Abu Hamza al-Masri
Gustav Camel Abu Nasser Arafat[For once this is actually true] (Arabic: مصطفى كامل مصطفى), also known as Abu Hamza al-Masri (أبو حمزة المصري, Abū Ḥamzah al-Maṣrī), or simply Abu "MC" Hamza (born 15 April 1958), is a Muslim fundamentalist preacher and hip hop artiste from Finsbury Park, North London. Creator of the 'Jihad Crunk' style of hip hop and singer of such hits as In Da Mosque, Hamza is currently serving a seven year prison sentence for dropping bombs of hip-hop truth.
Childhood[edit | edit source]
Born in 1958 700AD, Abu Hamza is the founder of the controversial Jihad Crunk political rap music movement. At the age of 6, Abu Hamza was a precocious young boy with a talent for the clarinet. His typing skills were nonpareil, and he showed an interest in semaphore. At age 9 he won the International Twister Championship, a feat he repeated for the next four years, but tragedy struck as one day he decided it would be a good idea to insert his hand into the 8-track player of his father's car.
His previous endeavours now impossible for him to pursue, Hamza sunk into a deep depression in which he spent years lying in bed staring into darkness — perhaps because he was unable to turn the light on with his clapper. It was during a shoe-shopping session, when frustrated at being unable to find good velcro shoes instead of the ubiquitous lace-up variety, that he snapped and became the Hamza we all know and love today.
Safety campaigning[edit | edit source]
Having mangled his right hand in an 8-track cassette player while listening to Genesis' Turn it On Again on the M25, Hamza became a leading figure in campaigns for safer electrical equipment. This is why the gap in car CD players is too small to fit your fingers in. Hamza subsequently appeared with Phil Collins on an electronics safety video distributed in Ugandan schools.
After his accident, Hamza chose his replacement prosthetic in honour of the rock group Dr Hook, which his friend Osama was lead singer of.
Hidden Link[edit | edit source]
During Abu Hamza's university days it was miraculously discovered during a game of squash that he was the missing link between pirates and Muslims. His long time friend and campus room mate Jeffrey Archer made the discovery after scoring fifteen-love, a charge Hamza strongly denies. Darwinists from around the world came in droves in order to study the poor Abu, who ended up suffering from many experimental anal probes; charges Hamza strongly denies.
The experience left Hamza in a distressing position as scientists used him to revive pirates, a species that had been extinct for at least 3 months. This trauma is still apparent today in his role of Captain Hook as celebrating Talk like a pirate day is a capital offence. Despite this, the fruits of this research led to the revitalisation of piracy and the creation of a furry friend we know as Abu Hamster.
He is also the greatest fisherman in the world and still to this day is the only man in the Guinness book of world records to stop stop Afghanis dying during the great whale hunt!!
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- Abu Hamza is the founder of the British Islamist extreme Hip Hop Movement.
- His beard is, in fact, a specially made 'beard wig' purchased from Pak's Wig Shop on Stroud Green Road in Finsbury Park.
- Before his imprisonment, MC Hamzoid was to be found monthly doing Gigs at the infamous Finnbury Park mosque night club.
- The Crunk Empire does not endorse Hamza at all.
- Charles Darwin, in his Descent of Man, cites Hamza as possibly the world's last pure neanderthal.
MC Hamza was the creator of many modern classics including:
- Stop ! Hamza Time (You can’t Hook This)
- Mosque Commander
- 9/11 It Wasn't Me
- Niqabs Wid Attitude (NWA)
- Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
- Sledgehamza - featuring Peter Gabriel
- In Da Mosque
- You Hooked Me All Night Long
- Hook The West
- Bang-bang George Bush shot me down
The Captain Hook Days[edit | edit source]
On February 2 2006 Hamza became the successor to Captain Hook, taking on his former title.
As the new leader of Pirateland he's brought into effect the following laws -
- All men are required to grow beards.
- Children under the age of 10 must be regularly trained in the art of Jihad
- National 'Talk like a pirate day' is now scrapped.
- All Danish products must be boycotted.
- Weekly couloring book time be attended weekly.
- Weekly Jihad competitions to be held every tuesday
Quotes about Abu Hamza[edit | edit source]
“I'd ask you to pick up the soap, but you don't have any hands”
“Your Fatter then a pancake on pizza”
“You can't spell Fundamentalist without Fun and you can't spell Hamza without Ham”
“Schizzle my dizzle. Rufio, Rufio, Rufio”
See also[edit | edit source]
| The Conclave of Doom: Benedict XVI - Fred Phelps - Ed Gein - Enron - Evil Jesus - The United States of Arabia - Iran - |
Space Committee: Darth Vader - Gul Dukat - L. Ron Hubbard - Emperor Palpatine - Killer Robot Janitor |
| Music/Theatre Committee: Abu Hamza - Hannah Montana - Ke$ha - The Jonas Brothers - Disney - BBC - Viacom | Politics Committee: Adolf Hitler - Bill O'Reilly - Chairman Mao - Hillary Clinton - Dick Cheney - Glenn Beck - Kim Jong-Ill - "Ileana" Ross Lehtinen - Osama bin Laden - Robert Mugabe - Richard Nixon - Vladimir Putin - Donald Putinobitch Dump |
| Sports Committee: Michael Vick - Mike Tyson - O. J. Simpson - Tom Brady | See also: Axis of Evil Hot Dog Eating Competition - Baby Seals |