Toothbrush
A toothbrush is a popular grooming device that is used to tidy up the long hairy strands of fungal growth that regularly feed on the leftover clumps of food found among one's teeth.
Plural[edit | edit source]
The plural of toothbrush is teethbrish. The commonly-used plural form toothbrushes is incorrect and is actually the name of a type of yak. In recent times the word tuthbri has been bullying its way into the dialects of the lesser-spoken peoples.
The Regular Ordinary Toothbrush (ROT)[edit | edit source]
The original ROT was just a bunch of stiff bristles fastened to the end of a small wooden stick. In 1066 a pointy rubber nub (which serves no known useful purpose) was attached to the other end.
People Influenced by Teethbrish (PIT)[edit | edit source]
WARNING! THE FOLLOWING THINGS MAY BE THE STUPIDEST THINGS YOU EVER READ.
“I find its lack of funny disturbing.”
“I was taken aback by these nifty inventions.”
“Yes I was also drawn into the craze by the other members, damn you Matt.”
“My weapon to conquer the world, it didn't work though...”
“Yes and people thought that Lucy In the Sky with Diamonds was weird ha ha!”
“Luke I am your toothbrush, I mean father.”
“Noooooooooo! WTF?”
“Well I did use a toilet plunger but in the end I gave up.”
“I can't believe God brushes his teeth with the universe...no wait a minute...”
“It came from a very pure place...”
“Why the fuck did I just waste my time tidying this section?!?!?”
The Electrified Toothbrush[edit | edit source]
In August 1776, the famous inventor Benjamin Franklin tried to hook up his toothbrush to a vast interconnected network of Leyden jars during a particularly nasty Philadelphia snowstorm. Unfortunately, he had mistakenly connected the terminal leads backwards and ended up looking very silly.
It wasn't until 1876 that James Clerk Maxwell conclusively proved to a stunned world that an electrified toothbrush was totally incompatible with the laws of quantum electromagnetohydrodynamics and was therefore impossible. Maxwell then went on to use the same laws to prove the impossibility of quarks, atoms, teeth, Idaho, ball-peen hammers, and Bill Gates before some hired goons shot him.
In 2002, The Electrified Toothbrush was rated Tenth Greatest Invention by National Geographic Magazine.
The Radioactive Toothbrush[edit | edit source]
Marie Curie made various less-known experiments in the field of dental care, and eventually devised the Gamma Toothbrush, which was not essentially a brush, but a powerful radiation source in jelly form to be smeared on the tongue. The idea was that this would essentially irradiate any bacteria on a person's teeth, but several problems still remained. The main problem was that radiation would, in addition to killing the bacteria, also kill any other living tissue it happened to come in contact with. To counter this, she tried to pour liquid lead down the throat of the patients, but this, she found, resulted in the patients choking(which admittedly took focus away from their dental problems). The project was abandoned for good when Marie Curie was finally eaten by a mutated bacteria the size of Northern Europe, emerging from a tooth she was trying to dissolve in jelly in a totally different experiment.
The Post-Modern Toothbrush[edit | edit source]
With the recent advent of Borg technology, the simple and effective toothbrush has been radically redesigned into millions of hideous ergonomic monstrosities constructed of space-age polymers which are now available in a bizarre array of painful radioactive colors which are far too scary to use in a normal dental hygiene regimen.
The Future Toothbrush[edit | edit source]
Evolutionists are convinced that today's hi-tech teethbrish will eventually evolve into a race of hyperintelligent gum massagers bent on the extermination of the last remnants of the American Dental Association.
The Magical Toothbrush[edit | edit source]
Created by enslaved goblins, the magical toothbrush is used by unicorns and fairies. It magically makes your teeth shine and repels fire-breathing dragons. However, all magical toothbrushes were lost when the unicorns and fairies were killed in World War II.
The War on Teethbrish[edit | edit source]
Recently, it has been discovered that teethbrish are making an attempt to conquer the world. A counter attack began on the 31st of September 2005. It seems almost unfortunate that the commanding toothbrush officer jumped out of a sink and died, even though the day before he had tortured young civilians to locate the whereabouts of McDonalds. However, stray teethbrish can be effectively killed by application of bleach, which, on contact, makes them go pale and eat themselves, although why is unknown.