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Philadelphia

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The majestic city of brotherly love, before and after the Greek liberation, circa 1209.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania is a large moose capital that was built on the ruins of another Carpathian village which was demolished by ancient Greek colonists in 1207. The destruction was swift and widespread largely because the city was built with grease, cream cheese, and lies. It is the home of the Philadelphia Iggles and some other sports teams.

And about them Greeks, they like the Swedes so much, no wonder the Swedes lost their only colony in North America.

Philadelphia's Greatest Contribution to the World

Breakin' Benjamins? I'll break your ass! — Benjamin Franklin, quoted in Poor Richard's Almanac

Philadelphia's greatest contribution to the world is the Philly cheesesteak sandwich, which was invented by Benjamin Franklin in 1776 and tastes surprisingly transcendent. As the great Quacker influx of 1770 occurred, the hopes and dreams of better, tax-laden lives that the pilgrims carried with them were laced with Typhoid. This Typhoid ultimately caused an epidemic (Philadelphonia) that killed off much of the crops in late 1775, leading to widespread food shortage. On the brink of starvation and faced with the thought of only Quaker Oats to eat, a young Ben Franklin got an idea. Putting to bed for a while his stupid invention of electricity, he took the rotting remains of a diseased cow and sliced off a few thin slivers of beef from the steer's shaven underside using a simple edged dagger. Combining this with Cheese Whiz he purchased from the local ACME and wagon axle grease, he stuffed the concoction into a roll from the local bread maker, Ferdinand Donovan Amoroso, thus creating the first "Cheesesteak." Much earlier debate regarding Franklin's greatest invention ever ultimately led to his beatification in 1982.

Benjamin Franklin was by far the greatest thing that has ever happened to Philadelphia. In fact, he is the only good thing that has ever happened in Philadelphia. A true renaissance man, he is rightfully credited with every single thing ever created in Philadelphia. Adding to his impressive aforementioned list of achievements, Ben Franklin invented the typewriter, Delaware, condoms (his active sexual life made it difficult for him to retain all his magic sperm, which is rumored to have super powers), scrapple (traditional Philly meal made of scraps of meat), crapple (traditional Philly meal made of pieces of crap; the only food an average Philadelphia resident can afford), lightning (which he sold to Zeus in return for being able to fuck Aphrodite at any time he pleases) and a long list of other monumental shit. Franklin even invented crack cocaine, which he showed to Thomas Jefferson sometime in early summer of 1776. After smoking rocks for a few weeks, Franklin and Jefferson had determined that the British suck monkey balls and need to get their bitch asses kicked. They decided to store the remainder of the stash in the bell of a local synagogue, which has since become a city landmark. In fact, Benjamin Franklin has done so much work for his believed city that since his times no one in Philadelphia has ever bothered to do any work whatsoever. As of today, the city's unemployment hovers at around 95%, an unusually low figure that has not been seen for decades. Philadelphia residents honor their great benefactor by snorting crack, which has since become the city's favorite pastime and has been chosen as Pennsylvania's State Bird.

Some document was also signed there around the same time which allows anyone to draw cartoons of the Prophet Mohammed with a bomb on his head.

Politics

The Philadelphia City Charter, adopted in 1957, sets forth the terms upon which the city's government is structured. The government is headed by a Mayor, and other branches of the city government include the city council, the Eagles court, the [of Licenses, Bribes, Permits and Graft], and the City Ombudsman. Prior to 1998, the City Charter specified that only members of the Democratic Party were eligible to hold office in city government; following a legal challenge to this rule, the charter was amended to also permit members of other parties to hold office, as long as the officeholder is dead.

Law enforcement

Main article: Philadelphia Police Department

Other details: Death, Failure and Racism.

Sports

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For the uncouth among us who choose lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Philadelphia.
The menacing "Herbert Mullet" glowering down upon the peaceful city

Around some time before today, Philadelphia was once a glorious sports town. For a span of 400 years (1900 to 1983), Philadelphia sports and recreation teams dominated all sports throughout the United States as well as the universe. The big four sports leagues, Football, Baseball, Cricket, and the other two were controlled solely by Philly-based organizations and clubs. Even the Women's 4x400 crocheting national Really Super Championship was won by the Philadelphia Phingers in their first year. Throughout the late 1970's and early 1980's, Philadelphia teams won consistently and made it boring for citizens to live life. The Mayor decided to invoke an ancient curse placed on the city by its founder, William Penn. Known for his eccentric mullet, Penn declared "...that no building shall contain a mullet taller than mine lest all sports dominance shall be relinquished forever."

In 1983, the last year in which one of the teams would win a national championship for decades, Mayor "Electric Jack" McMaster, possibly drunk on power and kitten huffing, erected the Comcrap Building and placed his own youthful likeness atop it. In a sick twist of genius, he proceeded to purchase all of the local sports teams through Comcrap Enterprises and exclusively televise the teams through their own television station. These fateful actions effectively sealed the fate of Philadelphia sports teams' fate FOREVER. Not only had the now superior Mullet cast a virtual and actual shadow on William Penn's glistening locks, but all of Philadelphia was doomed to view the disappointing sporting events on Comcrap until the end of time.

Philadelphia is also the US capital of the sport of kiddy fiddling, due to short sighted child molesters looking for books on "Paedophelia" incorrectly identifying "Philadelphia" travel books as such.

Philadelphia has always stunk in sports with the exception of the National Hockey League's Flyers. They are a once-proud franchise which, due mainly to terrible player management decisions stretching back over a decade -- signing John Vanbiesbrouck instead of Curtis Joseph, for example -- by a over-concussed former Captain, has been reduced to somewhat of a laughingstock. ("A keeper, a keeper; my kingdom for a keeper!") Of course, even The Beezer would have been preferable to the tandem of Snow & Hextall . . .

The NFL's Eagles franchise was, for a time, the proud employer of perennial sportsmanship exemplar Terrell Owens. Owens brought many a smile to both teammates & fans alike, but has chosen to drag his Roadshow of Harmony to Texas where he plans on having a hot chick explain why he has 25,000,000 reasons to never attempt suicide.

The Philadelphia Phillies, the city's major league baseball team, achieved in 2007 the distinction of having lost 10,000 games in its franchise history. A radio station even commemorated the losses by dropping 10,000 marbles down the Rocky steps. The Phillies accomplished this through over a century of mediocrity, including losing games in which the team did not even play. Notable losses include nearly every important game in the 1964 season, the 1983 World Series, the 1993 World Series and the 2007 Preakness.

In addition to crappy sports teams, Philadelphia has absolute lunatics for sports fans. Rather than admit the obvious fact that the Philly sports owners care far more about exploiting the fan loyalty and stuffing their own pockets than actually winning anything, the fans stick with the teams for fear of losing their friends, but still have subconscious knowledge of the above. As a result they beat up fans of other teams in the manner of closeted and tortured homosexuals beating up flamers to look more heterosexual. There have been 5 major massacres in Philadelphia sports history, 3 of which were during the early to mid 1940's. 6 million opposing fans were killed. Philadelphia sports fans are not always obnoxious. For example, in 1968 they made a heroic statement against the increasing commercialization and consumerism of Christmas by throwing snowballs at a man dressed up as Santa Claus.

Diction

Philadelphians have noticeably horrible diction. For example: Chiljrun, w-d ya like sum wooder? Cawfee? Aeggs? Want sum fryes withat? Lasnigh-I rode my dunkey wagun to the Wawa -nNu Bri-ain Tuhnshp t-buy a hoagie. 'Twas th-best hoagie on thi-side of the Schuylkill, even better th-n a Philly cheesesteak! How 'bout one-a them jawns? I know, I tawk all weird and ye dunno what I'm sayin'.

Prominent Citizens

  • Rocky - Ralph "Rocky" Balboa (born 1944) is an American boxer who intermittently held the heavyweight boxing title over a ten-year period beginning in 1976. He was immortalized through a series of film documentaries, which chronicled his inside- and outside-the-ring trials. Balboa is famous for his bulldog tenacity, fighting with lots of heart, and sweaty training montages overdubbed with Christopher Cross hits.
  • Terrell Owens a giant crybaby that does not deserve to play for the NFL...henceforth he is currently playing for the feminine Dallas Cowgirls.
  • The former Mayor of Philadelphia is John Street. He is not a street as his name would imply, but a person. However, an actual street would probably do a better job running the city than this excuse for a mayor.
  • Todd Rundgren, Also Known As 'The God of Pop' (After Michael Jackson became King of Pop).
  • Native Philadelphian Abu-Jamal and Dave Coulier are just "good friends"
    Tony Hawk can often be seen in downtown Philadelphia, in that one park with all the statues in it. He boardslides around on telephone lines and does manuals through the subway station instead of walking like a normal person. You can trip him, but you're gonna get hurt.


  • G Love makes his own special sauce. He plays guitar and sings, at least once a day. If he doesn't, he dies. He is the lead guitarist for the Curious George Seven.
  • Mike Rawch is the assistant work manager at Big Crauch's Homeware Depot.
  • That one homeless guy that bums you for change. Trust me, he's pretty prominent. And there's more than one of him. Much, much more. Usually African-American, though the Caucasian ones are usually even freakier-looking. Missing all or more teeth. Never satisfied with the money you give him. He often can be spotted in front of Wawa, protecting his territory from them "cracker ass junkies". His main tagline is "What's the best nation in the world?". Surprise him that you know the answer, "A Donation" and then walk away while he stares confusedly at your "Jersey cracker ass".

Neighborhoods

Philadelphia is a city of neighborhoods. This may account for the ethnic and racial violence that is exhibited from time to time.

Center City

Center City is home to many thriving shops.

If you want a smaller version of one of New York's many shopping districts then look no further! Clothing store after clothing store, you'll never have a problem finding clothes! This section of the city was once very rundown, however real estate is now booming and everyone wants condos! You know Liberty Tower, those two huge blue buildings synonymous with Philadelphia's skyline? They are built on the remains of a porn theatre. Liberty Tower is great for anyone who wants to buy clothes, or eat in a food court. Center City is now stigmatized as being a "rich neighborhood" because it's been cleaned up a lot since the 1980s and everyone wants REAL ESTATE!

The Rittenhouse Square area, for example, is extremely expensive. Fifteen years ago, Rittenhouse Square was a place you'd go if you had a fetish for being beaten up and mugged, or if you made a living panhandling while pretending to be disabled. Now, you go to Rittenhouse Square if you want to eat in an overpriced outdoor restaurant and sneer at people walking on your sidewalk. Damn pedestrians. The area is also popular for weird 20 year olds who stand around trying to get people to vote or join their commune. They'll ask your age and when you say that you aren't 18 they'll call bullshit and ask for the year you were born. Unless you're a math whiz, or actually are under 18, you won't be able to answer immediately because you'll be trying to calculate a year which works. When traveling around Center City it is best to have a year already planned in the back of your head.

Rittenhouse Square also attracts bicycle messengers, much like a bright outdoor light attracts moths. The messengers congregate in large groups, then do nothing. Scientists are still studying this as yet unexplained phenomenon.

Center City is a great place to visit if you like rich snobs, clothing stores, and large buildings. (NB - If you plan to stay longer than 20 minutes be sure sure to carry excessive amounts of cash with you because you will invariably be taxed or fined for something)

Comcast Center

Yeah, it's tall. Yeah, it's reflective. Get at me, nigga. Let's see your city top this. Back to business.

South Philadelphia

One of South Philadelphia's famous Italian eateries.

Have you ever watched The Sopranos and thought to yourself, "Wow it would be so awesome to be in the Mafia!" Well then head down to South Philly. Every single Italian stereotype is pulled from there, or Brooklyn, the Bronx, or North Jersey. Now you can be around authentic REAL Italians with tough accents! Imagine that! Yous all could be actin tuff in da neighborhood wit da fam'ly! Get some pizza and cheesesteaks to top it off! Get some "wooder" to wash it down! Your suburban WASP friends will never believe you. Home to a massive open-air market where you can buy, among other things, live goats. Topics not suggested for discussion:

  • Italian ethnic slurs
  • (Your Favorite Team) is better than the Eagles. In fact, never say this anywhere.
  • Unions aren't all that great.

Have you ever watched any movies or music videos about gangstas and thought to yourself, "Wow it would be so awesome to be in a gang surrounded by daily violence!" Well then head down to South Philly west of Broad Street. You'll find too much of it. Point Breeze makes North Philly look like a nice suburban neighborhood in comparison.

Art Museum Area

This area includes the Art Museum. Look around for a bit, it looks a lot like a certain French city. The Parkway which leads all the way up to the Art Museum, is shamelessly ripped off of Paris' Champs-Élysées. Around the area are many other museums as well. Why is the area famous? For starters, Rocky immortalized it by running up the steps of the Art Museum, but nobody ever actually goes inside. Seriously, it's going to go bankrupt. Also Live 8 was held there. Behind the Art Museum is the Schuylkill River (pronounced "sku-cul", though nobody knows how or why), where people row and ride their bikes. Of course riding your bikes on the bike path next to the river is only recommended if you enjoy other cyclists who don't understand the concept of "family bike path" and how it differs from a "race." Also you may need to have a high tolerance for people who simply don't understand that the term "bike path" actually implies bikes are permitted to be ridden. If you plan to drive to Plymouth Meeting along the Schuylkill River highway, make sure it's not at quitting time on a Friday. Especially if your dad is driving you to a date that was just moved to the Plymouth Meeting Mall at the last second, but that was full so they moved it to the "great" northeast.

North Philadelphia

What's there to say about North Philadelphia? It successfully became synonymous with black people and it's now the area you don't want to park your car in or drive through at night all. Since Philadelphia police laugh hysterically when people get mugged, Temple University must maintain its own air force and army just to protect its students from the hostile gang members. Temple University has the single largest standing army in the continent of North America. That's the city of Brotherly Love for you.

The typical North Philadelphia house has distinctive wooden boards over the windows, holes in the roof to let in the breeze in place of air conditioning (and guess what? There's no carbon footprint!), and has not been inhabited since the time when Sylvester Stalone was actually considered cool. And that's just North Philadelphia west of Broad St. You should see the scary neighborhood east of Broad St.

Kensington

Okay, I've lied. North Philadelphia is not only synonymous with black people. It is also synonymous with Irish people. Kensington Avenue (especially where it meets Alleghany Avenue) is a great place to pick up hookers, or heroin. Or get shot. Watch out for the angry drunk Irishmen and Puerto Ricans there. Aren't we a great city? Stereotypes, sex and violence. In defense of North Philadelphia, those Center City minivan moms can get pretty violent as well. Along with those Mercedes driving rich guys who nearly hit me that one time because they don't understand the concept of a traffic light.

Fishtown

Originally named for the distinct rotten fish smell that permeates the area, Fishtown is now the "Up and Coming" neighborhood of Philadelphia. It's called that because when you get there, you're "coming up" on Kensington, and it's about time to turn around before you get shot. Fishtown strives to be Northern Liberties, a bustling neighborhood full of artists, bars, and empty blocks. In that respect, it's doing pretty well, except it doesn't have any artists. Until then, Fishtownies can continue to tell everyone how much it's "up and coming", because nobody will know they're lying, since nobody has any good reason to go to Fishtown anyway. Except if you're looking to score some heroin, assuming you couldn't find any in Kensington, which is not likely.

Port Richmond

The Little Poland of Philly. You can get some Polish kielbasa and perogies, just avoid Polack jokes...or some crazy huge Polish dude named Czeslaw and his local pub buddies will pummel you.

The Dark Part of Town (it can be any part of Philly)

Bill Cosby slept here, but not in a city jail cell.

City Hall and the Gallery

City Hall and the surrounding areas are a commonplace for everyone. Subways, people, everyone bustling around, it's one of those places where a lot of people end up. A lot of stores are around along with some hotels. The stores are generally Dunkin Donuts, department stores, jewelry stores, or stores which sell brands of clothing such as Rocawear and Sean Jean. Stolen or fake jewelry is abundant on the street, along with real jewelry in the stores.

This area is also home to The Gallery, a big urban mall where it's common to hang out. Only instead of it being a hangout for suburban private school students, it's where public school students from all over come to gather. The homeless near the Gallery are unusually aggressive, even for Philadelphia. The Gallery, like most malls, drains you of your serotonin level when entered, but it is quickly regained when you realize you won't be around a bunch of annoying white, gothic, suburban, teenage mallrats. It also helps that there's a GameStop. This is also where Love Park is, you know the place where people skateboard. Or used to. The sport was killed by the government and the year 2000.

Many decry the fact that it was the MOVE cult headquarters that was bombed from the air and not the Gallery. Current proposals to seal the Gallery an hour after school lets out and flood the entire building with nerve gas are being considered, but the city has already blown its budget for mass murder of its own citizens, so it's a distant shot.

Chinatown

The place where millions of Asians don't get the fuck out of your way.

Right nearby the Gallery and its surroundings is Chinatown. What makes Chinatown so good? Two words: Wing Wang's Peking Duck House (9th and Winter, right near the Vine St Expressway). Well that's five words but most people only refer to it as Sang Kee so you can keep your comments to yourself.

Chinatown is also just a cool place to get imported Asian things, like syphilis. Or opium. Yay opium dens! (Now with booths in the Reading Terminal Market.) The area is often frequented by underage suburban kids looking for places to drink without being carded and not realizing that 1 ) the majority of the city's restaurants are BYOB and 2) most of the dive bars outside of center city don't card ever (but God forbid they venture into North or South Philly...oooo, scary).

Chinatown is an excellent place to poison yourself because you're drunk, incapable of making informed decisions regarding what you're eating and Chinatown has the only places open.

University City

Contrary to popular belief and empirical fact, University City does not actually exist (except on maps, street signs, city government records, and the records of the University City District). The area known as University City successfully seceded from West Philadelphia to establish their own edutopia, led by the University of Pennsylvania and its comic but borderline retarded sidekick, Drexel University. There are a bunch of things you might expect to find at a college campus such as food courts, tennis courts, bookstores, and movie theatres. There is also a place where you can buy cereal, only cereal (this is actually true). Now that's clever and alternative enough to attract preppy college kids - oh and lets not forget the stoners who have the munchies and thick wallets!

West Philadelphia

Unique for having been firebombed from a police helicopter by the city government in 1985 (this is actually true, killing 11 people and devastating a historic working class city block), West Philadelphia is famous for being the home of the University of Pennsylvania and the birthplace of Will Smith and Wilt Chamberlain. The local diet consists of halal, cheesesteaks, and babies. Visiting is not recommended due to a very high probability of getting shot, raped and murdered.

Recently the area has been infested by a variety of Crust Punks and other lower primates. While friendly, these creatures sadly lack the ability to communicate vocally. Instead, use a stick. Also, hold your nose, as the stench that emanates from these beings is generally unbearable and has been rumored to cause respiratory infections.

also home to the great Mountain TheHoleInTheA**, which is really a volcano. - an example of the local dialect spoken (and written) here, the worst case of the English language.

Also it has an Indian reservation, actually a really beaten up section of town called "Lenapehoking" by the ethnic Native American people. In April, a few of them were drunk during a protest for "Indian rights" and began to start throwing rocks, smashing windows and threatened white police officers.

The Great Northeast

Basically, the only sane part of the city left....I guess...maybe not.

Now, one can only assume that this "neighborhood" was named out of sarcasm. If you go out far enough, this looks like some run down blue collar suburb. But it isn't a blue collar suburb, it's the Northeast. It's a fun place to drive to if you feel like a nice one hour drive to somewhere not even outside of your own city. Otherwise known as the "N'East" by residents or ex-residents. The neighborhood is also known as "N'Easty", a word denoting a propensity for comfort with strip malls, bleak futures, miles and miles of row-homes, and winding, unnavigable roads.

Northeast Philadelphia frequently discusses breaking away from Philadelphia proper, making it the Quebec of Southeastern Pennsylvania.

The Northeast's primary product is boredom and a crippling inferiority complex regarding its relation to the rest of the city, i.e. the parts someone gives a shit about.

The Northeast is also home to many, many upstanding policemen who were chosen to be among Philly's finest for their aptitude at being white guys from the Northeast.

The Northeast excels in arson, a method by which stores, restaurants and other establishments that are no longer profitable transition to their next phase. As an example, Ham the Man grocery, Bauer's bakery, Pennypack Flowers, etc.

Mt. Airy

Mount Airy is famous for being the third most Jewish place on Earth, and created quite a stir a few years back when it actually seceded from the union to join Israel. Famous for having fairly large, nice houses with two kitchen sinks, one for meat, one for dairy products. Home to a few nomadic tribes of black people. Also home to a trolley car diner, which is quite nice if you happen to be a connoisseur of deep-fried rat.

Mount Airy also contains an unusually large number of hippies. They refuse to recognize that any other part of the city exists, and never leave the neighborhood unless their lives depend on it.

Germantown

Psssst--There are no Germans here! This neighborhood is one of the nicer residential options as it has a nice big park where people still occasionally come across skeletons and unexploded ordinance left over from the American Revolution. It is also home to those Jews who for whatever reason do not live in neighboring Mount Airy. (Really!). However, it is also home to more Nation of Islam Mosques than Las Vegas is home to casinos, which obviously creates some conflict.

Chestnut Hill

The WASP capital this side of Nantucket (besides the Main Line). Chestnut Hill is home to several crazy old street people, many more wealthy alcoholics, gourmet dog food stores, bead shops, used record places, tiny family-owned grocery stores, coffee shops, and 97 places to cash a check. The rowhouses are all several centuries old, and the other houses are all the size of a small village.

Old City

Also spelled Olde City by pretentious misspellers, this is the area of Philadelphia where everything historical seems to have occurred. Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell are located here. There are plenty of small shops, museums and historical sites to visit and a fun day can be had by all, old and young, in this area, provided you don't mind waiting in more lines than Disneyland due to new-found security measures in place. Now it's just boring.

There are horses though, with carriages. This is amazingly awesome the first time you see it. Then it's just another site, with the added bonus that it produces feces capable of being stepped in. It it also recommended that you wear boots in Old City during daytime hours, lest your shoes and socks be drenched by an unanticipated flood of horse urine. The most famous resident is the legendary guy-who-dresses-up-as-Benjamin Franklin.

At night this mediocre tourist trap for families is transformed into a mediocre nightlife trap for girls from New Jersey with bad hair. Do not approach them. They all have herpes. Every single one.

Society Hill

This is a fairly upper middle class neighborhood near Old City and The Gallery area. Its unnatural darkness at night, illuminated only by yellow street lamps is enough to give someone the creeps and haunt their dreams. Brick is the building material and mugging weapon of choice in this area. At the southern end of this district they have erected a gate ostensibly to keep out the residents of the rest of the city. The Inscription above the gate reads "Here thar be yuppies" in olde yuppish (latin).

South Street

What can be said about South Street? It's a place you can walk around and buy stuff. This is one of the only places in the city where you run a pretty low risk of getting shot and bumrushed, since the city's abundant deranged violent crackheads are scared off by local Starbucks, yoga shops, rastas, and all that other sissy stuff. Besides, the emo alternative goths or whatever the fuck are real wusses, despite their "badass" tattoos and collars and the rest of Hot Topic products. This relative safety ("relative" is as good as it gets anywhere in Philly) has resulted in making the place one of the city's most popular tourist destinations. Now your choices on items include tattoos, CDs, sex toys, wiccan paraphernilia, skateboards, alternative clothing, and yogic knick-knacks. At night you can get drunk at the bars, and meet beautiful women. It's Philadelphia's mainstream fauxhemian area. There is also frequent flashers, mooners, and sunners. South Street also has the city's highest concentration of cops, since here they are almost safe from being shot at, slept on, bitten and/or begged for change. Besides hipsters and tourists, you may spot goombah guido South Philly guys that venture too far north up 9th Street (aka the Italian Market) and North Philly brothers just looking for a reason to not be in North Philly.

In 2004, South Street was designated as Philadelphia's official wilding district.

2nd Street

The Irish neighborhood of South Philly. Also known as Two Street. If you call it 2nd street, you're a terrorist. Home to many Mummers (aka Irish mobsters that dance in funny costumes once a year). Quite popular with out-of-towners for its convenient existence as I-95.

Unconventional traffic laws

Traffic "laws" in Philadelphia are the barest of guidelines. The drivers are so free spirited that every traffic light comes with printed instructions

  • Pedestrians are fair game (but only in crosswalks anywhere on the road). Also penguins.
  • Drivers will either a) steadfastly refuse to turn right on a red signal (if you are behind them) or b) ignore the signal altogether and cruise right on through (if doing so would put them in your path). They might honk while doing this, so as you are crushed beneath the wheels of a 1992 Honda Accord with a smashed headlight and no muffler don't say you weren't warned.
  • The solid white lines that delimit the shoulder in most jurisdictions have a different meaning in the Philadelphia area. Here, they indicate convenient (possibly even paved) extensions of turning lanes (kids: check your mirrors before entering the real turning lane!), an extra passing lane to get around those pesky conformists during rush hour (3am to midnight), or the "thrill zone" where you can play "chicken" with merging traffic.
  • Road lines are only a reminder of the direction the road is going. Drivers are encouraged to drift across the road heedlessly in order to cut time from their trips.
  • Stop signs are optional. Rolling through stop signs at speeds of up to 20mph is called the South Philly Slide or Philly Roll.
  • Yellow lights actually mean floor it.
  • Left turn lanes can be used as passing lanes when a light first turns green.
  • The Philadelphia police force does not abide by normal traffic laws and they will shoot anyone or anything that gets in their way.
  • When traffic is backed up due to an accident, it is suggested that drivers use sidewalks as they see fit.
  • Roosevelt Boulevard, or "da bull'vard," is an every-man-for-himself free-for-all. You are encouraged to drive as fast as the laws of physics will allow and never stay in the same lane for more than 3.8 seconds. If you fail to drive in all six lanes in the direction you are going you are sent to driving hell, also commonly called Boston. Also, just because there are concrete islands dividing the six lanes in each direction does not mean you can't drive on them. If the boulevard is backed up and you find yourself in the middle lanes, you are encouraged to drive across the island to get to the outer lanes and attempt to circumvent said traffic jam, only to find yourself back on the boulevard a block further.
  • After a light turns red, the first three cars in line are permitted to make a left turn.
  • There are no one way streets in Philadelphia, directionality is at the discretion of the driver.
  • It's called Kelly Drive. Get over it.

Transportation

SEPTA

SEPTA (from Greek sēptikos, ‘rotten’; capitals officially endorsed for emphasis) is the public transportation system of Philadelphia. Their slogan has been 'Just Getting There' for 40+ years and there are no foreseeable plans to change it, as they are still just getting there. To where, well, not even they know. SEPTA also doubles as the city's sewer system.

SEPTA controls the city's homeless population, buses, trolleys, major business conglomerates, Man Man, subways, scrapple population, and some trains. SEPTA services usually travel at a decent walking pace. They have built their successful business on raising fares (fares have been known to increase during a trip, requiring an additional payment before they'll let you off unless they don't feel in the mood and just let you go without a word) and not stopping to pick up those pesky passengers. SEPTA passengers are commonly referred to as "mass murderers". SEPTA doesn't really exist other than in an alternate dimension as depicted in David Lynch's Dumbland. Often the punchline of the joke, "What's red, white, and blue and smells like black people?"

Most historians agree that SEPTA was created by Joseph Stalin in order to cripple America's industrial capacity.

SEPTA is closed on Sundays.

The Night Owl bus line, which ferries restaurant workers, prostitutes, psychotic drunks, and those recently released from jail to their destinations, is unspeakably frightening. A signed waiver absolving the city and SEPTA from liability in the event of your injury or death is required before boarding.

Amtrak

Amtrak operates the Northeast Corridor, one of the busiest passenger rail services in the United States. It is by far the fastest and most efficient transportation service available, but because of its insanely high prices, it is only used by rich people, tourists, and complete idiots. The concessions are so expensive, Amtrak recently stopped accepting dollars and now only excepts payments in lumps of gold. It costs one lump of gold to get bottled water, two and a half lumps of gold to get a non-frozen hot dog, and six lumps of gold to get a sandwich with two pieces of bread. That's just the prices at 30th Street Station, and the prices on the trains are nearly triple! Amtrak releases the aroma of baked goods such as brownies and muffins into trains until passengers have no choice but to submit to the high prices. Thankfully, the train fares aren't anywhere as expensive as the food, and are a bargain considering SEPTA's excessively slow service. Amtrak has recently unveiled its Price by Speed Plan, in which it charges 10$ for people to board its trains, then forces passengers to each pay another 10$ to go 5 miles per hour faster.

Soon, Amtrak will be unveiling its Price by Weight Plan, in which it will charge people extra money for being overweight. Amtrak will also include exercise bikes on its trains, which will help people lose weight and generate power for the train at the same time. The plan has attracted the attention of major airlines, which say they might implement the plan if it is successful.

Taxis

Taxis in Philadelphia are never there when you need one, but otherwise all around.. kind of like New York. Unlike New York, no prerecorded voice talks to you when you enter the cab, there is a 50% chance the driver won't have a prominently displayed cab driver certificate, there are no seat belts, and the meters are almost always rigged. Also, unlike New York, the taxis aren't prominent and yellow but come in all sorts of color schemes, each one resembling a police car more than actual Philly police cars do. This is done in order to create a stronger visual police presence in the city that could seriously use some more law enforcement.

Recently, credit cards were introduced as a method of payment in all medallion cabs. However, none of the credit card machines work. Experts believe this is the sole cause for Philadelphia's rapidly climbing murder rate.

An interesting phenomenon has developed where a taxi-passenger can have a developed conversation with a taxi-driver, for an extended period of time, but after asking the driver "can I use my credit card" the driver will astonishingly forget all but the mother tongue. Possibly related to taxi-drivers pronounced fear of paying taxes.

Chinatown Bus

Quite possibly the most exciting ride of your life.

Timewarp

Old City is a section of Philadelphia that emulates the old days of the nation's birth canal, in labor (see Neighborhoods, above). By entering Old City, you are actually entering a timewarp. By travelling through time you can transcend space by perambulating yourself into the future at another point. So if it's May 24th, 2006 and you enter Old City you go back to May 24th, 1770. Because of this you have 236 years to get wherever you are going, until you catch up with the future and time works normally again. However, this is still faster than taking SEPTA to the desired destination. Unfortunately the only way out of Old City that doesn't send you back to current time/space is with horsedrawn carriages. The driver, as you travel through time on an intergalactic historical timeway, will describe everything of historical significance which can take almost 90% of the time available. Lunches should be packed.

Fun Facts

  • The speaking accent of Philadelphia natives was once described by researcher D.A. Helweg as: "A series of clicks, wails and low moans. Oh, you said Philadelphia? I thought you said humpback whale."
  • Philadelphia-based pop duo Darryl Hall and John Oates consummated their relationship in a Temple University service elevator. This homosexually charged act inspired their hit single, Maneater.
  • It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia (fuck off, someone had to write that).
  • For some reason, people live in Philadelphia. This is in spite of the fact that the air is not breathable by any living organisms, and the Starship Enterprise (D) lost the last four away teams that they sent there.
  • Philadelphia, unlike other Northeastern cities, has its own very odd climate, with two seasons: dead of winter and fucking hot. Winters are known to dump over 20 feet of snow on the city, which is especially liked by the penguins, but during summer, temperatures rise into the lower 500's. The penguins aren't happy about the fact that it isn't "dry heat" either.
  • Philadelphia was known world-wide as "The City of Brotherly Smells" until Chairman John Street changed the city's slogan to "The City That Shoves You Back, and then Ruins the City", most likely to distract the populace from any one of a number of pay-to-play scandals. The natural odor of Philadelphia is like that of partially-digested pizza, flavored with urine, multiplied through all possible dimensional overtones until it becomes, in effect, a universe of its own. The smell of the public transit system is strong enough to melt time.
  • If you move to Philadelphia you will acquire retroactive birth defects, discover that you are retarded and have always been retarded.
  • It is a common misconception that the fabulous Cincinnati band, Radiohead (composed mainly of Greg Blake, Harrison Weiss, and Jessica Hans) is based in Philadelphia. This is an obvious lie. There is no band called Radiohead. Cincinnati is, however, a unique suburb to the greater united colonies of Philadelphia.
  • 14 people die every day ten seconds when educated of the giant Filludulphiuh Cheez Stake. Japanese scientists claim that the reason of death is excessive child bearing. Lucky educated individuals are striken "barren" after their fifteenth daughter.
  • Philadelphians are the strongest human beings of any race or creed. This is also due to the aforementioned Cheez Stake. And Yuengling Lagers.
  • Bostonians are generally much less educated than Philadelphians. As well as sentence fragments.
  • Philadelphians are fuelled solely by various forms of grease siphoned from the excretions of cheesesteaks, scrapple, Tastykakes, Crown Fried Chicken, and the back alleys of Chinatown. Estimated daily usage is 15,000,000 tons of grease.
  • Philadelphia gave up its title of 'Fattest City' for the title of 'City With Highest Murder Rate.'
  • The Liberty Bell and Independence Hall are not actually located within the boundaries of the city of Philadelphia; they belong to a separate colony surrounded by the rest of the city, much like the relationship between the Vatican and Rome not only because of boundaries but because nobody gives a shit about the Vatican or Independence Hall.
  • Most of Philadelphia's natives attended either Temple or KKF, also known as Kommunity Kollege of Filadelfia.
  • The Schuylkill Expressway is known as the world's largest parking lot.
  • Most Philadelphians refer to the subway as the el.
  • It is believed that when Sun Ra died, his spirit was divided and scattered about the streets during the night, allowing for the city's homeless population to feed upon the pieces and become the race of psychotics most of them are today.

Metropolitan area

Camden, New Jersey

Main article: Camden, New Jersey

As abyssmally shitty as North and West Philly may be, Camden, which is directly across the Delaware from Philly, out-sucks Philadelphia by being essentially an entire city consisting of nothing but The Hood. Venturing outside the Camden Green Zone is NOT recommended. Camden's government, which is comparable to that of Venezuela or Nigeria, consists entirely of suspected crime bosses and drug cartels. They get reelected by bribing police to arrest anyone who opposes them, and teaching propaganda in schools. The average life expectancy in Camden is on par with Darfur, Haiti, and the nastier parts of Alabama.

It's rumored that Camden was built so Philadelphia had some place to look down on however this cannot be verified because Camdens City Fathers are actually deadbeat dads and cannot be located.

Wilmington, Delaware

If you thought Delaware had nothing but a bunch of rednecks and hillbillies, you're totally wrong! Delaware also has black people, dago wops, and mick bastards, and many of them live in Wilmington. Wilmington is one of the nicer residential choices for black people, as it has all of the luxuries of urban life without the nonstop drug addicts. The police were even nice enough to put the whole downtown under camera surveillance just to make sure everyone's safe! Don't feel too safe, since virtually anything worth over $9 that is left outside unattended will get stolen within an hour. Yes, that does include cars, children, and pet animals! Wilmington can be accessed by SEPTA Regional Rail via the R2 line, but since the service is so darn slow, passengers from Philadelphia routinely die of boredom from sitting in the train long before they reach Wilmington. Oh yeah, the minor league ball team Blue Rocks suck, but they can beat the Phillies on any given day.

The Main Line

The buildings are less run-down in suburban areas.

This is where the city meets the suburbs. When you cross over to suburbia, be prepared for a total drop in serotonin levels. This is the realm of the American upper middle class zombie and rich preppy WASP assholes. Why would people live in such depressing conditions? The theory is that they've lived there so long that they cannot escape it's sugarcoated grasp. However it is doubtful that they enjoy it any more than outsiders due to the large amount of drug consumption. Watch out for:

  • Lacrosse moms
  • Bumper stickers proclaiming My Episcopal and or Jewish honor student has a higher SAT score than your Episcopal and or Jewish honor student.
  • Parents with pseudo-liberal views who love minorities but would never send their kid to a school with one, but will happily hire one as a housekeeper - after first installing video cameras, and an ethnic community by the names "Auschwitz", "Soweto" and "New Tijuana" for them.
  • Limos (whites or Arabs: driven for them, blacks or Ricans= stolen by them).
  • Businesses that claim to be "a Target" but clearly have no affiliation with the superstore (the rednecks in Kutztown get a "Wal-Mart").
  • Three movie theaters that nobody goes to (and remember, be armed if you enter, to shut up the kids during the movie).
  • A giant white cross, possibly representative of the skin color of the locals, and make sure it's on fire at night.
  • Use of "rich kid" drugs such as cocaine and American Express Black Cards.
  • Parental denial of drug and alcohol usage and unnatural fear of urban environment due to rumored marijuana usage and minorities (except the East Asians).
  • French Nannies (actually, they are Haitian or Dominican).
  • Lawns (and Lawn jockeys is a Pennsylvanian Dutch tradition to NOT welcome Blacks).
  • Severe depression.
  • People who go to Haverford and Bryn Mawr.

Lancaster

Thar be Amish here! The highways have low speed limits and designated lanes for horse-and-buggies. If you wish to travel through this county, a solid grasp of German is highly recommended. (If you manage to communicate successfully with the Amish, you can expect unspeakably good pretzels and PA Dutch poontang (actually, its' the French Canadian food, but what the hey, too many foreigners live in Philadelphia). The best way to "Americanize" them is threaten to kill them if they are caught speaking German in public (it worked in World Wars I and II, the Cold war and the hunt for Neo-Nazis).

Lansdale, Bucks county and Burks county

A.k.a. Lansdale? Lansdale. Fuckin county and Fucks county, like a Brotherly Love act. Montgomery county is a hotbed of yuppies, preppies and former hippies turned to the dark side (see Neo-Cons). It is the Northeast version of the O.C., except no palm trees, swimming pools and movie stars. However like Orange County in California, Montgomery county sure has alot of Asian people on the other ocean. How the hell did the Orientals come into this country? The state of Pennsylvania recommends the construction of an army internment camp for them Japs in the Willow Grove Air Base.

Delco and Chester City

A mostly blue collar county just southwest of the city, Delaware County is slightly depressing. From the working class, middle class and blue collar towns like Upper Darby, Springfiel, and Ridley, to the straight-up 'hood city of Chester (which is probably worse than North Philly as far as murder per population) to the somewhere in-between town of Darby, Delaware County isn't exactly one of the most prestigious "suburbs." People in Delco are the ones who built the houses in the MontCo and Chester County and the rest of the Main Line. However, Delco has its perks. It's a brotherly sort of place, and there's a 43:1 ratio when it comes to bars to libraries. Future site of the Philadelphia Union Major League soccer team.

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