British Columbia

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Colombia was, like the Republic of Locombia, originally the primary South American exporter of cocaine to the USA. Guyana now runs the Latino 'snow markests'. But they don't take their own business, the Americans and western Europeans do.

The People's Republic of British Colombia (also known as Chinese Columbia, Hongcouver, British California, and Lotusland) was originally a small South American peninsula which slipped into the Pacific Ocean one night during a particularly violent storm and eventually washing up on the Wet Coast of Canada.

British Columbia is where Newfies go to retire and where the dream of the 2000s lives on.

Initially the Colombians were far too stoned to notice but, after ingesting massive amounts of coffee in an attempt to keep warm, the notorious Colombian dictator Björk Edmond Auskutenfrütkn began to realise the full magnitude of the disaster and hastily gathered a landing party to invade nearby Washington state and begin the long, slow trek southward.

The fledgling Colombian colony, the District of Colombia, was soon founded with little resistance as there was little else of importance in Washington. The opposition that existed was generally stifled by the widespread practice of granting pot as a gift of peace. Animosity between young Colombia and the remainder of British North America (then known as Gringoland) continued to simmer under the smoky veneer. After the formation of Canada in 1867, with the motto "From Sea to Sea", the Fathers of Confederation realized that they had made a big mistake in reading their maps, as the westernmost province of Canada at the time was Ontario, and the body of water that had been thought to be a sea was in fact Lake St. Clair. Accordingly, Sir John A. MacDonald set about conquering the Canadian Mild West, but only made it as far as Manitoba, where he found not the sea, but Lake Winnipeg. Double checking his map, and getting advice from the Colonial Office in London, Sir John Eh decided to lure British Columbia into Confederation by a combination of a railway and a lifetime supply of Quebec maple syrup. British Columbians, who at the time numbered only about 300, jumped at the chance and signed themselves into the Dominion of Canada. Unfortunately, the railway took forever to build, and the maple syrup was never supplied, being diverted instead into the munitions factories of World War I. Canada, however, had managed to extend itself from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and thus was able to adopt 'This Land is Your Land, This Land is My Land, from Bonavista to Vancouver Island" as its national anthem. (Sadly, Bonavista, Newfoundland, would remain outside of Canada for a further 70 years, but this oversight went unnoticed by most Canadians who thought they were still in Britain anyway).

The first Premier of British Columbia, Amor de Cosmos, was a well known lover of the universe, whose real name was Bill Smith, began a tradition of Premiers called 'Bill'. The second Premier, WAC "Wacky" Bennett, was well known lover of megaprojects. The third Premier, Wacky's son Bill, attempted to found a dynasty, but got lost in the Belgian pavilion at Expo '86. The fourth premier, Bill VanderZalm tiptoed through the tulips until he was discovered in a parking lot in the middle of the night accepting large sums of money from Chinese-Canadian real estate agents in large hats. The following Premier, Bill Harcourt, resigned amidst a similar scandal. The next Premier, Bill Clark, also resigned amidst a scandal of his own. The current Premier is Gordo Campbell, who is currently resigning amidst scandal, having earlier survived a conviction for impaired hula dancing in Hawaii.

British Columbia has recently hosted the 2010 Winter Olympics which, apart from an appalling lack of snow and dreadful mascots, were a modest success.

With the advent of the personal computer, a decision was reached after much cocaine abuse to sell the entire Washington State to Microsoft and move the District of Colombia elsewhere in the US.

Recent calls for the renaming of the Province's geographical features to reflect aboriginal heritage have resulted in calling the Queen Charlotte Islands "Haida Gwaii" and the Gulf of Georgia as the Salish Sea. A proposal has recently been put forward to rename British Columbia "Skookumland", a Chinook term meaning "Best Place in the World". The name "British Colombia" itself was selected by Queen Victoria, who rejected the alternative name proposed "French Columbia" as sounding too French. In gratitude to the Queen, the citizens of the capital city (then little more than a marijuana trading post) named their city "Victoria" in her honour. The city of "Vancouver" was named after Vancouver, Washington, as a way to confuse American settlers trying to reach the Oregon territory.

Most of British Columbia is ruled by Sony.

A Kerosene Huffers Paradise[edit | edit source]

Kerosene, a type of fuel used for lamps and stoves is a staple drug for all British Columbian, It is often dispensed at nearby "Huffbars" as they call them. The huffing scene in British Columbia was so large at one point that the government had to dispose of them all. They simply lit a Match and ran away.

District of Colombia and other Geographical Confusions[edit | edit source]

DC is the not a part of British Colombia, its actually the capital of the United States. The capital of British Columbia is Victoria, which is also a state in Australia. The largest city, Vancouver, is actually in Washington State. The Strait of Georgia, which separates Vancouver Island from Vancouver (note, Vancouver is not actually on Vancouver Island), is nowhere near either Georgia, the American one or Georgia the Caucasus one. The Sunshine Coast gets no sunshine at all, and Long Beach, near Tofino, is in fact a small bog. Recent reports indicate that the Rocky Mountains which have long been thought to separate British Columbia from Alberta, are in fact the Bullwinkle Mountains. And no one was surprised when war broke out in the Peace Country in the province's northeast.

Military[edit | edit source]

British Columbia, as a Province, has no military of its own. But if it did, it would be so awesome that it would easily capture the abominable snowman, bigfoot, Yo mama, and Chuck Norris with his BB gun. Unfortunately they were unable to catch Mr. Hankie the Christmas Poo.... They also know Kung-Fu and Esquimalt, near Victoria, is the base of Canada's Pacific Fleet, which currently consists of a tugboat, a houseboat and an admiral with gold braid on his uniform. Periodic visits by the US aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan allow Canadians to appreciate who really remains in charge.

With all of the original Colombian settlers gone, Canada was hard-pressed to find people even marginally willing to colonize the remote centres of Vancouver and Victoria (British San Francisco).

Learning that Hong Kong was holding a "lease expired" sale in 1997, the wily Canadians tricked the capitalists of that city that to avoid the impending communist Made in China fate they should move to Canada and build a railroad from coast to coast. When the railroad scheme failed to attract enough immigrants, the decision was made to change the name to British Columbia, so the people of Hong Kong who didn't want to be Chinese could remain British.

The railroad across all of Canada scheme turned out to be a hoax (alas, there is no Newfie Bullet as The Rock is today completely devoid of railroad tracks).

The scams eventually worked well enough to convince foreigners to settle in British Columbia, a Canadian province which while now prosperous under its new Hong Kong ownership has nonetheless all but forgotten its original Colombian roots, except for the love of marijuana, which extends from the oldest cougar to the fetus in the womb. So revered is this naughty substance that tunnelling funds originally intended to extend the pathetic SkyTrain network were diverted to building an underground railway between two houses on either side of the United States border so that these Canadians can share the joy with their Idaho neighbours.

The Colombian territory is filled with hot women who are in the constant search of wealthy gringo tourists so they can eventually move to Colombia's motherland AmeriKKKA.... Another weird country.

The Canadian Left Coast[edit | edit source]

Also known as "PC", the "Pacific China" republic is the farthest left than even socialistic left-leaning Canada can go. Historically, the white people hated the Chinks, Japs (threw them in internment camps) and Hindoos came by as railroad workers, farm workers and miners. A few other Indians with feathers, even fewer Negroes in a "darktown" in North Vancouver where Cheech and Chong kicked it, and Kanakas out of the Pacific islands, you have yourself a "Rainbow" world that Politest Canadians are proud of. What's so British...or Canadian about that? Well, at least they are Not Americans, they are so racist (but we like Alaskans).

Stoner capital of the world[edit | edit source]

Also known as New Budland, BC is the chronic capital of the world. If you like to smoke weed and get the munchies for weeks, BC is your paradise. The Royal Canadian Cross-country Skiing Police are so lazy they don't mind if you spark one up. However you can be denied entry if you don't own a bong. A beer bong will grant you temporary citizenship. There are many stoners here, at Bowen Island or "Headhunters, Kannibals and Serial Killers" escaped from a privatized American prison known for the death penalty and it's a crime to be gay or smoking weed.

It has been confirmed that the entire Californian economy is based upon a valued importation of weed, something Californians are unable to live without. It has been postulated that should British Columbian economy collapse, that is, should the green stoners of British Columbia decide that they officially "no longer give a shit" the Californian population would undergo a weed famine, and thousands, even millions perhaps, would lose their lives out of lack of weed. The backup plan that suggests claiming large parts of Mexico in order to restore California's weed supply is uncertain at best.

BC-STV[edit | edit source]

Citizens of British Columbia recently voted on a new system called the BC-STV (Super Train Vitesse), also known as the RAV line, which was deemed too fair a transit system and lost due to having popular support. Translink officials have commented with the cryptic, "Screw all y'alls."

Famous Columbians[edit | edit source]

  • Chris Ingvaldson - Accomplished educator and athelete
  • B.D. Jones - Trillionaire businessman and certified genius (see his official site)
  • Pamela Anderson - Athlete
  • Pablo Escobar - el senor
  • Franco-Columbians - only 2% of "PC"'s multicultural population made French a mandatory language on everything, but outnumbered by alot of Asian people about 9 to 1.

See Also[edit | edit source]