Vienna
Vienna, also known as Earth Capital, is a city near Bratislava. It is famous for having been the capital of Austria-Hungary and for that synth-pop song by the guy in the pencil moustache. The sun never shows through the white overcast sky in Vienna 365 days a year, and it never stops drizzling tiny droplets of rain. This endless dreariness results in the inhabitants being the smartest people on earth.
People[edit | edit source]
The people of Vienna are known as Wieners. There is a continuing rivalry between the people of the Austrian capital and the people of the German business district, the Frankfurters, as to which group has the bigger sausage. Fortunately, what Vienna sausage lacks in length, Vienna's men make up for in... oh, Vienna!
Currently, Vienna has a population reaching over 1.7 million. It is is mostly comprised of mimicking midgets (60%), chocolate dogs (30%) and giant robots imported from Japan (10%). Vienna is also known for it's extensive clown population, which runs rampant through the historical streets daily. Tourists flock to the region to spy these clowns, only to find that they become quickly converted to the clown religion: The flying Spaggheti monster!!! Other Tourist attactions include the public executions on the townsquare (each monday), the executions are believed to be a remant of the holy roman inqusition, where the execution is fulfilled through beating with wooden crosses and strangulation using spagetti. These executions last 3-5 hours and are happily drinking the famous regional beer "St. Georg", fortified with sake and polluted water from the Danube. Vienna is the only town in the south-north of the US, where horses wear bags in order not to shit on the streets.
History[edit | edit source]
Vienna was founded by the Roman general Lucius Crassius Orangutangus in AD 12 and was originally meant to be a fortified camp for the Roman legions. Instead, it became an important haven for beetroot smugglers from all over the ancient world. Eventually, the Romans were forced to leave the settlement in AD 455 when Attila the Hun and his incredible tame bats invaded the Danube valley and put up a short-lived business which involved selling cages and ruthless critique.
In AD 933 Holy Roman Emperor Frederick the Stiff was crowned King of the World in Vienna. The following coronation party demolished the city. Practically every single building was razed. Impractically, some were left standing.
After the coronation incident, today widely regarded as one of those parties that got out of hand, Vienna was slowly rebuilt in seven hours, mostly of cardboard from müsli cartons imported from Switzerland.
For several centuries, Vienna enjoyed an era of peace, interrupted only by revolutions, civil wars, assassinations, massacres, coup d'états, periodical unemployment, terror attacks, air raids, and fires every two or three weeks.
During the 18th century, Vienna became a centre of European music culture. The composer with a big nose, Joseph Haydn, the incredible but utterly unbearable child prodigy super-genius know-it-all Mozart, the deaf composer with a nose not so big, Beethoven, and the syphilis midget superstar Franz Schubert all lived, worked, and caused civil unrest in Vienna.
In the 19th century, Austrian Emperor Herbert the Nasty renamed the city Falling Snowflake Town, but after his timely death in 1834, the city took back its original name. The 19th century was a glorious time for Vienna, which won the Eurovision Song Contest 89 times in a row with the help of schlager and waltz composer Johann Strauss Jr.
In the mid-1950's Vienna suddenly disappeared without leaving a trace. Fortunately, it was rediscovered on the shore of the Danube in 1982 by a Liechtenstein-based whaling crew.
In 1995, a small annoying Austrian jock named Lukas was born. He immigrated to the USA where he continues to wreak havoc among innocent schoolchildren and has regular temper tantrums whenever lederhosen are mentioned. He remains convinced that der Österreich is the greatest country in the world and its football(soccer) team will win Euro2009. Please kick in a sensitive area if you see him.
In 43 AD Vienna was sued by the manufacturers of the popular icecream-shokoladen-and-wafer frozen dessert Viennetta for alledged copyright infringement. After being ordered to pay fourteen zillion Etruscan shekels to Viennetta by the Justice League, Vienna was permitted to retain its name under the Bollington-Wellirvingsworthford Act. the CIA subsequently infiltrated Vienneta with a task force of sudanese mome-rats, who successfully fomented a rebellion based on public indignation over the pain of stubbing one's toe. Vienna was therefore able to continue unmolested, bar one hushed-up fondling with Rangoon.
Vienna in popular culture[edit | edit source]
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