Portal:Art

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Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Art portal.

This is by far the most artistic portal you will ever find.



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Art is generally considered purely a middle/upper class pursuit. However, some examples have practical applications, meaning that they can also be enjoyed by the working classes.

Art is the expression of stupidity or lack of imagination. The word art comes from the Germanic word arsch, which, loosely translated, means "arrrgh"[1].

Art is commonly understood as the act of making love to things that look like nothing much like people and which have no meaning beyond simple description. While art is often indistinguishable from mockery and pointless hobby activities, this boundary can at times be hard to define, as if anyone cares. The term creative arts denotes a collection of disciplines whose principal purpose is the output of material for the viewer or audience to ignore.

As such, art may be taken to include forms ranging from literary forms (posing as a writer or a poet); performance-based forms (a big song and dance over meagre grants; drama about how your genius is not appreciated); visual and "spastic arts" (panting, rupture, pornography); to forms that also have a dysfunctional role, such as pipefitting and pancake design. Art may also be understood as relating to lost creativity, missed æsthetics and the generation of pointless or disturbing emotion that honestly no one cares about.

  1. Interestingly, the modern German word for art is kunst, an anagram of a descriptive term commonly applied to artists.

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Featured Artistic Art Article

As you can see, I have blonde hair in this pic.

Hey guys!

So, you may have seen me hanging around, I'm Mona Lisa. I dunno, I'm kind of a big deal in Italy. Anyways, there's this famous painting of me by this guy named Da Vinci. It's supposedly one of the most famous paintings in the world, I mean, Johannes Vermeer even ejaculated on it once. For a long time it was a one-of-a-kind painting, but now it's all over the place. I think it's like the most copied portrait of all time, well, other than the portraits on money! You can even buy my portrait on rolls of toilet paper — doesn't that make me as famous as Jesus or something?

Basically, I'm pretty much immortal. Instead of growing older like you regular humans, I grow younger at a really slow rate. You've heard of Eve, right? That was me too! At first I was some sort of zombie-vampire type thing, but I didn't have a choice because it's something us Gods have to go through to walk among the mortal, blame Chronos. And don't worry, it was before humans even existed anyways.

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Come across a decent article on art? Well, make sure you wipe it clean, pervert. Then submit it for promotion.
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Art news on Uncyclopedia

Got an art-related news story? You can add it to this portal here.
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This Week's Featured Image

CorregioJupandIo.JPG

Centuries before the invention of Japanese Tentacle Porn, Italian Renaissance artist Antonio Allegri da Correggio was the leading figure in the seedy and oft-times disturbing world of 16th Century Cloud Porn. His paintings, such as Jupiter and Io (depicted above), changed hands for as much as 30 pieces of silver in private shops which were ever fearful of raids by the Italian Vice Squad after the material was made illegal in 1528 following the Cloud P case of the previous year, during which legal experts concluded that anyone exposed to such material was likely to themselves carry out acts of depravity upon innocent cumulonimbusi. Fucking wierdos.

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Selected biography

Rolf Harris has long been forced to disguise his unnaturally long penis.

Rolf Harris was born in a swimming pool in Australia (though it was rumoured he was actually born in a kangaroo's pouch, hence his nickname "Rolfaroo"). Some say he was sent by Satan to rule the world (and KFC for that matter). He was initially christened Jake Peg, (adding "the" later on as an adult) and became a three-legged waltz champion, but his distant cousin Colonel Sanders, (himself a look-a-like of Rolf), was infuriated with this as it was scary for children seeing a picture of Rolf on several KFC advertisments. He paid for his extra leg to be removed and it was then used, in theory, for the 2nd line of the Swastika on the Nazi flag. All together now! Swastika on the Nazi flag....

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Further reading

Below is a list of some other stuff vaguely connected to art:


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Art Quote

“I never said all actors are cattle; what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle”

Alfred Hitchcock


Got a funny quote that's vaguely related to art? Submit it.
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Did you know...

  • ...that nothing Hollywood produces is art, even if it has English actors in it?
  • ...that most cats are excellent architectural engineers?
  • ...that all Wal★Mart stores built since 1990 have been awarded the Pritzker Award for Excellence in Architecture?
  • ...that you can add to the pool of our knowledge here?

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Articles of utmost artistic value

Art | Photography | Poetry | First Gradeism | ASCII art | Bad Art | Surrealism | Dance | Music | Photoshop® | Latte art | Look, It's Art | Graffiti | Fascism (Artistic Movement) | Literature | Artistic licence | Avant-Garde | HowTo:Draw Female Breasts | Abstract expressionism | Baby Impressionism | Conceptual Art | Architecture | UnBooks:Vincent Van Gogh's Things To Do on a Rainy Afternoon


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What You Can Do To Help

  • Find a remarkable article about art, artists, or Art, and suggest it for promotion
  • Help these arty articles. Some will be healed by a simple spell check, others need something a little more drastic
  • Add sombre, boring or otherwise artistic quotes here
  • Found or made an image that'd look nice as a feature? Submit it here
  • Be as artistic as you possibly can
  • Steal a Rembrandt from somewhere and donate it to us

ART MOVEMENTS
AbstractAbstract expressionismArt That Looks Like NothingArtistic LicenceBad ArtConceptual ArtDadaismFirst GradeismFuturismGraffitismLatteismLook, It's ArtMinimalismPhotorealismPop artPost-ModernismRealismThe RenaissanceStill lifeSurrealism(Art Portal)