New York (state)
|New York: The Big Apple Empire|
(And Adjacent Territory)
Map of New York
|Capital:||New York City|
|Government:||Mafia, Cosa Nostra|
|Population:||10 million (more if you believe people live upstate)|
|Official Languages:||City: Pretty much everything. Upstate (rumored):English, Yiddish, French Canadian, Newscaster Midwestern|
|State Motto:||"The Greatest City In The World"|
"Excelsior!" (Alternate motto proposed by Stan Lee)
|Nicknames:||"The Big Apple", "The Empire State", "Oh, you mean New York City?"|
|Principal Imports:||Immigrants, investment brokers (a.k.a. gamblers), yuppies|
|Principal Exports:||Cows, dairy products, wine, comedians, garbage|
|Climate:||Not quite as cold and snowy as Canada or Minnesota but that's not saying much|
“Tell ya what, gimmie a 20 and I didn't see no hit and run”
“Satch, dis here ain't doit. Dis is cerl.”
New York allegedly has a governor and a two-house legislature, but such claims are hotly debated: most New Yorkers will say that the active seat of government lies with the Mayor and with the United Nations. Those who deny the existance of the legislature point to the absence of a state budget for the last 25 years. Historical records of the existence of the Legislature have been brought forward to explain this discrepancy, the earliest such dating back to the Continental Congress of Philidelphia in 1776. The reference was given by delegate Lewis Morris to acting President John Hancock: "Mr. President, have you ever been present at a meeting of the New York legislature? They speak very fast and very loud, and nobody listens to anybody else, with the result that nothing ever gets done." 
By the most reliable accounts, the Legislature of New York has continued this fine historical tradition. The last known public works project attributed to the government was Clinton's Ditch, a canal connecting New York City to the Great Lakes through the Upstate Wildlands. The canal brought trade and prosperity to the area: the primary goods carried along it were grain, apples, garbage, scrap metal and interns. The position of governor in New York has long been held in disrepute: a sampling of governors over the past three decades include a failed talk radio pundit, a sex addict and a blind man.
Rudy Giuliani is no longer the mayor. Some rich guy by the name of Doomberg has been the mayor for a while. He has the odd habit of riding his SUV to the subway station, taking the subway, and then doing the Hokey Pokey before settling down at work in his Tammany Hall office. Meanwhile, bums have taken up the art of sleeping in parks and Penn Station. The owner of the Madison Square Garden, which has been fucking Penn Station since the 1960s, has said he was "not moving" (apparently the Garden has already come and is now asleep). Grand Central Station has called out "ha ha!" to Penn Station because of this.
The New York Post is the most trustworthy paper in the city. It labels all Democrats as heroes, Gods, and lovers, all Republicans as jagoffs and fags, and it gives a lot of semi-true crime stories about your mom having fun with her aunt's friend's old boyfriend in public. Its great rival is the [[Daily News[[, and when politics is in season (as it often is) the two papers take opposite sides as they prepare to wrestle.
Doomberg passed a law to make it possible to run for a third term even though it was previously illegal so that he could make the city a brand new piss hole and a bum vacation destination.
Sights and Smells
What is that smell? All of the Italian's armpits tightly packed into a city of 14 Billion people and rabies infested cats.
Clean up NY
A recent campaign to get New Yorkers to recycle was launched by Oscar the Grouch of 123.25 Sesame Street ("oooh, a lot of garbage to concentrate and add to my house"). When asked for comment he said "BITCH I LIVE IN A FUCKIN' TRASH CAN". (The media interpreted this as "declining to comment".) Rudy Giuliani is a friend from higher places known as the city government wanting to help his city, but soon Oscar the grouch disappeared from sight and was declared "missing" until one day his body and trash can was found in the East River.
The campaign said "do your part to clean up New York, Recycle." But the campaign actually caused people to litter because they know its gonna take a lot more than recycling to clean up NY. Anyhow, they're busy seeing something and saying something because of 9/11, whatever that was. (I heard legends about some large and famous building falling down, but such myths must have been muddled over the ages. Since when do large objects fall down, especially if famous?)
Most of the population of New York resides in and around New York City. Those that are rich enough but not rich enough to build skyscrapers at the city's astronomical land prices tend to migrate to other parts of surrounding Long Island where the beaches aren't too covered in trash floating in from the sea.
Beyond New York City lies the yuppie wonderland of Westchester County, including the cities of Yonkers, White Plains, Mount Vernon, and New Rochelle, as well as numerous samaller towns, More recently, the yuppies have felt the need to push northward to the extent of "Dutchess County", citing the lack of sticks to jam up their assholes.
The land north and west of Westchester is collectively known as the Upstate Wildlands, usually shortened to "Upstate". Although Upstate makes up the largest portion of land in the New York territories, very little is actually known about it. Historians believe that before the white man came it was inhabited by the Iriquois, a larger and much smarter nation of Indian tribes who would never have sold Manhattan for such a low price. But many of them made the mistake of siding with the British in the American Revolution, so the Americans killed a lot of them and helped start a civil war to break up the rest. Over the next 200 years, adventurers and opportunists flocked to Upstate, mostly along the Hudson River and Clinton's Ditch. However, through the mid 20th century the used as a dumping ground by General Electric (along the Hudson and Mohawk rivers), Kodak (along Lake Ontario and the lesser known Hooker Chemical Company (which polluted its territory, the Love Canal, with tons of toxic STDs, leading to many birth defects). This dumping of toxic materials in the land between White Plains and Canada allegedly made Upstate uninhabitable for any life.
Since tougher environmental laws have been passed, a few people are again beginning to remember that Upstate exists and are daring to venture there again. It's major regions (and what little is known of them) include:
- General Upstate: Never live here. Ever.
- The Hudson River Valley: Most of this territory is claimed by New York City, although conflicting claims have been made by stakeholders in the Albany region. As such, the southern Valley is seen as a continuation of Westchester, but with more cows.
- The Catskill Mountians: New York's smaller and less famous mountian range, The Catskills were a long-respected vacation destination of New York entertainers. In spite of the heavy Yiddish influence, no one is really sure why the area was called the "Borcht Belt".
- The Capital District: This may seem like a misnomer - everyone knows New York City is the capital - but early in New York's history, a splinter group of Dutch settlers broke off from Manhattan and founded the city of Albany (named by the British after they took it over), claiming it as the new capital. The Governor and the Legislature are rumored to have their seat here. Albany is surrounded by several adjacent slums, including the cities of Schenectady (HQ of General Electric) and Troy. Nearby Saratoga survives as a yuppie outpost, funded mostly by the horse racetrack, which since Victorian times has made city streets impassible during the month of August, where and when a major race, the Travers Stakes, has continued to be held every year and broadcast on TV in spite of the waste-dumping crisis.
- The Adirondack Mountians: The Adirondacks, it turns out, were saved from environmental catastrophe because 19th century environmentalists got to it first - the air isn't poluted and you can actually drink from its many small lakes without dying. The Southern Adirondacks are continually engaged in border conflicts with neighboring Vermont over who gets the most tourist dollars. The Northern Adirondacks are a vast wilderness, sparsely inhabited by mountain men and French-Canadian invaders from Quebec to the north (an invasion most people forgive because they bring butter tarts with them). Many Adirondackers will call these Candian invaders assholes for no exact reason but their extremely horrible driving skills.
- The Thousand Islands: A mostly insignificant region of New York west of the Adirondacks (and with way fewer tourists) along the border with Canada at the St. Lawrence River. It's main claim to fame is Thousand Island salad dressing and it's key historical contribution was being a smugglers' haven for transporting Canadian booze during Prohibition.
- Northern New York: An extremely insignificant region of New York north of the Adirondacks, which looks like a cross between Appalachia and Nebraska. Rednecks and the Amish. Kids from Lawn Guyland go to college up here, especially to the Crane School of Music (which is not in Germany) and Clarkson University. Getting up to Northern New York takes forever because you are usually stuck between an Amish buggy or a farm tractor that smells like manure. Northern New York can be considered New York's Siberia or New York's hat, just like how Canada is America's hat.
- So-Called-Central New York: Because New York City is the actual center of the universe, but this is the geographical center of Upstate. A snowy wasteland that allegedly contains the fabled Greek and Italian cities of Syracuse, Utica and Rome, long buried under several feet of lake effect snow.
- The Finger Lakes Region: Primarily known as a producer of wine. Legend has it that while their husbands were busy getting drunk, their wives snuck off to Seneca Falls to start plotting how to get the vote, and their eventual overthrow of the patriarchy. Legend also has it that the Mormons sprung into being here, coming out in droves from the ground of the sacred Cumorah Hill, and received the Book of Mormon on gold tablets from the heavens (much better than stone tablets). Thousands of pilgrims flock back to the spot every year to re-enact the event and hold massive door-knocking parties. Rochester, the home of the ruins of Kodak, sits to the northwest on Lake Ontario.
- The Southern Tier: Mostly rural land that has been at least partly absorbed by Western Pennsylvania. People here call Binghamton "The City" because they're too far removed from New York City to know any better and because it's the only thing resembling a real city for miles around.
- Buffalo-Niagara: The area around Buffalo and Niagara Falls would be a frozen wasteland like Central New York if it weren't for a few important differences: the trade brought in by Clinton's Ditch, the power of Niagara Falls to provide both electricity and tourist dollars to warm homes, and the invention of the buffalo spicy chicken wing, which when combined with beer, is protection against any extreme climate. Somehow, Buffalo also claims a major football team, the Buffalo Bills, whose tribe of fanboys spread as far east as the Syracuse region. They're heralded as four-time AFC Champions because no one likes to say that they lost the Super Bowl four times in a row.
- Lawn Guyland:Lawn Guyland is da best part of da New York State. Ju could get some good cawfee, walk your dawg at some parks, or take your dawghter to the Hamptons for her sweet sixteen. Oh yeah, JLo lives her.
- Western New York: This spot is GREAT. If you were to move someone move West in New York because there is tons of farms and I mean TONS of farms.
Export of Comedians and Celebrities
To understand the appeal of New York-born entertainment (many of them allegedly part of the Zionist Conspiracy), it is important to understand the NYC attitude. A graphic example from real life, Moshie meets Ira, sees his long face, and asks, "Ira! Why you look sad?" Ira shrugs and says, "Two weeks ago my uncle died!" Moshie is sorry to hear this until Ira says, "Yes, but he left me four million dollars!" Moshie says, "great! So why you look so sad?" Ira replies, "Well, last week my grandmother died!" Moshie is sorry to hear this until Ira says, "Yes, but she left me nine million dollars!" Moshie says, "great! So why you look so sad?" Ira replies,"This week, nothing!"
Because Wall Street has had one of its many hangovers, NY owes New jersey some money (or maybe Uncle Sam owes everyone some money). That money comes to the total of $4.5 trillion. You DO have the money right? NO? Well, I AM SHOCKED! I mean when I gave you that money, I was doing YOU a personal favor. I mean I said have the money by Friday, or I break your legs. But, alas, I must look like Marcellus Wallace cause your treating me like a bitch. Anyhow, Enough Chit-Chat. Vito, hand me my bat. (whack!) Analogy, New York is like Lindsay Lohan. Spend your money on bullshit, have a lot of sex, and get away with everything because you are from "the world's greatest city."
- "Lewis Morris at the Continental Congress", Broadway Press, 1776
- New York City
- New York accent
- New York Yankees
- New York Mets
- New York Jets
- New York Times
- God vs. New York
- 1846 Uncyclopedia Convention at Aurora, New York
- 1901 Uncyclopedia Supreme Symposium Spectacular at Buffalo, New York
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