Stop sign
STOP. Hammer Time!
“Duh... what's that red thingy with "STOP" written on it mean?”
“Ain't no stoppin' us now... we're on the move.”
“STOP! Hamme-”
“WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP”
“SOTP!!!!”
The stop sign is a tall, reddish figure that usually sits on the side of a road, and is widely known to have the capacity to fly through space-time to land at the most inconvenient point necessary, and look altogether innocent while doing so. The stop sign is speculated to be one of the last pan-dimensional beings on the planet, and perhaps one of the most annoying at that. Typically a stop sign consists of something of an octagon stuck on a pole, with the word "STOP" printed in clear lettering on it, in case someone forgets what it is.
Despite having many interesting attributes about them, stop signs are also one of the least intelligent beings and show absolutely no signs of recognizing the outside world at all. Stop sign meat is very common in Canada and Antarctica for its juicy taste and convenience in making Lollipops. For example, a stop sign may appear at an intersection as a car approaches, yet there may be no reason for the vehicle to stop in the first place. Despite its many setbacks and problems, the stop sign is still obeyed by most motorists for reasons largely unknown.
History of the stop sign[edit | edit source]
The stop sign was originally part of a game developed in the 20th century, when cars were still new and shiny and people were too distracted to bother getting into accidents. The stop sign's use as we know it presently was unnecessary at the time, as people had the ability to recognize when another vehicle was coming and when it would likely be a good idea to apply pressure to the brakes.
Because people were becoming too sensible about the whole driving thing, the stop sign was created. These were small, yellow octagons placed in random areas to add something of an obstacle for the average driver. Upon coming up to a stop sign, the driver was to continue with his foot on the accelerator for as long as possible, while still being able to brake hard before the sign. If anyone was around to observe the player, style points were added for swearing, swerving, the length of the skid marks on the pavement, and naturally the inclusion of flipping the bird at thin air.
Eventually ignorance set in, and people needed something to tell them to stop at intersections, being too distracted to work that out for themselves. Thus the stop sign found a new usage in this way, but the traditional stop sign game is carried through even to this day.
As the mundanity of the stop sign's new use set in, people began to think that it would be really smart and original to use this seemingly boring tool of the evil MoDOT as a comedic prop. As such, not only was the noble integrity of the valiant stop sign compromised, but many confused motorists were seen to bow down to the apparently infinite will of MC Hammer.
Mechanics of the stop sign[edit | edit source]
Originally yellow, the stop sign's color was changed in 1955 when it was discovered that people paid more attention to red objects, such as blood pouring out of one's body or something on fire. Unfortunately red paint was in short supply that year, and imports of the letter S were lower than usual, so the creation of stop signs was somewhat expensive. In 1956 someone introduced a genius solution.
The Stop sign is noted to have eight glorious sides and eight awesome angles.
Murphy's Law, one of the most useful things in physics, was tried and tested with the stop sign. Approximately twelve new stop signs were actually produced, at which point they were discarded into an old work shed designed precisely to specifications. The theory was simple: Discarded objects tend to pop up just when they're least expected, and most unwanted. Therefore the stop signs would disappear from the shed and reappear across the world at the most inconvenient times for drivers, which is undoubtedly exactly when they are doing something wrong. (Science would again use this theory when the traffic light was invented. Instead of using timers, all three lights are put on at random times. According again to Murphy, the different lights would come on at the precise time needed to inconvenience the driver who can be most inconvenienced. So far it's managed to work exceedingly well.)
Stop sign stickers[edit | edit source]
There are many varieties of stickers that are pasted onto stop signs. The majority of them are red. Activists have come up with their own personalized stickers to promote their causes, including vegans and environmentalists. What they have in common, is that they are a way of encouraging the city or county to replace worn-out stop signs that have faded paint, broken poles, and the like, and in the process, raising your property taxes and/or fuel taxes to make up for the cost. If you rent, that just means your landlord will be raising your rent again next year.