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DIY and Carpentry Tips by Jesus Christ is the third book to be written by Jesus and the second to be written by Him in His capacity as Son of God. Millions pre-ordered copies hoping it would continue the themes established in the previous two volumes, and potentially clarify matters that had been disputed by theologians for the last two millennia. However, many were disappointed to discover that the title was in no way allegorical in nature, and the book contains only useful information on basic carpentry.
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You see, children, when I was about your age, I figured out that my parents despised me, and I did something about it. Now that I've grown up a little, I decided to write this helpful guide, so I can assist any and all of you that might be in serious danger. What should you do if your parents wish your death upon you, and hope you only suffer? You'll find out soon. But first, I've designed a little test that should help you know if your parents really do hate you.
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Shall I compare thee to a Winter's day?
Thou art more unpleasant and more frigid:
Rough skin doth shape thy sagging breasts of grey,
And Winter's touch doth not leave me rigid:
Sometimes the bright glare of hot flashes shine,
And often am I burned within thy midst;
The seasons they change as thy looks decline....
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