UnBooks:So, you woke up next to a hooker: a guide to general etiquette
Recent American laws dictate that there must be a reason for being with everyone you meet (see book of Hilton). New Best Friend Laws dictate that proper decorum and etiquette are used when with a member of the opposite sex. The following rules were first set out in 1906, promptly lost behind the refrigerator, only to be discovered accidentally in 2002 (March).
Generally you can refer to yourself as "John" as most hookers have a predisposition to call you this according to hooker practices and standards law 2260. You should feel quite comfortable, however, calling your companion by any of the following pet names: "Stupid Dirty Whore", "Skank Cunt", "If You Have a Dick I'll Kill You", or "Marcy". Generally as you are still expected to still be dazed by the alcohol and narcotics most hookers will be nice enough to gently jab you in the ribs in order to wake you from your sleep.
Tipping, 10% or 5%
For most services this charge is already applied to your earlier purchase and should show up in your receipt as "service charge" also depending on the type of service you may want to offer the hooker a shower, something to eat or a beard trim as it may very likely be her only chance to have anything of that sort for quite a while so a true gentleman will encourage the hooker to accept both and pay for her service. Remember, even one of our founding fathers Benjamin Franklin after a long night of hookering, as he would call it, would offer both. And yes, hookers do get a kick out of attempts to run a credit card through their vaginas. But if a receipt (or anything else for that matter) pops out, run like the wind blows - preferably north.
Generally a hooker will be picked up by her pimp but on the odd occasion that she is not you may offer to give her a ride which if she happens to be on the way to work may allow you to drive carpool further stretching your dollar
The next question to ask yourself, before all the others is: "Have I murdered this hooker?" If you have not, the hooker will most likely still be breathing, albeit shallowly. If, on the other hand, you cannot remember what has happened, your hands are covered in blood, and the hooker is him/herself in a state of dismemberment, then congratulations! You are on your first step towards becoming a serial killer, and will join the illustrious ranks of Charlie Manson, Mohindas Ghandi, and Optimus Prime. The next step is to send a threatening message to the police station, and come up with a cooky moniker for yourself. Most serial killers are named after the manner or location of their killings, for example, the "Cincinnati Vivesector", or the "West Lake Bludgeoner". If you kill the hooker, you will get your money back.
Controversy & Undeath
In the unlikely event that you are someone important, that the hooker is dead, that you are a necromancer, that the hooker or her pimp is a necromancer or that either or both worship the dark gods, or that the media has discovered your shameful secret, it is important to do one of three things:
- Summon your aides. This may be your secretary, cabinet, advisers or thralls/ghouls. These people/things may have valuable experience in these situations and may be able to help.
- Lie/Deny/Act Shy/Cry/Shit pants. Under no circumstances should you admit to the hooker or the media that you had sex with her/them or that you are a necromancer.
- Initialize Hyper-drive.
How to deal with unruly visitors
There are many options when being walked in on, there are also many people that could walk in on you. For example, your girlfriend or a dog.
You can deal with these visitors in many ways:
- Ask them to join you
- SHOOT 'IM IN THE HEAD!!! SHOOT 'IM IN THE HEAD!!! HIS AXE IS ON FIRE! HE KILLED YOUR PARENTS.
- Pleasantly ask them to leave whilst you finish up.
- Although step 3 is controversial, it is known that sexual intercourse is a chilvarous way to keep women's mouths shut, or in case of police investigation; most police officers have little to no sexual activity. Pleasing them can lead to getting off[pun?] the hook.
- 11.5 + 3 out of 10 experts say option number 3 is the best option to use in these situations.