Coptic language

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“This may well be the sexiest tongue ever.”

~ Oscar Wilde on the Coptic language


~ A noob on the Coptic language

The Coptic or Coppic language (□□□□□□□□□□□□□ Met.Wilšēfukmē) is a language spoken by Egyptian Christian cops, also called copts. It is widely known for its perceivedly awkward writing system, consisting entirely of white squares, and its incredibly restricted vocabulary, caused due to thousands of years of use exclusively by promiscuous police officers.


The exact origin of Coptic is uncertain, although Scientologists have conjected that the language was initiated during a meeting between Robocop and Black Jesus during the 3rd century BC. They agreed that a simpler, easier and more focussed language would be beneficial to the Egyptian police force, like an ancestor of the more rarely spoken language Esperanto. And so, work began on a method of communication between copts that would make their jobs easier and would illicit humourous expressions from baffled citizens.

As an epidemic of sexytime gripped Egypt during the 2nd century BC, the Coptic lexicon developed an increasing amount of risqué vocabulary, for example, in the sentence □□□□□□□□□ □□□□□□□□ ('Put your hands on the hood of my ass'). Unfortunately, during this time, many copts often found themselves on the receiving end of sexual gestures from fellow officers.

Modern scholars of Coptic are known as Copticians, Coptometrists, or Copthamologists.


Coptic consists of five (yes, that's five, motherfucker) sounds, /a/, /u/, /k/, /q/ and /x/, producing something similar to a tripping washing machine. In the language's early stages, it was believed to also possess the sound /sɛkspliːzlɔl/, although this is highly unlikely. Along with these sounds which are officially recognised to form part of the language, a series of growls or wolf whistles may be uttered during sexual displays, taking the form of interjections such as 'LOL' and 'WTF'.


Did you know...
...that Noam Chomsky can speak Coptic well enough to avoid an Egyptian parking ticket?

The Coptic language is believed to be the only language in existence to use a writing system entirely made up of a single glyph, in this case a white square (□). According to the Scientologist theory, this was an accidental misrepresentation of the Coptic alphabet due to shitty electronic devices; however, linguist Gnome Chomsky was the first to disprove the theory with the argument that the copts went through a long period of mental retardation, the same type which afflicts the majority of the world population today.

The original alphabet is still a subject of mystery among Scientologists. All that has been discovered is tabulated below.

majuscule minuscule name sound (IPA) approx. English sound
□□□□ a Ahhh...
□□ u Oooh...
□□□□□ k c in cock
□□□□ q c in cock
□□□ x c in cock
□□□□□□□□□□□□ sɛkspliːzlɔl asl?

See also[edit]