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Today's Free Sample! There you are - forty-one years old, single, on your way home from work. It's been a long day. It's a Monday, or a Wednesday, and you've got plenty more days left just like this one. So to cheer yourself up, you stop at the local candy shop. You make your selection carefully. Pear drops, rhubarb and custard, the lovely little chocolate mice - whatever you like. You spend the loose change in your pocket and feel good about yourself. You leave the shop, delve your hand in the bag, and then... You see them. They're coming. Your oh-so-friendly neighbour and her oh-so-evil son. How old is he? He's got to be at least 3, right? Why the hell is he still in a pushchair? Probably too fat to walk. And then you realise... Quick, you think. Hide the candy. You try to stuff it in your pockets, but it's too late. You've drawn attention to yourself. The mother smiles - pity she's got a boyfriend - but her fat baby has noticed the little white bag. "Hello," he thinks, "I'll have some of that." With time running out, you swing the bag behind your back, but the mother notices. And now she's stopped! This is getting out of hand! (Full article...) Recently featured: Shoutbox Clairvoyance among dinosaurs Reddit Obscurantism Archive · Vote for featured articles · You can vote for your favorite articles to be featured when you become an EXCLUSIVE MEMBER. More of the best of Uncyclopedia edit More can be yours! Join today! June 12: Elephant Flossing Day 1944 - According to WWII historians, this is the exact day that Anne Frank lost all hope. 1964 - Nelson Mandela sent to prison as method acting preparation for role of a lifetime as President of South Africa. 1987 - U.S. President Ronald Reagan tells Mikhail Gorbachev to "tear down this wall", Gorbachev says, "But we just regrouted!" 1991 - After a long night of drinking and partying, Boris Yeltsin wakes up and finds himself elected President of the Russian Federation. 1994 - Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman killed by secret coalition of Colombians junkies and haters of O.J. Simpson, innocent man. (Pictured) 2016 - Republicans blame deadly Orlando nightclub shooting on gun control, vow to arm "the gays" with assault rifles by 2020. Archived Anniversaries	edit For exclusive news coverage, get UnNews PLUS! Sly Stallone (1946-Present) Trump sends condolences to "Sly Stallone" (Pictured) Trump celebrates TACO Wednesday by reversing course on long-held campaign promise THE ROCKIES HAVE WON A SERIES! Hit videogame Deltarune about to be released tomorrow!!! New York Knicks throw tantrum, fire head coach for barely missing the NBA Finals Elevation Worship's Chris Brown filling in for mainstream Chris Brown until further notice Taylor Swift buys back her masters "Real" Timothee Chalamet at 2024 look-alike contest actually Finn Wolfhard Qatar personally gifts Trump a plane Austria wins Eurovision MLB welcomes cheaters and pedophiles into HOF New cast and plotlines announced for longest running Filipino sitcom BREAKING: NEW POPE ALERT!!! Trump: "You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big." Phil Collins comes out of retirement after wank PBS and NPR to lose funding Spain and Portugal experience a country-wide blackout Sportswriter Leon Sandcastle gives his two cents on NFL draftee Shedeur Sanders's draft slide Trump believes that 200 countries negotiated trade deals with him Man delivers profound philosophical speech about elephants during his sojourn at the zoo Upcoming South Park season will be Canadian World shocked as Pope Francis kicks bucket (This is not a drill!) Chris Rock will succeed him in new comedy Head of Church Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG and Stranger Things 5 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's breakup • The IRS hunting late tax payers • NBA finals and Stanley Cup • Aaron Rodgers finally signing with a team Recent deaths: George Wendt • Updates for Mortal Kombat 1 • Rick Derringer • Carolina Hurricanes' choke job in the playoffs • New York Knicks' surprisingly kickass season and coach's tenure • Fear Street: Prom Queen • John Redcorn • Brian Grazer's career and livelihood, and anyone's respect for him • Sly Stallone Stone • Brian Wilson Upcoming deaths: DEI • Google's ad monopoly • LeBron James' career • Diddy's and Chris Brown's chances at freedom • Tom Cruise's career of sprinting on-screen • New York Knicks' future success • Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room • Greta Thunberg? More Current Events at UnNews News edit Did you know... That you can get Did You Know in your email if you SUBSCRIBE TODAY! ... that Crow war chieftain Old White Man was nothing like his brothers, Walks Over Eggshells and Sees No Color? Read More
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Exclusive PLUS member of the Month!!! Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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