Bibleman

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Bibleman rides his Jesus-powered motorcycle, on his way to kill heathens.

Bibleman is a wholesome Christian children's television series from the 1990s. It centers on the titular character Bibleman, a crusading superhero who fights in the name of the Lord, often quoting biblical verses in the middle of fights or using strict interpretations of the Bible to frustrate his enemies until they give up.

Premise[edit]

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Miles Peterson, a fortysomething businessman,[1] had it all: wealth, status, success. Still, something was lacking. Miserable, alone, his spirit beaten, he gave up. While out for a walk on a dark and stormy night, Miles randomly suffered a nervous breakdown and began sobbing. While doing so, he found a Bible casually on the ground and began to read it. In his darkest hour, the words of a single book began to change his life. Miles was immediately converted from a depressed, hard-nosed businessman into a Bible thumper.

At last, Miles felt the burning desire to know God. But he decided to go one step further. Inspired by the Word of God, and equipped with unyielding faith, Miles pledged to fight evil in the name of the Lord! From then on, he would be known as: "Bibleman"...

Confession!
Matrimony!
Communion!
Baptism!
Confirmation!

'BY YOUR SACRAMENTS COMBINED
I AM BIBLEMAN!'

Bibleman, he's our hero,
Gonna take atheism down to zero,
He's our powers magnified,
And he's fighting on the Christian side

Bibleman, he's our hero,
Gonna take atheism down to zero,
Gonna help him convert us under,
Bad guys who like to loot and plunder

'You'll pay for this Bibleman!'

We're the Christianeers!
You can be one too!
'Cause saving our souls is the thing to do,
Atheism and Sodomy is not the way,
Hear what Bibleman has to say:

'THE BIBLE IS YOURS!'

 
Bibleman opening theme song

In the Bibleman PowerSource series, Miles has inexplicably disappeared and is replaced as Bibleman by Josh Carpenter. Josh is depicted as someone who never understood the Bible until his darkest day, when his parents were arguing, where he read the Bible and accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior.

Characters[edit]

Saints[edit]

  • Bibleman/Miles Peterson – Our hero. In his transformation, Miles had not just changed appearance, but also gained startling new abilities. He could now recite any part of the bible purely from memory, creating a scene of utter boredom, inevitably forcing its beholders into the Christian faith. He was played by washed-up child actor Willie Aames.[2]
  • Bibleman II/Josh Carpenter – Basically a carbon copy of the first Bibleman, with a similar backstory. He is played by Robert T. Schlipp, a youth pastor from Northern California.
  • Cypher – The brains of the team (funny, you'd think Bibleman would be the brains).
  • Melody – With whom Bibleman has zero sexual tension (and a double-bladed lightsaber).
  • Biblegirl – Ditto.
  • U.N.I.C.E. – Bibleman's supercomputer. He seems rather useless, considering Bibleman has God and Jesus on his side and logically wouldn't need a supercomputer.

Sinners[edit]

  • Satan — Bibleman's greatest foe, whom he is caught in an eternal struggle with. In season six, Bibleman ran against Satan as a candidate in the Holy Presidential Election. Democrats fought hard to boost Satan's vote, but the combined strength of Republicans allowed Bibleman to narrowly defeat his foe and receive the presidency. At the end of the series, Satan was seen sulking in his lava tub deep in hell.
  • Slacker von Lazarus — A villain with hypnotic mind-powers and lasers which he uses to brainwash people into the sin of sloth.
  • Dr. Narcissus — A self-adoring supervillain who corrupts others with self-esteem and independent thought.
  • Charles Darwin — In season three, Bibleman meets a new foe. Charles Darwin was once a brilliant doctor who used his research to search for proof of divine intervention. However, his research soon controlled him and led him to create a horrible weapon of mass destruction: the theory of evolution.
    • Since then, Darwin has created his own homebrew pawns called the Atheists. These atheists took on the form of suburban white teenagers, programmed to disagree with their parents' Christian ways. These horrible creatures don't believe in traditional biblical values or church practices; naturally, this makes them one of Bibleman's highest priorities.
  • Homosexuality — Bibleman has long since battled homosexuality, once storming into a live performance of The Village People and beating them to death. This culminated into a rooftop battle with their master, Freddie Mercury. After a fierce struggle, Bibleman passed out in battle from fatigue. When he awoke, he was in an alley with an incredibly sore bottom. Bibleman has since taken a more reserved stance against homosexuality, but still disagrees with it.

Episodes[edit]

Episodes typically center on Miles attempting to balance his life as a businessman with his responsibilities as a superhero. He often faces such problems as missing his cousin's Bar Mitzvah, or making it to his neighbor Mary Eneladgam's performances at the local theatre. Miles has a crush on Mary, but his duties as a superhero often interfere with this.

In one notable episode, after losing his Uncle Joseph, Miles considered giving up being Bibleman altogether. However, the heart of a hero ultimately continued to shine.

Merchandise[edit]

After debuting on Paul Crouch's TBN (Totally Biblical Network) to high ratings, the producers of Bibleman realized that there was money to be made from this. You can buy the following from the series' website: DVDs, books, games, activities, coloring sheets, action figures, mugs, t-shirts, braids, nose hair trimmers, and body pillows. And if you pay enough, you can have Bibleman and his crew perform for you at your church, revival meeting, birthday parties, etc.

Video game[edit]

A Bibleman PC game was released in 2005. It was praised by Christian gaming sites for its "family-friendly" and "Christ-centered" gameplay. However, according to independent reviews posted on the atheist hive of YouTube, the game is essentially a "poor man's Diablo clone."

Reception[edit]

Bibleman was well-received by its target audience: well-behaved little Christian children aged 3–9. Initially, sales of Bibleman VHS tapes made up less than one percent of the Christian children's video market. However, only three years later, sales shot up to a staggering 101% of that market. It held third place in the rankings, behind first place VeggieTales and second place Adventures in Odyssey.

The show's critics — mostly sniveling liberal atheists — pilloried it for its format and production values, as well as for being "dogmatically evangelical." Several overprotective liberal parents criticized the show's fight scenes as promoting violence, despite the fact that one episode ("Conquering the Wrath of Rage") explicitly addressed the so-called violence "issue."

Others, such as Pastor James David Manning of Newsweek, have criticized the franchise's drift toward more secular content in recent installments:


Footnotes[edit]

  1. Who also seems to be a confirmed bachelor.
  2. Whose career seems to parallel that of washed-up kid actor Kirk Cameron.

See also[edit]