UnScripts:An interview with an Egyptian taxi driver
Setting
It's another sunny day in Cairo, an idle taxi driver standing by his car is approached by a good looking American female reporter..
The Interview
Reporter: Hi
Egyptian: wa aleikom es-salam ya otta![1]
Reporter: Do you speak English?
Egyptian: Berfect!
Reporter: Do you mind if I interview you?
Egyptian: Interfiew?! (narrows eyes in distrust) you mukhabarat? I didn't do anysing! I am good Egybtian! I did not show za photo of za brezident wearing dress!
Reporter: ... Sir, I'm a reporter for--
Egpytian: Oh, you no mukhabarat? Nevar mind. Forget I say anysing about za brezident in dress. He is very man.
Reporter: (looking baffled) Name?
Egyptian: Hamboozoo Lawi Boozoo.
Reporter: Sex?
Egyptian: Yes blease. You want to do in taxi? It's very nice. Nearly has air-condition and za chairs are camel lezar.
Reporter: (sweating profusely) Oh no! I mean male or female. And what on earth is "nearly has air condition"?
Egyptian: I have brobelor.
Reporter: brobelor?
Egyptian: Yas, yas, brobelor, you know. It brobels and makes air. Like airoblanes. Zey have brobelor to fly.
Reporter: Oh, you mean ventilator!
Egyptian: Zis is what I said! Brobelor! What? You can't speak English?
Reporter: Understood, so this is your near air-condition?
Egyptian: Yes, but za brobelor is breaked. Sorry.
Reporter: Ahem. So, how do you find life here in Egypt?
Egyptian: Egybt.. Very nice cantry, nice food, nice wezar.. Byramids.
Reporter: Well, other than the nice weather and such, what else do you like about Egypt?
Egyptian: Byramids, nice wezar, nice food, nice cantry.
Reporter: Ok, let's move on.. What do you do?
Egyptian: Very well, sank you.
Reporter: No, I mean do you have a job?
Egyptian: (Looking around and whispering) Jobbat meen ya madame? No I don't have any jobbat.. Lessa mastabahnash.. Do you have job wiz you? We can esmoke it in my car. Don't worry about bolice. [2]
Reporter: (yelling) Oh my God! I mean, DO YOU WORK?
Egyptian: (also yelling) WHY DO YOU SHOUT! I HAVE BAD EARS! I HAD A BIG EXBLOSION NEXT TO ME AT ZA WAR WIZ ISRAIL!
Reporter: (seems ashamed) Oh, sorry, I didn't know. Which war was that?
Egyptian: (still shouting) ALL OF ZEM! ZA ISRALILIS BOMB BOMB BOMB! WE GOT GUNS ZAT DO RATATATATA AND ZEIR TANKS DO BOOM! BOOM! AND OUR AIROBLANES DO RATATATA!. IT IS GOOD WE GOT STRONG BREZIDENT! HE IS DEFENDING EGYBT! HE DOES NOT WEAR WOMAN DRESS!
Reporter: (shifts weight uncomfortably) So, DO you have another job?
Egyptian: No, taxi drivar is enough job.
Reporter: Hmm.. And what do you think about the traffic problem in Egypt?
Egyptian: Very big broblem.. You see? Very much cars.. But za guvurment is tryin to make it bettar, zey did za circle street, za mehwar street, and zey make all streets one way, so if you go.. You cant come back. Nihahahaha. [3]
Reporter: What about the economic problems in Egypt?
Egyptian: I don't undurstand what you say.
Reporter: I mean.. How do you deal with economic problems in Egypt?
Egyptian: What is economic? Is zis food? A new smoke? You want to see the byramids? I show you good time. You sure you don't want to see my brobelor?
Reporter: I mean - do you have any money problems in Egypt?
Egyptian: No no, Egybt is very rich cantry, we have lot of cotton, we have lot of water, we have byramids!
Reporter: So, do you make a lot of money?
Egyptian: Me?! No, it is not right to make money.. One frend I know make money at home.. And he go to brizon.. If you make money at home, you can only give it to za banzeema.. Zey take any money.[4]
Reporter: Let me rephrase.. Since Egypt is a rich country, do you have a lot of money?
Egyptian: Me? Not a lot, but I eat and drink alhamdolellah. [5]
Reporter: Then where does all the money go?
Egyptian: Guvurment.
Reporter: And what does the government do with all the money?
Egyptian: Zey build circle street, mehwar street and make all streets one way.
Reporter: Oh, well... Do you vote?
Egyptian: What duz zat mean?
Reporter: Do you choose your president?
Egyptian: (puzzled) I thought brezidents just be brezident and stay.
Reporter: Oh no no. I mean, Egypt is a democracy isn't it? You need to vote for the elected president?
Egyptian: (gulps) I didn't give my voice.. But if i waz.. I will give him my voice.
Reporter: Why him?
Egyptian: Because he waz flying airoblane in za war.. He waz za leadar airoblane.
Reporter: But there are no wars right now.
Egyptian: (shouting) ZER ARE ALWAYS WARS WIZ ISRAIL! ZEY HAVE TANKS ZAT DO BOOM BOOM! WE HAVE AIROBLANES ZAT DO RATATATATA! AND WE HAVE BREZIDENT MUBARAK TO FLY LEADER AIROBLANE. GOOD AIROBLANE!
Reporter: (coughs) OK then, so what about the last 28 years?
Egyptian: I got marry.. And I have Ahmad and Samira.. And I drive taxi.
Reporter: No, I mean, what did Mubarak do in the last 28 years?
Egyptian: He makes za circle street, za mehwar street, he make all streets one way. He also makes za byramids. Well, maybe not za byramids. Maybe he just helbed wiz sphinx.
Reporter: (sighs) I should have guessed. Well, thank you very much for your time, Mr. Hamboozoo.
Egyptian: No broblem, for you only 10 American dollar.
Reporter: I never said I'll pay you for this.
Egyptian: (outraged) WHAT? AND MY CHILDREN?! What will I say to Ahmad and Samira? When little Ahmad cry and tell me - Ya baba, I'm ga'an, get food shall I tell him Eskot yabn elcalb! Za American woman didn't give me money, we don't have food. (wails and hits himself on the head)
Reporter: Mister Hamboozoo! (wails and mumbles in Arabic can be heard in the background) Mister Hamboozoo! (sounds of thumps becomes wilder and wilder) MISTER HAMBOOZOO! PLEASE! HERE! TAKE THIS! (reporter throws a hundred dollar bill at the driver and flees the scene)
Egyptian: (wails stop abruptly) Thank you sister American! You come back yes? I show you good time! Next time I fix my brobelor for you!
Notes (for you non-Egyptian buggers)
- ↑ wa aleikom es salam is the reply to a greeting. Otta literally means cat, metaphorically means hottie
- ↑ jobaat meen means Jobs who? lessa mastabahnash roughly means it's still early morning. By job he means hashish
- ↑ circle street a literal translation of the Arabic word for the highway that encircles Cairo. mehwar means axis; a network of bridges in the middle of Cairo
- ↑ gas station
- ↑ thank God
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