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To regret one’s own experiences is to arrest one’s own development. To deny one’s own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of one’s own life. It is no less than a denial of the soul. |
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— Oscar Wilde
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Click on Oscar Wilde's handsome face to be taken to one of our best articles!
Choose the next front page article. Write something funny. Do something pointless today.
Featured today, a long long time ago
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DID Y0U KN0W...
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- ... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
- ... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?
- ... that when a grizzly bear becomes excited sexually it is known as a jizzly bear?
- ... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man?
- ... there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around?
- ... that the keyboard you have been using has more germs than your toilet seat?
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IN 7H3 N3W5
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0N 7HI5 D4Y...
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August 18: Everybody Run From the Godzilla Attack Day
- 644 - A prodigous comet appears in the sky, in the shape of a rock. The rock magically flies through the sky, before it lands in ancient Greece and kills a busload of time-travelling nuns.
- 1868 - French astronomer Pierre Jules César Janssen discovers helium. Initially, he had a difficult time explaining the gas producing process without evoking gales of laughter.
- 1969 - Godzilla tries to attack France, but has to stop in Tokyo to ask for directions.
- 1989 - The Who, working in conjunction with Godzilla, trash several hotel rooms in Wales and Scotland. The Isle of Man is never seen again.
- 1990 - Godzilla attacks Paris, humping the Eiffel Tower twice before being driven back into the sea.
- 1991 - Godzilla attacks Paris again, this time bringing flowers. The Parisians surrender to his radioactive charm, and an evening of bliss is had by all.
- 1992 - Godzilla once again attacks Paris, leaving fifty-three successive messages on the answering machine of the Ile de Cite, each one more angry and irrational than the last. Paris gets a restraining order. In a blind, drunken confusion, Godzilla attacks a department store in Rome. Mothra and Mechagodzilla are called to drive the heartbroken beast home.
- 1993 - Princess Diana pre-died.
- 1999 - Cape Breton declares an open nuclear war on the Y2K bug subsequently pounding it into oblivion. Eminent scientists have confirmed this fact as the reason why much speculation about the threat of Y2K was ultimately unfounded.
- 2006 - Way more people die than usual.
- 2007 - The Canso Causeway, forever asserting the will of mainland Nova Scotia against Cape Breton, is melted in my microwave.
- 2010 - Godzilla sends a passive-aggressive text message to Paris, asking if it wants its copy of High Fidelity back or if he should just throw it away.
- 2010 - 1:24pm, Josh "I'm full."
- 2017 - User:Nuttymays deletes the #general Discord channel in the uncyclopedia discord server
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WRI73R 4ND N00B 0F 7H3 M0N7H
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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!
So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.
Let us all clap for him because I said so.
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