Gramp's Insane Ramblings: Life Lessons
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
- Well, you know I don't have long for this world. That's why I'm gonna tell you everything I learned about life. I expect you will read this to your kids for me, otherwise you won't get any of my damn life insurance money. Understand ya little bastard? Good.
- First off, your mother is a slut. She just finished having sex with with Horatio. You know, he's that Mexican fucker down the hall (You met him when you first brought me here.). In fact, all women are sluts. I'm quite tempted to include a crudely drawn illustration to prove my point, but I don't have the crayons to draw it with. Instead, I'll just tell you all women are sluts. If I remember to get some crayons when I go to the store later, I'll draw it out for you. But no guarantees. I'm not a fucking Wal-Mart store, dammit! In fact, they fired me... Said I was the worse greeter since Dick Cheney worked there... Apparently touching women's breasts as they entered is classified as "sexual harassment", nowadays. Back in my day, it was impolite not to cop-a-feel. How I long for the 50s! Back then, the only women on television were housewives who weren't allowed to have jobs. Too bad those days are gone.
- Anyway, the economy is falling apart and it's your generation's fault, not mine! You Fucking Die! If you think I am going to accept Medicare cutbacks just to bail your generation out, you better get bent. Here is what you are going to do. First, you are going to write a savvily apology to me for voting a nigger-boy into the White House! We didn't do that back in my day. Nope. Closest we ever came to having racial equality was when we elected a Catholic to be president. After you do that, your going to send me some nude pictures of your wife. She's my daughter-in-law, and I have the right to look at her in my leisure time! I want to see her naked now before her boobs hang as low as Mr. T's chains!!
- Also, the Moon Landing was faked. Look it up. The liberals lied about it just to get elected (Thankfully, it didn't work and Tricky Dicky won. He was our only president to not lie, other than Reagan and the Bushes.). NASA stands for "Niggers Are Stalking All whities". That's why I was a part of the assassination of that darkie Martin Luther King Jr.. You're fucking welcome. But you're not thankful for that, are ya? Nope! You're nothing but a bastard hippie, you homo. You failed me as a son, so your son will fail you. Karma, bitch.
- Um... What else... Oh yeah, the reason I didn't pay for your college was because I was donating half of my income to the KKK. Also, I invited Michael Jackson over once to molest you, but he said you were too fucking ugly. That's right, Skeletor said you were too ugly for him. Or maybe you were just too old... I mean, you were 24 when I offered you to him... But you're still fucking ugly. And you have a pencil-dick.
- You know that saying, "Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger"? That's bullshit. Just ask a fucking amputee if they're physically stronger now or before they had a limb amputated. And don't try that "Well, they're stronger emotionally" crap with me. Only fags have emotions. Besides, you dropped out of college. You only have your B.A. in psychology, not a PhD. To be a psychologist, you have to have a PhD. Nice job failing at education and your career, bud. All the guys here at the nursing home think it's hilarious that you're a receptionist.
- Another thing you need to know: never go to a hooker. They cost too much, and you risk contracting herpes. Just find a duck and whack that mallard till it's feathers bloom. They're tighter, younger, and wetter. Also, nobody cares if you break their pelvis when pounding it, unlike with little kids. And don't act like you aren't into that sort of thing. I remember the way you looked at Daisy Duck... Well, I remember how you looked at Donald Duck. Plus, the ducks won't mind your pencil-dick.
- Now, I leave you with a picture of me looking at porn.
Those two girls are fucking hot!
- P.S. Alcohol is the only friend of an old man. It's time you start learning that.
- P.P.S. I'm serious about the ducks. God put them on this earth for you to fuck. Just do it.
- P.P.P.S. There is no God. When you die, you just rot in the ground. Religion is crap.
- P.P.P.P.S. Here's the picture I mentioned earlier. Drew it while the nurse (Gay-but-still-strangely-attractive Bob, not Hot Jane) changed my diaper. Too bad I only had crayons. I really wanted to finger-paint it... Oh well.
Look at all their slutty parts, dammit! Especially the bajingo! Stupid cow whores!