- Not to be confused with Avian Flu, try here
Considered the female strain of "Man flu", Bird Flu (also known as Asian Bird Fru) is a virulent form of influenza, and is all set to become THE number one death dealer of 2037, overtaking mosquito bites and Kitten-Microwave-Related Deaths and having a 95% (proved by scientists in 2004) potential of causing the complete extinction of the human race. The virus is believed to have begun in the laboratories of the Avian League, an organisation with links to the War on Terror.
Chicken chow mein[edit | edit source]
Chicken chowmein, a staple of the Chinese, an Asian people whose cuisine is widely appreciated in the western world - more so than the people themselves - is reported to be suffering in sales as a result of media coverage of the bird flu. Since the news often reports the disease spreading in Asia, people are wary about chicken dishes that come from Asia. The chow mein's saving grace is that many people don't know it contains chicken, as they know it by the number which represents it on their takeaway menu. Chicken chow mein's most common number is believed to be 42. Adding to this is the popular belief that the Chinese incorporate the meat of animals inedible by western social norms - in fact during the 1994 outbreak of cat flu, 42 is said to have lost popularity also.
Governmental Warning[edit | edit source]
The Bird Flu should not be joked about, if you find some bird flu on the ground, you should report it to the OMG ITS TEH BIRD FLEW! association at once by calling 1-800-OMG-I-FOUND-A-BIRD-FLU-ON-GROUND- AND-I-THINK-ITS-GOING-TO-MUTATE-AND-KILL-ME-SOON-SO-I-BETTER-CALL-THIS- 1-800-NUMBER-AND-REPORT-WHAT-I-SEE.
More importantly, Governments of various countries are trying to control the number of people dead by Bird Flu. So, if you are dead or almost dead due to Bird Flu, call 1-800-OMG-THE-BIRD-FLU-IS-KILLING-ME (toll free if in Samoa). Your friendly Bird Flu call center will guide you over the phone step-by-step to make sure you are not infected by Bird Flu. They will accept American Express or Visa as a method of payment for the $59.95 per minute hidden charge of the toll free line.
If you see anyone on the ground that has been infected say: ha ah u got owned and call HA-HA-U-GOT-INFECTED-AND-DIED-BUT-I-BETTER-CALL-THIS-NUMBER-BECAUSE-NOT-TELLING-SOMEONE-IS-ILLEGAL-AND-I-MIGHT-GET-ARRESTED-SO-THATS-BAD. then you walk away and let the dead or dying guy rot. If the police find you, you're stuffed.
History[edit | edit source]
This virus was reportedly developed by former indonesian president Soeharto as a revenge for taking him off his presidency. It was then taken over by the Jewish community in Aushwitz during the Holocaust of World War Two and developed as a biochemical weapon to combat the New Millenium Cyanide Christ (MESHUGGAH). They had also developed the vaccine called tamiflu which they created as a way to generate billions of dollars in profit.
Another theory is that chili, bottled water, face-mask, canned fruit and various other companies all got together and made a plot to make up a "Bird Flu", so that the normal dumbass American would stock up on their supplies. As Mr. Burns would say "Eggselent".
Symptoms[edit | edit source]
Be warned. As Bird Flu starts to take over your body you can expect to encounter a variety of symptoms. Including...
- Often no symptoms in the early stages. Unfortunately by the time symptoms do appear it's too late. Too bad so sad.
- Sufferers of bird flu often suffer chills and aches followed by growing of feathers in the private areas (CHECK NOW!).
- After around 2 weeks the sufferer will begin to make chicken noises and will also start to act like a bird by flapping their arms around like wings, eventually gaining the ability of flight.
- Suddenly you think you have the ability to fly, at first this will be awesome but then you will realise you are completely and utterly fucked as you wake up with the world's biggest hangover in the middle of a parachute dive after you literally drank 'till you died.
- The final stage of infection, at this point who cares you're plumbeting to the ground YOU SIR, JUST GOT BITCH SLAPPED BY GOD.
You can make a self diagnosis by throwing yourself off a cliff. If you fly, you have bird flu and will most likely die. If you don't fly, you are safe for the rest of your life (which depending on the height of the cliff could be anywhere between 2 and 20 seconds.)
Bird Flu should be given the same level of importance as the deadly killer virus that swept the world a few years ago and nearly obliterated the Human and Elephant Rodent Population. It has been clinically proven by Chinese peasants that it is at least as potentially lethal to the planet's human inhabitants as SARS was.
Contamination[edit | edit source]
Bird Flu can be caught through a number of methods:
- Toilet Seats
- Sharing teethbrish with Poultry
- Lickin' Chicken
- Sexual intercourse with Condors
- Thinking about the bird flu
- Kissing a duck
- being ass raped by Col. Sanders
- Going to well known ballet productions with bird names in the title
- If you have Man Flu but go to work anyway
- Finger lickin' after eatin' the chicken' with the flu
- Eating anything at McDonalds
- Having sexual fantasies about Big Bird
- A pigeon excreting faeces or urine on your head
- Defeating Darth Vader
- Consuming iceland chicken drumsticks
- Stepping on cracks
Spread[edit | edit source]
Currently the virus has been restricted to Belgium and the whole of Asia. It is believed that the 87% of birds that can fly are less of a threat due to President Reagan's Star Trek program, where trained sharks with lasers on their heads are ready to shoot all airbound attacks.
The greater threat comes from those birds (or Avians as they prefer to be called) who prefer to remain ground-based. These include the Emu, Ostrich, Soeharto, Soekarno, and Penguins and it is believed that they intend to infiltrate country's defenses by walking under the radar.
Governments across the world are stressing that the virus can not be contracted from cooked poultry as cooking destroys the virus. What they fail to point out is that in order to cook the chicken/turkey/fowl, some poor slaughterperson had to die, followed by the poor chef who handled the raw carcass who probably then passed it on to the waiter who just sneezed over your plate. There is some good news however. Ladbrokes are offering favourable odds on both celebrity British chefs Jamie Oliver and Gordon Rams-ass contracting the virus.
People with Bird Flu[edit | edit source]
- George Bush
- Keanu Reeves
- Toni Braxton
- Big Bird
- Gary Brolsma
- Jimmy Carter
- Your Mom
- Kerry Katona (Caught by eating Iceland chicken drumsticks)
The cure to Bird Flu[edit | edit source]
Hmm, just a little longer and then we'll find a cure, but for now, here's a few tips:
- Remember; never blow your nose or sneeze.
- Stick to eating meat (obesity takes longer to kill you than bird flu although you may get CJD if you even look at Canadian Beef).
- If you think you have bird flu, don't admit it.
- If you already admitted that you have bird flu, apologise and pretend you really have bubonic plague (there's treatment for plague).
- For details on fighting the bird flu, read To Kill a Mocking Bird.
- Remember that the five and a half rules for surviving Communism applies:
- Don't think about anything
- If you DO think, Don't Speak about anything
- If you DO think and speak, Don't write about anything
- If you DO think, speak and write, Don't acknowledge anything
- If you DO think, speak, write, and acknowldge it... don't be surprised...if your family is shot on sight
- If you DO think, speak, write, acknowledge it and are surprised when your family is shot on sight, you should have paid more attention to the above line
Prevention[edit | edit source]
Like all illnesses out there, prevention is easier than catching the virus and dying from it. The Government have recently drawn up guidelines on the most effective methods to safeguarding yourself from infection.
- Run around and scream "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE FROM BIRDFLU!" whilst waving your arms about.
- Wear a T-Shirt that says "HAH, You're not going to infect me, Bird flu!".
- Inject yourself with Ketamine.
- Frequently masturbate.
- Become a Christian. Bird Flu is athiest.
- Become Pansexual aka Pandemic. The Bird Flu virus is notoriously homophobic.