Kuban Kommie Republik
|Motto: "STASI Is Watching You"|
|Anthem: "Kommie, kommie, über alles"|
DDR 2.0 location: We Are Back! Resistance Is Futile
|Capital||Berlin, Hauptstadt der DDR|
|Official language(s)||German and, after 1990, Spanish|
|‑ Prime Minister||Raúl Castro|
"Ehrrr.. Komrade USSRia, can we be independent?"|
|Area||The one behind the Iron Curtain|
The East Germoney, offically Die So-called German Democratic Republic, was an Eastern European country and, until October 7, 1990, a Caribbean state and resort island kindly offered by Fidel Castro. The GDR, DDR, or 2PAC, was the strongest Germany in Germankindmannschaft History: the only one able of not losing territories, conquering an "Oversea Country" (A French way to call, and mock, its colonies) in the Americas, conquering the Space, defeat itself into a World Cup, duplicate its cool capital city and... Vanish in a night without the help of David Copperfield or Harry Houdini. Oh Wie Ist Das Schön!!!
History[edit | edit source]
- See also: Berlin Wall, Checkpoint Charlie, and Iron Curtain
Is there anybody going to listen to my story
All about the German Commie State?
It's the kind of state you want so much it makes you sorry
Still, you will regret a single day
Ah Bärl... East Bärl...
When I think of all the times I tried so hard to leave it
STASI turn to me and make me sweat
And it promises the space to me and I believe it
After all this time I don’t know why
Ah Bärl... East Bärl...
Geography[edit | edit source]
Where is Fritz?[edit | edit source]
East Germany, named Central Germany by German nationalists, Western Poland by Polish nationalists, and Søuthårn Denmark after World War III; lies... Yes, he lies about his true location. So, we don't know where the Ossies are.
Subdivision[edit | edit source]
Lying about the size, DDR crumbled its federal states to create the Bezirke, so we have: 14 districts, 1 special city, 1 nobody-cares-islet. For a total of 16, as the current German Länder! Fuck yeah!
DDR Reloaded 2.0[edit | edit source]
Ostalgie is a serious problem. Once upon a time, DDR ruled over 2/5 of current Germoney and now, as said in any paragraph, it is a Caribbean islet. Yes, of course this is a pride, because Ernst Thälmann Island demonstrates that DDR is unsinkable. But the Titanic too... So, being a Caribbean state is ok (Baltic Sea really really sucks), being a Cuban dependency too. Being under a province named Matanzas ("killings") is a bit weird. Being under a municipality named Ciénaga de Zapata ("Shoe's Swamp") because it looks like an ankle boot is too much! So, the DDR 2.0 is coming back with a list of rightful claims in any continent. See the list below, choose your nearest Oblast-Consejo-Bezirkslandeshauptstadt and join us(SR): Jawohl, Wir Kann!
|East Berlin||The capital and bestest city in the world. Fuck you West Berlin|
|Western East Germany||It's the old DDR surrounding Berlin|
|East Austria||Rightful East German clay and with a walled Vienna until 1955|
|Western Poland||The Eastest Germany|
|Kaliningrad Oblast||Russians sold us and we take back our Eastest and Socialist Pomerania|
|Czechia||Full of ossies and a rightful corridor to reach Ost-ria|
|Slovenia||We have Austria, let's reach Mediterranean Sea, because Nordsee sux|
|East Namibia||Rightful East German clay with a rightful commie aspiration|
|Whole Togo||Rightful East German clay, but it's a bidimensional thin and tall state, impossible to divide into east and west. So, it's all Ossie|
|Dat Cuban Islet||Fidel gave us as a rightful East German clay, nobody never took it back, so that islet is rightful Ossie|
|Papua New Guinea||Rightful East German clay, and the east side of Papua island|
|East Korea||So, Korea wants to copycat us? To repair, East Korea is rigtfully us|
Politics[edit | edit source]
"STASI Is Watching You"[edit | edit source]
Contrarily to what the Capitalist Pigods' propaganda said, ossie politics favored pluralism. Within the "(Not-French) National Front", led by the SED (Socialist Unity Party of Germany), you should choose any kind of ideology, thanks to this puppet co-working and useless friendly parties:
- CDU: Christian Democratic but Actually Commy Union of Germany (Now Merkel-Free!)
- LPDP: Liberal Democratic Capitalist but Actually Commy Party of Germany
- NDPD: National Democratic Nazi but Actually Commy Party of Germany
- DBD: Democratic and Commy Farmers' Party of Germany
So, choose your party, take your "Spreewald Cucumber" ice cream while walking through our safe city park, and remeber: be a loyal citizen! Because: if in Soviet Russia you watch the STASI... We are not in Russia, so stay up and don't touch the wall. Socialist greetings.
Heads of State[edit | edit source]
|Wilhelm Prick||1949–1960||SED, of course||In office with Johannes Dicker-Max as acting predecessor and acting successor|
|Walter Ull-your-bricks-are-belong-to-us||1960–1973||SED, I said||Built the Berlin Wall. Him, personally, with his bare hands!|
|Willy Will Stop||1973–1976||Always SED||Willi who? The one in office after the acting president Friedrich Ebert Jr.! Who?|
|Evil Honeycker||1976–1989||SED, no doubts!||All in all it's just another brick in the wall|
|The Purple Witch Project||1976–1989||SED, SED!||The most beloved person in DDR by her husband|
|Egg-on Crab||1989–1989||SAD||Yes, he's actually Egon Spengler|
|Manfred Der Last||1989–1990||LPDP, sort of SED||Just the time to gain a picture of a Wikipedian list|
(actually Helmut Kohl)
|1990–1990||CDU||Did You Know? ... that the last Supreme Soviet of the GDR was |
|Sigmund Jähn||1990–∞||SED 2.0||Just in Alex Kerner's wet dreams|
|Herr Fiedel Carsten||1990–2008||PCC||“Yes, am German and the Vorsitzender des Staatsrats. ¿Is there any problem?”|
|Herr Radulf Carsten||2008–2018||PCC||“¿Am I German too, bro?”|
|Herr Michael Dienst-Kleinel||2018–now||PCC||“¡Ich bin ein Havanner!”|
Culture[edit | edit source]“No sports, just transports.”
~ Winston Churchill on game in East German restaurant charters
A cultural day in the cultural life of a cultured Ossie[edit | edit source]
... He's your guardian angel. Every Berliner has one...
He can protest and call "FEGELEIN! FEGELEIN! FEGELEIN!" as much as he wants. This is a Nazi-free Germany.
Not a fucking Free Nazi Germany!
... In the ßig Äpple too!
...Meanwhile, capitalist subway's motto is: "Nowhere to Run!"
... Watch your favorite anime...
... Enjoy your Leipzig-made Socialist Koka-Kola™...
... Back to the Future with your
OUT A TRABI...
... And don't be scared: "all in all is just a white and circular wall".
Technology[edit | edit source]
Ossies invented the "Capital City With a Foreign Walled Country Inside" (sort of matryoshka), but they're pat pending because it seems that somebody did the same in a central slum of Rome 33 years before. Anyway Ossies invented... Huh... TRABI: DAS AUTO.™ And now, follwing the law of synergies among the bangers, try the Trabant-Microsoft! Hurry up!
See also[edit | edit source]
References[edit | edit source]
External links[edit | edit source]
- For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to East Germany
United States of Europe