Drake (musician)
“Drake the type of guy to shake his head and say "oy vey" when he's disappointed. ”
Aubrey (Not Audrey) Drake "BBL Drizzy" Graham (born "October's very own" on 10/24/1986), also known simply as Drake formerly known as Drizzy Drake Rogers, is the type of nigga to claim to be a Canadian rap artist, media mogul, singer, and actor, hyping himself up as the type of "rap nigga to popularize R&B vibes and feelz" in hip hop. In reality, he a scam artist, specifically he the type of "nigga"[1] to lose his N-word pass for trying to appropriate black culture, and lost it for good while rap-battling Rick Ross, Metro Boomin, and Kendrick Lamar, the last of whom literally eviscerated him for trying to start something.
In fact, Drake was born in a predominantly rich white community and only started acting black because it was "more swag" than just being a white guy who looked black on the outside. He a culture vulture. So in reality, Drake is simply nothing more than an actor. He also a simp.
Drake the type of dummy to get made fun of relentlessly, but pass it off and still try to hang out with the "cool kids" in the hip hop community by acting like the idiot they all say he is.
Early life
Aubrey Drake Graham the type of baby to get born in Toronto of all places to a black father, Dennis Graham, and a white Jewish momma, Sandi Graham. "Aubrey Drake Graham" the type of wack-ass white boy name that would never work for a rapper's stage name, except for the middle part. Maybe. Baby Aubrey grew up without his daddy, as Dennis peaced out and moved down to Memphis, leaving poor Aubrey to "start from the bottom" and grow up in a rich white community with his mom and out of touch with being black. Boo hoo.
As a kid, Aubrey the type to be sent to a private school. Aubrey the type that thought "Aubrey" was a "wack-ahh" name and started referring to himself by his "awesome-o" middle name. Aubrey the type to get good grades without trying and be a "nerd", often being the type to remind the teacher to give everyone homework. Drake the type to skip school and start causing trouble, or "playah hatin'". Some of this "playah hatin'" included "vandalizing" a dirty window by cleaning it, "pranking" the school janitor by "stealing his job" and cleaning toilets for him,[2] and trying to bully the school bully and getting locked inside his own locker as a result. Either way, this kid the type to think the latter persona was more "badass, dude", so he chose his "Drake" persona over his nerd persona.
Acting career
As the "wheelchair kid" from DeGrassi
Drake the type of loser in high school to think that being an actor was "pretty badass". Drake the type to try out for his school play and get cast as a tree in the background. When that "sucked ass", Drake the type to play hooky in school, then see an advert for casting parts for a teen drama TV show. However, his mom the type to not let Drake try out until after he did all his chores, then delayed again until Drake had celebrated his Bar Mitzvah, then delayed until she ran out of weird ass excuses when she realized she wouldn't be able to make Drake study to become a pharmacist or banker.
Drake the type to try out for the main part, the football player, then get cast as the character in a wheelchair instead due to "lacking a certain charisma", but "carrying a goofy-ahh side character energy". Drake the type to channel all his angst into the role instead, garnering awards for how "authentic" he was in his role as Jimmy Brooks. To this day, Drake's role in DeGrassi remains his most authentic performance as he fit the role of an angsty suburban kid.
Rap career
Contrary to popular belief, his whole Drake "rapper" persona is a fake! Yup, he’s just an actor trying and failing to play a rapper.
Drake the type to be inspired by other "greats" in rap such as Vanilla Ice, Kanye West, and Dr. Seuss. He the type to study method acting and never break character as a gangsta rapper. Except for the time he pulls his "black card" and "rapper card" to try to win over the ladies, seeing how easy others like Justin Timberlake (a white guy or "wigger", nonetheless!), Chris Brown, and Lil Wayne get "da pussy". What happens is that he rap-sings overly emotional "first world problem" lovesick songs while also trying to brag about how "badass" and "hood" he is. Despite the cringe, it somehow still works with clueless white girls and those only after his "Jewish rich baby daddy" money.
Rise to fame
Unsurprisingly, everyone likes a good actor, and simply due to his good looks, rich boy money, and fledgling acting abilities that still managed to convince suburban teens he was a "gangsta rapper", Drake became the hottest thang outta Canada and its biggest success since Chad Krueger from Nickelback, Alanis Morrisette and Terrence and Phillip. Despite his cringey rap-singing, he the type of cheat code to keep getting away with it! Mostly because his songs and even his actions are so cringeworthy they've become meme-worthy, attracting a crap-ton of attention.[3] To this day, Drake the type of Silly Sally not to realize we're not laughing with him, we're laughing at him. He kept it cool though, and somehow got multiple collabs with Lil Wayne, Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, the Migos, and 21 Savage despite his basic, try-hard rap-singing flow sticking out like a sore thumb against his collaborators.
Drake the type of Savvy Sammy to build all his wealth through attracting listeners who actually had money, thereby fueling his streaming numbers. In fact, these fanboys are the type of nerds to figure out how to make bots to keep streaming his music and endlessly augment his streaming numbers even more. With this in mind, this possibly means Drake the type to possibly have up to 99.9% of his fans all be bots. That possibly explains why he the type of Jabberin' Joe to somehow dwarf literally everyone else in streaming numbers and get more airtime on the radio when he'd otherwise be #69 on Canada's list.
Beef career
Drake the type to only stay relevant in the rap game by starting beefs with other rappers out of nowhere, and if you take more time to think about it, Drake the type to steal the styles of the rappers he beefin' with. Drake also the type to think that by beefing with other rappers, he gotta own more cows than them. Therefore his front lawn also doubles as a dairy farm, home to 50 or so cows.[4]
- Beef with Chris Brown
Drake the type to see one-time teen idol Chris Brown, known for those slick dance moves, sweet voice, and good looks, then go:
When said teen idol slips up, and after getting drugged by the media, revealed his woman beating fetish, Drake the type to do a victory lap by stealing Breezy's girl Rihanna, then taunting the singer relentlessly, not knowing that Brown's woman-beating fetish could easily turn into a jackass-beating fetish.
Despite Drake continually insisting he was better than Chris, Drake the type to secretly envy Breezy's ability to pop-lock-and drop it, emulate Michael Jackson's crazy choreography, and do backflips on stage (albeit forcing himself to sing with autotune. It's HARD to stay in tune when exhausted). Drake the type to evoke his own dance moves while rap-singing about his feelings, and the world was forced to witness the "Hotline Bling" (avert your eyes below), "Toosie Slide", and the "Kiki challenge".
Nonetheless, when Rihanna finally had enough of Drizzy, thereby dumping both men, Drake challenged Breezy to a dance battle and got humbled. The two squashed their beef not too long after, and Chris Brown woke up one day with some free burger patties on his front porch.[5] Drake the type to squash beefs in that manner.
- Beef with XXXTentacion
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Maan, what is with Drake starting shit with young, troubled artists?
Drake the type to meetup with so-called SoundCloud rapper XXXTentacion[6] at a club party and then say "yooo dude, I fuck with your shit dude, it's so skibidi", while pouring the under-21 rapper some Hennessy. When X got put in jail for sucker-punching some fangirls, Drake the type to literally steal X's flow and put it into his own song.
Drake the type to get all pissy when X called him out, claiming that "underage kids don't got the right to claim copyright". After getting some advice from P. Diddy, it seems Drake might be the type to have put a hit out for X. Drake the type to blackmail the author into staying mum on if he was actually involved with X's murder. No burgers for X though, as the dead can't receive them.
- Beef with other scrubs in Hip Hop
Drake the type of bully to start beefs with wimpy little unknown rappers such as Pusha T after Pusha said something mean about Drake. Drake also the type to recruit an army of ghostwriters with his Jewish rich boy money that he claimed was by "dealing crack cocaine in neatly wrapped gift boxes". Therefore, with well written diss tracks and the media also bought out, Drake obviously won these petty little beefs and refused to squash them, denying these scrubs their patties.
Drake also the type get cussed out by Kanye West and his blatant Anti-Semitism, but that only made everyone hate Kanye more. Drake the type to claim that as a rare W.
- Beef with Kendrick Lamar
“FUCK a rap battle, this a lifelong battle with yourself!”
Drake the type to think that just because the record labels arranged for him to be featured on up-and-coming rapper Kendrick Lamar's song "Poetic Justice" that they'd be besties. Kendrick the type to see through Drizzy's bullshit. Let's be honest, we all the type to see through the bullshit, except for fanboys from the suburbs, white girls enamored by the size of Drake's dong, and Sexyy Red. Kendrick played it cool though, observing Drake's meme-worthy actions in amusement from afar without saying a direct word but secretly dissing the type of buffoon Drake really was in half of his songs.
Despite Kendrick keeping his distance, Drizzy thought K.dot was "playing hard to get" and doubled down on becoming besties with him, even claiming along with J. Cole that they were the "big three" of hip hop. The gall. Kendrick finally had enough and called Drake out while collabing with Metro Boomin' and Future, and a heartbroken Drake began slandering Lamar, rap-singing in his "diss tracks" typical Mean Girls insults, all with the help of his clique of ghostwriters. One split second after Drake crooned that Kendrick was "done", Kendrick then dropped a whole ass diss album that exposed how fake and petty Drake was, namely all the grievances that the hip hop community had been harboring but hiding for years, before topping it off with the club banger "Not Like Us" which cemented Drizzy's status as an "OV-Hoe", "Sixty-nine God", "Freaky-ass neighba", and "Certified Pedophile".
Not only did all of Drake's haters and the entire West Coast start crip-walking to Kendrick's song, but even the cows on Drake's lawn got in on the action and crip-walked their way out of the slaughterhouse, stampeding through Toronto, terrorizing the Six, and turning even Canada against the self-described "Champagne Papi". Unable to respond properly, Drake's final diss track, "The Heart Part 6", ended up being nothing more than an incoherent, salty, rambling rant that did not flow whatsoever with the beat it was laid on. Drake the type of wannabe player hater to run out of beefs to give due to how hard Kung Fu Kenny slapped him around.
Post-Kendrick Lamar feud
Drake the type of loser to lose all his swag once his ghostwriters quit following Lamar's "Not Like Us" diss track. As a result, this the type of wack-ass song he was able to muster without them:
Personal life
Simp life
As we mentioned before, Drake is a SIMP!! He the type to promote himself as "Sex God" to try and win over the ladies, but due to his exaggerated fake accent, it came off more as "Six God" and eventually "Sixty-nine God". Who'd wanna bang a guy who calls himself that?
- Simpin' for Rihanna
Drake the type to simp for Rihanna just to get street cred for stealing Chris Brown's girl. At first, Drake only did it to piss Brown off, but then Drake got the feels for RiRi and fell head over heels for the "Good Girl Gone Bad", and let's be honest, everyone figured it out because Drake the type to turn into the "lovestruck emoji" with hearts popping out of his eyes, just like the cartoons. Amused, Rihanna kept him in the friend zone because she still had feelings for Chris and wanted the latter to work his legal situation out.
Drake the type of imbecile to claim that he had sex with Rihanna when all they ever did was get to "second base".[7] When asked if they had ever done it, RiRi burst out laughing and retorted "Have you ever seen Drake's dance moves? He ain't no Chris Brown with that 'Tootsie slide' or 'Hotline bling'. As such, he ain't gettin' no pussy from me! He like a goofy ass brother to me, that's all."
To make matters worse, Chris Brown and Rihanna got back together even after the punchy punchy situation got resolved,[8] making Drake feel ever more so like an incel. When Brown and Rihanna broke up again after realizing maybe punching each other wasn't healthy (and Chris realizing his type was actually Blasian chicks), Drake swooped in again and tried even harder, not only really getting in Brown's nerves, but causing Rihanna to see Drake as a creep and cut him off.
Drake really the type to stay in the friend zone and pray for it to work out, but he really only wasted 10 years of his life and got the worst-case scenario for being in Rihanna's friend zone: overstaying his welcome there and getting demoted to the blocked/creeper zone.
- Simpin' for Nicki Minaj
Waiting in the sidelines while Drake made Rihanna his "main chick" was frequent collaborator Nicki Minaj. Drake the type to lead Nicki on and even go all the way with her while making it clear that they were "just friends" and that Rihanna was his main target. Drake the type to then get all salty and butthurt when Nicki moved on to an actual relationship with Meek Mill, then start calling her out for leading him on.
- Simpin' for Millie Bobby Brown
Unable to keep down quality women his age, Drake the type to look at MJ's career for the wrong reasons, and try to go for younger girls who may or may not be 18 yet. In one instance, he the type to "befriend" the child actress star of Stranger Things and claim "I'm the cool kid in high school!" He apparently the type to keep living in his DeGrassi days.
Drake the type to slide into Milly Bobby Brown's DMs, then claim he was "just be hanging out" with her, offering fashion, dating and life advice to the young actress, even going on "practice dates" with her. He the type to simply be "platonic", yet do some other things with Brown that would make the author puke and probably get banned from even Uncyclopedia if these things were mentioned in detail here. When Millie Bobby Brown found a real boyfriend, Drake the type to start Instagram stalking him, keep commenting, and "act totally not jealous". When called out for the BS he pulled off with Millie Bobby Brown, Drake the type to respond "I'm too famous" to be doing that stuff.
- Simpin' for Kendrick Lamar
Drake the type to also have a "man crush" on other rap artists who actually write their own lyrics, such as Kendrick Lamar. When that simping went unrequited and when Kendrick instead gave him several backhanded compliments, Drake the type of fanboy to get jealous and start a beef with him, ignoring what Kendrick was capable of. We all know what happened next.
- Simpin' for Sexyy Red
Remember that song where Ice Cube describes a hoe who got the "moves of Ashanti, body of Beyoncé, face of an Andre, ughh, she a little Strangé"? That hoe is essentially Sexyy Red in a nutshell, except she can also kinda rap. With a more annoying voice than Cardi B. Drake the type to not only start collaborating with her when all the other ladies started avoiding him, but make Sexyy Red his de facto replacement for Nicki Minaj. As Kendrick said himself, two bad bitches in one pod.
The Drake sports curse
Drake the type of "sports fan" to bandwagon any "hot team", annoying the actual players on said team to the point that they lose motivation and purposely blow their games just to spite him. Yes, Drake is really that annoying and distracting to his favorite teams and athletes.
Discography
- Type Me Later (2010)
- You My Type (2011)
- Nothing Was My Type (2013)
- Traffic Jams (2016)
- Look At My Stinger, Girl (2018)
- Certified Creeper Boi (2021)
- Fuggetabowdit (2022)
- She the Type (2022, with 21 Savage)
- For Those the Type (2023)
Notes
- ↑ Dubious, he grew up essentially white, Jewish, and rich with his mom, as his black father was never really in his life, only reappearing to reap the benefits of having a rich son
- ↑ The janitor, surprised that Drake the type of looney to do all his work for him for free, was actually glad. While Drake gleefully scrubbed away the remains of Taco Tuesday from each bathroom stall with his bare hands, the janitor meanwhile spent his time on the clock getting paid to do jack-diddly-squat aside from reading porn-o's.
- ↑ Not necessarily good attention, but attention nonetheless. And a lot of it
- ↑ Drake once recorded a featured verse to 21 Savage's song "A Lot" that simply went "How many cows you got (a lot)" about 50 times to "flaunt his beef". Upon hearing it, the producers prescribed Drake with ghostwriters and replaced his terrible verse.. with a new one from 21 Savage that almost got the latter deported by Donald Trump.
- ↑ The next day he woke up as Lil Dicky
- ↑ who arguably beat more women than Breezy and actually had a shady past
- ↑ i.e. holding hands and a "friendly hug", not even kissing. So that's really just a pop-out caught by the second baseman.
- ↑ with Brown even saying of his mandatory prison time when he intentionally violated probation to bang Rihanna: "totally worth it"
See also
- Lil Nas X - another modern hip hop musician who happens to be gay, though he doesn't act like a white girl like our boy Aubrey
- Kanye West - another bat fuck insane rapper
- Diddy - An even more bat fuck insane rapper
- Michael Jackson - the opposite of Drake, a black person who didn't feel white enough
- George Michael - another opposite of Drake, a homosexual person who acted straight, who was actually talented as well
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