Oregon

Downtown Eugene. Note the excessive trees.

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“While one may occasionally enjoy viewing a mighty fir tree bending in a fair breeze, Oregon is so crowded with mighty firs it would give a groundhog claustrophobia.”

– Oscar Wilde

“Was it worth all the dysentery? I think not.”

– Ox on Oregon

Oregon – pronounced ['o ɹɪ ɡɑn] ("OR-rig-gone") or ['oɹ ɡən] ("organ"), but never the erroneous and stupid [ˈo ɹɪ ɡən] ("OR-rig-gun") – is, unfortunately, a state on the West Coast of the United States. It is one of the most segregated states, with the far more populated urban coastal western half having power over the rural eastern half. The state is known for having lots of trash and needles on the streets of the cities within the western half, but this is not the case in the eastern half.

Oregon is often called the Next-to-last Frontier, the Romantic Wood Products State, Toilet Paper Producer to His Majesty, Next-to-eye-dee-hoe, Smells of Mussels, and Too Treely. It is also commonly referred to as "the Canada of California", "the Mexico of Washington", "Fred", "the New Zealand of Hawaii", and sometimes "the Portugal of Idaho". But, in actuality, it is a community of inbred escapees from the notorious Biosphere project, led by a band of moss-covered, lichen-brained, doddering Ents. Oregoniacs naively believe this band is a "state legislature".

Unlike its flighty neighbor to the south, Oregon stays firmly on the ground. In this it is similar to all the other regions in the world. Except the flying ones. Or the ones that don't actually fly but merely hover and chew cud. Well, and the Burrowing Nation of Burundi. Let's just abandon this line of discussion, shall we?

History

Oregoniacs have been plagued by diseases such as dysentery, cholera, and Pixelated Face Disease since the beginning (photo c. 1846).

The discoverers of Oregon came from the north, across That Other State, the one where Microsoft lurks. They found a land of mildewed valleys and boggy marshes, algae-infested ponds and dense dripping forests. Plus some mountains and sagebrush. And rivers, they found several rivers.

So they settled down. "Settlers", one might call them. Some planted gardens, many hunted and fished. They explored the green and spongy land. They cut down some trees and built homes.

Then, after several thousand years, white people showed up.

That stopped the fun, you betcha.

History – the white version

Tricked by the Minnesota Educational Computing Consortium, vast throngs of white people migrated to Oregon in the 1840s. They had been promised not only good farming land, but a fortune in film rights from selling and telling the story of the various hardships they encountered as they crossed continent. Thus, the Oregon Trail scheme was born.

Unfortunately, most of them died enroute and so their stories remained untold – until the fantasy game cleverly published by the aforementioned Minnesota Edumacational Computating Nasturtium revealed the legends of thousands of fallen white people.

Map of Oregon after the war. The shapes inside indicate territories conquered.

In 1898, the RAND Corporation purchased the whole state for $3.50, a can of Dr. Pepper, and the condition that Oregon remained a part of the United States of America.

But the changes didn't stop there. The people of Oregon, harboring delusions of grandeur, declared war on several other smaller neighboring states to the east (Taragon, Klamath, and Les Empire Des Chutes). From 1914 to 1918, the Pacific Northwest was smeared with blood, Mountain Dew, and syrup. But finally Oregon was triumphant, spent, flaccid, and utterly exhausted of all ambitions. Its territorial ambitions had grown it ten sizes too big, and it remains sluggish to this day.

And then

Modern Oregon has seven international airports, all of which serve biplanes and Cessnas with one engine or less. The largest town sold recently to a couple of Japanese tourists for $200. They promised to maintain the gas station, although the general store was to be closed. In addition, the all-powerful gurus of the state government have decreed that because ordinary people are too incompetent and stupid to pump their own gas, the task must be left to bug-eyed aliens from Neptune who pose as gas-station attendants.

There have been NO volcanic eruptions in Oregon recently. That was in That Other State.

The state animal is the beaver, so help me God. Here in the USA beaver is slang for a woman's ... or a girl's ... well, to be frank, the sensitive places behind her ears.

The state flower is the Oregon grape, which bears a fruit so sour it will pucker your face off. The state excrement is the thunder egg: you know, the kind that makes echoes in a thundermug.

Geography

Sadly, he just wasn't Oregon material.

The Oregon Coast can be found, eventually, right up against the ocean. There is some sand. Sometimes one may observe a seashell or a bit of seaweed. It is a veritable natural wonderland.

Next, moving east, one comes to some hills. They are hills in Oregon. In Estonia they would be huge mountains. But in Oregon they are measly hills. They are only about 2000 feet high, mostly, though the highest is about twice that.

Farther east one finds some "mountains". They have snow and ice and rocks and bigfoots on them. Bigfoots are apocryphal apes with – you guessed it – big feet.

Even further east is a great desert that is home to the evil warlock Jeff. He works part-time as a sage hen during the tourist season, when hordes of visitors – about two per year – visit the vast sagebrush steppes to view the romantic Mating of the Sage Hens.

Oregon is about four times the size of Lithuania and over five times the size of Estonia. Yet there are very few Uncyclopedia articles about Oregon. Oregoniacs are no longer a boastful, noisy people.

If none of this makes sense to you, just remember that Oregon is the one on the map that is above California. That means west of Florida.

It should be noted that despite what Wikipedia might say, there are absolutely no trees in Oregon. Instead, sand is packed together with the blood of hippies and the souls of democrats to create life-size forgeries. Most foreigners are easily fooled and also believe that it rains on the coast.

Pastimes

The sport of whale-carcass dynamiting, as played in Oregon

A famous though rarely practiced sport is dynamiting whale carcasses. The most recent whale-dynamiting event set a new distance record for hurling decaying blubber. The winning lump of whale crushed the side of a car a quarter mile (nearly half a kilometer) from the starting line. One can only say "Bravo!"

Oregoniacs have always enjoyed river sports. Here we see an entire town participating.

Another time-honored Oregon sport is drowning. Some participants drown in rivers, and others, in the ocean. The Oregon Department of Damnation created and maintains many large reservoirs in which the sports-minded can drown.

Many Oregoniacs pass their leisure hours spitting, killing slugs, and oiling their knee joints. Every year thousands of hunters "take to the woods" and shoot at each other. Sometimes innocent blacktailed deer (Odocoileus gardenivorus) are killed in the crossfire.

Note: All tourists in Oregon besides you are terrorists trying to kill you. No ... wait. All the terrorists in Oregon are tourists trying to smell you. Oh hell, we think we received bad info on this subject.

Now we come to the lists

Famous Oregon cities

• Salem
• Portland
• Springfield (one of the 50 states that can claim the Simpsons is filmed here)
• Shelbyville (a.k.a. Eugene)
• Calamity Flats (Their motto: Nothin' too excitin' here)
• The Dalles
• Oregon City
• Champoeg (pronounced "shaymmmmflugermeisterWOMBATpthang!pthang")
• Boring
• Cardiff
• Grahamtopolis (a.k.a. Sherwood)
• Idiotville (a real town LOL)
• Gravity Falls
• McMinnville, TN & OR (cross-dimensional town)

Famous Oregon exports

• Slugs
• Rain, clouds, mist, and drizzle
• Wet-lung disease
• Resinous plant material (not Oregono, even missplelled)
• NBA Drug Addicts (Formally known as The Trail Blazers)
• World class fencers.

Famous Oregoniacs

• God (May be incorrect: He is rumored to have come from outer space.)
• Lula
• Barbie (That's a damned lie: Barbie comes from Japan, I've seen her label.)
• The Guy On The Nescafe Label, Chief Nike
• Masters of the Internet
• Ward Cunningham, creator of Wiki and Dark Lord of Portland
• Tonya "Broken Lace" Harding

Famous Oregon algae

• Kelp
• Sea Lettuce
• Spirulina
• Pond scum
• California

Famous Oregon rocks

The Petrified Children of Oregon, shown atop a worm-eaten two-ton potato (for scale)

• The reddish one
• That big black one with the knobs
• That flat piece of sandstone that won the Nobel prize
• The Petrified Children

Famous Oregon gases

• Nitrogen
• Helium
• Nitrous oxide
• Methane
• Argon

Famous Oregon lists

• Cities
• Exports
• Oregoniacs
• Algae
• Rocks
• Gasses
• Lists

Famous articles with more lists than this one

• Romania, Romania, how we love to list thee
• Lithuania, ever on our hearts list

"... this is too tedious and boring to continue."

See also

• Organ
• Oregon Trail
• Portland
• The Ori