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Rammstein members are well-known nudists

Rammstein (pronounced Rrrrrrrrrrrrammstein) is a German band. You could say "It's alright, Germans always had good musicians, such as Bach and Mozart". That's right. But Rammstein play Faux Industrial Metal. Absolutely disgusting. Half their lyrics speak about wild wild sex, 5% about pure love, 20% about death and the rest about things only they understand.

Band history[edit | edit source]

Rammstein was founded in 1994 in a small German town called Berlin. Initially, the band consisted of Till Lindemann, Richard Kruspe, Oliver Riedel and Cristoph Schneider.[1] They wanted to rock the boat of the music industry, with a hard sound and even harder lyrics. But they realized they couldn't do that without one more guitarist and a mascot. As a result they attempted to recruit Paul Landers[2] and Christian Lorenz. The latter was hesitant, but after a box of cookies he agreed to join in.

A little accident at a Rammstein show

The band toured all over Germany in order to boost their popularity. However, they wered booed in all concerts. All members were troubled as they didn't know what to do. While drinking gallons of beer at Oktoberfest, Till had an excellent idea. "Feuer, feuer!" he yelled and explained his idea to the others. They also found it great. Rammstein's pyromania was born that memorable day...

Since then, Rammstein always use these pyrotechnic tricks. Suddenly they became very popular in their country. They became the best band of Neue Deutsche Härte subgenre. This enraged another band, Oomph!, which claims to be the one and only Neue Deutsche Härte band. Although the two bands themselves are civil and polite to each other, the Oomph! fans and Rammstein fans are at war with each other constantly. We are talking about serious war, just like a civil war. However, the Oomph! fans are always burnt to dust, thanks to Rammstein fans' pyromania.

Anyway, Rammstein kept gaining fame and soon became popular in whole Europe. Grandpa Adi would really be proud of them, wouldn't he? In 1996 they performed in UK. It was a huge success. During this period they got their first groupies, some hairy, blonde German maidens. After UK the band triumphantly toured all over the world. Some people accused them of being Nazis, but these people were mysteriously assassinated by a Bavarian ninja.

Rammstein during a concert at South Park

Rammstein gained more and more fans and eventually they became a world-wide phenomenon. Actually, nobody bought their albums except Till's grandma. But when Rammstein held a show, everyone would run to buy a ticket, because they wanted to see all those fire stuff. While touring Europe in 2005 Rammstein was confronted with charges of arson and necrophilia. But Angela Merkel intervened and promised that her lieblingsjungen would not be bad boys again.

Rammstein continued releasing many hits, such as Bestrafe mich (Punish me), Du riechst so gut (You smell so good) and Te Quiero Puta (I love you bitch). Till gained much fame for his deep voice that can send the peasants fleeing into their barns and bolting their doors. He is a licensed pyrotechnician, with multiple burns on his ears, hair, arms and testicles. The band then went into hiding for unknown reasons, perhaps in a cave on the Alps. However, they came out of hiding and released another album in 2019 so they wouldn't become even more irrelevant. This album included delightful songs like PUPPE(Doll) and HALLOMANN (Helloman). both renowned for their uplifting and amusing lyrics. In fact, they are true stories based upon the band members. Flake, wanting to get back at Till for borrowing his Dildo without asking, revealed that they have recorded a new album, meaning the band has come out of hiding and can be found roaming Germany again. You will likely find them at your nearest KKK rally, performing hit songs like Weisses Fleisch (White Flesh) and Bück dich (Bend over).

Controversy[edit | edit source]

In 1984, ten years before the band had begun existence, Rammstein fans got everyones hopes up saying how incredible they are going to be when they do come to exist. Then, in ten years time, when they came into the spotlight, everyone realized that Rammstein were just a novelty industrial band. Rammstein were then imprisoned for 2 consecutive life sentences for breaching copyright of the far more superior band, KMFDM, after 1,835 counts of content theft.

Rammstein videos, photos and shows cause considerable controversy in Germany and other countries. For example, they are considered to be Hitler-fans. Kruspe has stated: "Now I want you to take your middle finger and stick it up your goddamn puckerhole." (In the sexiest and most perfect accent ever)

The videoclip for Mann gegen Mann (Man against man) shows the cross-dressed, half-naked members playing music. "Was ist wrong with that?", said Lindemann. "Have du ever tried high-heels? They are very comfortable". What is more, the video for Pussy (no translation needed) depicts hotties having sex with the band members. "Just because du kann nicht get pussy, es doesn't mean Ich kannt habe as many as Ich want!", exclaimed Lindemann.[3]

A little known fact about Rammstein is that Oliver (Ollie) Riedel has come close to being kicked out of the band on nearly a dozen occasions. Another little known fact is that he once held the coveted position of being the lead singer, until one fateful night in 1998, when he suggested, in jest, that the band be renamed The Ollie Riedel Effect. He was demoted to being the bassist as punishment for even daring to suggest such a God-awful name. Riedel was bitter, and he swore he’d make his band mates lives a living hell for as long as “Rammstein” existed. Till Lindemann once mentioned that Ollie was nearly kicked out of the band again in the summer of 1999 for coming to them with a stupid band name every 2 or 3 days. Schneider said of the same situation “It was like every single fucking day, Ollie would come to my house, go into my room, lie in my bed, and wake me up at 3am or 4am with something stupid like “Oh, Schneider, I think we should change the band name to Stalin’s Mustache ” and I’m like “Ollie, fucking shut the fuck up and go home! The sun isn’t even up yet!” It was seriously annoying, even I almost left the band at one point.“ In 2003, Flake got into a vicious drunken brawl with Ollie at a biergarten during Munich’s Oktoberfest, when he casually suggested they change the band name to Donaudampfschiffahrtselektrizitätenhauptbetriebswerkbauunterbeamtengesellschaft. “It was getting so bad.” Flake said in regards to the event “We all suffered. I was having chronic migraines, Paul wasn’t showing up to rehearsals, Till was suffering from insomnia. It was so bad. Ollie’s constant suggestion of stupid band names had such a poisonous effect on us, the only way we could stop it was for me to put him in his place.” In 2006, during the production of Liebe ist für alle da, Till Lindemann threatened to sue Riedel and kick him out of the band if he made any more band name suggestions. When asked about the situation, Riedel replied: “I still think it’s hilarious. One time I walked into the recording studio and said “Hey guys, how about gingerbread cookies?” and they thought I was suggesting we rename the band Gingerbread Cookies, and they got so pissed and it was so funny. Paul was actually crying and wailing “Not this shit again!” Till chased me around the entire building with my bass and threatened to destroy me with it, and ended up throwing it into on-coming traffic. Schneider actually left the building, and became so stressed out, he had to go on a two month vacation to an isolated island in the South Pacific to clear his mind and forget that actually happened. The joke was on them though. I did have ginger bread cookies. I ate all of them. I make good gingerbread cookies.“

Famous Rammstein fans[edit | edit source]

Homer fuckin' loves Rammstein

Discography[edit | edit source]

Here's Rammstein discography, because by now you're madly in love with them:

  • Herzeleid
  • Sehnsucht
  • Mutter
  • Reise, reise
  • Rosenrot
  • Liebe ist für alle da
  • Untitled 7th Album (Originally called "Wir lieben schwulen Sex," but they changed it, as this would alienate their fanbase of 9 people).
  • I can't believe it's not KMFDM (those c*nts put us in jail)

Footnotes[edit | edit source]

  1. As far as I know, nothing to do with Rob Schneider.
  2. It reminds me Paulaner beer. What about you?
  3. We unfortunately don't know the reporter's answer.