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RIP you cat killing bastard

It's true! Why do people always laugh at me when I tell them? Stop laughing, dammit! I'm serious. Deadly serious. It was a tabby named Whiskers. I named it that because it had whiskers. Stephen Hawking ran over my cat.

Yes, the guy you're thinking of is the very same guy that I'm talking about. This isn't all that complicated. The genius guy. Yes, that's the one. I'm still shocked myself. Surprised even. My cat, needless to say, was flabbergasted at the time. Stephen Hawking ran over my cat.

My neighbour saw it. Ask him! He's in the house that's beside my house. No, the other one. He knows. Swear to God. Just ask him and he'll tell you what he saw.

What? My neighbour denies that he saw anything? Are you sure? Damnit, Stephen Friggin' Hawking must've got to him. It did happen, I tell ya'. Did! I don't care that my neighbour denies everything. (Full article...)

Featured today, a long long time ago


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Peter Sagan, featured on 18 March 2014: Featured version
Nillion, featured on 18 March 2013: Featured version


  • ... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
  • ... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
  • ... that Calvin and Hobbes was an action-packed buddy comedy series that ran from 1542-1549, featuring philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes as themselves?
  • ... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
  • ... that Freddie Mercury was banned in some European countries due to his extremely radioactive last name?
  • ... that the phrase "¡Ay Chihuahua!" can be used to mean both "no, I don't have any bathtub cheese" and "yes, I have a great deal of bathtub cheese"?

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UnNews remembers Stephen Hawking

0N 7HI5 D4Y...

March 18: Suicide-by-Boasting Day, National RAD day (UK, 1989-2000, 2007), End of the Boob Festival (Neptune)
  • circa 51,000 BC - World Happiness Day is declared with a series of rhythmic grunts when two homo erecti discover fire.
  • circa 50,000 BC - The ancient Llama civilization begins its downfall with the assasination of Llama Chief LlamaLlama The 45th Mk. II during a boat ride down the Nile.
  • 1904 - Dessie Noonan is the first to commit suicide by boasting.
  • 1906 - Pope declares suicide by boasting a mortal sin, worse than butt sex, watching anime and murder.
  • 1906 - Pope says his decree was best decree ever. He is found dead in a hotel outside Reno, NV with a syringe in his arm.
  • 1953 - President Joseph McCarthy briefly bans Kitten Huffing, but later retracts said decree, claiming he "was high off [his] ass."
  • 1954 - Scientists discover the Moon.
  • 1955 - Scientists find out it wasn't really the Moon they discovered, but the Sun.
  • 1966 - The Evelyn War ends, and Michelle Pfeiffer, a secret code developed by Captain Obvious, officially replaces traditional right-to-left writing, as decreed by the Kansas board of education
  • 1991 - MC Hammer releases the song 'Big Rad Boy' but a world-famous spelling error on the Cassette version read 'Big Nad Boy' - the culprit, Bill Gates, was controversially sacked.
  • 1991 - Rad Suits become the latest craze in the UK, after teen hero Margaret Thatcher was seen in one.
  • 1992 - Michael Jackson re-releases 'Bad' as Rad, however no-one is impressed when it is just the same track with Rad replacing Bad in the lyrics, and the song did very badly. This caused him to turn a paler shade.
  • 1993 - The sun tells scientists it and earth should "just be friends." The sun promises to call every few weeks.
  • 1994 - Tears for Fears reach Number One on new show Top of the Flops. They would have reached No. 1 on Top of the Pops, it was later revealed, but they failed to say 'rad' during the entire song.
  • 2000 - 'Rad Day' is abolished after the phrase isn't considered rad anymore.
  • 2004 - The sun tells Al Gore to fuck off with his global warming shit, and proceeds to call Gore a "jive turkey sucka."
  • 2005 - Rick James dies of chronic diarrhea… Finally!
  • 2006 - A rerun of the smash hit TV show "Full House" is shown around the world. Millions kill themselves, unable to stand the torture.
  • 2007 - 'Rad Day' returns for one year with a concert featuring Michael Jackson. The 10 people that attended said things were 'Like, well rad init'.
  • 2008 - After numerous requests by the American public, God finally damns it. It is never seen again.

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Satan hates his job, too. You're not like Satan. Are you?

Image Credit: RadicalX

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Writer of the month.png

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.


Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!


Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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