Babel:1337

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Mathematics (from Greek άθημα máthēma, “knowledge, study, learning”) is the systematic torture of students disguised as the study of quantity, structure, space, and change. Mathematicians seek out patterns and formulate new conjectures, trying to make sense of the universe by examining these abstract concepts, determining common traits, and then experimenting to see if this advanced knowledge will help them get women into bed. These conjectures are often faulty, and this subsequent failure is referred to as mathematical proof.

Galileo Galilei (1564–1642) said, "The universe cannot be read until we have learned the language and become familiar with the characters in which it is written. It is written in mathematical language... Without these, one is wandering about in a dark labyrinth". He was also condemned by the church for heresy, and the only surviving body part of his is his middle finger on his right hand. This is currently kept at the Museo Galileo in Florence, Italy, allowing him to give the finger to the Catholic Church from beyond the grave. (Full article...)

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DID Y0U KN0W...

... that you can meet all sorts of interesting people when you're drunk? (Pictured)

... cluck gawk cluck cluck cluck cluck bock bock cluck cluck B`gawk? (Pictured)

... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?
... that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?
... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun?
... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?
... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle?
... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?

... that cabbages are not to be trifled with? (Pictured)

... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?
... that I think you know what's happening today?
... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
... that not all of Ukraine is Russia, though Russia can't seem to tell?
... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians?

... that Gypsies are stealing your carrots right now? (Pictured)

... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*
... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit?
... that many diseases can be prevented by washing your hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case?
... that Wikipedia features DYKs about mosaic floors that were discovered between 1932 and 1939?
... that you should invest in chicken stock?

... I could absolutely kill for something to eat right now? (Pictured)

... that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
... that apparently, this Charles Norris fellow is quite the ruffian?
... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst?
... that removing the rubber bands from the claws of a Lobster can result in oh god get it off get it OFF OH GOD MY FACE!
...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?
... tennis isn't just a game?

... that it's a surprisingly simple process to starting your own religion? (Pictured)

... that more people have been inside Paris Hilton, than in the Hilton in Paris?
... that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic?
... that every time you blink, you get transported to another alternative Universe?
... that the A-bombs dropped on Japan were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?
... that if you die in Canada, you die in real life?
... that many diseases can be prevented by washing your hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case?
... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?

... that Albert Einstein's likeness has been used to sell pornography? (Pictured)

... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?
... that making a band usually involves frantically begging family and strangers to join?
... that Stan Lee originally conceived the X-Men as a group of post-op transgenders?
... that my mom's name is also Martha?
... that the life of Jesus Christ contains many allusions to Superman?
... that Africa's space program has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
... that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior?

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Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd. World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • March Madness Elite Eight Recent deaths: Xander Harris • Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • DMV-based sitcom canned after people realize they can watch literally anything else • Mr. Strickland • C.B. Buckner's carreer as an MLB ump Upcoming deaths: Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • Sora • Tiger Woods' driver's license and career.. fuck it, his life can go too UNN3W5 – R4DI0 FR33 1UNC\|-\|**
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March 29: National Treason Day 30 AD - Judas Iscariot betrays his best friend Jesus for a Coke, gets a Pepsi from the Sanhedrin instead. Heartbroken, he hangs himself. 1792 - King Gustav III of Sweden is assassinated when conspirators remove the structural dowels in his HATTEFJÄLL office chair. 1847 - American troops sack the Mexican city of Veracruz, steal the secrets of the fish taco from its denizens. 1857 - Indian Sepoys mutiny against the British after being forced to endure their take on Indian cuisine. 1951 - Julius and Ethel Rosenberg are arrested for giving the Soviet Union secrets of the nuclear family. 1973 - William Calley, U.S. Army officer responsible for the My Lai Massacre, is given numerous high-fives for his "epic" K/D ratio. 2019 - The United Kingdom leaves the EU, as per the deal, the entire British Isles will be towed into the Bermuda Triangle. \/I3W 70M0RR0W – M0R3 4NNI\/3R54RI35...

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The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it.

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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