Jimmy the Cowboy
James P. Lawrence (c. 1845 – February 5, 1881), better known as Jimmy the Cowboy, was a famous figure of the Wild West. Jimmy was known for ropin' cattle, punchin' beeves, and herding steer. In addition, he was a gunfighter, a sheriff, an outlaw,
an Indian, a Mexican, a schoolmarm, and a comedy relief drunk. In addition, he farmed potatoes and played the flute, thus qualifying as both "rootin'" and "tootin'". Rumours that he has lived west of the Pecos remain unconfirmed.
Jimmy was born in a sepia tone photo of a log cabin located either in Kentucky or a Ken Burns documentary. Jimmy spent most of his youth splitting wood and shooting beloved yellow dogs. It has been claimed that he killed a bear at the age of three. In fact, it was the bear that was three. Jimmy was one.
He was drafted into the Union army at the age of fifteen. Starting out as a cavalry trooper, he soon reached the rank of regimental grief councilor and, by war's end, was General Custer's personal beard maintenance technician.
After the war, Jimmy left the army to head west to Kansas, where he became a cattle puncher. No, that did not mean he beat up cows. That's a bit obvious, isn't it? I mean, that'd be like saying that as a gunfighter he'd kickbox Winchester rifles, ho ho bloody ho.
No, a cattle puncher is a highly important person on a cattle drive. His job was to ride around the herd constantly, keeping Billy Crystal at bay with a rifle. Since Billy Crystal can never truly be destroyed, the rifle must be a powerful one, and the shot must strike him square between the eyes, since brain injuries take him longer to regenerate.
Jimmy excelled at this and earned a lot of money, which he would spend on ammunition for his pistols. He would then ride through towns firing his pistols in the air. When he ran out of the ammo, he went back to cow punching.
In the early late mid 1870s, Jimmy
started kickboxing Winchester rifles became involved in the infamous Agnew County Range War. Basically, some hicks had some thing about water rights or barbed wire or some hayseed garbage. But then the killing started! Joy!
The main focus of the war was Widow McNicelady's ranch which was to be seized by agents of the Engulf and Devour Banking Group. This lead to the settlers in check shirts (Good Guys) squaring off against the settlers in check waistcoats (Bad Guys).
Jimmy joined the bad guys with gusto, and was soon blowing eight kinds of crap out of various horny-handed sons of toil. But then, after killing the very last of the small ranchers, he realised that they'd been in the right all along, and so made amends by wiping out the cattle barons. The whole region was desolated, until some Mormon door-knockers came by and, realising that the region was unoccupied, moved in themselves. And that is how Utah happened.
Deciding that a career change was in order, Jimmy took to the stage in Dodge City. There, his spirited dancing of the can-can won him many accolades, including not one, but two Dodgies. The coveted Dodgy awards, given out by the Dodge City Theater Critics' Association, were known far and wide (all the way from Concordia to Topeka) as the "...rootinest tootinest gol-darn awards in the West, I reckon...". [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
But Jimmy was a man of action, and he soon applied for the position of Town Marshall. The other applicant, Bat Masterson, was better qualified but, unlike Jimmy, was not prepared for the Mayor of Dodge's casting couch.
And that's why cowboys walk that way.
As Marshall of Dodge, Jimmy brought law to the lawless town, turning it into a lawful town. Then they went and changed the laws on him, and he had to start again.
Jimmy's exploits were legendary. He went toe to toe with the James Gang and neck and neck with the Dalton Gang. He beat eight kinds of crap out of both Our Gang and the Peanuts Gang, before finally being defeated by the Bloodhound Gang, who left him for dead with perforated eardrums.
Jimmy at the Alamo
As he grew older, Jimmy decided to single-handedly undo the policy of Manifest Destiny. Why? Because as the Code of the West says "... --- -- . - .. -- . ... / .- / -- .- -. .----. ... / --. --- - - .- / -.. --- / .-- .... .- - / .- / -- .- -. .----. ... / --. --- - - .- / -.. --- --..-- / . ...- . -. / .-- .... . -. / - .... .- - .----. ... / -.-. --- -- .--. .-.. . - . .-.. -.-- / ... - ..- .--. .. -.."
In order to achieve his new goal of returning the South West of the USA to Mexico, he wrote many letters to President Cleveland, demanding that he "return the ill-gotten spoils of the Treaty of Guadelope-Hidalgo" or else "face my fists of fury! And also gun."
One letter read, in part "you gringo shit of a Welshman's swine! If you do not return the property of Holy Mecksico [sic] I will poison your wife with blood and burning her dog with roentgen rays. I will mark your face with all the chemicals that modern science can provide, before I give you sunburn with the power of my mind, a mind that has been toughened by years on the trail fighting Indians, outlaws, and filthy, filthy Mexicans. Best regards, Jimmy."
When these letters failed to have any effect, Jimmy decided to take matters into his own hands, and single-handedly laid siege to the Alamo. The Alamo's defenders – including Betty Crockett, Eartha Kitt-Carson, Col. David Bowie and other legendary Western heroes – held out bravely for several days before Jimmy's raw machismo breached the wall, allowing Jimmy to massacre them all.
Reaction in Washington to the massacre was generally positive, but nonetheless President Cleveland sent three regiments of cavalry to round up Jimmy and force him to return to his reservation. Jimmy took to the hills, from whence he carried out a guerrilla campaign against the cavalry. In the end, the Army had to deploy several million tons of high explosives in order to create a hole deep enough to catch Jimmy in.
Once they built this hole, they covered it with leaves and lured Jimmy onto it. Jimmy plummeted into the hole, and there was much rejoicing.
"This colossal hole in the ground is pretty grand!" exclaimed a young soldier. "What shall we call it?"
And so they named it "Phoenix".
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