East Germany

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East Germany
Deutsche Demokratische
Kuban Kommie Republik
Flag of East Germany (hole).png Coat of arms of STASI.png
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "STASI Is Watching You"
Anthem: "Kommie, kommie, über alles"
Ernst Thälmann Island map (Wikimedia Maps screenshot retouched).png
CapitalBerlin, Hauptstadt der DDR
Largest cityHavana
Official language(s)German and, after 1990, Spanish[1]
GovernmentWeird Germankommieismshaft™
QueenMargot Honecker
‑ Prime MinisterRaúl Castro[1]
 of Independence
"Ehrrr.. Komrade USSRia, can we be independent?"
AreaThe one behind the Iron Curtain
Internet TLD.ddr
German history is fast: one month after this carnival DDR vanished

The East Germoney, offically Die So-called German Democratic[citation needed] Republic, was an Eastern European country and, until October 7, 1990, a Caribbean state and resort island kindly offered by Fidel Castro.[1] The GDR, DDR, or 2PAC, was the strongest Germany in Germankindmannschaft History: the only one able of not losing territories, conquering an "Oversea Country" (A French way to call, and mock, its colonies) in the Americas, conquering the Space, defeat itself into a World Cup, duplicate its cool capital city and... Vanish in a night without the help of David Copperfield or Harry Houdini. Oh Wie Ist Das Schön!!!

History[edit | edit source]

See also: Berlin Wall, Checkpoint Charlie, and Iron Curtain

Is there anybody going to listen to my story
All about the German Commie State?
It's the kind of state you want so much it makes you sorry
Still, you will regret a single day
Ah Bärl... East Bärl...

When I think of all the times I tried so hard to leave it
STASI turn to me and make me sweat
And it promises the space to me and I believe it
After all this time I don’t know why
Ah Bärl... East Bärl...

Geography[edit | edit source]

Where is Fritz?[edit | edit source]

East Germany, named Central Germany by German nationalists, Western Poland by Polish nationalists, and Søuthårn Denmark after World War III; lies... Yes, he lies about his true location. So, we don't know where the Ossies are.

Subdivision[edit | edit source]

Lying about the size, DDR crumbled its federal states to create the Bezirke, so we have: 14 districts, 1 special city, 1 nobody-cares-islet. For a total of 16, as the current German Länder! Fuck yeah!

DDR Reloaded 2.0[edit | edit source]

Ostalgie is a serious problem. Once upon a time, DDR ruled over 2/5 of current Germoney and now, as said in any paragraph, it is a Caribbean islet. Yes, of course this is a pride, because Ernst Thälmann Island demonstrates that DDR is unsinkable. But the Titanic too... So, being a Caribbean state is ok (Baltic Sea really really sucks), being a Cuban dependency too. Being under a province named Matanzas ("killings") is a bit weird. Being under a municipality named Ciénaga de Zapata ("Shoe's Swamp") because it looks like an ankle boot is too much! So, the DDR 2.0 is coming back with a list of rightful claims in any continent. See the list below, choose your nearest Oblast-Consejo-Bezirkslandeshauptstadt and join us(SR): Jawohl, Wir Kann!

Oblast Claim reason
East Berlin The capital and bestest city in the world. Fuck you West Berlin
Western East Germany It's the old DDR surrounding Berlin
East Austria Rightful East German clay and with a walled Vienna until 1955
Western Poland The Eastest Germany
Kaliningrad Oblast Russians sold us and we take back our Eastest and Socialist Pomerania
Czechia Full of ossies and a rightful corridor to reach Ost-ria
Slovenia We have Austria, let's reach Mediterranean Sea, because Nordsee sux
East Namibia Rightful East German clay with a rightful commie aspiration
Whole Togo Rightful East German clay, but it's a bidimensional thin and tall state, impossible to divide into east and west. So, it's all Ossie
Dat Cuban Islet Fidel gave us as a rightful East German clay, nobody never took it back, so that islet is rightful Ossie
Papua New Guinea Rightful East German clay, and the east side of Papua island
East Korea So, Korea wants to copycat us? To repair, East Korea is rigtfully us

Politics[edit | edit source]

"STASI Is Watching You"[edit | edit source]

Contrarily to what the Capitalist Pigods' propaganda said, ossie politics favored pluralism. Within the "(Not-French) National Front", led by the SED (Socialist Unity Party of Germany), you should choose any kind of ideology, thanks to this puppet co-working and useless friendly parties:

  • CDU: Christian Democratic but Actually Commy Union of Germany (Now Merkel-Free!)
  • LPDP: Liberal Democratic Capitalist but Actually Commy Party of Germany
  • NDPD: National Democratic Nazi but Actually Commy Party of Germany
  • DBD: Democratic and Commy Farmers' Party of Germany

So, choose your party, take your "Spreewald Cucumber" ice cream while walking through our safe city park, and remeber: be a loyal citizen! Because: if in Soviet Russia you watch the STASI... We are not in Russia, so stay up and don't touch the wall. Socialist greetings.

Heads of State[edit | edit source]

Picture Name In office Party Notes
Pricasso (cropped).jpg Wilhelm Prick 1949–1960 SED, of course In office with Johannes Dicker-Max as acting predecessor and acting successor
Walter Ulbricht watches you from a hole of the Berlin Wall.jpg Walter Ull-your-bricks-are-belong-to-us 1960–1973 SED, I said Built the Berlin Wall. Him, personally, with his bare hands!
Willi Stoph (inverted colors).jpg Willy Will Stop 1973–1976 Always SED Willi who? The one in office after the acting president Friedrich Ebert Jr.! Who?
Brezhnev and Honecker's kiss at the Berlin Wall.jpg Evil Honeycker 1976–1989 SED, no doubts! All in all it's just another brick in the wall
Margot Feist Honecker (The Blair Witch Project film poster style).jpg The Purple Witch Project 1976–1989 SED, SED! The most beloved person in DDR by her husband
Egon Krenz is Egon Spengler.jpg Egg-on Crab 1989–1989 SAD Yes, he's actually Egon Spengler
Manfred Gerlach (pwned).jpg Manfred Der Last 1989–1990 LPDP, sort of SED Just the time to gain a picture of a Wikipedian list
Sabine Bergmann-Pohl and Helmut Kohl (Minister Argos).jpg Ingrid Bergmann-Pohl
(actually Helmut Kohl)
1990–1990 CDU Did You Know? ... that the last Supreme Soviet of the GDR was Lothar de Maizière Helmut Kohl?
Sigmund Jähn (screenshot of Good Bye, Lenin!).jpg Sigmund Jähn 1990–∞ SED 2.0 Just in Alex Kerner's wet dreams
Fidel Castro (1960s).jpg Herr Fiedel Carsten 1990–2008 PCC Yes, am German and the Vorsitzender des Staatsrats. ¿Is there any problem?
Raúl Castro in uniform.jpg Herr Radulf Carsten 2008–2018 PCC ¿Am I German too, bro?
Miguel Díaz-Canel (cropped).jpg Herr Michael Dienst-Kleinel 2018–now PCC ¡Ich bin ein Havanner!

Culture[edit | edit source]

“No sports, just transports.”

Winston Churchill on game in East German restaurant charters

A cultural day in the cultural life of a cultured Ossie[edit | edit source]

Technology[edit | edit source]

Capitalist jets can break the sound barrier, that is... AIR! Can they break the brick barrier?!
Main article: Trabant

Ossies invented the "Capital City With a Foreign Walled Country Inside" (sort of matryoshka), but they're pat pending because it seems that somebody did the same in a central slum of Rome 33 years before. Anyway Ossies invented... Huh... TRABI: DAS AUTO.™ And now, follwing the law of synergies among the bangers, try the Trabant-Microsoft! Hurry up!

See also[edit | edit source]

References[edit | edit source]

External links[edit | edit source]