St. Pierre and Miquelon

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(St. Pierre and Miquelon)
Collectivité territoriale de Saint-Pierre-et-Miquelon
(Territorial Collectivity of Saint Pierre and Miquelon)
Motto: "The only true Acadia"
Anthem: "Nous sommes français!"
Previous capitalParis
Largest cityMiquelon
Official language(s)French language
GovernmentWelfare state
‑ PresidentNicholas Sarkozy
‑ Prime MinisterFrançois Fillon
‑ President of Terriotorial CouncilStéphane Artano
‑ PrefectJean-Régis Borius
Least favorite peopleCanadians, Newfies
Favorite peopleFrench
National Hero(es)No one
 of Independence
PopulationEssentially 0
AreaUnder or above water?
Population density0
Ethnic groupsFrench, Basque, Breton, Norman, Fishermen
Major exportsTheir ego
Major importsWelfare
Hours of
Too lazy to work

The Territorial Collectivity of Saint Pierre et Miquelon (French: Collectivité territoriale de Saint-Pierre-et-Miquelon), is a group of small French islands off the coast of eastern Canada, the main islands being Saint Pierre and Miquelon, south of the Canadian province of Newfoundland and Labrador. The islands are as close as 10 km from part of Newfoundland.

The archipelago has the status of overseas collectivity within France when they were exiled by the Acadians for being even lazier and more cowardly than they are! It is the only remnant of the former colonial empire of New France that remains under French control, probably for good reason.

History[edit | edit source]

St. Pierre and Miquelon have a long history dating back thousands of years of complex interactions wars between idiots French and British warlords. And throw in a couple Vikings and Native Americans.

Prehistoric settlers who nobody cares about were here at some point or another. They left because there's nothing useful except maybe a few fish, which are better found elsewhere anyway. The ones who didn't leave either starved or got eaten by the Dodo bird.

About a thousand years ago, the Vikings led by Leif Ericsson came to St. Pierre and Miquelon. At first, they were delighted that they finally found some land that was not covered in ice (unlike Iceland and Greenland). Most of the soldiers drowned in a volcano in Iceland, and in Greenland, Erik the Red got eaten by a Greenlandic panther. Ashamed and humiliated, his son sailed further west and found a good place to rest. Well, he thought he did, but the only thing on this island was a flock of dodos. The Vikings, with their appetite, ate all the dodos on the island, driving them to extinction in one meal. Then they explored the area and found Newfoundland, which was better anyway. They never came back to St. Pierre and Miquelon because frankly, there was no point.

After the Vikings, there were some British, Spanish, Portugese and French settlers that got into war with each other about stupid things. Eventually, the French took the territory and kept it. Mostly because they're cowards, and because the British were too occupied with the Americans. Then one day, George Washington got really drunk and yelled some obscenities at the British royalty, just because he could. He was so drunk that people thought he was French (because we all know Frenchmen talk like they're always drunk, and they ARE always drunk), and the British troops retaliated.

Finally, in 1763, after years of fighting, the Brits took pretty much all of New France, including Québec and Acadia under their control. Then the American Revolution happened, when the French came back and took back some of their land, including St. Pierre and Miquelon. The Treaty of Paris happened, but there were so many treaties with that name that the British and French both forgot what the treaty was about. It didn't help that there were several of them. Both sides were confused, and the island territory exchanged hands several times. It finally ended up in British hands again.

Then came the French Revolution, when the British fortified the island due to lack of a French presence. But then, due to the War of 1812, the Brits were occupied being stupid and getting slaughtered by Andrew Jackson in New Orleans. Then Napoleon Bonaparte sold all of Louisiana to Thomas Jefferson, so the least he could do was take back the island territory France once had. And he did.

Nothing really happened for the rest of the 19th century, except for the French Canadians becoming more and more annoying, to the point where they destroyed both languages beyond comprehension.

During the Great Depression, St. Pierre and Miquelon actually had a booming fishing industry. Because of prohibition, the territory was popular for the smuggling of alcohol. This was really bad news to the French, who wanted all the alcohol for themselves. Then prohibition was repealed and the French were really happy not making any money but having plenty to drink.

During World War II, Canada, for whatever reason, decided to invade. Wait a minute... does Canada even HAVE a military? Well, they didn't succeed anyway. Charles de Gaulle, instead of fighting the Germans (which the Americans were doing for him), sent out over 30,000 soldiers[citation needed] to take back the territory from Canada.

Geography and environment[edit | edit source]

Geographic location[edit | edit source]

Saint Pierre and Miquelon are situated south of Newfoundland in the Atlantic Ocean.

Physical geography[edit | edit source]

Saint Pierre and Miquelon is an archipelago of eight islands, none of which are bigger than your own backyard. And you have a pretty small backyard.

Environment[edit | edit source]

Just like the rest of Canada, the climate is damp and windy, and winters are harsh and long. Spring and early summer are foggy and cool. Late summer and early fall are sunny. During winter, the houses are heated by alcohol.

Economy[edit | edit source]

Despite the lack of natural resources, St. Pierre and Miquelon used to have just enough cod to support an economy. They stupidly overfished and the population depleted. Now they require welfare checks and alcohol subsidies to survive.