Yoga

Yoga is an ancient form of self-inflicted mental and physical torture, oft chosen by holy men in order to attain higher levels of holiness through this torture. These holy men, called yogis, compete with each other as to which can sustain the heaviest yoke, and the most anatomically impossible position, while purifying their thoughts in this most painful manner. Yogis also may frequently undergo the mental torture of teaching novices, intermediate practitioners, or future yogis.

The Sanskrit word yoga has the literal meaning of "yoke", from a root yuj meaning to join, to unite, or to attach.

Yoga practitioners who survive and choose to attend more than one yoga lesson are taught a code word after the lesson as a badge of honor, a symbol of "coolness" if you will, among fellow practitioners. This code word is special in that it changes meaning when one advances to higher levels of yoga practice. Yogis and yoga practitioners identify themselves to each other through the code word "Namaste", meaning "Look out behind you!" This is often used as a practical joke among novice practitioners as well. It also has the alternative meaning of "I see what you did there". There are as many different styles of yoga as there are of martial arts, as the Hindus, Jainists, and Buddhists cannot agree on who came up with the idea first, and is therefore the most original and the best.

Basic Equipment

To practice yoga, one usually requires a yoga mat, and optionally a bolster, hand blocks, a leg strap, and yoga shawl or blanket. Alternatively, a Wii balance board may be used. The yoga mat or balance board is designed to prevent the hands or feet from slipping from their assigned positions. The bolster and hand blocks are beginners' aids in the event that the practitioner is fat or has brittle bones or tight, unsevered tendons. The blanket is used to keep the cold out, since sneezing can interfere with yogic breathing. As to the use of the leg strap, please use your imagination. Any or all of these pieces of equipment may be used at the same time, with the end result being vaguely similar to a game of Twister with each piece of equipment placed under or on a hand, foot, forehead, shoulder, elbow, or knee.

Chairs, however, are considered cheating, since they would make the practice too easy, and would also reduce the number of calories tortured out of existence.

Physical Techniques of Yoga

Yoga is particularly popular within Eastern Traditions where it has taken on a number of varying forms and techniques.

The physical techniques of yoga are designed to torture the body by stretching it to its very limits and beyond, stressing each and every muscle in the body one at a time, then in groups. Modified sit-ups, back bends, and modified push-ups are used to punish the body for its disobedience, the difficulty of which increases until the muscles begin to cramp or fail. Then a different set of muscles is used, with similar results. This is then followed by a contest to see who can get in the most awkward standing-up on one-leg position without falling over. If you have to use a chair to balance, you lose.

Mental Techniques of Yoga

The physical techniques of yoga and the mental techniques of yoga are tied together by yoga breathing techniques. This is also a secret form of mind control that keeps yoga practitioners coming back for more, believing that just because they are not thinking about other things, they are more relaxed. The mind is focused on the breathing, which is then tested to the extreme limits of inhalations and exhalations. A contest then follows to see who can say the word "OM" longest without losing their breath. This word is written upon the chalkboard of the mind, and thoughts pass through the mind except for this one word "OM".

There is some disagreement as to what OM really means. Some say it means the self, others say it means the universe. Some say it means "spirit" or "soul", some say it means "now", and still others say it means pure love. But all agree it means something really important that we all have forgotten somehow that we just need to remember. This just proves that we are all obviously terribly absent-minded and ignorant and deserve punishment, hence why yoga is so important, providing the means for the punishment required in order to achieve enlightenment.

Enlightenment is known as "enlightenment" because when achieved, laser beams come out of the eyes, and levitation is achieved at will.