Pieism
“I will only baptise you in water, but he'll baptise you in gravy...”
“My Favourite religion, to roundhouse kick that is!!!”
“Love thou Pie, as thouself!”
“I like pie.”
“Whoops, thought this was cake, my bad.”
“I don't care about this fucking article, just give me some fucking PIE!!!!”
“ Pieism, Cakeism, Cheeseism! Whats the difference?”
“I think I'm going to like this sweet new religion.”
“Pie is the only religion to worship (kill Mario)”
“If you worship the Anti Pie, I get to rape you for an eternity in Hell!”
“In Soviet Russia, the Pie worships YOU”
“ It's free for a month! ”
Pieism is the tastiest of all religions, as it worships the one true crust, the holy Pie. Pieists, followers of Pieism, also worship the almighty JoJo, Pie in a human body, and they also believe in a number of minor gods, including the huge Tabby Fat and sluttish Sally Squid.
The Pie and its Allies[edit | edit source]
The Pie is a infinitely tasty pastry who lives the depths of Space. It created the Universe so it had a battleground to battle with the evil Anti-Pie, for only the destruction of the Anti-Pie can bring an enlightenment of taste to humanity. The Pie is everywhere at once but it also lives primarily on the planet Mars, where it is served by lobsters, pugs, fats and droids.
The JoJo is the Pie human form, who is a rich young Englishman who lives a mansion shaped like a Pie. He has conducted miracles including building a 4 foot Lego Yoda out of three Lego bricks, turning Tesco value coke into Coca Cola with lime and bringing a dead Lobster back to life. He has managed to convert over 90% of the peasants on his land to Pieism. The JoJo enjoys drinking tea, eating crumpets, and having an affair with the Queen in his spare time.
Some non-Pieists believe that the JoJo is a religious zealot and is therefore a member of the galactic aliens that follow Spode.
The Holy Gods[edit | edit source]
Tabby Fat is a hugely fat cat with no arms or legs who is the Pie’s general minion second in command. He feasts upon those who do not follow the ways of the Pie, beware his massive gob! A restraining order was put upon him to stop him attempting to eat the lower god Cheese. He is engaged to the god Sally Squid; however he cannot stop her sleeping with everyone else!
The Lobster is large, black, crustacean who likes nothing better than making war against the Anti Pie with his loyal army of lobsters. In their spare time, the holy lobsters hunt down and chuck the following types of people into space:
• Traitors to the Pie
• Terrorists and child abusers
• Republicans
• Fat people
Only two people has ever survived an attempt by a lobster to chuck them into space, Chuck Norris and the Bodyguard. When the Bodyguard turned to the side of the Anti Pie (for a short time only) a lobster caught him and tried to chuck him into space. However, the Bodyguard was so powerful that he resisted the throw and went up just two metres, then fell back down and falcon punched the poor Lobster! When Chuck Norris was "attacked" he stared at the lobster's eyes and its head exploded,due to his unparalleled incredibleness.
The most powerful humanoid god is Genghis Khan. Genghis Khan was a Mongolian warlord when he was on Earth and now he’s a god again, he drinks, parties and does women even more! Genghis Khan is also served by a load of skeleton warriors, who follow him on his endless rampage of partying.
Of the remaining gods, one of the most famous is Sally Squid. She is a pink squid with big red lips and a vagina said to be deeper than the Grand Canyon. Those that have shagged her have been sworn under secrecy that when about to have sex, Sally squid turns into the hottest female ever to have ventured anywhere (oh crap, I have just reveal a pieist secret--now i'm fucked, literally). She is thought to have slept with:
- Famous People including Barack Obama, Josef Stalin, Adolf Hitler and Jesus
- All the gods of Pieism
- 97% of the members of Pieism, including the JoJo
- You with your mom watching
Sally Squid also has fathered many creatures such as the god the Shark, Davy Jones (from Pirates of the Caribbean) and Hillary Clinton. She also plays the lottery in her spare time.
The Shark is the offspring of a relationship between the Lobster and Sally Squid. She loves to swim in the sea at night and eat any passing people for a light snack. The Shark was made the mascot of Duff beer for a short time; however she drank all the beer and went off with a hunky shark she met at the beach.
The Cheese is a dairy god who, to tell the truth, can’t really do fuck for shit. Cheese is the only god who hasn’t had sex with Sally Squid, because even Slutty Old Sally won’t screw a piece of cheese. The Cheese was once kidnapped by a group of JoJo Rejecters; luckily it was rescued by a coalition of lobsters and skeleton warriors. However, the evil separatists had eaten parts of it, which is why the Cheese is “holey”.
A rather tubby god is the Sumo, a flabby warrior who hangs around with Genghis Khan. Legend has it that he was created when part of Tabby Fat’s flubber was cut off by the Anti Pie. Beware all-you-can-eat restaurant owners, if you let this god in you can wave goodbye to your business.
The Bodyguard is the final god. He is a large human god who was born recently on Earth to protect the JoJo from rebelling peasants. He is usually a very loyal god, as long as you supply him with enough Pokemon. Once However, the Bodyguard went onto the side of the Anti Pie, so he could bum fight the Anti-JoJo. However, when he realised that the Anti JoJo’s massive Vagina was actually a fake and that the woman was a man, he went back to side of the Pie. He had to shag Sally Squid ten times in front of all the Gods to prove his loyalty to the JoJo. However; he kept the 30,000 tons of Lard he was paid by the Anti Pie for his allegiance and he used it to cook dinner for the king.
The Forces of Evil[edit | edit source]
The Anti-Pie is the master of the forces of evil, which wish to tear down the Pie and drink it’s gravy. The Anti-Pie’s hobbies include:
- Funding terrorist groups
- Voting Republican
- Making Sonic the Hedgehog games
The Anti-Pie’s lead minion is the supreme wanker Anti JoJo, who tries to kill the JoJo or the other Pieists with his evil, but fundamentally brilliant, plans. He dresses in pink (actually proven to be purple by evil-doers) and white armor, has giant fake cock for a head, and has the 2 largest pearls in the world stuck in his shoulder armor for no apparent reason. He has tried to have sex with both the Samus Aran and Princess Peach although this was relatively easy because Princess Peach was in Another Castle and Samus wanted some hubba hubba action. The Anti JoJo pretends to be strong, he in reality you should never cross his path or piss him off if you want to keep your precious life; although he he was beaten at arm wrestling by a seven year old Girl--which was later confirmed as a way of luring the child into a false sense of security
Skeleton lobsters are the main soldiers of the Anti Pie, they are the exact opposite of regular lobsters. They are weak, their claws are floppy and none of them have ever had sex! They regularly attack the allies of the Pie and they are regularly beaten to a squishy pulp. The Skeleton lobster’s also require thick rimmed glasses to see, they have strength equal to battle droids from that film that was popular some time in the prehistoric ages
Skeleton scorpions are a step up from skeleton lobsters, a BIG step up. They actually provide a challenge for the lobsters and do have a very small chance of taking them down, they live in the polar regions of Earth and the coldest planets in the Galaxy. They can harness the power of ice and are thus known for their stone cold hearts. They also keep upgrading to get better and better. However, these scorpions are expensive to produce and upkeep and are therefore used sparingly. These scorpions are also shagging prostitutes and stealing the money they make thus killing them.
Pieism: The Expansion Pack[edit | edit source]
The newest expansion pack of Pieism opens up previously unexplorable Mars, home of the lobsters and their allies, and adds a new reincarnation package for those who are not tasty enough to join the holy Pie in the afterlife but don't deserve to spend an eternity of 'fun' with Sally Squid. It also adds new playable characters such as Jimmy the Droid and the Queen of Pugs who no-one really cares about, I mean, who have received universal acclaim and I'm not just saying this because the Bodyguard has a sword pressed into my back as I type this!
Other Forms of Pieism[edit | edit source]
Not all Pieists embrace the JoJo; a few small sects of Pieism hide out, filled with either those who reject the JoJo and his message of gravy or those who are simply ignorant. It doesn’t matter which, as they are all going to Hell when they die to spend an eternity being raped by Sally Squid!
- International Church of Pie: If you want to pretend you’ve never heard of no JoJo, and also blame the Holy Church of Pie for stealing you idea, join this church of Pie.
- Sacred Text a la Mode: If you like the Captain Spanky Crackin' follow this. Warning though, the a la Mode is inhabited solely by wannabe pirates and/or JoJo Rejecters.
- Holy Church of Pie: If you are really really really obsessed with Pie, read this churches’ Pieble and follow its Pieandments.
- Connor-Craig Pieism: If you’re Irish, you like drinking and fighting, and you want a religion with no beliefs, then the Connor-Craig Pieism is your kettle of fish.
- Church of Pie: If you like llamas and silly names, then the Church of Pie is for you!
- Una Torta Pieism/The Brotherhood of The Pie: If you like dressing up in black hooded robes and hailing the totally transendant pastry ,then look no further
- Amigos Union of Pie: If you can’t choose which sect to join, choose this band of hippies, they follow everything! (even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff).
Holy Days For Your Calender[edit | edit source]
Yes despite our religion being crap, we do have our fair share of Holy Days
- 1st Jan, New Years Day--at 12 midnight you watch the BBC fireworks and get utterly pissed
- 2nd Jan, Day after New Years Day--Basically an excuse to once again get utterly pissed
- 14th Feb, Sex Day--Get utterly pissed, make love and infect as many people with Aids as you can
- 29th Feb, 4 Day--celebrate a day that comes every four years, once again you can get utterly pissed
- 10th March, ??? Day--I don't know why this day is so special but you can still get utterly pissed
- 1st April, Vandalism Day--Get utterly pissed then go and vandalise non believers personal property and shout 'APRIL FOOLS' at the top of your voice
- 1st May, May Day--Have a free day off work and get utterly pissed
- 5th May, Voting Day--Vote for some moron of a politician who claims they can run our country but instead gets us totally fucked with things like the credit crunch, then get utterly pissed and say 'heres to a new fucking moron who can't run our country
- 6th Hour of the 6th June, Giratinas Birthday, 'celebrates' the birth of satan, to celebrate, you can get utterly pissed
- 4th July, Independence Day--Celebrates the independence of fucking America; wait did you say that Bush is gone and Obama is in, well in that case this day celebrates the Independence of the promised land. Lets celebrate by getting utterly pissed
- 9th August, Bodyguards Birthday--Battle your favourite Pokemon and give some of them to the bodyguard as presents (so long as they are good or cute-he lieks cute Pokemon for some reason as well as powerful ones); unfortunately you can't get utterly pissed on this day because 'It's Bad For the Pokemon'
- 10th August, Arceus Birthday--Celebrates the birth of the Pokemon God
- 11th August, Dialga's Birthday--Celebrates Dogs, cuteness, wimpering, good, love and all things righteous in general, so get utterly pissed
- 11th August (Again), Palkias Birthday--Teaches against the word of Evil, lust, destruction, Malice, murder and all things Evil in general, do not get utterly pissed because you may be killed by Palkia
- 30th August, JoJos Birthday--Maybe we should leave this one alone, after all, we don't want any smiting; instead hows about we get utterly pissed, okay this pissed joke is getting old, time to sober up
- 31st October, Halloween Day--Dress up in costumes and beg for sweets or throw eggs at peoples houses, other activities include setting cars on fire
- 5th November, Fireworks Night--Celebrates an always rainy day and the unusual amounts of silence in the air; this day also celebrates the historical successes of traitors such as Guy Fawkes, some Japanese guy ironically called Jojo Misawoki and Hitler
- 1st December, Advent Day--Celebrates the start of eating 24 chocolates from an advent calender
- 24th December, Piemas Eve--Celebrates the supermarket rush to get last minute presents; hold on, why are we celebrating that?
- 25th December, Piemas Day--Celebrates Family get togethers, Mince Pies, Turkeys, Santa Claus, Presents and Booze, yes, you can get utterly pissed, but this really isn't advisable around your Mother in Law
External Links and References[edit | edit source]
- www.jojo-pieism.tk Pieism (this link was wrongly accused of spam and was removed--but only the link)
- JoJo Pieism Blog
- Pieism: The Sacred Texts
- Pieism: The Holy Gods
- Pieism: The Art
- The New Sacred Text A La Mode Followers Blog
- The JoJo's Cult of Pie
- Pieism-Info
- Crappy Una Torta webstite