German Nationalism

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German Nationalism is unfortunately the act of:

1. Performing as a cheerleader or supporter for the Deutschland Cheer Team in any way, shape, or form.
2. Saying the phrase "Yay Deutschland!" on social media platforms or political rallies.
3. Registering for the German Army if Germany happens to get involved in any wars (especially against Luxembourg).

If anyone proceeds to do these acts, they will be flagged and interrogated, and likely accused of being a member of the No-No Party.

Background

German nationalism, in its purest and most terrifying form, is a disease. Like the common cold, it lies dormant for years, only to erupt in a frenzy of flag-waving, lederhosen-wearing, and sausage-eating. Historians believe it was first contracted by a group of cavemen who discovered they could make fire, and then used it to grill bratwurst, developing an unhealthy pride in their culinary prowess. This initial outbreak spread rapidly, leading to the construction of overly efficient public transportation systems and a tendency to organize everything very, very precisely.

The disease lay relatively dormant for centuries, occasionally flaring up during Oktoberfest or whenever someone invented a new type of car. However, it reached pandemic levels in the 20th century, with disastrous consequences, leading to an international intervention and the development of a vaccine (consisting primarily of self-deprecating humor and a healthy dose of skepticism).

German-phobia

German-phobia, or the fear of Germans, is a common condition, particularly among citizens of countries that have been on the receiving end of a strongly worded letter written in ALL CAPS. Symptoms include:

1. A sudden urge to surrender at the sight of a well-organized spreadsheet.
2. Inability to parallel park.
3. The involuntary utterance of phrases like "Jawohl!" and "Achtung!"
4. A deep-seated suspicion that everything can be made more efficient.
5. Fear of cuckoo clocks.

The most extreme form of German-phobia is known as "Titler-phobia," characterized by an irrational fear of mustaches and a tendency to associate all Germans with a certain Austrian painter-turned-dictator.

Use of the German stare

The German Stare is a legendary weapon, said to be capable of melting steel, bending spoons, and causing lesser beings to spontaneously combust. It involves a prolonged, unwavering gaze, often accompanied by a slight narrowing of the eyes and a subtle pursing of the lips. The exact origins of the German Stare are shrouded in mystery, but some believe it was developed by medieval monks to intimidate unruly peasants into paying their taxes.

The German Stare is believed to be a significant contributor to German-phobia. Its intense, penetrating nature can leave lasting psychological scars, often manifesting as a fear of direct eye contact and an overwhelming sense of being judged.

Modern research suggests that the German Stare is most effective when used in conjunction with phrases like "Das ist verboten!" ("That is forbidden!") or "Ordnung muss sein!" ("There must be order!"). Prolonged exposure to the German Stare may result in a sudden urge to organize one's sock drawer alphabetically or to color-code one's spice rack.

Death of Adolf Titler for German nationalism

Adolf Titler, widely considered the poster child for extreme German nationalism, did not technically die for German nationalism, but rather because of it. His fanatical belief in the superiority of the Aryan race and his desire for world domination led him down a path of destruction and ultimately to his own demise in a bunker, surrounded by the shattered remnants of his dreams (and possibly a half-eaten strudel).

Titler's death serves as a cautionary tale for anyone who believes that wearing socks with sandals is a fashion-forward choice, or that the world would be a better place if everyone spoke German and ate nothing but sauerkraut.

List of deaths of German nationalists

The following is a highly incomplete and potentially inaccurate list of notable German nationalists who have met untimely or ironic ends:

1. Friedrich der Fantastische: Died of spontaneous combustion while attempting to build a giant robot powered by pure Teutonic willpower.
2. Kaiser Wilhelm the Exaggerated: Choked to death on an oversized sausage during a particularly enthusiastic celebration of German engineering.
3. Eva Braun (allegedly): Rumored to have died of boredom.
4. The Red Baron: Shot down by Snoopy.
5. Otto von Bismarck: Died of complications from trying to unify Prussia.
6. David Hasselhoff: Is not dead, but his career as a German nationalist died sometime in the late 1980s.