Blondi
| Blondi | |||
 Ach-tongue! | |||
| Origins | Bayreuth | ||
| Year(s) active | 1945-1990 | ||
| Genre(s) | Old fashioned Deutsche Härte "Ouuuh wahai" | ||
| Label(s) | Blondi's appearance at the 1938 Wagner Festival caused a major scandal when she shared the Fuhrer's seat during a performance of 'Der Hund God Dammit Run'. | ||
| Members | Blondi, Theodor Morell, 3rd Panzer Division. | ||
Blondi (1912 in Berchtesgaden – Put down 29th April 1945 in Berlin ?) was Adolf Hitler's German Shepherd dog lover, given to him as a gift by his friend Martin Bormann to prevent the future Fuhrer from going blind in flophouse in Vienna.
Early times in Vienna[edit | edit source]
Bormann and Hitler had met in Vienna in the years just before the First World War. The young Bormann (who was only 12 then) spied the down-and-out Hitler peddling cheap pornographic French postcards along the Ringstrasse in Vienna. Hitler was at the time trying to avoid compulsory conscription into the Austro-Hungarian army and had taken to literally 'sleeping around' at every doss house and charity night shelter to stay away from the authorities. Bormann would later relate that when he saw the scruffy, starving Hitler chasing pigeons[1] for food he knew this man needed a dog. So asking his parents (who were elsewhere when this encounter took place) for some pocket money to buy a Junior Kaiser military uniform, Bormann instead purchased an abandoned German Shepherd dog from the local pound (the Das Hunden Konzentrationslager) and presented it to his 'new friend'.
Hitler was at first suspicious at receiving the gift, perhaps wondering if it was a Zionist plot but when the dog run off and caught a big fat pigeon and then deposited it's bloody corpse in Hitler's lap, he was smitten. Bormann told him the dog was called Blondi and that she had come from pure canine breeding stock. Hitler stroked and gazed at his new companion, her strong features and trusting look made Hitler feel like a new man. What is more, now that Blondi was able to provide for both of them a daily avian holocaust, Hitler was able to indulge his thoughts in dreaming of one day becoming a new leader for a new Germanic empire, all the while gnawing on a pigeon behind the bushes with his four legged follower. [2].
Time of the Movement[edit | edit source]
As soon as he felt a lot healthier, Hitler and Blondi took a train to Munich. There they were joined by the rebellious Bormann and flat shared in in Munich’s Schellingstraße in Schwabing, close to Osteria Italiana, where W.I. Lenin had written "What Is There To Order Chef?" [3]in 1914. Blondi had heard about this but was not very understanding about the whole point, the answer seemed clear given the fact that the Tortellini al Forno and especially the fish there was and is excellent.[4].
In that same year Hitler decided to take part in the First World War. Unwilling to fight with people he openly despised, he joined the German Army and saw action against the British and the French in the trenches. Blondi had to stay behind in Vienna with Bormann but Hitler wrote to her everyday when he could, though he disguised his affections for Blondi from his colleagues by claiming she was big boned peasant girl from Augsburg. When they asked why she never wrote back to him, Hitler claimed Blondi was too shy to write back.
When the war ended and Hitler lost the only job he was to ever have, he returned to Munich. Blondi was now big and strong and Hitler's love letters decorated her kennel on the balcony with Hitler and Bormann sharing a lebensraum sized bed inside for economy reasons. She would lovingly lick dry their proto-Nazi brown shirts and shorts but the monotony of life in Munich got to Blondi. She had been faithful to Hitler during the long war years, never once heading off to the park to mix with the mongrels and strays she felt strongly attracted too. Blondi's dream was to go to Hollywood to meet Rin Tin Tin. This was not so far fetched, Blondi had once befriended Rin Tin Tin before had become famous and shared dog food together before he left Germany for America. Now that Rin Tin Tin had made it, he sent telegrams to Blondi telling her to get her bitch ass to Los Angeles.
Hitler was devastated when Blondi left him. He blamed Bormann and then the Jews. It was perhaps this crisis that led to Hitler joining the hitherto obscure German Workers and Beer Cellar Drinking club which would soon be better known as Nazi party. So whilst Blondi pursued her dream like a greyhound after a stuffed hare, Hitler was embarking on a very active political career. The couple would not see each other for the next 10 years.
Diana Mitford Crisis[edit | edit source]
Blondi came back into Hitler's life when she read about his attempted Munich Putsch Party in 1929 (news travelled slow then, especially for dogs). Where as everyone else wanted to get away from the 'mad eyed Austrian', Blondi was once again at his side, acting again like a dog in her fantastic disguise. She had to share him for awhile with Gelli 'Jelly'Raubel who was Hitler's niece but Blondi arranged to have her rival killed and now had Adolf to herself.
In the 1930s , her beloved Adolf strayed again and got himself mixed up with dancing troop of English aristocrats known as The Magical Mucky Mitford Sisters. Their disgusting cabaret act (the origins of the Aristocrat joke by the way) got Hitler very excited and he spurned Blondi's charms for the Mitfords, especially Unity and Diana Mitford (and their stage prop, a phallic shaped table lamp).
Blondi was quite angry about this - she already had to cope with the likes of Eva Braun and didn't want to have a Brit brat with a non Bavarian brewery background using up her organic body shop non tested lipstick as well. It has been said by uncontested sources that either Milford or Blondi got rabies after a biting incident during the 1936 Olympic Games which ended this particular menagerie a trios.
Establishment of the Regime[edit | edit source]
When the Nazis came to power in 1933 Blondi crouching by the side of the Fuhrer and convinced him to introduce the Third Reich’s-Tier-Schutz-Gesetz (goosestep: AAAAAAChtung Empire-Animal-Protection-Law-Law) and a ban on animal testing 1933. Hitler agreed and said he would instead test all new medicines on those diagnosed as mentally ill and political opponents inside the concentration camps. However, when Hitler also tried to make Germany vegetarian his Nazi colleagues persuaded him this would give Fascism an image problem. So he dropped the idea , much to Blondi's distress.
Blondi's Lack of Ambition[edit | edit source]
In Hitler's executive order number 1154, Latvia was to have been handed over to the Nazi Dog's Trust for future Third Reich supporting puppies. Blondi was assigned to be HundFuhrer of this new utopia but she wanted to stay with Adolf and refused to go for a walk to 'view her new domain'. Surrounded as he was by people who wanted their own slices of the new Nazi empire, Hitler praised her for true devotion. It was surely only time by the German leader would make Blondi happy and finally marry her.
Wartime[edit | edit source]
By all accounts, Hitler was very fond of Blondi, keeping her by his side and allowing her to sleep in his bedroom - an affection not shared by Hitler’s other mistress Eva Braun. Blondi stayed with Hitler even after his move to Fuhrer bunker facilities in January 1945 and gave birth to a litter of Tellytubbies in April 1945. However Hitler ordered them all to be shot to stop rumours that they were inferior cross breeds, though evidently he wasn't successful.
By the end of April 1945, Hitler felt he had been abandoned by everyone. Blondi persuaded him to expel Himmler and Goering from the Nazi party for inhumane treatment of animals . Hitler agreed and in his Political Testament he compiled a shit list of blame which included the man who used to stop him killing pigeons in Vienna.
But Hitler had one final cruel joke to play on Blondi. He decided that he would marry Eva Braun and not her, despite all the long years Blondi had devoted to the Nazi leader. She felt upset and whined and barked as Hitler and Eva Braun married each other on 29th April 1945. Hitler then asked Blondi to see him alone in the showers. It was the last time anyone else saw her on all fours.
After 1945[edit | edit source]
The end of the war saw many Nazi leaders trying to escape. For their various pets, fate various strange hands. Those who weren't put down, fried or shot eventually got jobs with the Americans and the Russians space programs. This only delayed their eventual fates as they all died in the outer regions of space.[5] A few got away including Himmler's pet boa constrictor 'Heydrich' and Goering's white Siamese cat 'Baron von Maustaffel' last seen being carried on to the last U-Boat out of Hamburg.
Blondi was originally high on the list of leading Nazi pets the Allies wanted to talk to (or at least whisper in the ear of). The German survivors of the Berlin bunker claimed Blondi had been killed and her body thrown into a shallow grave by a distraught Hitler. However it was later revealed that the body was really that of her canine double that Hitler had been keeping for many years in secret for just such an emergency. This gave the real Blondi some valuable time to change her life and escape imprisonment or worse. It was during this time she set up PETA, originally a secret organisation to smuggle any surviving pro-fascist pets out of Europe and to freedom and a career in dentistry in 1950s South Carolina.
During this time, Blondi undertook several rounds of radical cosmetic surgery and did something about her wardrobe. Especially a banana diet in Paraguay did her good, even considering the fact that her hairstyle still could be improved. Several alleged sightings of her in Ethiopia have been clarified as covert photographic actions of Leni Riefenstahl. Susan Sontag wrote another essay about it, but its too annoying to quote this as well.
As memories of the war faded, Blondi decided she could risk using her name again but cleverly altered the spelling so she now became Blondie. She also called herself Debbie Harry just in case and launched a successful career of peroxide pop in the late 1970s and early 1980s. But Blondie (or Blondi) hadn't forgotten her old Nazi affections. Fans of the group say they can detect many hidden lyrics in the songs celebrating her life with Adolf Hitler. They just don't say which ones[6]
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Many years later Georg Kreisler and American comedian Tom Lehrer claim to have been better at doing this, but according Blondi, nobody was better on pigeon gutting than her 'Addi'. Hitler would later to say that his pigeon experiences in Vienna was great training for World War Two when worked on his Blitzkrieg strategies against enemies (real or supposed ones).
- ↑ Susan Sontag, Against pigeon interpreters, Cambridge University Press 1966
- ↑ W.I. Lenin, What to order, collected Works, Vol. 5, S.355-549 1902
- ↑ Don't mention the guest - the waiter has heard the joke before
- ↑ It means the first living animals to make it out of Earth's orbit had been (or still were) Nazis. A sobering thought.
- ↑ However check One Way of Another. Change a few words, speed up the music and add some oompah..see what I mean?.
