rising and setting of the sun. The eight days of the week in the Hebrew Calendar include Yom Rishonon (Saturday), Yom Yom Yom (Wednesday, the most delicious day), Yom Chamishi (The Other Saturday), and Yom Shabbat (Sunday).
The days of the week are modeled after the eight days mentioned in the Jewish Creation story. From Genesis 1:5 "... and there was morning and there was mid-morning. And then there was noon when the sun was highest in the day. And then there was early afternoon when it was clear that God was good and wise. And then it was late afternoon when the sun was starting to go down. And then it was early evening when the mealtime had begun and the workday fast ended. And then it was late afternoon when the sun was nearly fallen and the idea of God seemed questionable. And then it was night and all was lost in sorrow and despair. And then it was another day. And then it was morning and God was good again."
The Hebrew Calendar makes special allowances for non-ritual masturbation, but only on odd-numbered days. Unfortunately, since it is not strictly known which days are odd-numbered and which are even, non-ritual masturbation is essentially forbidden and thus the firm stroking of penises and the rapid rubbing of clitorises cannot begin until after daybreak on Sunday and must end after the last food has been salted for the evening after sunset.
Before adopting the current Sunday system, the Jews used Biblical signs to determine which day would be devoted to masturbation and food preservation. The sighting of a mallard or snake was considered an omen of good fortune and God's grace. From Kings 18:13 "Now in the fourteenth year of king Hezekiah did Sennacherib king of Assyria come to the waters at the edge of the city of Judah. And he spotted a mallard and a snake. He said: 'This is a sign that the LORD wills me to take pleasure in my own flesh.' And he had his men undress him and then cure his meats while he watched and produced his seed upon the ground."
Gregorian calendar[edit | edit source]
The Gregorian Calendar is also known as the Western Calendar, the Christian Calendar, and the International Calendar of Excellence. Introduced by Pope Malcolm XI, after whom the calendar was not named, the Gregorian Calendar was established by decree to have "seven days and seven nights, three of which shall be Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, the venal days. One day shall be the day of blindness, Thursday. Two days of thirst shall be Friday and Saturday. And then there shall be another day, Sunday, which will be reserved for the reverent but pleasurable business of self-abuse and the repentant and sinless act of preserving our Lord's bounty." Thus was created the modern seven-day week and the special purpose of Sunday for godly masturbation and preserving food. In modern times, Christians practice these acts by masturbating in silence (either in a congregation or alone) and canning food. The canning is often festive and has many Canning Songs such as:
- Baby It Don't Go Bad (Armstrong, 1940)
- Canning Around the Fire (Crosby, 1942)
- Pickled Horse Meat (Presley, 1954)
- Let's Boil the Cabbage Tonight (Presley, 1954)
- Sorted and Labeled for You (Paul, Stewart, and Stachan, 1976)
- We'll Eat This Later (Blake, 1982)
Because the Gregorian Calendar makes adjustments to the mean length of a year, there are actually 47 Sundays in a year despite there being 52 weeks. The removal of five Sundays and the re-addition of five Thursdays (which are shorter) adjusts the year to 365.2425 days. Because of this, December, with only two days of masturbation and canning, was traditionally a somber month. However, the introduction of the Christmas Festival and Santa Claus in 1832 served to brighten December considerably. In 1914, President of the United States Woodrow Wilson made an address to the nation and the world in which he admitted to observing the religious masturbation and canning of food (and also taxidermy, as he was a Reformist) on the Mondays of weeks without Sundays. The speech shocked the world, but within a year, it was common practice to do so.
The Gregorian Calendar and its accompanying Sunday practices have been adopted by most nations. Today, it is not uncommon to see people all over the world preserving food, stuffing animals, and pleasuring themselves vigorously on Sunday. Lord Chesterfield, the British statesman and man of letters wrote of the universality:
- It is strange to see the silly joy of the mob as they go about their merry tasks this Sunday. In my mind there is nothing so illiberal, and so ill-bred, as to fornicate with one's own hands in an alley or in a doorway, only partially out of sight. They delight more in the loins than in the preservement of their own consumables, I fear. And yet it is always thus and I cannot imagine a world in which this does not happen. I dare say I shall spread my own legs wide and put a vibration upon my genitals such that I join them in the grunting pleasure of our devotion to our Lord.
Chinese calendar[edit | edit source]
The Chinese Calendar is a lunisolar calendar which uses animal wisdom to calculate its months and days. Until 1103 AD, there was no concept of the week, but all thirty-seven days of the month were given distinct names. Emperor Qing (also known as the "Emperor of the Snakes" because of a penchant for dining with snakes instead of his cabinet of advisers) decreed that the months be split into five weeks (technically, they were divided into snakes as the Chinese word for "week" and "snake" are the same). Since thirty-seven does not divide evenly into five-day increments, a partial week was also created called the wannian lu (headless snake). The days were given the names of animals: Snake, Snake, Snake, Snake, and Snake.
Snake, the Chinese Sunday, was named after one of Emperor Qing's favorite animals, the snake. And it was thus made a day of celebration. First practiced only by the ruling families, the celebrations spread to the whole populace before Emperor Qing's death by constriction in his bed. The celebrations were typified by fireworks, enormous casks of maotai liquor, and shameless public nudity, urination, and masturbation. Festivities would often end at the doorsteps of Buddhist monasteries, Daoist abbeys, and the halls and bridges of cities. Snake, the Chinese Wednesday, was a day of sobering, cleaning, and the repair of buildings, furniture, clothing, and reputations. The tradition lives on today and foreign dignitaries are often shocked to find that they are expected to join in the activities while visiting. In a 1991 interview, former president Jimmy Carter recalled a meeting he had had with Chinese Party Leader Chang:
- I was across from Chang at this huge conference table. Matt [Clopper] was recording the minutes of the meeting. Everything was going very smoothly and I thought we were making some progress on the death penalty debate when Mr. Chang suddenly stood up and pulled out his ... well, I guess you'd call it his pecker. And he just held it there in front of me. He was perspiring profusely and he leaned over the table and grabbed some of the snacks they had put out for us. Then he just stood there, looking me straight in the eye and began to slowly rub his pecker up and down. Real slowly like he had all the time in the world. He didn't say a word and he never ate those snacks, just had them clenched in his fist the whole time.
The Chinese Calendar was brought into alignment with the Gregorian Calendar in 1963 by shifting the Month of the Dung Beetle by four days to match September. Since then, Chinese citizens have followed a seven day week which has three Fridays.
ISO 17463[edit | edit source]
The first, and most magnificent edition of the ISO 17463 Categorization of Paint and Varnish Corrosion Protection and Standardized Enumeration of Days of the Week standard was published in 1988. Besides being the first ISO standard written completely in rhyming poetry, it unified and replaced a number of older ISO standards such as ISO 2014 Boat Varnish, ISO 2045 Calendar Date Formats, ISO 9981 Paint Colors for Children's Bedrooms, and ISO 1267 Standardized Weekday Encoding. Horologists and timekeeping expert Professor Scrotus of Oxford University described it as "one of the most moving and beautiful reading experiences I've ever had". ISO 17463 prescribes a four-digit year, two-digit month, either two digits for the day of the month or a three-letter abbreviation for the day of the week followed by a single digit to specify which occurrence of that day in the current month, and then a six-character hexadecimal encoding of the color and an optional digit for the sheen (gloss, semi-gloss, eggshell, matte, ad nauseam). For example, this would be the representation of the second semi-gloss blue Tuesday of September, 1987:
The ISO 17463 standard puts Sunday as the last day of the week. The Islamic faith requires that Sunday be the first day of the week and many Muslims refuse to use software which encodes dates using the ISO 17463 standard.
Sunday observance[edit | edit source]
Sunday has been observed as a day of special religious or cultural significance since at least 675 BCE. Prior to that, it is unlikely that people were intelligent enough to notice that the darkness separating the light could be used to demarcate one day from the next. Nearly every culture includes masturbation, canning or other preservation of food, and taxidermy in its celebration of Sunday, but there are many additional things that people around the world do to give Sundays a special significance. These include giving charitable donations, attending church, taking out the trash, driving slowly, listening to only acoustic renditions of rock songs, and trying new cereals.
Masturbational reverence[edit | edit source]
The traditional Sunday masturbation ritual varies from culture to culture. In India, young males are taught how to masturbate by their mothers on the first Sunday of their thirteenth year. Chinese women masturbate with a special "Sunday Rod" which, as legend has it, is the same length and width of Chairman Mao's infamous penis. Russian men and women masturbate publicly and often perform frottage on each other. The elderly are wheeled out into the sun in Thailand where young male and female nurses aid them in masturbating themselves at noontime. Catholics masturbate quietly in the pews while nervously fingering their rosaries and trying not to make eye contact with anyone else. Scientologists have special machines which help them masturbate, but many argue that this is not masturbation at all, but simply human–machine intercourse. In Idaho, men are taught to masturbate into a split potato each Sunday and then plant it to bring about a bountiful harvest the following year. Swedes of all creeds masturbate while thinking about geese (though this is true all the time, not just on Sundays). Buddhist monks practice masturbating anally until they are able to achieve orgasm and super-monks can have one while defecating. On Japanese Sunday, Japanese men and women masturbate on the floor and scream Japanese obscenities while live Japanese squid spray ink on their nude bodies. In The United States it is customary for women to wear special open-crotch "Sunday Pants", a tradition which has made its way to Mexico, Canada, Mongolia, and the Moon. In Antarctica it is always Sunday because of the curvature of the Earth and researchers masturbate almost continuously for both celebration and warmth.
Other Sunday spankings may merely be coincidence, or they may not. George Lucas famously masturbated while lighting the master print of The Empire Strikes Back on fire on July 16, 2006, a Sunday. A 1991 study found that chimpanzees and dolphins are three times more likely to masturbate on Sundays than on any other day.  Most pizza is made while masturbating and most pizza is eaten on Sunday.
Masturbational wisdom is often collected and simplified in writing so that it may be understood on the other days of the week when people are less intelligent. The Higher Thinking and Lower Touching Codex, the longest-kept journal of the collected wisdom of Sunday masturbators contains articles penned (with one hand) by such famous thinkers as Napoleon, Benjamin Franklin, and Norman Mailer. Here is a selection from an article by Mohandas Gandhi from Volume MCXIII:
- In thinking about the exploitation of workers and foreign markets in increasing industrialization, I have concluded that the captains of these industries must test themselves against the temptations of their craft as I have tempted myself against the vices of food and sex with underage girls. In my [Indian] Sunday ritual, I have taken no food and have not rubbed myself against the thin legs of my grandniece, though I wish to partake in both. As a matter of fact, I have taken my asceticism further today and am willing myself to masturbate to nothing but the mental images of geese as the Swedes do. I have found it to be an extremely difficult but pleasurable assignment. It is just within my powers to imagine their lithe necks and soft, downy feathers, and broad luscious wings with which they take me in a comforting embrace and whisk me away to the goose world in the clouds to prod gently at my genitals with their beaks until I shower their bodies with my ancient, musty semen. Indeed, were the titans of the Western industries so careful to abstain from that which comes easily to them, that is, the exploitation of labor and so forth, then they would also find themselves able to take passion in new and novel experiences. Truly would our world then be enriched.
Though there is no way to conclusively prove that they were written on Sundays, other ancient writings are thought to be of this model. For example, the Egyptian Book of the Pleasures of the Pharaoh is a collection of hieroglyphic tablets which were discovered in the tomb of Tukuntikammet. Translated, the collection is believed to be the pictorial form of the young Pharaoh's utterances while beating himself to an all-eclipsing orgasm. They are difficult to understand, but clearly feature the extremely hot topless goddess Isis and many servants with shepherd's crooks. The Egyptians were known to abstain from masturbation for long (even dangerous) periods of time in what is likely to be a "saving period" between Egyptian Sundays. It appears that they would then hold contests for volume and distance for both male and female ejaculation.
Food preservation[edit | edit source]
Traditional Sunday food preservation has been practiced for nearly as long as there has been food. Canning is dominant, but brining, pickling, smoking, and refrigeration are all very popular on Sundays. In certain backward cultures, canned food is eaten on Sundays, but this a sign of their complete inability to do anything right and is why they will never get ahead in the world and should just all get AIDS and die.
This excerpt from the popular children's poem Let Not The Merry Meat Spoil by Sir Walter Scum describes the daily ritual as it existed throughout most of Europe in the late 1700s:
- Lo we sleep now my love
- And put away our treats
- We must not forget, dove
- To preserve our grains and meats
- For if our food does smell
- And we do not tend our eggs
- We shall be taken to Hell
- And be put 'twixt Satan's legs
- So wash the beets
- Boil the lamb
- Seal with heat
- And hang the ham
Traditional burial of the remains of the Sunday meal to preserve it for consumption later in the week is a nearly universal cultural trait. Because burying food keeps it safe from light, oxygen, and heat, it is often an effective preservation technique. Many families have a burial plot for the Sunday meal near the home. Prior to the urban growth boom in the 1920s, these plots were typically part of the family burial ground, hence the expression, "the prudent man shares his food with his ancestors." Today, the Sunday burial area is often set aside in a corner of the home's back yard or, in the case of an urban apartment, a common garden area. A small headstone with the traditional crossed fork and spoon indicates the resting place of the meal.
American humorist Garrison Keillor remembers digging up the Sunday meal with his family in rural Minnesota: "... [we] would always bury it over by Grandpa Keillor, a man who did not much enjoy eating his meals while in life, and whom I doubt much took to them in death. We never had a proper marker or stone to guide us to the meal later in the week, but it was usually pretty easy to find the freshly dug earth. One summer, we exhumed the food and found the mealbox broken and that some of Mom's delicious roast turkey had escaped. We did the best we could to dig up the rest of it from the dirt and wash it off. When we reheated it, it was so tough you could barely chew it. But we soldiered on. It wasn't until the next Sunday when we were burying a pot roast that we realized we had dug into Grandpa Keillor's plot and had been eating a portion of his thigh."
Taxidermy[edit | edit source]
The term Sunday dog (origins unknown) is used to describe animals which have been stuffed either on a Sunday or for specific use on a Sunday. When these taxidermied animals are used as masturbational aids, they are colloquially known as "wacking pets".
- Barn owl – the most common Sunday dog by a wide margin. 65% of all Sunday dogs are barn owls. 75% of Germans have taxidermied at least one barn owl. The Barn Owl Sunday Dog Society (BOSDS) has one of the world's largest memberships. The barn owl is extremely portable and its possession has been shown to increase the owner's wisdom by up to 6.5% in a laboratory setting.
- Cat – a traditional Sunday dog. Softer and more compact than a dog, the cat is the ideal domestic wacking pet for a long, hot Sunday afternoon masturbating on the front porch with an ice-cold glass of lemonade and a box of bottle rockets to fire at the neighborhood kids.
- Dog – second only to cats as a masturbational aid. The chief advantage of a dog is simply that it will actively help the owner achieve a stuttering, toe-curling orgasm while still alive.
- Llama – this Sunday dog is an ideal base for custom furniture. A burgeoning industry based on the traditional construction of tables and chairs as a Sunday craft is a chief motivator of the Peruvian economy.
- Elk – the lady's companion. Preserved elk specimens have been found laying next to queens, princesses, and female clan leaders in burial sites around the world. The elk is the perfect size and shape for bedding a woman, but the elk is not a traditional wacking pet per se. The elk is here to provide companionship.
- Penguin – a Sunday dog for the genteel city dweller. It is likely that the penguin has always matched the attire of the well-dressed upper crust. Certainly, the penguin is an ideal match for the tuxedo-clad Sunday churchgoer.
- Goat – suitable for framing. The goat is a majestic animal. Just look at that silky fur and lustrous sheen. Imagine running your hands over its back. Feel the powerful haunches while you stare into its bottomless, soulful, weird-ass slit eyes. It would look good over your bed, wouldn't it? Or maybe you should hang it over your bathtub so you can look at its sleek undercarriage while you bathe. That would be nice.
- Walrus – an abomination.
While modern methods such as freeze drying may significantly speed up the taxidermical arts in a commercial setting, the practice of Sunday taxidermy is still firmly rooted in the old methods. The animal is first skinned with whatever is handy. Most families own one or two skinning knives for the more delicate areas, but more impoverished people or those who just don't give a shit about the quality of their work will simply use a kitchen knife, silver-handled monogrammed letter opener, or their own teeth. Internal organs and blood are collected in a bowl for Sunday soup stock, thrown onto an unfriendly neighbor's roof, or left in the passenger seat of a friend's car as a harmless prank. Preserving chemicals are applied to the skin unless the eventual smell is not a concern. The skin is then mounted over a mold made of wood, wire, and wool. Glass eyes are installed in nicer specimens. Master craftsman and religious leader Bob Villa explains, "[If you] are going to be making love to the animal, you will certainly want some good eyes. The plastic ones you can get at convenience stores will creep you out when you see them staring up at you in bed. Glass is the only way to go, preferably hand-made at a church, but there are plenty of very good manufacturers in America which an supply you."
The practice of rogue taxidermy (the creation of stuffed animals which do not have real, live counterparts) and anthropomorphic taxidermy is strictly forbidden on Sundays by most of the world's major religions.
Sunday, Sunday, Sunday[edit | edit source]
This Sunday only. A car sale spectacular like no other in history. Acres of cars. You pay only the sticker price on the window. Used cars and trucks for less than Blue Book value. Hot dogs. Canning for the kids. Masturbation booths. Free tacos. Pig hunting. Male strippers. Monster trucks. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. You don't want to miss this milestone event in the history of motorsports. Watch as Captain Destruction launches his sixty-foot dinosaur robot into the stands to kill spectators, cook them, and eat them. Be there this Sunday at the Kentucky Cocaine International Derby Fairgrounds. Kids get in for just two pieces of silver. See the amazing pirate spaceship land on a thousand-foot column of radioactive flame. The destruction of the Earth. Cotton candy. An enormous Ferris wheel. The smallest horse. Body painting contest. Dog fighting. Live sex. Drag racing and tractor pulls. Motocross. It's this Sunday only. Don't miss it or you'll beg us to kill you later. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday.
Canonical Sunday, Sunday, Sunday[edit | edit source]
Though rarely used in modern times the Julian calendar is still maintained by the Roman Society of His Glorious Face Julius Ceasar and has been used for centuries to determine government holidays, the placement of Easter, and the names of the months after they are forgotten each year. Due to a leap year error in the Julian calendar in which leap years occur every 1, 2, and 3 years, a corrective addition of Sundays is required every 21 years. The leap day is typically in Februarius (analogous to modern February) and shortens the month to 23 or 24 days. Every 21 years, a Sunday is added to Februarius to correct the excessive shortening of the month. On multiples of 21 years up to three (42 years and 63 years), two or three Sundays are added. These are known as Sunday, Sunday, and Sunday, Sunday, Sunday respectively. For example, in AD 45, Februarius had 23 days (and in AD 44 it had 24 and AD 45, 23) then in AD 66, the 16th of Februarius was Sunday followed by Sunday, Sunday on the 17th, then in AD 87, Februarius the 24th was Sunday, the 25th was Sunday, Sunday, and the 26th was Sunday, Sunday, Sunday and on that day, chariots were crushed under much larger "monster chariots" in the Colosseum (then known as the Flavian Amphitheatre).
Blue laws[edit | edit source]
Blue laws are designed to prevent un-Sundaylike behavior on Sundays. Typically found in The United States, Canada, and Uruguay, these laws are extremely popular, particularly with younger populations. Blue laws have been used to prohibit a variety of activities including commerce, yard work, enforcement of the law, taxidermy , gambling, and fisting.
Traditionally racist in origin, blue laws have slowly changed over time to become positive and promote better moral character, family cohesion, posture, and dental health. A Mississippi law originally intended to keep colored people and Jews from conducting business on Sunday is now one of the central pillars of community spirit and goodwill: public masturbation is explicitly allowed and taxidermy supply shops must lower their prices by 16.5%. Also, the law expressly bans the use of swear words, kissing for more than five minutes, viewing the films of Stanley Kubrick, sorting mail, painting door trim, exposing children to the color chartreuse, and "making sweet love to llamas and all other forms of motherfuckery" on Sundays. In 1994, California passed a similar law in which all citizens are required to lock themselves into their homes until 12:00 noon and make no sound above 12dB. 
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ^ Yes, this is the famous Schweinhurtz Goldswine Swineson experiment performed at the Phoenix Center for Animal Behavioral Studies.
- ^ I know, what the fuck, right?
- ^ While this is, indeed one of the funniest things a human being has ever written, have you fucking seen real blue laws?