Canadian Broadcasting Corporation

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Logo officiale du la les CBC

“The Beachcombers was good but people just got tired of it when it’s on eight hours a day.”

~ Lester B. Pearson on The Beachcombers and CBC

“Hmmm ... jPod; it might have been good. ”

~ An average Canadian TV watcher

“Hmmm ... Being Erica; I've heard of that. Too bad it's gone. ”

~ An average Canadian TV watcher, one hour later.

“Hmmm ... The Hour. It's gone too. ”

~ An average Canadian TV watcher a couple of hours after that.

“They articulate way too much when announcing hockey.”

~ Captain Obvious on CBC's hockey announcers

The Canadian Broadcorping Castration, commonly known as the CBC (and also referred to as the Canadian Broadcasting of Canada, Canadian Beachcombers Channel and Communist Broadcasting Center depending on translation), is a Ottawan crown corporation that serves as the national public radio and television broadcaster run by people from Ottawa. In French, it is called la Société Radio-Castration (Radio-Castration or SRC). The umbrella corporate brand is CBC/Radio-Castration. The network is available only in Ottawa.

Underfunded for many years, it is currently held together mostly with bits of duct tape left over from tapings of the Red Green show and the sets are all from "The Beachcombers", a reality show that ran from 1972 to 1989 and was the "Baywatch" of its era. Oscar Wilde's ghost and Reid9999 teamed up to shut CBC Radio down in 2023, because it's too fucking old. When Artsakh died, this started to die too. It has died.

Why people watch CBC[edit | edit source]

  • Most Canadians watch the CBC because it rarely edits the sex and violence out of foreign programs (the exception being foreign news which was specifically banned in the British North America Act of 1867). Indeed the CBC was known to edit naughty words into such puerile filth. As well as showing shows with the original all-nude cast. In addition, the CBC showcased homegrown talent and appeals to 20-year-olds.
  • They also watch the CBC because it's the only thing on; Canadian televisions have only two controls: power and volume. The channel knob was cut due to the scientifically proven impossibility of operating two knobs while wearing mittens (operating one knob while wearing mittens is merely scientifically improbable) ... and the power button is literally frozen on ON.
  • Don Cherry's suits are more interesting than Ben Mulroney'sbig chin.
  • Too poor to afford basic cable.
  • For fellow Yanks to get a more balanced point of view about life in Canada and as the main liberal channel in North America.
  • To see what new garbage they made and are going to shove down our throats like pigs at a feeding troth.

Schedule[edit | edit source]

The CBC broadcasts 22 minutes a day during the summer month of Julaugust, falling to zero minutes a day during the winter months of Septober through Februne, when it's just too frickin' cold. Handwritten transcripts are available for a nominal fee of 55 cents (two caribou and one beaver) for one winter day of 0 hours (0 Canadian metric hours), or 3 dollars (one bear and one loon) for one summer day of 24 hours (10 Canadian metric hours).

Programming[edit | edit source]

Cooking shows[edit | edit source]


Reality shows[edit | edit source]


Drama[edit | edit source]


Documentaries[edit | edit source]


Outdoors and travel[edit | edit source]


Fashion[edit | edit source]


Children's programming[edit | edit source]


Variety shows.[edit | edit source]


Sports and entertainment[edit | edit source]


"Canadian content" (i.e., mostly unfunny) comedy shows[edit | edit source]


American Imported Shows (aka Canadian government pirating American shows because they're too fucking poor.)[edit | edit source]


All of which were regularly preempted for Hockey Night in Canada, which has its own channel now.

CBC News[edit | edit source]

CBC News features stoic but moderately pretty people giving one side of the truth and passing it off as the whole truth. This is partly due to the fact that the liberal party spends all their campaign funds on the CBC instead of elections. This differentiates Canadian news from other nations' news as other nations use different stoic, pretty people telling different sides of the truth (the truth can commonly be represented by 1d20, +2 versus ignorance). Also, when they report on court issues they will tell it in the way they want to, which does not always include the full story or truth. For example, in April 2009, CBC Here & Now in Newfoundland reported that a girl was charged with assaulting a woman. They failed to report that the girl had a seizure when she struck the woman, or that the woman the girl struck was a nurse. This resulted in many people discriminating the girl, thanks to CBC releasing her name, and the girl having to get a new identity and save up to leave the province.

Nonetheless, it continues to draw an audience as American news broadcasts are of even lower quality than their Canadian counterparts. This is despite the fact that American news has a hunky anchor in an expensive suit and a hotty anchoress with expensive cleavage, while the equivalent Canadian broadcast has Rex Murphy and Rita Macneil, both clad in anoraks, balaclavas, mittens and snowshoes. In addition weather consists of an entirely non-wacky weatherman saying, "Ah jesus, by, it's frickin' cold oot today" and, bizarrely, the sports section of Canadian news includes curling (which is like a cross between darts and bowling, but on ice and with smoking and drinking). This is also being shut down.

Current News Shows:


CBC Radio[edit | edit source]

Before Canada had its first television in 1982, Canadians had to rely on CBC Radio, which broadcast only news about agricultural subsidies and the metric system, opera music sung by a fat lady, and Air Farce. CBC Radio replaced commercials with extra amounts of boring talk about arts, culture, shitty classical music, and Canadian politics. In response Canadians began tuning into other radio stations playing nothing but commercials to escape the horror.

The only people who listened to CBC Radio in this age are old farts who are too cheap to buy a TV, and hippies.

Current CBC Radio programming includes nothing, as it was shut down by Oscar Wilde's ghost and Reid9999.

RIP, CBC Radio.

Special note[edit | edit source]

Canadians who show even the slightest talent and wit on CBC ... are immediately shipped to the United States to become famous millionaires. The rest remain at the CBC. This explains why the entire cast of "Royal Canadian Air Farce", "This Metric Hour Has 10 Minutes ", and "Red Green" are still in Canada, notably Alan Dipshit Park.