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"Plural" is a grammatical term indicating that instead of talking about one thing you are talking about more than one thing.

Definition and rating[edit | edit source]

The International Body Responsible for These Things (IBRTT) has classified plural(s) as Advanced-3, and the technique(s) should be adopted only by people who are (s)killed in precaution(s).

Techniques[edit | edit source]

Primary[edit | edit source]

The primary technique is to simply add an 's'.

  • fishs (a fish, many fishs)
  • oxs (an ox, many oxs)
  • mouses (a mouse, many mouses)
  • sheeps (a sheep, many sheeps)
  • scissorss (a scissors, many scissorss)[1]

Secondary[edit | edit source]

As English is a member of the made-up group of languages, certain words that refer to objects identified as "feminine" during the 876 AD census are made plural by adding es.

  • hairbrushes (a hairbrush, many hairbrushes)
  • dresses (a dress, many dresses)
  • triangles (a triangl, many triangles)
  • chainsawes (a chainsaw, many chainsawes)

Tertiary[edit | edit source]

Nouns of the third declension are particularly perverse, in that they are identical in the singluar and the plural.

  • desk (a desk, many desk)
  • mug (a mug, many mug)
  • bottle (a bottle, many bottle)
  • kitten (a kitten, many kitten)
  • hobbit (a hobbit, many hobbitses)
  • scissors (a scissors, many scissors)[2]

Quaternary[edit | edit source]

For certain words, it is okay to make up plurals.

  • people (a person, many people)
    • children (a child, many children)
    • [wo]men (a [wo]man, many [wo]men)
    • wem/them (me/myself, us/thus)[3]
  • teeth (a tooth, many teeth)
  • teethbrish (a toothbrush, many teethbrish)

Grocery[edit | edit source]

When talking about more than one item of fruit or more than one vegetable, the use of one or more apostrophes at a random point is essential.

  • apple's (an apple, many apple's)
  • lettuce's (a lettuce, many lettuce's)[4]
  • cu'cumb'ers (a cucumber, many cu'cumb'ers)
  • m'a'r'r'o'w's (a marrow, many m'a'r'r'o'w's)

Words ending in -oose[edit | edit source]

When a word ends with -oose, change the oo to ee.[5]

  • geese (a goose, many geese)
  • meese (a moose, many meese)
  • cheese (a choice, these)[6]

History[edit | edit source]

Invention[edit | edit source]

The plural was invented in 372 AD by some accountant, apparently while counting fields, looking for a way to avoid writing "a field and another field and another field and another field". He decided a form of shorthand was needed, and he prepared a lengthy presentation for the international accounting body, discussing the pros and cons of using contractions – or, as it was described then, "the more than one pro and the more than one con". The paper was laughed at mainly because his suggestion was to repeat the word, hence: one trampoline, two trampoline trampoline. His approach was temporarily adopted in Indonesia but nowhere else.

Reinvention[edit | edit source]

The plural was reinvented in 1978, by the little-known author Douglas Adams in his radio play, A Hitch-hiker, Guides, and the Galaxy. In an interview with Kerrang Magazine, he explains.

“I’d just invented this set of co-ordinates. ZZ9-Plural-Z-Alpha. I thought it sounded good, and would really annoy people who insist on pronouncing Z as Zee rather than Zed. And one of the actors asked what ‘plural’ meant. I was just astonished that anyone had actually read the script, so I said a plural was shorthand for more than one of something. And the rest is history.”

~ Douglas Adams, Kerrang, June 1943

Indeed, the rest is history, as the word plural was fitted retrospectively in to every written work up to that point, and Adams's career was ruined as he was drafted in to make up new, official plurals for every single word in the English language.

Related words[edit | edit source]

Despite common belief, the word pluralism is not related to "plural". However, the following words are.

  • Pluto, Mickey Mouse's dog. Mickey already had a goofy dog-thing, hence his second dog was named after the plural.
  • Plook (British slang for teenage acne) – you never get just one.

Current events[edit | edit source]

It has been noted that a plural is also a sea animal which closely resembles a duck-billed platypus (two arms, two legs and two heads). Oddly enough, the plural of plural is plural.[7]

Plural is the name of a small rock floating in space out beyond Neptune. Some academics believe that Plural should be re-classified as a planet, and others can't be bothered to argue.

Plurals as a resource[edit | edit source]

For hundreds of years plurals have been used by people for a variety of purposes including power generation and building, and as an ingredient. However in the last century use of plurals in this way has fallen out of fashion and many traditions have already been lost. In 2002 the Institute for the Preservation of Pointless Traditions and other Miscellanea (IPPtm) estimated that the use of plurals outside of language had fallen by over 94% but use within language has risen by 88%. The IPPtm has pointed out that this rise in the use of plurals within language is not only putting increased strain on the worlds only plural mine in south London but forcing the traditional methods of plural usage out of business through the exorbitant cost of pure plural ($9,000/kg). A The Spokes Person for Plurals Industries: "We at PI take our responsibilities regarding the preservation of traditional plural-based industries very seriously, but recent accidents in the mine and increased usage of plurals means we are struggling to keep up with demand." Experts say the south London mine is likely to run out of plurals by 2012; PI has denied this.

See also[edit | edit source]

Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. Scissorses isn't.
  2. Scissors is.
  3. Y'all (yawl) is singular; y'allses (yawl ziz) is singular possessive. All y'all (awl yawl) is plural; all y'allses (awl yawl ziz) is plural possessive. All y'all's (awl yawlz) is all there is (awl lay iz).
  4. "Summa leh too chee. Grotsy."
  5. This is a phenomenon related to that of pütting döts över vöwels in Germän.
  6. Damn French ...
  7. Plural is as plural does.