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Lou who?
This article is about the autoimmune disease. For Lusus naturae, the animals that raise trolls, see Homestuck.

Lupus naturae (not to be confused with the animals that raise trolls in Homestuck, or lycanthropy) is an autoimmune skin disease known for fear of getting it causing paranoia, thus creating various false alarms, often dissolved by finding out that you've not got lupus.[1] It is often caused by your immune system's acting up and turning against your body, not unlike several cliché killer robot movies, but that's a given among autoimmune diseases. Symptoms include:

  • skin rash
  • skin pain
  • skin sins
  • losing your skin
  • muscle pain

Lupus is a chronic disease, meaning you'll have it for a while – probably years.

Signs and symptoms[edit | edit source]

As is the way of many diseases, no two cases of lupus are alike. Lupus often causes a signature butterfly rash, which is thought to appear like a wolf's bite, causing photosensitivity in which the patient shuns photo-taking. Arthritis, pectoralgia, glomerulonephritis, perimyoendocarditis, and leukothrombocytopenia are commonly present. Lupus parodies the symptoms of many well-known conditions, while adding wire loops to shape its unique pathophysiology style.

History[edit | edit source]

The first known case of lupus was the Egyptian King Lupothep, who got it for about three years, which led him to seek help from the High Priest Calvinobis, who ordered one thousand three-year-old children to be sacrificed immediately to Bastet, Egyptian goddess of healing. Until Middle Priest Ohmnitep complained about that inhuman act, and Calvinobis pointed out that he could have also sacrificed one thousand three-month-old cats to Bastet, and he was so overstricken by shame that he forced himself to go to the desert completely naked to sing the chant of shame "Yololo".

In The Early Middle Ages the Duchy of Cantaloupia was stricken with a Lupus epidemic, and the quack doctors proposed them to drink duck blood, but this caused them instead to catch the duckborne disease of Cancer. The Clergy instead proposed the people to drink water condensed on mountain plants, also known as Mountain Dew, but this had the side effect of doing nothing to cure their illness. Soon the first of them died, and the village grew so desperate that the Clergy took advantage of it to present the lie that their Lupus-Cancer can be cured by drinking the poop of molested children, but this solution didn't work because most of the priests are French, and their statement was phrased, due to the translator being too sick to fulfill his duties, in the priests' bad idea of Cantaloupian vernacular, and in proper Cantaloupian it came across as them saying "You'll be turned into annoying children's pee", and the people, scared of "being turned into annoying children's pee" commited suicide. The Clergy, overwhelmed with shame at accidentally destroying a city, commited suicide and covered up the case afterwards, forcing everyone to never talk about Cantaloupia, and erasing all records of Cantaloupia and keeping the rest in the Vatican Secret Archives.

See also[edit | edit source]

Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. It's never Lupus.
  2. Ibid.
  3. Ibid.
  4. Ibid.