Bloc Party

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Bloc Party, reportedly unhappy about the Benetton sponsorship

Bloc Party are a British political organisation whose main members are Kele Okereke, Russell Lissack and Gordon Moakes. Its aim is to garner government sponsorship for apathy and sulkiness amongst good looking, Camden-based middle class young people. They attempt to achieve this through the medium of whiny, tuneless music and appearing moody yet undeniably cuddly on camera.

Kele OkerekeKele Okereke striking an eloquent pose in the style of his idol/secret lover, Madonna

Early Career[edit]

Russell "Asymmetrical" Lissack, Kele Okereke and Gordon "Pouty Boy" Moakes met at a party called the 'Reading Festival'[1] in 1999 when they found themselves all awkwardly sharing the same corner. After two hours of uncomfortable silence, they found they had a lot in common and formed the organisation the very same night, taking inspiration from the 'blocs' of cheese the other party-goers were idly throwing at them. After recruiting former Spock stand-in Matt Tong as secretary, they accidentally took the indie music scene by storm, which by championing a band fronted by a black person could claim it didn't mind non-whites, as long as they didn't make non-white music.

Manifesto[edit]

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The essential thrust of Bloc Party's manifesto is that moping around the house feeling mildly disaffected is a woefully unsubsidised sector of today's society, a situation that must be rectified by diverting money away from health, welfare and education. Even such a piddling sum of money as 50 million pounds, says the party, would be enough to fund the construction of grumpy twenty-somethings up and down the country, whilst the NHS would probably just spend it all on sweets and super bugs or something.

Current Status[edit]

Despite accumulating a large following, particularly amongst the military community following the success of single "Four More Years", and making some headway in local government (Bloc Party currently control West Hackney and half of Poland), the organisation is currently in the middle of a crisis following the disappearance of vocalist/president Kele Okereke. Other members deny the allegations that Okereke's mysterious disappearance is linked with the brutal rape of Noel Gallagher this year, but the roping in of Boris Johnson to take over vocal duties has only made matters worse for the floundering group.

Death of Gordon Moakes[edit]

In the early hours of 1 February 2007, Bloc Party were involved in a tube crash. Most of the band emerged unscathed, except bassist Gordon Moakes. The band was almost torn apart, as they had been ill-prepared for any genuine mental anguish. But they resolved to carry on: "It's what Gordon would have wanted", said Okereke. These events, as well as the auditions for Moakes' replacement, are covered in the band's new documentary, Some Kind of Helicopter.

Okereke has stated that "Gordon was a martyr, he just needed a motive and a cause."

Moakes has since been blamed for the latest string of terrorist attacks, including the London attacks in the tube which tragically took his life when he detonated his bass guitar bomb. Moakes has also been rumoured to have been connected with the pouty boy expression, making things explode with his mind, and urinating beer in public.

Trivia[edit]

  • Bloc Party were the first band other than Arctic Monkeys to appear on the cover of NME. However, the interview was centred around how much the Arctic Monkeys mean to them. "Alex is my favourite", Kele "I like apples" Okereke said, in a manner not dissimilar to Gary Glitter.
  • Bloc Party have a feud with Green Day, Kele "cool hair" Okereke was quoted as saying "I don't like them. They are a threat. All your base are belonging to us Green Day!"
  • Kele "Aren't I cute? Eh?" Okereke doesn't like American kids, modern loves, eating glass, drinking poison or the price of gas. He does, however, like banquets. His favourite holiday destination is Kreuzberg. He also still remembers that one time he almost touched hands with a friend by a canal, that being his only sexual experience.
  • Kele "indie boy with cool hair" Okereke refuses to talk about his sexuality in public, feeling it might damage his political and music career. Which is odd because, bar Fred Phelps, nobody actually gives a shit.

Notes[edit]

  1. Though it appears they were not actually reading anything, strangely enough.