Saipan
Islas de los Ladrones Supreme Chamorro Republic of Saipan and Lesser Islands Totally Independent Of The United States But Not Really Saipan | |||||
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| Motto: "Toda tu base es pertenece a nosotros" Spanish: "If it's not bolted down, it gets pawned" | |||||
| Anthem: "My Uncle's a Cop." | |||||
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| Capital | Puerto Rico Dump | ||||
| Official language(s) | United Statesian, Tagalog, Bat Fuck Insane | ||||
| Government | Plutocracy | ||||
| Head of State | Ozzy Osbourne | ||||
| ‑ Prime Minister | Jack Abramoff | ||||
| ‑ Lieutenant Governor | Larry Hillblom | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Surprisingly enough, the same people other Americans hold dear. | ||||
| Currency | Chinese garment workers (official), food stamps, stolen computers | ||||
| Religion | Eating Bats | ||||
| Major exports | College students on American Indian scholarships, government employees on junkets, STDs, shabu-shabu, ice, meth, weed | ||||
| Major imports | SPAM, Bud Light, government handouts, sex offenders, paedophiles | ||||
Saipan is a small island in the Chamorro Sea. They love eating good food there.
Geography[edit | edit source]
Although most Americans cannot locate the United States on a map they have come to realize that Saipan is really damn close to Asia and should the need arise again, can still use the island to bomb it back to the Stone Age.
History[edit | edit source]
Saipan was founded over 500,000 years ago by God who called it Eden. In 2000 A.D. Colombian pop star Shakira was due to hold a concert on the island, but got lost due to the fact the pilot of her plane was Amelia Earhart. The dismay she felt at not having to play a concert there was reflected in her song "Her Hips Don't Lie." meaning, "I wish I was in Saipan having some local boy grab me by the hips and fuck me from behind like there was no tomorrow!"
The Native People of Saipan[edit | edit source]
The native people of Saipan have grown tired and weary of the stateside Americans coming to the island and berating everyone and everything much like that old crabby individual that holds up the grocery check out line and complains about a two cent price discrepancy and demands to see the manager.
Etymology[edit | edit source]
The word "Saipan" was intended to be an abridged version of the words "Sailors love to hang out and have a good time in Garapan" but just as the U.S. Senate staffer assigned to this task was putting this word together during his 4-hour long paid lunch break at the pawn shop, Washington D.C. was hit by the worst power failure in history, that sent D.C. back to the Stone Age and eventually led to civil war, unrest, looting, famine, and the eventual realization that things weren't so bad, tomorrow is the start of a 5-day weekend. And anyways, all the problems could be blamed on Native Americans, African-Americans, Pacific Islanders, Asians, Hawaiians, the State and Island Governments. So come on everybody, let's get CCCCCRRRRRRUUUUUUNNNNNNKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!
Culture of Expats living on island[edit | edit source]
The nightlife on Saipan for expats consists of getting mega bombed on two bottles of heineken then "strolling" (driving) around the main roads of the island in a beat up third hand vehicle (preferably one he/she "borrowed" from his roommate while he was in his/her house smoking his/her weed and having sex with his/her spouse, sister, brother, father, mother, maid, and anything else that wasn't nailed down) and looking for Chinese garment workers/Filipino strippers and bar girls to marry. The motto they embrace is "Love The Island, Hate The People."
Swimmming in waters down at the beach is always a lot of fun too. Bring the whole family!
Apparently, everyone born on Saipan is a U.S. Citizen, and therefore an American. The statesiders who live on Saipan, and usually become experts after a day or two on island, seem to ignore this fact and tell all the other poeple there that they owe there freedom to them. Although all Americans carry the same blue passports, statesiders are offended by that notion and choose to ignore this fact and tell the Chamorros and Carolinians that they actually are not true Americans.
