Ontario

The REAL Mighty Province of Ontario (no politicians care about the north) and its largest tourist attraction: The Great Lakes of Tar.

Ontario, a suburb of Toronto, is a disputed territory. Recognized by most countries as being part of Canada, it is also claimed by the United States and the states of New York, Vermont, Michigan and New Jersey. In particular, New Jersey asserts that 52,000 of its residents relocated to Ontario during the U.S. presidency of George W. Bush, forming the majority of the province's population. Between 1937 and 1944 Ontario was also claimed by Germany, along with the rest of the world. Ontario is nestled uncomfortably between the North Pole to the north, Russia on the left, and Mordor just south. 68% of Ontario residents are "extremely" or "very" naughty, and diplomatic relations with Santa are poor despite the shared border between the two countries.

Capital: Oakville
Slogan: Yours to Recover
Currency: The hockey stick
Founded:' 1784, as a refugee camp for loyal subjects fleeing the treasonous United Spades of Amerika (Also see refugee)

The one force unifying Canadians[edit | edit source]

Coat of arms

Toronto is the capital of Ontario. According to Torontan mythology, this city is the "centre of the universe" and the seat of the Great God Quetzalcoatl, to whom they gladly give human sacrifices. Torontans believe that Quetzalcoatl showed them this city as their homeland, by giving them the sign of a beaver holding a maple leaf. Proof of Toronto being the centre of the universe is the CN Tower, which stand like a huge phallac symbol over the rest of Canada. It is in fact the end of the axis on which the earth rotates. The ACC on the other hand covers the earth's anus. In return, Torontans must appease Quetzalcoatl by regularly feeding him human flesh. Since Torontan mythology explains why only Canadians are human, the Torontan people regularly make war on other parts of Canada to provide sacrifices to Quetzalcoatl. The one force unifying Canadians is their hatred of all things Torontan, even things that have nothing to do with human sacrifice. That is how human nature works: in Ontario, underaged boys a.k.a "The big Matts" give hand jobs to other manly men and think it`s perfectly normal.

Even so, it was the USA which tried to burn Toronto to the ground during the War of 1812. The only good that came of that effort was that Canada burned the White House in retaliation. Ontarians and Albertans united to pillage most of Washington DC.

In Ontario, the average commute from your house to across the street is 7 1/2 hours. This is because Ontarian policy is to build wagon trails instead of real roads.

Ontario, an unimportant part of the Canadian Empire.

In 2005 a cloaked figure created moose bacon. This food has been cherished as red gold now.

Ontario has been scientifically measured as the gayest province in Canada, with a 3.2 gay units, followed by Quebec, having 7.3 gay units (Liberace had 2.5, Elton John 1.1).

Perhaps because of this, the city is known for its burgeoning Post-hardcore/punk/disco-emo-prog/hard rock/harder rock scene.

Toronto has the world's longest street: Yonge Street; and the world's longest parking lot: the 401 Freeway. Torontonians pay $20,000,000,000 every year towards road improvements and therefore has greater gridlock than any other city in Mexico. Toronto's infrastructure was designed by the best mediocre students in City Planning from Naples, Italy and Calcutta, India.

Washington D.C. claims to be very friendly to Ontarians.

Strangely, Ottawa (which should be a city-state) is part of Ontario and must conform to provincial laws. Ottawans, however, aren't limited by Ontarian laws, because they can simply cross the national border using one of several bridges and party in Gatineau where pedophilia, sodomy and kitten huffing are endorsed. Partying in Gatineau is most typical of politicians and high school girls. Ottawa is also home to Canada's largest topless protests, however, statistically it is also home to the saggiest tits in the modern world and therefore only members of the bloc Quebecois show up with cameras and vaseline.

Also strangely, Toronto is subject to frequent rains of seagull eggs. On these days, it also becomes extremely hot and thus, you can fry eggs on the sidewalk. These days are much welcomed because they are the only days when the 3.5 x 10¹⁹ or so citizens (cockroaches) of Toronto are not very hot, or bloated, because it normally rains steak dinners and is hot enough to cook them on the sidewalk.

Ottawa[edit | edit source]

Ottawa is where old, rich, and white Canadians go when they retire to party. The televised "Question Period" is really coded discussion about all the 50 year old Vietnamese hookers they did last night. Any women in Parliament are either lesbian, super-lesbian, or just wanna have some fun (ala Cindy Lauper). Jack Layton, leader of the NDP (the Not Democratic Party of Canada, a ultra-left wing party made up of Russian veterans of the War Against Satan) has said himself he likes the "Big Gas".

Shelter[edit | edit source]

As many people know, Ontario is hit by a snowstorm every day. On its lucky days, Ontario receives 25cm of snow. Because of this, Ontarians live in igloos, some as old as 2500 years (constructed by Turkish settlers during the invasion of the Ottoman Empire).

People[edit | edit source]

A typical Canadian Orc. Orcs are recognized as an ethnic minority in Ontario by the Canadian Government.

Statistics from 2008 Census (all of Ontario)

32% Canadian

30% Beaver (17% of which is hairless)

19% Romanian

9% Hobbit

5% Orc (Uruk-hai included)

3% Jedi

2% Ewok

Toronto statistics

45% Blacks

45% Indians

10% UN Peace-keepers

Brampton

An average Brampton resident

99.8% Indian

0.01% Pakistani

0.01% Police

Markham

169% Chinese

10% Korean

12% Other people who love Pacific Mall

Oakville

10% Rich white kids

90% hockey dads

0.00001% Other

Kitchener-Waterloo

80% Nazi Germans (SIEG HEIL MEIN BRATWURST!!!)

10% Disgruntled American draft dodgers

10% Piss everywhere and anywhere

1% University students (Mostly comprised in Waterloo which happens to make up 99% of their population)

0.00001% Laid off Research in Motion workers.

Sudbury

128% White dudes. Usually miners.

3-4 Blacks depending how many have been killed by gangs today.

Burlington

99.99% Dumb white guys

169% Slums with lack of self respect

1o r 2 Asians depending on how many Nike shoes they're delivering that day

100% Earlobes

1 black guy who doesn't hotwire cars and steal shit

Peterborough

50% Douche Bags

27% Lifers (Born, raised, and died without love or meaning)

18% Retired former canoe builders who can't afford to live in Toronto and really love to water their lawn.

5% Peterborough hydro workers who are in the dark 99% of the time and the 1% who can see the light. Like to musk fish from a Lund.

Welland

60% Unemployed

20% On methamphetmine

21% Unemployed

London

48% Drug dealers and freaks

49% Good people

1% Police

0.001% Visitors from neighbouring towns

People who've driven through Ontario[edit | edit source]

Justin Bieber - He's from Ontario, what did you expect?

Carrey, Jim - The Greatest Actor Who Ever Fucking Lived! Screw you De Niro, Robert!
Cent, Fifty - Former premier Anti-Drug Department of Canada
Davis, William - Former Prime Minister and known best for a radio jingle "Help keep the promise". While no one knew what it meant, everyone agreed it was a historic jingle.
Domi, Tie - Retired professional ice bowling player and former incumbent first lady. Domi was once mistaken for King Kong, but this was later disproven when he was measured at 5ft 2 inches.
Gretzky, Wayne - Men's Ice Hockey Champion who married a fine bit'o'tail.
Hussein, Saddam who was the supreme dictator of Ontario in the 60's and implemented OHIP during his term.
Palin, Sarah, on the way to Washington D.C. to ask for $5,000,000,000 earmarked for Wasilla, Alaska. She claims this is "foreign policy experience."
Planet, Captain who came to Ontario to destroy the fossil fuel power generators in Toronto, but was sadly killed when he went for a quiet evening swim in Lake Ontario.
Santa, Black - Only delivers to kids from Ontario.
Secord, Laura - Canada's version of Paul Revere and the Raiders.
Terrance and Phillip - A legendary comedy group popular with kids from South Park.
Windsor, Queen Elizabeth II apparently to give a plate to a horse. Ah, to be born into nobility with a penchant for bestiality.
Kathleen Wynn - Ontario's lesbian premier capable of turning homosexuals into heterosexuals
The Weeknd - An extremely popular singer known for songs like "Blinding Lights" and "Can't Feel Anything". Will most likely be popular than Justin Bieber in the future.

Places to visit in Ontario[edit | edit source]

Alliston - Boy hood home of famous back-up field hockey groundskeeper Manny Legace.
Ancaster - Whitest place on earth!
Barrie - pronounced 'berry'. As in baseball has been Barrie, home of Canada's biggest grow op ever in the old Molson Brewery. Barrie is also home to more Newfies than Newfoundland.... and God bless 'em. Des makes the place inter-est'n!
Brampton - The city for Indians and Blacks or Indians who think they are Black.
Brantford - The crime capital of Ontario.
Burlington - The city of condos filled with rich bitchy teens.
Concord - Home of the jet that runs on pure alcohol. It breaks the sound barrier to get as far away from Vaughan as possible.
Goderich - Pot capitol of Ontario. 'Prettiest town in Canada' according to some old hag.
Hamilton - The pollution capital of Canada.
Huntsville - The home of hot women eager to move and escape their brothers. Hunstville is known for Blackflies and Whitechicks. Both bite.
Kabouter's Indian: Right by Moose Factory.
Kenora: Home to the Copulation of the Muskellunge Festival held each July 28, the city's one day of summer each year. It's only winter there.
Kingston - According to Kim Mitchell, best road skank in the country. Home to the Pen, biggest PMITA (pound me in the ass) joint in Canada.
London (Ontario) - A hellhole for drug addicts and low-income families. Justin Bieber was born there.
Lucan - Home of Dave's Farm, Canada's biggest theme park owned by convicted pedophile David Rock. The park's mascot is strung out meth addict Rick Mast, who also happens to be a deadbeat dad.
Mitchell - Birth place of the Arch Duke of Rock 'n Roll Sir Kim Mitchell.
Niagara Falls - Large casino and annoying tourist trap. Also rumoured to have a waterfall.
Oakville - A city for rich bastards and spoiled kids.
Orillia - The teenage pregnancy capital of Canada, but closely rivaled by Collingwood & Lindsay.
Oshawa - The zit on Ontario's ass, they tried to get rid of it, by popping it and using Clearasil, but for some reason, IT'S STILL FUCKING THERE! (Thanks to the Auto Workers Union)
Ottawa - Like Washington without the authority.
Peterborough - Mud, welfare, and old people who are retired from the utility.
Sarnia - The place across from Narnia.
Sudbury - Think Moria with more Orcs.
Thunder Bay - Most lightning strikes ever!
Timmins - Known for it's Jaguar testing facility and rumored to be the reason why Jags suck donkey shlong now.
Toronto - formerly known as Fort York. I swear those faggy Brits named everything York back in the day: "Where's the originality Elizabethan England?" Makes you wonder how the Spanish lost out to those bland bastards. Oh yeah, Toronto is... stay out of it if you want to live.
Tweed - Where Elvis retired to after he left the building. (Shannon Tweed was Queen of Tweed, but gave up the throne after being married to Gene Simmons)
Welland - featured on David Letterman's Top 10 List as highest drug use per capita in North America (95%) and has the busiest beer store in Canada.
Windsor: That awesome place across form Dee-troit, where people from Michigan go to get wasted when they turn 19.
Woodstock - Known for a famous concert during the 'summer of unprotected sex' 1969.
Vaughan: A city for old Italians with kids that dress like their gangster & slut idols.
Kim Mitchell - Tore the place up with his panty-peeling rendition of 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'.