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“By once again choosing to spend all your free time out on the surface of the sun until melanoma has developed, you have forced me to pull the attending dermatologist away from a seminar and validate his most ridiculous of career choices.”

~ Dr. Cox on acne seminars

Acne vulgaris (cystic acne or simply acne) is the medical term for a condition which causes the sufferer to cease washing, most notably their face, for prolonged periods of time. These people attempt to disguise their lack of personal hygiene by attributing it to a legitimate medical condition.

Acne is most amusing when it is at its worst – the larger the pimple, the more amusing. What makes this disease so great is the endless hours of fun one can spend in front of a mirror (in private, of course) squeezing the larger ones until they violently erupt. No one quite knows what the human fascination with bursting pimples is. But people are also fascinated by death, aren't they? The most patient zit-poppers have the wisdom to leave the little ones alone, letting them mature into ripe pus-pockets.

The mirrors of a true acne enthusiast are their bragging rights. Rarely cleaned, these mirrors have dried-up squirts all over them. One can compare the severity of the zit just squeezed with those squeezed in the last several weeks.



Backne (baack-knee) takes the pimple-popping to orgy levels, where numerous participants can "squeeze the crap out of" the gruesome bumps upon the backs of their friends. Usually, in such an exercise, the participants will all be familiar with each other. However, there are a few clubs where, one can perform the bubble-busting with strangers, heightening the excitement.

Lick here (↑ not there).

With a strictly over-21 door policy, teenagers without the cash to bribe the doormen are routinely refused access to these exclusive clubs. Driven crazy by acne and desperate for someone (anyone) to pop the pus right out of their pock marked faces, it has been reported that increasing numbers of howling underaged pimple-heads are indiscriminately offering themselves as "zit zombies" to strangers on darkened street corners.

With the proliferation of these groups, also comes another, morally-deprived group, known as the acne prostitute. These low-life men and women will whore themselves on the street, offering their zits for popping for a nominal fee. If you are interested in a night with one of these people, you can find them in the seediest part of any major population center. Of course, protection is a must: gloves. In 2008 scientists at the South Harmon Institute of Technology performed studies proving that 99.99% of acne patients have AIDS.

Fool's-ne champion


Assne (ass-knee) is having a plethora of pimples on one's badonkadonk. This hilarious condition – very common among bus drivers, airplane pilots and Turkish citizens – causes discomfort during routine activities.


Fool's-ne did not receive its nomenclature until 1986, when young Maurro Poppadopolous discovered he was unable to squeeze the pus from a large red zit on his right temple. As he tried, in front of the mirror, he caused the bump to become severely red. To his frustration, the bump would not yield. Mimmicking the name of a mineral known as fool's gold, Maurro declared this type of bump as "fool's-ne".

One way to recognize this condition is a large, red bump, which has no white apex or summit. These should always be squeezed. The pus, having no real escape to freedom, will be forced out of the zit and into the surrounding skin, developing into many, many, many more pimples for your pleasure. The above photo is one of the more successful competitors in the International Freakshow.

Blackheads lead singer Jason McDingle


Inspired by acne, this is a rap group from the ghettos of L.A. Their music, hardcore yet meaningful, has sold over a four million albums. The group is composed purely of Caucasians (as this race has the most inspiration on their face). Hit titles included "Don't Burst My Bubble Unless It's On My Face", "Thorn in My Side, Pimple On My Ass" and "My Skin Has a Story To Tell".

Blackheads have been criticised by the Church of Scientology for their "verbally graphic" lyrics which depict women as zit-slaves. According to the Women's Rights Coalition, their music is "... wrongfully objectifying women, lowering them to the role of a zit-slave, for which men are already perfectly suited". MADD, expanding their horizons, is boycotting The Blackheads, stating in a press conference that "the latest album is promoting squeezing acne while intoxicated, which will only lead to serious injury or death." Not wanting to be outdone, the Women's Rights Coalition President Tom Cruise said in his podcast, "What The Blackheads are doing is wrong, just wrong ... shit my ass hurts ..."

The most dangerous form of acne is known as "conjoined twin" syndrome.

There has been no comment on these comments, interestingly enough, either from the musical group, or from anyone else.

Conjoined twins

This is the most severe form of acne. Typically, this condition occurs when the offending pimple becomes a fast-growing tumour. If left untreated, the tumour attempts to grow into another person, and will try to separate from the original person. However, this is a nearly impossible task, and the now-intelligent pimple will be happy to remain hanging off of the diseased person. These pimples are beyond bursting, and unless properly removed, could result in the death of the host. Invariably, the parasite is left alone. While the intelligent pimple might make great company, they also make sex awkward.

In the media

Since 2003 there has been a momentum building in the media, which centres around various aspects of acne. It began when Oprah did a four-part special, entitled Dealing with Acne. This was quickly followed by a spoof-special on the Conan O'Brien Show, entitled Acne Sufferers, the Bane of Society. Of course, this triggered a massive wave of reality shows a la Survivor. (Just about anything stupid will trigger them.) These included Volcano Face and Largest Acne Bump in the World.

See also