Portal:Art

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Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Art portal.

This is by far the most artistic portal you will ever find.



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Art is generally considered purely a middle/upper class pursuit. However, some examples have practical applications, meaning that they can also be enjoyed by the working classes.

Art is the expression of stupidity or lack of imagination. The word art comes from the Germanic word arsch, which, loosely translated, means "arrrgh"[1].

Art is commonly understood as the act of making love to things that look like nothing much like people and which have no meaning beyond simple description. While art is often indistinguishable from mockery and pointless hobby activities, this boundary can at times be hard to define, as if anyone cares. The term creative arts denotes a collection of disciplines whose principal purpose is the output of material for the viewer or audience to ignore.

As such, art may be taken to include forms ranging from literary forms (posing as a writer or a poet); performance-based forms (a big song and dance over meagre grants; drama about how your genius is not appreciated); visual and "spastic arts" (panting, rupture, pornography); to forms that also have a dysfunctional role, such as pipefitting and pancake design. Art may also be understood as relating to lost creativity, missed æsthetics and the generation of pointless or disturbing emotion that honestly no one cares about.

  1. Interestingly, the modern German word for art is kunst, an anagram of a descriptive term commonly applied to artists.

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Featured Artistic Art Article

Tracy Emin: "Spunk on a bed? Shoulda spunked on a canvas luv! Aha!"-Sid James

Tracey Emin (or Ermine, the incongruence splits my sides) is a supposed artist, her art being the remnants of a bizarre and perverse life. Her negligible artistry and vile, slack-jawed London accent do nothing to relieve the tedium that is her face. Many are the times that Tracey, laying immobile, has been swept up by roadsweepers mistaking her for a dead badger. Her art - if it must be called such - is "situationalist", which basically means she can't draw or paint. Or write poetry.

Her personality has been compared less favourably to the bit in Jaws where Quint drags his fingernails down the blackboard, and her seminal work - a skanky, cum-laden, whinnet-ridden bed - was exhibited for almost three hours at the Tate Gallery before curators had to spray visitors with industrial strength DDT and Agent Orange lest they catch something such as CHLAMYDIA (shudder). Sadly the incident became infamous as causing the largest mass outbreak of HIV ever in London, according to official records. She also has the despicable affliction of compulsively shoving her cack-laden fingers up her nose in coarse fashion, mistaking it for a gesture of absolute sexiness. Which in her case, looking like an anally extensive weasel with a gherkin up its vagina is obviously not possible.

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Come across a decent article on art? Well, make sure you wipe it clean, pervert. Then submit it for promotion.
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Art news on Uncyclopedia

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This Week's Featured Image

CorregioJupandIo.JPG

Centuries before the invention of Japanese Tentacle Porn, Italian Renaissance artist Antonio Allegri da Correggio was the leading figure in the seedy and oft-times disturbing world of 16th Century Cloud Porn. His paintings, such as Jupiter and Io (depicted above), changed hands for as much as 30 pieces of silver in private shops which were ever fearful of raids by the Italian Vice Squad after the material was made illegal in 1528 following the Cloud P case of the previous year, during which legal experts concluded that anyone exposed to such material was likely to themselves carry out acts of depravity upon innocent cumulonimbusi. Fucking wierdos.

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Selected biography

Women adored her, gay men wanted to be her. What else would you expect from Calvin Klein?

Pop-culture icon and lesbian role-model Frida Kahlo de Rivera (born Magdalena Carmen Frida "Caliente" Kahlo; July 6, 1907 – July 13, 1954) was an international painter known for her (yes, it's a her) ability to illustrate mustaches and unibrows in disturbingly accurate detail. Frida's life wasn't an easy one, but she made the most of it. One of the most recognizably influential artists of all time, her art, like her facial hair, is complex, fascinating and inspiring. This is her story.

Frida Kahlo was born July 6, 1907 near Mexico City. She was a tomboy at school (not in any way related to the fact that she already had a caterpillar on her upper lip at age six) and the leader of a group of rebellious, mostly male youngsters who became known for pulling tons of pranks and practical jokes. That's when the fun really begins for Frida.

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Further reading

Below is a list of some other stuff vaguely connected to art:


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Art Quote

“Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic”

Ambrose Bierce


Got a funny quote that's vaguely related to art? Submit it.
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Did you know...

  • ...that milk left in the sun for three hours will have more culture than Australia?
  • ...that Toulouse-Lautrec, at 2.35 metres, was the tallest artist in history?
  • ...Stonehenge was designed by architect Sir Norman Foster?
  • ...that you can add to the pool of our knowledge here?

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Articles of utmost artistic value

Art | Photography | Poetry | First Gradeism | ASCII art | Bad Art | Surrealism | Dance | Music | Photoshop® | Latte art | Look, It's Art | Graffiti | Fascism (Artistic Movement) | Literature | Artistic licence | Avant-Garde | HowTo:Draw Female Breasts | Abstract expressionism | Baby Impressionism | Conceptual Art | Architecture | UnBooks:Vincent Van Gogh's Things To Do on a Rainy Afternoon


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What You Can Do To Help

  • Find a remarkable article about art, artists, or Art, and suggest it for promotion
  • Help these arty articles. Some will be healed by a simple spell check, others need something a little more drastic
  • Add sombre, boring or otherwise artistic quotes here
  • Found or made an image that'd look nice as a feature? Submit it here
  • Be as artistic as you possibly can
  • Steal a Rembrandt from somewhere and donate it to us

ART MOVEMENTS
AbstractAbstract expressionismArt That Looks Like NothingArtistic LicenceBad ArtConceptual ArtDadaismFirst GradeismFuturismGraffitismLatteismLook, It's ArtMinimalismPhotorealismPop artPost-ModernismRealismThe RenaissanceStill lifeSurrealism(Art Portal)