Aniassism
“Aniassism is the one true religion”
“Shit, man, it's all shit!”
Aniassism is the set of beliefs that states that all the universe, indeed, all of creation, rose into being after being shit out a hippopotamus's ass. This hippopotamus, generally known as the Great Hippo Aniassus, is doomed to search for food in the giant Void for all eternity, and it is fated that the Great Hippo Aniassus shall eventually return and devour the universe, due to lack of anything else to eat.
History of Aniassism[edit | edit source]
The starting date of Aniassism varies. Most orthordox Aniassians claim that Aniassism has existed from the beginning of time (surprisingly, only 60 million years ago), and before, when Aniassus was still wandering the great Void looking for a place to shit. However, most knowledgeable scholars know that Aniassim was started in the boondocks of Tenessee in 1974 by a bunch of rednecks looking for a laugh. However, this fact does not cause Aniassians to waver in their belief, no matter how blatantly you shove it in their face. The most common response to queries to the matter are met with loud violent cries of "Shit, man, it's all shit!"
The first leaders of Aniassism, in the interest of spreading their doctrine to young minds everywhere, commissioned Hasbro to make a childrens game that outlined the basic tenets of their belief. This game, which was highly symbolic, became known to children everywhere as "Hungry, Hungry Hippos". There were a few minor adjustments to the original concept, which greatly upset the leaders of Aniassism, but they learned to deal with it (as it was, of course, "shit"). This game involves multicolored hippos eating marbles which represent the different universes that the great Hippo Aniassius has shit out in the great Void that are being consumed again. However, one of the fundamental components of the game, namely where exactly the marbles came out, was changed before production, and it was this fact that upset the Aniassians the most, and eventually led them to disown the game.
General Beliefs[edit | edit source]
World View[edit | edit source]
- We are all born from shit, we live with shit, and we die because of shit.
- Outside of the universe lies only the great Void and Aniassus himself.
- Anybody who contradicts the tenets of Aniassism is a shitbag.
Education[edit | edit source]
Aniassians are, as a rule, strictly against any sort of education that might bring them to question their beliefs. In general, this includes biology, physics, mathematics, history, and pretty much every other subject that is taught beyond a preschooler's education. As a result, Aniassians are generally stubborn and ignorant, and will only willingly accept what they hear from their parents or their local Aniassian priest.
Other Religions[edit | edit source]
Intolerance, to the Aniassians, is a virtue. Indeed, it has gone beyond a virtue and has reached the force of law among the Aniassians. Generally, any person who questions an Aniassian is met with an inane stubborness, which eventually degrades in the Aniassian denouncing the person as a "complete shitbag unworthy to meet the fate that Aniassius has provided," before slamming a door in their face. Of course, if no door is conveniently available, they will find a door to slam, simply to prove their point.
Organization[edit | edit source]
On the lowest level of the Aniassian hierarchy, there are the everyday worshipers of Aniassius. In fact, these people are lower than low and are considered by the members of the priestly hierarchy to be too deeply mired in the shit of the world. On the next level are the local priests. This level in the Aniassian hierarchy is who most of the everyday worshipers relate to and learn from. On the next level are the Taskmasters, who govern their respective districts with an iron fist. All individual contributions are pooled here to be redistributed, with a portion going to the higher level. In fact, the role of the Taskmaster is pretty similar to all of the higher ranking roles, so we'll just skip those until we get to the Chief Asanine, whose role is, surprisingly, to have contributions gathered from the lower priests pooled and redistributed. It is amazing on how much actual goes in the priests' pockets, but most of the Aniassians never notice. The other role that the Chief Asanine has is to communicate (or, at least, attempt to communicate) with the Great Hippo Aniassius in order to guide his whims for the world so that is ripe for the eating when the time comes.
Traditions[edit | edit source]
- Every Tuesday, at exactly 2:23 PM, the Great Hippo Aniassus should be made a sacrifice of chocolate sauce. This serves to slake the Great Hippo Aniassius's hunger for one more week, sparing creation from his hunger.
- The act of shitting is considered holy to Aniassians, and the bathroom is considered a sacred room in the house for all Aniassians.
- It is not uncommon for a Aniassian priest to preach a sermon wearing nothing but two-ply toilet paper.