Wales

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Cymru
The Principality of Wales
Wales
Current flag
Flag
Motto: Tidy
Anthem: "Dirty Deeds Done with Sheep"
Erghhh! Who cummed on that?!
Capital Cardiff
Largest city Tesco
Official language(s) Gibberish Welsh
Government Anarchy
National Hero(es) Barry Welsh, Owain Glyndwp, St. Dafad, Tom Jones
Currency Wool
Religion Drinking in pubs, killing the English
Population 4,000 cofi gonts
800,000 Poles
700,000,000 illiterate
5,000,000 sheep (debated)
Major exports Sheep, pot noodle, coal, slate
Major imports Sheep, Poland, rain
Hours of
 operation
Any time — we're flexible
Internet TLD .shp
Bouncywikilogo.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Wales.
Flag painted on a wall in Wales as a sign of friendship with the English.

The Principality of Wales is the smallest and wettest country in United Kingdom. It is a land with mountains so high that the clouds had to grow legs and trotters to walk over them (hence becoming sheep), and where Jonah was once swallowed up by Moby Dick. It is populated by sheep, growers of daffodils, corgis, leeks, and Doctor Who (lives in Cardiff).

History[edit]

Beginning[edit]

Wales, commonly referred to as "better than Belgium", "England's Patio", or "The Buttocks of Britain", was founded in 27,000 BC by illiterate sheep worshippers; other sources suggest that Wales was founded by the Grand Turnip (the current main religion of Wales after Carrot-ism). Wales was once a small collection of about 18 smaller states, each with their own way of "playing" with the local sheep. Continuous wars between the smaller states eventually led to a successful allied victory for the states of Dadlau and Rhyfel[1] in the year 250AD. A bizarre election campaign filled with scandals led to the election of a dyslexic tyrant, Dvaid Smiht, who promptly named the newly-formed country after his aquatic gods. Another legend had it that Wales was actually a bastardisation of 'wanker', but this is probably just the English being "witty" as always.

The name is now thought to come from the fact that the country is the size of an average whale and the people get the name Welsh due to being filled with flab and being made from the gut of whale.

Wales was previously a safe haven for Celts to live in peace from the invading Nazis of Germany and their mercantile views. As refugees in Wales grew in number they decided to form an alliance of musicians and decided to name this haven Walia (land of wailers). Three decades later the Welsh planned to sing the Anglo-Saxons out of England and back into the hideous lands of Schleswig-Holstein. But the offence was not necessary as the Germans were having problems with the Vikings and were also wishing for an invading force to leave. Soon however the Anglo-Saxons were pushed south and tensions between Welsh/Cornish people and Anglo-Saxon people grew. Primarily as to whether the country should be called England or Britain. Wars broke out whereby the Celtic Welsh would stand there blasting music out with all their might while the Anglo-Saxon warriors lanced at them chopping torsos. But finally a truce was brought out and it was decided that the country be called England but the piece of physical land residing on it would be called Britain. Peace at last for the Welsh.

Invasion[edit]

It was not long before the first pillow fight since the days of the city states. A fear of conquest rushed through the Welsh heartland when the Romans vanquished their little girls. The Welsh retreated onto Ynys Môn, a previously ignored wasteland which, for the first and last time, became important and noteworthy for a brief while. At the final battle the Welsh ran out of lipstick and as a last resort turned to their women and druids. The pagan leaders began screaming their fearsome war chant, “Fluffy Bunnies, Fluffy Bunnies”. They were joined by vicious naked bunnies wildly screaming and waving Celtic standards. The Romans fled in terror, fearing both the magic and the dreadful prospect of marital-like interaction.

Since this great victory the Welsh have honoured their saviours. The men repeat the fearsome chant at every opportunity, while the women roam the towns in all weather, wearing next to nothing.

Disastrous Union[edit]

In 1250 a sudden and cataclysmic earthquake joined Wales to England. For the first ten seconds of this union the people of both countries were bewildered, confused and wary. On the 11th second a Welshman by the name of Taffy Triog became the first man to cross the border, where he entered a traditional English Cantonese restaurant. There was no way he could have foreseen that his decision to take two Mint Imperials from the bar would define Welsh-English relationships for a millennium. Within days the English poem “Taffy was a Welshman, Taffy was a thief” became #1 in the Poetry Charts with a record 71 sales.

For the next 544 years Taffy’s legacy lived on with constant fighting and wars between the Welsh and the English. A somewhat comical accident during the Battle of Porth-y-Gest became the basis of another popular song. A shot from a Welshman’s bow broke the wheel of an unfortunate English soldier’s chariot. As his vehicle flipped into the air the soldier fell to ground and before he could safely roll away the chariot came crashing down towards him. Although he managed to avoid the main body of the chariot, one of the spokes struck him in a thoroughly unpleasant manner. The resulting song is now one of the national anthems of Wales.

In the 17th Century, Wales was used as a prison by the English. No chains or walls were needed as no one could read the signs so any potential escapee got lost. The Welsh, however, began training the prisoners to pillage English villages and play rugby. In 1694, after a crushing 11-9 defeat at the Tregynnog National Stadium, the English abandoned the whole scheme.

In the year 1794 Sir John Roache, with the help of the British Army, called an end to the fighting by separating Wales from England using a fruit knife (see the England article for more information on this historic event). Nowadays the country of Wales floats freely and happily in the Atlantic Ocean and for this reason is only shown on maps of Europe when it floats within range of the edge of the sheet.

A legislature of their own[edit]

The Welsh cabinet, debating constitutional reform.

After the separation from England in 1974, Wales held a referendum on whether to forget about politics and live the simple life, or to establish some sort of legislative body. The vote was a crushing defeat for the supporters of politics when the only person who bothered voting flipped a coin and decided on a simple life.

By 1997, however, the Welsh were growing restless. The lack of a legislative body had deprived them of their greatest pastime, arguing. Therefore they decided to form the Welsh County Council. Although officially based in a greenhouse in Cardiff Bay, the members usually meet every other Thursday at Clwb y Bont in Pontypridd. Not only has it been a great arena for arguing, petty point scoring and big boasts (again, the bastions of Welsh sport) but, quite unexpectedly, it has improved the lives of the Welsh population. Most analysts accredit this to the Council’s immense wealth which it has amassed by threatening the European Union with the possibility of dumping thousands of annoying horns outside the stadiums of every professional team on the continent. To keep Wales at bay the EU funds its every whim.

Some of the most high-profile schemes funded by the County Council include the popular game-show Dr Who?, keeping Charlotte Church in England, half price pints for under 16s on a Thursday across Wales and free travel for people with three legs on local bus services between 11pm and 1am in the Valleys. The rest of their budget is spent on supplying the Department for Racial Diversity and Linguistic Purity (Welsh: Bwrdd Croeso i Gymru Saeson Ewch Adref) with paper napkins and plastic coffee stirrers.

Civil War[edit]

Recently the Welsh have been living under the cloud of a Cold Civil War, begun shortly after the establishment of the Welsh County Council. While the whole point of the body was to encourage arguing and fighting, the Welsh appetite for such actions was clearly underestimated. The County Council poured resources into the Southern areas, building icons such as the Centurion Stadium, the Armadillo Centre and, of course, the Greenhouse Council House. Frayed tempers soon erupted into conflict when a small and highly trained army from the South kidnapped Robin McBryde, holding him hostage. The North retaliated by kidnapping Dr. Who.

The buffer zone between North and South is known by its own, internal inhabitants as "Mid Wales". Borders are disputed, but are believed to originate somewhere between Pwllheli and Aberystwyth. However, in official parlance the term "Demilitarised Zone" is preferred, as all of our soldiers have been sent off to die somewhere abroad, like Afghanistan or Croydon. Wales is believed to have stockpiled plentiful arsenals of weapons-grade boredom and dysentery, two of the country's main exports before the North switched over to sour grapefruit Juche.

While Southern analysts have put the blame purely on the shoulders of what they deem the jealous North, Northern analysts claim the same in reverse, that is, that the South is simply jealous of the fact that North Wales got Rhyl.

Fears of Disintegration[edit]

Notwithstanding the impending civil war, there is a real fear of the disintegration of Wales. The 4th biggest, and some say most influential, city in Wales, Llandwrog, has recently been pushing for independence. Their claim lies in a thousand year old poem “Wylit Wylit Llandwrog, Wylit waed pe gwelit hyn”. Other towns that appear to be following suit include The Millennium Stadium, Borth, Portmeirion, and, most disturbingly of all, the Brains Brewery. Newport recently announced their intention to seek independence, but no-one in Wales seemed to care.

In 1259 the Last King of Wales, Llywelyn the Daft, decided to try and cut Wales off from England, and float off somewhere warmer, Australia probably. So Llywelyn set all the men of the kingdom to dig down as far as they could until they reached the bottom of the sea, and they could float off. The Englishmen helped as well, because they were sick of the sight of the Welsh people as well, and the smell of cheese. Obviously, with a medieval understanding of geology the whole enterprise was doomed to failure. Llywelyn's men blamed him for this, and to take their revenge, they confiscated his sheep. There is a permanent trench between Wales and England, named after Llywelyn's method of death disgrace, these days known as Offa's Dyke. The Welsh people never forgot this ambition, and when they discovered Australia they named it New Wales, but again the English people foiled their plans, and only New South Wales remains of this.

Famous people[edit]

There have been many has even been a successful Welsh man throughout the course of history. David Lloyd George somehow managed to become Prime Minister (which is more than can be said for Hesletine), although it is today widely believed that the ballot-paper-writers believed that David, Lloyd and George were three separate people, and wrote their names down three times accordingly. Neil Kinnock also tried to become Prime Minister, but somehow managed to convince people to vote for Maggie instead, even though they all hated her. Ryan Giggs is often credited as being Welsh too, although the truth is that he was born in Cardiff, which is borderline by anyone's standards. Michael Owen (the wendyballer, not the former captain of the Welsh rugby team) decided definitively not to be Welsh, and in a strange turn of insanity pretend to be Scouser; apparently preferring to be knocked out of international tournaments on penalties at the knock-out stages, as opposed to taking the more intelligent option of deliberately losing in the qualifying rounds, and spending summer holidays in the Bahamas instead.

Some people also claim that Bernie Ecclestone is Welsh, though we would prefer to admit that he is from Narnia, for obvious reasons. Ian Hislop, (aka the short grouchy one who keeps losing to tubs of lard on "Have I Got News for You") was born in Wales. He, however, keeps this quiet, and prefers to remain more closely affiliated with... tubs of lard. Which is just fine by us boyo.

Geography and natural history[edit]

How Western Europe truly looks from above.

Much of Wales's diverse landscape is mountainous and consists of four main mountain ranges: Snowdonia, Cambrian, the Brecon Beacons, and Mordor. The mountainous areas of Wales are used primarily for agriculture and are heavily populated with farmers, farmers' wives, dragons, sheep, tourists and orcs.

Unlike many other countries of its kind, Wales is completely and utterly invisible. If viewed from above, you will merely see an extension of the Catlantic ocean, and all aerial photographs or satellite images of the area are purely artists' impression.

Famously, Wales has many areas of outstanding natural beauty: the Gower coast, the mountains of Snowdonia, the ferry trip as it parts Holyhead towards Ireland, and the eastward drive over the Severn Bridge (which is free if you're travelling in the right direction). In fact, one of the few things that Wales lacks is an East Coast, a concept much favoured by England but voted out of parliament democratically on more than 300 occasions (only Michael Heseltine's bid to become Prime Minister has been voted out more frequently).

Climate[edit]

Despite living in a permanent waterlogged state, the Welsh are almost exclusively non-swimmers (the descendants of the ones who could swim are now known as Irish and live in Ireland, where they went in prehistoric times to escape the stigma of being Welsh). There were at one time lots of mines which produced Queen Victoria's favourite coal. There are now Eistedfo—err, Eisteddfods, rugby, Doctor Who, and male voice choirs. To keep warm the native Welsh people were accustomed to burning cottages, but this practice has ceased owing to the increasing shortage of raw material.

Religion[edit]

Most Welsh people subscribe to a religion known as 'nonconformist'; while there is a set of Nonconformist Churches, this is only a nice-sounding name for the fact that there is no dominant religion at all. Their love of arguing does not lend itself well to agreeing on a single religion, so they only pretend to agree.

Wales is also well known for being the birthplace of a new cult religion: Dollyanity. Its followers worship Dolly, a cloned sheep. Mocked by Church of England goers for their corny and downright asinine beliefs, Welsh Dollyans (as the followers are known) often retort: "Well at least our leader did come back to life".

National Anthem[edit]

In 1942 under Adolf Hitler's command all the way from Germany, the National anthem was changed from the classic 'England Wae Fek Whales' to the greatly anticipated 'Hae gyvs ay shaet abau Wales', sung drunkenly at every gig that its original composers and performers Derwyddon and Dr. Gonzo go to - and it has just caught on.

  • The song goes like this:
'Dwi'n mynd i'ch brifo chdi,
dwi'n mynd i'ch brifo chdi,
dwi'n mynd i'ch brifo chdi
Neud i chdi waedu.'

Fans enjoy singing it, especially in rugby games when the Welsh beat the English. The English believe that it is some kind of voodoo directed towards them, but in fact the meaning is top secret, and anyone who attempts to reveal it is forced to eat a raw leekleek.

Sport[edit]

The national sport of Wales is arguing. A Welshman takes great pride in his ability to argue with anyone for no apparent reason, even if secretly he agrees. Being from a different county/town/village/street/house/side-of-the-bed is usually enough to guarantee a fight. Supporting a different rugby team guarantees a war. The only time when Welshmen refrain from arguing with each other is when there's an Englishman present. In such a situation the Welsh become brothers-in-arms and turn on the intruder, with whom they disagree completely.

Following the 3rd Law of Physics, which states that every country has to be good at something, the Welsh are quite skilled in the art of throwing a ball around. In one memorable match they managed to throw and catch the ball a stunning 21 times. The English struggle with this, and are often prone to hissy fits of jealousy. Also, while playing rugby against Welsh women, the English normally run away scared making the excuse that they are "going for a pot of tea". However it must be noted that the Welsh have thus far failed to win any significant international tournament and indeed were incapable of beating the fearsome nation of Fiji in the last world cup. However they gained their revenge by getting the EU to nuke Fiji.

The national stadium of Wales is the Millenium Stadium, which has an all seater capacity of 5 and its own county council. Other grounds sometimes used for for national events include The Racecourse in Wrexham and Dan-Yr-Ogof Caves.

Historically, the Welsh have been world-beaters in the popular sport of "Burn the Englishman's Holiday Home". Unfortunately for the Welsh this sport was outlawed in 2003 due to EU constraints on carbon emissions.

A popular sport is the Welsh Pentathalon, which is a team sport consisting of four events: male voice choir singing, love spoon carving, the consumption of brains, and listening to Shirley Bassey.

The favoured sport in rural Wales is traditional sheep racing, where they particularly enjoy jumping up and down near the rear ends of the sheep. The Welsh are particularly pompous about sport as they take the credit when a BRITISH sportsman wins a cup in the Olympics.

The traditional English game of Countdown was invented in Wales, however this was quickly dropped when they ran out of consonants. The rules of the game were so complex that only a Prestatyn's Maths Brainbox of the Year Champion, one Carol Vorderman, was able to understand it, and so was recruited as its co-presenter.

Eisteddfod[edit]

A popular annual event is that of the Eisteddfod (lit. Empty Tent). It is said to recreate the mythological sacrifice of the Ffalabalam teddies as set out in ancient texts from 1903. Recent research, however, suggests that this to be a mistranslation of the original text, which was actually just a weather report from Sian Lloyd.

The Eisteddfod is considered the most important event in Wales. Loads of dirty old men dressed up in bedsheets and table cloths ogle scantily-clad little girls and boys frolicking about in an orgy of self-adulation. (Perverts to the rest of you.) Children and near-death grannies parade in a gigantic empty tent, trying to remember more Welsh words than the person before them. Everyone between the age of 12 and 31 is at the Youth Village (Maes-B) drinking 98% vodka out of plastic cups. Everyone between the age of 32 and 54 is in caravans, drinking 98% vodka out of crystal glasses.

The main event is the Chairing of the Bard. Hopeful Bards from across the land line up on stage whilst a young girl starts singing Mi Welais Jac y Do. All the Bards skip around a number of chairs until the music stops, when they sit down. Whoever is left standing gets a letter. When a Bard has enough letters to spell LL-A-N-F-A-I-R-P-W-LL-G-W-Y-N-G-Y-LL-G-O-G-E-R-Y-CH-W-Y-R-N-D-R-O-B-W-LL-LL-A-N-T-Y-S-I-L-I-O-G-O-G-O-CH-B-E-R-G he is out and a chair is removed. Whoever lasts until the end gets to keep the chairs to chop into firewood. In the infamous 1917 Eisteddfod in Birkenhead the final two Bards, in their rush for the final chair, crashed into each other knocking both unconscious. Naturally, being in Birkenhead, by the time they woke up some local had stolen the chair and, for the only time in Welsh history, no-one received the chair.

Art[edit]

Art is flourishing in Wales. Barely a bypass, ruin, road sign or caravan in the country is not colourfully decorated by budding artists. It used to be a national pastime to paint beautiful slogans on houses. Some locals protested to having their houses decorated - thankfully, English visitors who owned holiday homes in Wales welcomed the artists with open arms and tourist villages such as Abersoch became a haven for art lovers. In the 1970s a campaign group of Philistines waged a war against Welsh art by burning down the buildings on which these slogans were painted. The poor holiday home owners, who had done so much for Welsh culture by giving the space for the artists to draw, were left without a home to visit on the weekends.

Wales is renowned for its distinctive architecture, which consists of thousands of very small grey houses arranged to look like necrotising fasciitis infections in the most beautiful glacier valleys in the world. In 1851, Welsh architect and town-planner Gwylym Hwlchwlch won the Wooden Pail of Ale Prize for designing Merthyr Tydfil, widely held to rival Venice as the "Most Beautiful City in the World" and recently awarded World Heritage status by the Betws-y-Coed Working Men's Club.

Crime[edit]

Contrary to the precedent set by Tom Jones the Thief, crime is low in Wales. The two most common crimes are ram-raiding and having sex with a miner, the latter being considered a heinous offence because they are the primary workforce of the country and are typically not allowed to have fun. The miners' foremen discourage fun because they are certain that it muddles the brain and causes distraction which has been demonstrated to be a leading cause death amongst mine workers. However, sheep sex is both legal and socially encouraged especially as most Welsh lamb is sold locally and they love the taste of the seasoning. Many crimes today are caused by sheep theft and very slow tractor hit and run.

Language[edit]

Main article: Welsh language

The Welsh speak English as their first language, but they all pretend to speak the Welsh language when TV cameras are near, when threatened, or upon the sight of foreigners and Englishmen (even though they don't know what they're saying).

There is a small town in Wales known as "Walesia" which is 50% English and 50% Swedish speaking. By law, all visitors to this town must be fluent in one or the other of these languages, and not in Welsh. This is a result of the migration of a cult from the Swedish community of Arboga in 1934 who believed that Wales is the promised land. The cult is now largely dead but the town retains its distinctly Swedish culture and traditions such as the "Annual Meatball Harvest Festival" along with the "Eurovision Song Contest".

Welsh Colonies[edit]

Welsh Congo[edit]

The Welsh Congo is actually the Welsh name for England, but the English do not know this because they've been in The Matrix since 905AD. There is a rather spiffy article on it on Uncyclopedia, which you also are on unless you are a psychic or a Psyduck reading the mind of someone who is on Uncyclopedia.

Welsh Patagonia[edit]

In 1865, a group of Welshmen who had grown weary of their wet, inhospitable and infertile land moved to the wet, inhospitable and infertile land of Patagonia in Argentina. When they discovered that no-one there knew English they happily settled. Today the Welsh language is still spoken in some parts of Patagonia. Local cafés still advertise "Sgons & Jam" for sale, while the local McDonald's (known throughout Wales as ApDonaldiau) allows you to order, as the Welsh do, "Ap-go-Fawr, sglodion Ffrengig a Choc plis."

Economy[edit]

The economy in Wales used to be built upon sheep mines. These often caved in and took the local economy down at the same time. Children are still conscripted to the mines at the age of 5 for a 10 year service. Parents who wish to give their children an advantage in life buy them the Back Garden Sheep Mine Building Set at the age of 3 (available at all Welsh branches of Tesco.)

These days, however, the main part of the entire economy consists of a pub in every house and B&B on every corner (required by law to charge double for English customers and put a pea under their mattresses). However, the Welsh Development Agency has plans to help the economy diversify, for example by selling the Saxon Radar (a device capable of identifying English people, by their bulging wallets, at distances of up to 400 yards) to other countries - it has proven itself so successful in Wales that every Welsh person already has one, and now has no trouble finding a rich visitor to fleece.

Education[edit]

The educational system in Wales is basically children held at gunpoint and forced to learn an impossible language, sing in choirs, and act (in hope of one day featuring on S4C). However, said children tend to deny this for fear of being given extra homework. Homework usually consists of conjugating a lot of verbs that would much rather be doing something more interesting, and often do. When the verbs get away, the poor student trying to control them is usually blamed for it.

In spite of these difficulties, the system is greatly improved from the days when children were forced to learn an even more impossible language.

Universities in Wales[edit]

Universities in Wales were abolished over a century ago. It was thought that the English were trying to control the minds and souls of the Welsh. As such, a learned Welsh scholar who held multiple doctorates from universities throughout Wales decided to abolish universities. He remains today the smartest Welsh sheep. Some have come to challenge this claim, but they are often drunk, and so are dismissed.

References[edit]

  1. Welsh for 'arguing' and 'war'.


See also[edit]

  British flag.gif   Barmy British Stuff   British flag.gif