Snoop Dog

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Snoop's certificate of excellence

“Best pimp we ever had.”

~ various bitches

“<silence and random yelps>”

“... pop 'at muthafuckafulla led any time. 'Cept den he pro'ly wouldna come back wif 'at stick I thowed 'im ...”

~ Calvin Broads Jr.

“His whores gave me herpes and AIDS ... I have to go and kill myself now. Goodbye cruel world.”

“Pimpin’s easy whin you livin’ inna dawghouse – we's AWL bitches up in here!”

~ Calvin Broads Sr. on raising his son

Calvin "Snoop Doggy Dogg" Broads iz Snoopy's urban pimpster half brudda. Snoopy's mudda wuz uh beeotch (in bof terms o' da word) an' so slept around wiff many other dawgs. Snoop's father iz Brian, who later played uh dawg own Fambly Guy, who'z actually black, though albino. This confused identity led Brian ta lash out against blacks, including Snoop, his own son. In fact, at da age o' five, Snoop wuz already persecuted by Casper The Friendly Ghost, uh member o' da Klan. His brudda Snoopy also tended ta scorn Snoop fo' his race, befriendin' lil yella birds wif day bird flu. As Brian wuz a alcoholic, Snoop wuz often beaten wiff nearby puns an' poorly crafted humor, which caused him internal himmerage. At da age o' five Snoop ventured out on his own on Suburbia's streets an' became uh pimp. Ya'll is mad stupid.

Pimpin' career[edit | edit source]

Snoop, shown here sizing up one of his many whores as she prepares to pole dance at his strip club

Snoop Dogg was groomed into a childhood career in Pimpology by his father, Calvin Broads Sr. The late-great Broads wasn't your typical father from the ghetto, as he'd conceived only 23 children by 42 different mothers, plus he was never dependent on the welfare-system, instead using dog treats in place of food stamps for when he wanted to buy his family dinner. Snoop often cites growing up in a stable household of prostitutes and pushers as the seeds of his gangster rap success. At five years old Broads Sr. taught his son all about "the bats and the balls" but never bothered playing catch with him.

Rappin' career[edit | edit source]

Snoop Dog, shown here in his usual attire

Soon after gaining a considerable amount of money from exploiting women, a young Calvin Broads (no pun intended) decided to further his career by becoming Snoop Doggy Dogg, rapping about his everyday life as a pimp and a gangster. Notably, this makes him the only rapper to have actually done the things he rapped about. The rest who claim to be O.G's are really just studio-gangsters, a Compton slang term invented by the late-great AIDS victim Eazy-E. Doggy Dogg made his musical gangster debut on "The Chronic" as ex-studio gangster turned prostitute-gynecologist Dr. Dre's sidekick and more importantly, prostitute medical assistant, a step up from his previous pimping-duties.

Retirement[edit | edit source]

After leaving the hip hop industry, he decided to become a pirate. As soon as he used his retirement funds to purchase a pirate ship and crew, Snoop began to play loud rock music about lesbians, which gave Dr. Dre a heart attack, causing his death on August 8, 1994. Snoop began to sail towards Cuba, to get him some smokes, but his ship was soon shot down by The Red Baron, his brother in disguise as a pilot.

Death[edit | edit source]

Snoop Dizzle high atop the Christmas Trizzle

Pretty obviously, the explosion of the ship killed Snoop. He died in peace ... if dying in peace means asploding into tiny smithereens which were soon eaten by bloodthirsty mermaids.

Some people believe Snoop was in fact not killed by the asplosion, and in fact escaped and was killed in 2001 by one of his bitches had fat asses and Shane Patterson possessed by the spirit of love and fucking his mom. Shane's mom was a hooker for eighty years for some money to keep her retarded son the doctors could agree for these charges.

Snoop is also well known for the ritualistic ceremony of smoking cannabis, or as black people call it "getn down wit da Buddha". In a scientific study done by the University of Arkansas, on May 29, 2001, Snoop Lion Mane Dogg Gucci was found to be addicted to weed. It is said that Snoop smokes upward of 34 pounds of Purple Kush per day. (That's like more'n nine thousand blunts man!) Snoop's train of thought tends to derail halfway through his session so how 'bout them Cowboys?


See also[edit | edit source]

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