Wife OS
- Disambiguation:
- This is not Wife or Ex-wife.
- This is also not Girlfriend, My Mom, Your Mom, or Ex-girlfriend.
Wife OS
Welcome to the Wife Operating System online handbook.
- Currently we are experiencing technical difficulties (ie. the Boss is watching), our IT department will upload the manuals of Wife OS asap!!
- Currently we are experiencing technical difficulties (ie. the Boss is watching), our IT department will upload the manuals of Wife OS asap!!
Wife OS is an operating system.
Wife OS versions[edit | edit source]
Versions by date of install[edit | edit source]
- This can be checked by examining the signed "Marriage Certification" document. The version date will be listed as Marriage Date.
- pre- 1959 - Most durable versions. Capable of taking a lot of crap without need of reset. Also includes largest self-auto-fix-tools set (not included in later versions).
- 1960 - 1969 - Large degree of variability, highly dependent on Wife manufacturer as to which Wife OS was installed. (no manuals available, too many versions undocumented)
- 1970 - 1979 - Large degree of variablility, regardless most deprecated without warning to a GNU Girlfriend beta.
- 1980 - 1985 - Large degree of variablility, many recalls, and many failed reprogramming attempts from previous version.
- 1985 - present - Two major versions exist, none backwardly compatible to any Girlfriend OS versions (hacked or legitimate).
History[edit | edit source]
It is rumored that an anonymous user, with a God-complex, wrote the initial script which later became Wife OS. Oddly, a portion of its architecture (in the current versions of Wife OS) and its original name has survived in a few loosely related notes and scripts.
Eve, as it was originally named, was low on resources and had few input/output routines, thus rendering it useless for complex tasks. Minor developments in hardware improved memory and improved the few available input/output routines, but nowhere near the current capabilites. At that time only simple tasks were required, not requiring much more than what was available.
To date, the most dramatic milestone occurred when a small insignificant company, called Apple, that had almost no ties to the manufacturing industry that now provides products like Wife, girlfriend, Mom, etc., came onto the scene. The exact date is not known, but the before Apple and after Apple versions of both software and hardware are so vastly different they are completely and totally incompatible. In fact the language used to program Eve is now considered a dead language, as no parsers or compilers exist.
Initially, the early versions of the newly developing Wife OS followed a singular hierarchal programming paradigm now followed by software greats like Linux and Mozilla. However time and intense marketing proved to be an awesome foe to the early developers, many committed suicide, some burned their notes.
pre-1959 full versions[edit | edit source]
Dubbed as, "it may not be a Cadillac, but it runs like a Buick," the pre-1959 versions had one simple paradigm--simple, but sturdy as fuck! While so much more complex than either Eve or the beta versions of Wife OS, this version came with toolsets that nearly rival even the latest versions. Some even argue that reverting back to this version may solve every known incompatibility issue. Others argue that it would be pointless due to the vast difference in archivable subroutines that newer versions use in greater efficiency.
It should also be noted that only the full versions where allowed to be run by the public, as the beta versions were deemed as illegal and carried a penalty when discovered running in the public arena. Beta versions were only allowed in testing regions like Amsterdam or Bangkok, (intermittently Paris had permits for beta testing).
1960 - 1969 versions[edit | edit source]
In the midst of new technology advancements, accessory upgrades were nearly pandemic. Some feared that it was absolutely mandatory to re-architect Wife OS to handle the new accessory advances. While others argued that due to the inherent flexibility of the pre-1959 versions, theoretically the systems would be just fine.
Initially, a major port of pre-1959 was created and proved successful. Typically, they are designated as year/p, for example: 1960/p, to show that it was 100% compatible with new hardware. It was only port of the older version, so it ran identically the same as the pre-1959 OS, just on newer hardware.
However, empty marketing schemes scoffed that the ported OS could not take full advantage of the new hardware without any proof. And without any proof of concept, many fly-by-night OS manufacturers sprang up over night. Absolutely none agreed on a philosophy. As a direct result, an undocumentable number of Wife OS versions exist for this time period. And about as many that were sold, they were sold without documentation. Even the major manufacturers occasionally did not provide documentation.
Occasionally "souped-up" versions of Girlfriend beta that got, occasionally shoddy, makeovers, where sold as full versions of Wife OS. Oftentimes, some OS versions did not require the "Marriage Certification" for installation. Even more odd, some did not check for hardware compatibility, or for previous installations of incompatible OSes. Which resulted in the faulty installation on some human type male units with Wife OS. In areas like, San Francisco, this was reported as a common occurrence.
Whatever the cause, massive number of system crashes occurred, some even resulted in injury. Even scarrier, most companies carried no liability and never guaranteed their product. Other problems included non-intercompatibility, self-uninstall, and infinite loop errors.
1970 - 1979 versions[edit | edit source]
Like the passing of disco, many want to forget the decade of Artificial Stupidity. More bugs were brought in by companies like slackware.
1980 - 1985 versions[edit | edit source]
This period is fondly referred as the period of the Geek. This is the time period when the Browser Wars can claim their roots. Big Geek companies like Amiga, SUN Microsystems, Apple Computer inspired major hardware improvements like FPUs and GUIs. This in turn, inspired functional programming for Wife OS.
During, this period it is recognized that Wife OS made its once and for major turn around. Products were finally performing to manufacturers specifications. However, in this transitional period, Old Tech could still be purchased as new by some retailers.
1985 - present versions[edit | edit source]
Obscure and non-proliferating versions[edit | edit source]
As a historical note there are a few obscure versions worth noting, but this text will not provide anything more than a note. All of these versions where highly proprietary and were never sold on the open market. If anyone did acquire one of these versions, it was out of shear fate.
The most commonly known were written in Chinese, Japanese, Arabic, and several Indo-Sino dialects. These versions while written in different languages functioned nearly similarly, and with similar robustness. However, they did not contain the same amount of output resources or toolsets as found in the pre-1959 full versions mentioned above.
Hardware[edit | edit source]
Wife OS runs on biocomputers in the standard market. However, older Apple Computers are not robust enough to handle current emoticonics, and maintain System Idle Processes. Running, and compiling with the Iostream.h resources helps prevent problems like deprogramming.
The standard hardware required for full implementation is the human type female. Human type female comes with pre-set flash bios. This is always standard from the factory pre-set bios, generally called Woman Bios. Also, factories use a hardware prototype usually called the Jennifer Love-Hewitt-Packard prototype to run test versions of the OS.
The basic bios has been virtually unchanged, due to its capability of being backward and forward compatible. This feature allows any installation of Wife OS to run properly.
Typical highspeed DDR R.A.M. coupled with a highspeed Rambus help keep the system running and prevents System Shock. This problem is usually the cause for excessive wear and also prevents Artificial Stupidity and BSoD.
Command Glossary[edit | edit source]
The command syntax has been upgraded into quasi-AI quasi-object-oriented command structure. For example, when using the search subroutine in Wife OS, short verbal command precedes the object.
Search Commands[edit | edit source]
For instance the command;
Honey, where's the[optional descriptor][object]
would get the general reply;
[affirmation], look[place],[optional descriptor].
The variable [optional descriptor] may be left blank in the command. In the reply, the AI will auto affirm and [optional descriptor] or [affirmation] may be blank or empty depending on circumstance.
|
Example 1: |
Example 2: |
Honey, where's the remote? Oh, I know, look in the dining room. |
Honey, where's the goddamn remote? Excuse me? Look in the living room, where you shoved it up your ass! |
Another, popular search command is:
Honey, I can't find my[optional descriptor][object].
While this command can get the response similar to the above, two other responses by the AI are possible. The AI auto decides which response is best for the situation. The first is like the previous response;
[affirmation], look[place],[optional descriptor].
or one of the following two my possibly be used by the AI in reply;
Did you[action]the[optional descriptor][object][place]
or
Well, where did you put the[optional descriptor][object],[optional descriptor]
As before, the variable [optional descriptor] may be left blank in the command. In the reply, the AI will auto affirm and [optional descriptor] or [affirmation] may be blank or empty depending on circumstance and/or reply used.
|
Example 1: |
Example 2: |
Honey, I can't find my keys. Dear, look in your pants. or Did you put the car keys in the bedroom? or Well, where did you put the keys? |
Honey, I can't find my goddamn keys! Moron, look in your pants. or Did you shove the stupid keys up your ass? or Well, where did you put the stupid keys? Idiot! |
Warnings[edit | edit source]
Be aware, repeating the same command too many times consecutively has been known to cause either a full systems crash or slowed performance, depending on installed options and programs. In some older versions, especially pre-1959, auto-responder-action-codes may be initiated and response may be unpredictable. Overloading the AI-command-reply-system is ill-advised, and in some circumstances may void any warrantees.
Semi-programmable subroutines[edit | edit source]
First as an important note, semi-programmable subroutines are not user programmable. They are modified by the AI to operate under a variety of circumstances. These routines are what give the current AI more functionality, than the pre-1959 versions, and much broader scope of results are realized under the new system codecs.
Warnings[edit | edit source]
Under no circumstances should you attempt to program yourself. Many, many presets and conditionals may be adversly affected, and an unpredictable outcome may occur, such as running away with the mailman.
Auto-start subroutines[edit | edit source]
Auto-start subroutines are code that start usually without warning or reason. Care should be taken when one of these begins.
Abit of advice[edit | edit source]
Wife OS bots, unlike the real thing, do not have feelings, emotions and an inability to understand your commands. It's more like a human husband, perhaps more and more women will prefer to be married to a wife OS (they are much easier to be with women, think of the Ghost in the Shell anime). You know, "roboto-sexuals" are here? Uh oh...time to go back to using that towel, lonely loser.
Known incompatibilities[edit | edit source]
Ex-Wife OS[edit | edit source]
Ex-Wife OS was an old version of Wife OS that many men owned in the 1980s. Eventually as new operating systems such as the newer and improved Wife OS were released, the Ex-Wife OS became boring and was separated from the man in a procedure called divorce. Today Ex-wife can be seen whoring itself out to all men who will have sexual relations with it.
The Ex-wife OS were known to be quite expensive to purchase and maintain. In addition, both operating systems were prone to being resistant when intended for use. Men who used the OS's are very familiar with the blue screen of death, otherwise known as a headache crash. Occasionally this could be solved by pressing I+Love+You. But if they encountered a headache, giving up was the most likely the course of action.
Many men, who grew tired of the many variants of Wife OS including Wife XP Whore Edition, simply switched to the open source operating system known as Asian Brideux (ABridux for short). ABridux is a much cheaper OS, and experiences headaches much less often. ABridux is actually programed to strive to please the male users.
One of the problems with Ex-wife OS was that it turned your hardware green with NV in the presence of a "better packaged" newer OS, and that spoiled the decor of the computer room. Well known colorologist Red Button Skelton commented (when he was alive) that a mixture of red mars the god of war and yellow cowardice actually caused the greening of women, and not David Attenborough as was previously hypothesized.
A recent study has looked deeper into the phenomenon of Ex-wife. It was featured in the movie "Pilates of Silicon Breasts". The study examined the correlation of the decline of the Western Civilization and the feminizing of America.
When the study was released, the general consensus was that the world would be a better place without Ex-wife OS, in fact most men stated they would rather do it "the old fashioned way, by hand" than deal with the issues, headaches, and stupidity of the OS.
Ex-wife OS can be found in most retail outlets that are intended for the female population under the age of 20. The OS works best with 'plug-ins' and new 'skins'. The human interface options for the Ex-wife OS are limited, it really only understands the programing language "BITCH". Getting the OS to perform as desired is very difficult, it only does what it wants when it wants. The old adage of "an OS is only as smart as the operator" takes a whole new meaning.
See also[edit | edit source]
- Husband OS
References[edit | edit source]
- Women's Rights at Wikipedia.