Gary Glitter

"I love you, love; because you're two, love."

Gareth Francis "The Cupcake Craver" Glitter III (born 8 May 1944) is an English former glam rock singer-songwriter, musician, and psychotic terrorist, famous in the 1970s for wearing a silver suit and a silly wig but now much more famous for being a paedophile. Having lived for a number of years in prison in Vietnam at Ho Chi Minh's pleasure, in 2008 he was contained by the SCP Foundation due to raping children on a field trip to the prison. A common misconception is that he is human, but routine DNA tests found him to be 47% rabid dog , 30% horse meat, and 23% Scene Kid, perhaps because he may have been born (unfortunately) in a TESCOS. He is also a vocal Nazist.

Early Life

Gareth Francis Glitter was born as Lawrence Francis "Larry" Litter in May 8, 1944.

He grew up in Banbury, England. While some have claimed this is because he threatened other children into doing his homework for him, there is no evidence of Larry ever threatening a child. Based on his report cards, he quickly mastered reading, writing and arithmetic. He also learned sign language, and even as a child became a popular guest at the British Asylum for Funny-Named Juveniles.

Unfortunately, the more abstract concepts taught in junior high made school increasingly difficult for the boy, and his grades began to drop. The other boys began making fun of him. He was often snapped at as he was often caught trying to escape the boys' abuse by hiding in the girls' showers.

Fortunately, Larry found his niche. His voice was endearing and clean. So he sung at the football team's games. Adopting the odd-yet-endearing name "Gary Glitter", Larry became extremely popular with the junior high schools girls and with parents and younger children. Attendance at the football games set new records, and brought in more donations for the school. Apparently his recognition as a local sports star inspired his school work, for he began getting straight A's in all his classes, which were primarily taught by helpful coaches.

This continued in high school, where "Gary the Glitz" led his team to the Illinois high school state championship in both his junior and senior year. He also served as mascot for two Chicago High School sports teams, the baseball Cubs and the basketball Wookies (now called the Bulls). He continued taking classes taught by helpful coaches, and graduated in 1962 as Banbury Academy High School's valedictorian.

He attended the University of London in 1963. He dropped out due to him getting flirtatious around children, and later sung at strip clubs. Starting that year, his career got up and running. He sung the Halftime Show at the first Super Bowl in 1966.

Pop career

1970s

The 1970s was a very tasteless decade for Britain. As well as funny sitcoms, extravagantly wide flannel trousers, and Margaret Thatcher, they also coughed up glam rock. Gary Glitter was one of many acts who rode this music wave like a silver-spangled surfer with a dodgy wig. At the time, no one questioned the intentions behind songs such as 1972's "Playground Bangaround" and 1974's "Breaking In Minors (Oh Yeah! Oh Yeah!)" and, besides, the 1970s were such a crazy time that everyone was sleeping with kids.

1980s

Glitter's success waned somewhat in the 1980s, although he still managed a hit with "I've Got Love For You If You Were Born In The 80s... The 1980s" in 1991, later covered by Calvin Harris in 2006. He managed to wade through a resurgence of interest in the mid-'90s amongst the student fraternity who, when not guffawing at Supermarket Sweep and mock-quoting Jim Bowen Bullseye catch-phrases, 'ironically' bestowed appreciation and affection on the lovable, playful kiddie-fiddler.

Neither his 1973 album 'Touch Me' or his 1984 disc 'Boys Will Be Boys' attracted much critical attention at the time, but in later years left millions wondering how, with albums titled like this, nobody spotted this mincing child-hungry pervert 20 years earlier.

In the late '90s, Glitter was linked to the Pampers Corporation for a series of advertising campaigns, stressing the importance of extra padding when protecting your child from the likely intrusions of such failed Glam Rock disasters.

In 2007, Gary Glitter telephoned R. Kelly, Matthew Kelly and Pete Townsend to try and put a band together called "Child's Play". However, Glitter's calls were never returned.

Nonce

14th Century Painting "Adoration of the Leader".

In 1997, Glitter took his computer for repairs to his local computer repairs shop after severely jamming his foreskin in the disk drive. This lead to him being arrested and charged after indecent images of children were discovered on it (also, his penis had to be surgically removed from the computer, and is now no longer considered a penis). Glitter responded to these claims with "they're not indecent, they're pretty high-quality if you ask me".

He was jailed for six months and on release promised to be good, if you take "be good" to mean, "fuck off to the third world to abuse kids". After being kicked-out of Cuba by Fidel Castro he moved to Vietnam where he grew an absurd beard (quite possibly based on that of former Vietnamese leader Ho Chi Minh) and promptly got himself arrested for child abuse and banged-up for several years. In 2007, he served time with Leatherface, who he sexually abused. When asked why, Glitter responded "He was like a child, so I defended him from the others". After 2008, he had to be contained by the SCP Foundation due to him trying to rape children on a field trip to the prison.

The SCP Foundation's current Glitter Threat Level is said to be "extremely low" ever since his Apollyon-class containment, but there is a chance he may rape a junior researcher.

Television

Before going into hiding in Vietnam Glitter had planned a comeback along with his one time drinking buddy and America's favourite (non-Austrian) rapist Mike Tyson, would host a new variety show called The Kids Are Not Alright (now that Glitter is here!). The concept of the show would see Gary being blindfolded and then trying to catch kids using only his sense of smell and Tyson's verbal directions. The show was canned by the BBC as they thought it was too Noel Edmonds, although Jimmy Savile had expressed an interest in co-presenting and "perhaps joining in".

Live Execution on IBC

He signed an exclusive contract with IBC in mid-2009 to broadcast his hanging live, which was the first execution in Great Britain since its abolition in the 1960s, the first public execution since the 1700s, and the first ever on TV. IBC praised it as 'edgy, watercooler television; plus you get to see a nonce with a stupid beard swing'.

The live broadcast featured interviews with celebrities such as Gary Bushell and Anne Widecombe as well as vox pops with civilians who crowded around the gates of the prison where Glitter was being held, all of this interspersed with original versions and "special remixes" of some of Glitter's greatest hits. The actual hanging itself provided the climax of the one-hour show and was watched by an estimated 12 million viewers on the night itself (with another two million "catching up" via IBC's online VideOnline service). In 2010 Glitter's execution was voted one of the "craziest moments of 2010" on some godawful talking head show or other.

There were several complaints received by Ofcom, the broadcasting watchdog. Unconfirmed reports state that several of them (from a P.Gadd, G.Glytt'r and M.Gangohyeah) were in the same handwriting although there were others clearly in a different hand (from a Mr M.Jackson in the United States as well as an R.Kelly).

It turns out the hanging was staged by the SCP Foundation, just to conceal their existence.

Albums

• I Didn't Know I Loved You (Until You Started Teething) (1972) (Bad Wig Discs)
• If You're Over Eighteen It Just Ain't Gonna Work (1973) (Bad Wig Discs)
• If Lovin' You Is Wrong, Maybe It's Okay In Cambodia (1975) (Bad Wig Discs)
• Can't I Touch Them... There (Constable)? (1977) (Bad Wig Discs)
• It'll Be Our Little Secret: The Be(a)st Of Gary Glitter So Far (1980) (Bad Wig Discs)
• What Your Mama Don't See (1980) (Bad Wig Discs)
• Get Skintight For Papa! (1984) (Neverland Ranch Records)
• My Wife Turns Twelve (1987) (Neverland Ranch Records)
• Come On! Come On! (My Goatee Beard) (1991) (Neverland Ranch Records)
• Golden Showers in Vietnam (1995) (Ronald McDonald Cambodian Childrens Foundation Records)
• Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Cellar (1999) (Repeat Offender Records)

Singles

• "Playground Bangaround" (1972)
• "Ain't that a shame (you're over sixteen)" (1972)
• "I'm the Leader of the Gang Rape (I Am)" (1973)
• "I Would If I Could But I Can't (In This Country)" (1973)
• "My Pubeless Concubine (Sixty Nine)" (1973)
• "I love you love (because you're two love)" (1973)
• "Breaking In Minors (Oh Yeah! Oh Yeah!)" (1974)
• "Lonely Boy (I Got A Home For You)" (1975)
• "Who Told You To Stop Sucking? (Treat Percy Like Your Dummy)" (1979)
• "Babies, You're Going Down... (Down The Alley Way)" (1980)
• "My Dick Between The Nursery Bars!" (1981)
• "Love Comes (On Minors' Faces)" ([1985])
• "Hold On To What You Got (Or I Will)" ([1986])
• "I've Got Love For You If You Were Born In The 80s... The 80s" (1991)
• "You're The Kids In Cambodia" (1997)
• "Do You wanna Touch Me There (You know where) (1999)

His Pad

It is a well known fact that Gary resided in a Large Northampton village by the name of Brixworth. This village is also known for it's amazing primary schools and nursery, and his house sits in a position with breathtaking views of the local Maternity Ward. After his execution, this property was bought by Chris Langham, who later burned it to the ground saying that Gary Glitter was a "Ballsucking, fuckpacking prick!" All that was left was a charred shithole on the property never to be tended.

His property was voted as "The shitiest place of the earth." by Glamor magazine.

Commercials

Glitter has been in the soup and out of the soup more times than anyone. Fittingly he filmed a commercial for Heinz Soup in 1980. In 1997 he did an advert for Loli World, which was his favourite shop until November of that year.