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Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Religion portal.

By far the holiest portal you will ever find.

Religion is the act of worshipping a creed or deity in which one has mistakenly attributed supernatural powers. 'True Believers' are also known as schizophrenic or having a neurological disorder in scientific, medical, or sane circles. It was invented by tribal leaders at least 2 million years ago in order to control and financially exploit the citizenry and in the Western proper World was still going strong until the separation of Church and State. In the 3rd or improper World it's business as usual. Typically god is portrayed as a giant bearded man in the sky that flies around granting wishes, but there are some variations.


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Walpurgis Night

Semantic shifts? I'll shift you, you tosser!

Roger Moore (former James Bond) explaining the Walpurgis Night to a fellow attendee

The oft mentioned and generally popular quasi religious festival, Walpurgis Night is a cult descended from a German Witch ceremony celebrating summer on May 1. Rumours of a bi-annual event are in the offing with the recent New Age acquisition of several English towns.[1]

Initially religious significance was ascribed to the festival along with occult leanings; however the movement has survived several eras through sponsorship right up to the present day. Universality of many areas has been present though all the changes including a Bonfire and there is a refusal to acknowledge the celebration prior to the advent of the Gregorian calendar.

Corporate concerns are the chief purpose of the celebration today and it has been reported that several media conglomerates are planning a takeover. Tom Cruise has also announced that the Church of Scientology would like to purchase the copyrights for the event.


  1. Including Royston Vasey.


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The Messiah, goes to Heaven for three days, to let his Father borrow His glue gun.

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<---Any quotes about Religion you find funny may be added here. You can crop any bad ones you find here.--->

<option>“That was Zen, this is Tao.

Lao Tzu on The Hydrogen bomb.


<option>“Dickness is a side effect of being human.

– Roshi Rev. Zim_ulator on the human condition.



Bruce Campbell on Necronomicon Ex Mortis.

</option> <option>“YARRR! Avast ye maties, thar be our messiah!

– Any pirate on Captain Jesus.

</option> <option>“It's the smart way to get out.

Oscar Wilde on Jehovah witness protection program


<option>“It means every reaction is followed by an action.

Alfred E. Neuman on Karma.


<option>“To think I kissed her (or him) there--and there--and there'!”

Sarah Michelle Gellar on Baphomet.


<option>“Eh, it's fine, really. No big deal. I'm not offended.

God on Apatheism


<option>“You also agree that you will not use these products for any purposes prohibited by United States law, including, without limitation, the development, design, manufacture or production of missiles, or nuclear, chemical or biological weapons.

– Apple iTunes EULA Part 10 on stupid policies

(Don't believe me? Google it!}}


<option>“If you don't agree with absolutely everything I say that means God hates you and you are going to Hell

Fred Phelps on Everyone.

</option> <option> {{Q| God told me to touch you there.|Pope Francis|A child..}


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