Stephen Fry

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Stephen Fry as Oscar Wilde, or is that the other way around?
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Stephen St. Margaret Anthony Cicely Hogmanay Sebastian Reginald Jeeves Fry (born 24 August 1957) is a celebrated English androgyne, male impersonator, female impersonator, quasi-comic actor, quasi-serious actor, and universal genius and polymath, who is best known for his roles in such historical epics as Blackadder (in which he effortlessly incarnated the insane General Melchett) and any other role that requires a patrician, superior and invariably unsympathetic character with a lah-di-dah enunciation of English together with a crooked physiognomy.

Fry is the prototypical English man/woman, and the highly uncommon clay from which he is made is believed to consist virtually entirely of extremely condensed Englishness (it has been established that Wilde, thought by some to be Fry's biological grandfather, had no Irish blood in him whatsoever). It is stated in DeBrett's that his scientifically measured English content is an unheard-of 378%, roughly twice the content of the average boarding school pupil, four times the content of the average citizen of Great Britain, and sixteen times that of Queen Elizabeth II.

Among Fry's many achievements is that of being a manic depressive from his birth in 1957. In the opinion of many he is considered a national treasure who should be locked up or buried deep underground for safekeeping, and is also the most sexually attractive living person[1]. Moreover, the fact that Stephen has not been made into a Dame of the British Empire is ranked as one of the seven greatest mysteries of the world. In a recent survey Stephen Fry was voted the crookedest straight man in Britain.

Early Life[edit]

Stephen Fry was born in Kazakhstan (in 1957[2]) to a Mrs. Stephanie Fry, late of Cockfoster, and Oscar Wilde IV, a clone of Oscar Wilde. His early life was spent traveling the country as part of his parents' goat-herding business. At the age of 10, he discovered a magic talisman[3] which gave him the power to make a statement, and have it automatically became true; he still uses this power to this day.[4] He attended the London School of Oscar Wilde Studies until he was expelled for persistent over-use of paradox. After this, he attended Oxford, Cambridge, Yale, and Harvard simultaneously (the phenomenon of multilocation (the ability to be in several places at the same time) being just one of his multifarious talents) while also being Union president of all four, as well as the leading light of the Cambrige footlights and Tony Blair's advisor on gayness, doublespeak, non-denial denial, inane-smiling, cherry-picking and never being wrong. Following his graduation with a septuple first (excelling even Wilde, who could only manage a double), he began a career of crushing Alan Davies, and enslaving him to his will. Following the enslavement, he plans to have him run for Parliament and then become prime minister; later still, he will possess Alan and control the country. It is rumored Stephen's first act as Prime Minister will be to conquer India and then America in order to banish ignorance, together with all forms of normality and heterosexuality from the face of the Earth. He enjoys a very happy, unconsummated marriage to Mrs. Edna Fry, who has, to date, borne him approximately 8 children; though neither of them are really sure or even care.

Career[edit]

Uncle Stephen's Autobiography.

Having spent much of his life as a radio presenter, writer, actor, valet to Hugh Laurie, and as the general Voice of British Things, Stephen Fry's career is of course far too vast a phenomenon to express in mere words; to rectify this, over forty of the most brilliant mathematicians worldwide are now working around the clock on a mathematical formula for it, but its full extent, like an insidious pandemic, will probably never be known. Unfortunately, the downside of this almost universal wonderfulness is that very bad things all too often happen to Stephen as well: in 1995 he escaped to Belgium after some spiteful and envious newspaper journalists had said some not-terribly-nice things about his acting in a West-End play, and in 2008 he cut himself shaving (his legs and pubes). Diddums.

When Stephen is not busy making documentaries about his mild insanity or gayness, he can be found hosting the quiz show QI[5] in which the guests have to produce as many interesting revelations about Jeremy Clarkson's sexuality[6] as possible in a forty-minute time period. Fry's main activity in this is to humiliate Alan Davies as many times as possible in the same period, by declaring his seemingly correct assumptions of Clarkson's sexuality to be completely incorrect. However, recent media speculation has brought to public attention that this humiliation may in fact be a thinly veiled attempt to disguise an intense sexual tension between the pair. Indeed, an unnamed source has described Fry and Davies as "the most homoerotic double act since Oscar and Bosie". It is equally rumored that allegations of this affair prompted a jealous Hugh Laurie's well-documented addiction to Vicodin.

Relationship with Hugh Laurie[edit]

Stephen, on a rescue mission to the States.

Stephen and Hugh first met when Stephen, looking for work to pay for his University fees, became Hugh's valet. They instantly fell in love and later went on to create several documentaries about their domestic life, most notably Jeeves and Wooster. However, Stephen's mad love affair with Apple products created a rift between the two, which culminated in the canceling of all their shows and the kidnapping of Hugh by the Americans. Stephen has made several attempts to rescue Hugh. However, all have been unsuccessful because Stephen is just too damned English. Evidence of Stephen's longing for Hugh has, on occasion, leaked out into the public domain; it was recently revealed that Fry had been illegally downloading episodes of House M.D. just so he could see Hugh.

Twitter[edit]

Since 2008 Fry has been quietly building an army of followers (or Fries) using the popular online ornithological service Twitter, which he also invented. It is feared that one day he will call his army to rise and lead us all in pleasantly upholstered servitude. Only the massed intellectuals of Barack Obama are thought to be able to stop him. Stephen uses Twitter to protest the treatment of rare bird species, such as the Dodo and Pterodactyl.

Notes[edit]

  1. To male walruses.
  2. If you didn't know already.
  3. Built by God, of course.
  4. God also gave him the power to be right about everything, and generally more omniscient and awesome than Himself.
  5. Or as it's known to the wazzocks, Quasi-intellectual, or Queer Information
  6. For example: "When behind the wheel, he doesn't like drivers of other vehicles going right up his arse."
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