Youth With A Mission
“The Kingdom of Christ needs constant care and nurture, so I´ll travel the world with your donations, you stupid clowns, hehe”
“Oh Lord send me to the nations so i don't have to book with Statravel...”
“gimme some more of that stuff...”
Youth With A Mission (YWAM, generally pronounced as "why-wam") is a a global christian nondenominational missions behemoth, which serves the purpose of giving young people a platform for travelling the world, partying, and spreading apostate Christianity among third world nations, but entirely on the expense of their local church, as well as donations from their great-grandmothers, Uncle Jim or Aunt Mary.
It was founded by Loren Cunning Man, a cunning man, that once upon a time in carefree land saw a TV report about Billy Graham, and decided he wanted to be like him. So while he played with his yellow rubber duck in his bathtub one evening, he saw waves crashing ashore on all 5 continents, waves of young people, with an American go-getter attitude, and ready to do whatever after highschool to go to another country and kick some ass.
The humble beginnings[edit | edit source]
After Loren had decided he´d pick a career in churchianity, he called up his buddies to get his game going, and soon his ministry would start to grow and flourish, his face would appear in Christianity today and other popular magazines, earning him profits to build his private temple in kona, Hawaii, where he resides up to today and pulls the strings for his personal empire of faith.
Is that really You, Dawg ?[edit | edit source]
Sometime later in his life, Cunning man couldn´t believe his eyes when his Dogness himself, Snoop Dogg, appeared on the porch of his temple in Kona,to check Cunning Man´s ecumenical harem for quality meat. Cunning Man is said to have welcomed his guest with the line "is that really you, Dawg ?", which later was made into a book and would become a bestseller within christian circles.
Training the warriors[edit | edit source]
What does it take to make a real YWAMER ? It takes quite some skills to become a real Ywamer, one should be able to quote John 3:16, 20 times per minute, although professionals can push it as far as 35 quotes per minute. There is, however a certain danger of tongue twisting involved. Furthermore a real YWAMer should be able to eat 15 slices of Nutella bread on a sole evening, without throwing up. You also have to be able to learn by heart and reproduce phrases like "the LORD is good, all the time...", "which country are you going to next ?, we just served in ....".
In the first weeks in YWAM, every potential newbie gets a crashcourse in raising funds, that is, making relatives, parents, grandmothers believe the LORD is gonna smite them with all the sicknesses of Egypt if they don't give a shitload of money to their kids. This method has worked pretty well for the last couple years, and YWAM has infested..... I mean it has flourished all around the globe, there's bases now in over 120 countries on all continents. Ywam teachers also have been able to prove that premarital sex is the devil himself, whilst Nutella is the secret formula for health, youthfulness and joy.
Ywamers should be able to fit in a churchculture where old women and men that secretly watch porn, but can´t admit that they secretly watch porn, run the whole thing. because that's how creation was intended BITCH ! Unlike in apostate and fallen mainstream culture, in YWAM it is a sign of low spirituality to live in mansions, drive big cars or own huge stamp collections, only unresourceful travelling for the "work of the LORD" is encouraged because it takes a global player mindset to succeed in this kinda club, you know what I´m sayin´?
DO´s and DONT´s[edit | edit source]
The following sins are classified as evil by YWAM scholars:
- having a special relationship ie. SR
- premarital sex (except missionary position)
- jacking off in the shower before eating a Nutella bread
- prophesying with head uncovered (women)
- cussing or smoking
- "judging" fellow ywamers
- talking back at staff
- smoking weed
- beer and wine are also evil drugs
The following sins are encouraged:
- waste of raw materials and resources, especially Nutella
- looking down on non-ywamers
- developing and living out an anthropocentric core belief system
- getting words from the Lord
- being in a wheelchair, overweight or having really thick glasses
- manipulating other people with "I think the LORD wants" or "I think it would be wise to..." phrases
- being religiously selfish, controlling, or just a jerk