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A hardboard has revealed that it suffered abuse at the hands of Rolf Harris for many years, frequently being "made to wobble" on television against its will.
"He promised me a life in showbiz," the board told us, "and my eyes lit up. I had always been ambitious about my future. I didn't want to spend my whole life in the factory – the factory where I was made I mean. I wanted to be part of something big, perhaps a table or a cabinet. When Rolf said he was going to make me a star on stage, I thought he meant as part of the background scenery." Instead, the board revealed, Harris subjected it to decades of humiliating abuse, carrying it on stage in his licentious, hairy arms and "wobbling" it for his own and the crowd's enjoyment.
"I never told anyone because I didn't think people would believe me. I just used to freeze and go stiff as a ... well, as stiff as a board when he grabbed ahold of me, but unfortunately that just made the sound even more effective." (Full article...)
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DID Y0U KN0W...
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- ... that Japanese ninjas are among those who have tried to find a way to get across the Great Wall of China? (Pictured)
- ... that at some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser?
- ... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
- ... that it's probably not the weekend (The chance is 5/7)?
- ... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
- ... that in 2007 the Department of Homeland Security released a series of informative pamphlets on surviving a terrorist attack?
- ... about Alliteration articulating an artistic approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accouterments as alarmingly asinine alignments?
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IN 7H3 N3W5
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Trump pictured holding up his project in front of his friends. They're all delighted.
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0N 7HI5 D4Y...
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August 28: International Horniness Day.
- 2,000,000 BC - Homo flaccidus has a hard time getting a date.
- 1,000,000 BC - Homo erectus gets horny and manages to get his own boner without assistance.
- 100,000 BC - Homo erectus finally loses its erection and becomes sapiens.
- 900,000 BC - Adam and Eve become horny.
- 33 - Jesus horny for the last time.
- 489 - Theodoric, King of the Ostrogoths defeats Odoacer, King of Cers the at the Battle of Iseeyourgonzoandraiseyouaspliff.
- 1729 - Man discovers the "hand", women are now useful for cooking, cleaning and raising children only.
- 1845 - The first issue of Unscientific Horny American is published. The centerfold (which features a different Nobel-Prize-winning scientist each month) proves unpopular, and is discontinued almost immediately.
- 1941 - Miso Horny named Japan's National Soup.
- 1942 - Teddy Roosevelt horny in Jacksonville, Florida. He was then arrested.
- 1987 - Me gets so horny for you.
- 1988 - In Soviet Russia, horny gets so you for me.
- 1993 - Haim Saban, after drinking heavily, creates Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.
- 2009 - Tiger Woods's controversial solution to chronic horniness made public.
- 2010 - Giant Horny Cheese invades earth and takes Hailers Hostage.
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WRI73R 4ND N00B 0F 7H3 M0N7H
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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!
So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.
Let us all clap for him because I said so.
You now only have 3, god dammit, 3 days to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month! Get voting!
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