UnScripts:Man Struggles to Explain Anal Sex to Son

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SCENE 1. A funeral has just taken place. A father and son sit together beside their car, looking over a large, green field. They are still wearing most of the clothes from the service, but with top buttons undone and ties removed, cast over the car seats like weightless nooses.

father-son1.jpg
Father:
You OK, son?
Son:
(looking down) I guess.
Father:
I know it's been a hard day, but I think we gave your mother a good send off, you know?
Son:
(swallowing) Yeah.
Father:
Before… before your mother went up to heaven, she asked me to speak to you about a few things. She said she'd… started to talk to you a little about the birds and the bees.

SON squirms a little.

Father:
But that you hadn't got very far before she had to go off with the doctors. Yeah?


FATHER nudges SON's shoulder. SON makes a quiet noise signalling assent.

Father:
She left me some notes, like a to do list. (taking it out) Do you know what anal sex is, Danny?
Son:
(turning round suddenly, taken aback) Annie sex?
Father:
ANAL sex. Of the anus. (points helpfully to own)
father-and-son.gif
Son:
What?
Father:
It's a different way to do it. (pause) If you like, you can put your willy up a girl's bum.
Son:
(having only recently got used to the idea that he could put his whole willy in a girl's moo-moo) Ugh!
Father:
What?
Son:
Why? Why would you put anything near someone's bum?
Father:
(the first signs of faltering) Er, I don't know. Some... some people think it's naughty.
Son:
It's hooorible. (pause) Isn't it all pooey?
Father:
I... don't know really. No, not really. Probably not. You probably wouldn't... you probably won't be thinking about it.
Son:
I'm never gonna do it.
Father:
Ah you will, trust me. In ten years' time, even if you have an otherwise perfect sex life, it will feel empty unless you get to have a bit of anal sex now and again.
Son:
Why?
Father:
Em, I mean, it just feels really nice and tight.
Son:
But aren't girls'... things tight too?
Father:
(going over own argument in head) Yeah I mean, actually sometimes bums can be too tight and it's hard work.
Son:
So they're pooey AND hard work?
Father:
(faltering more) Well... I think more than the sensation, it's probably just the air of permissiveness that comes with it.
father-son-beach-5.jpg

SON looks at FATHER, uncomprehending in the face of his choice of vocabulary.

Father:
(as though justifying his interest in the act to a sceptical female friend) In the 1950s, I think sex itself was a big deal, you know, all that language about girls "putting out" like it was a real big, er, deal. Since that period came to an end, people have become more and more open to sex, so I think there's something attractive to - to uh, some men - about girls who go that extra mile.
Son:
Men like girls who let them near their poo?
Father:
Well, no, like I said, you don't really see any poo. I mean, I've never had an poo-related, er, problems.
Son:
But that's still where the poo comes out isn't it?
Father:
Well yes. It certainly is.

Pause.

Son:
Do the girls want us to do it to them?
Father:
Mmm some do... but not usually, no.
Son:
So some of them like it?
Father:
Yeah... or they put up with it. Or they like having it done to them, it makes them feel, erm, kinky, or whatever.
Son:
Mummy said if I am a good man and I talk and listen to my wife, then she will enjoy being inti-mit with me.
Father:
Yeah, that's true son, I think that's true. It's all about communication, and like, an exchange, really. An exchange of pleasure.
Son:
So if I have a choice between something I like and something the girl likes too, or something that I like and she just puts up with...why would I choose the other one? The pooey one?
Father:
I don't know like, (searching) for me it was... it was nice with my first girlfriend, because, you know, obviously you always have to wear condoms so you... you don't get pregnant and stuff. So the only time - for a long time - I did it without a condom, was, that way.
Son:
So if you do it that way, you don't get pregnant or diseases and stuff?
Father:
(backtracking) Well no, you do get... you can catch diseases. I think, um. I think actually it might be easier to catch diseases that way. But I was talking about my first girlfriend, we were both virgins. Well, she'd been with one guy, I think.
Son:
Ugh, had he been up her bum too?
Father:
No.... and that's a nice thing about it. I couldn't take her virginity, which was a bit of a downer, but I was the first guy to...
Son:
Ugh, dad! This is disgusting!
Father:
(sighs, exasperated, then tuts) I wish your mum was still here Danny, she could do this a lot better than I can.
Anus-bleaching.jpg
Son:
You did it with mummy?
Father:
Well yeah. A lot, actually. Especially after you were born.

SON bursts into tears. FATHER puts arm around him but he is inconsolable. FARMER peers over fence.

Father:
(rolls eyes, resigned tone of voice as though saying "Kids, eh?") Anal sex! He'll understand when he's older.

Lights low. FARMER takes secateurs to hedge. A SECOND FARMER appears, also with secateurs, and the pair begin to cut at the hedge from both sides.